“First, I was at the movies so my phone was turned off. Second, it was anxiety, not a panic attack. Besides, I know you didn’t say anything. I’m sorry I was a jerk. I was in a bad place that day. Third, of course I’m your favorite cousin. I’m your ONLY cousin,” I laugh.
“That little one horse town has a movie theater? I’m impressed.”
“Don’t be. The movies they show are only weeks away from a DVD release. It’s something to do though.”
“You sound better than the last time I talked to you. Are you better?” Kimber asks quietly. I sigh when I realize how worried she must have been.
“I’m fine. I was just…it was a rough couple of weeks that’s all. I mean, there was the thing with Max and then flying and then Max was in the hospital and I made the mistake of going to see him and that was so stupid. They weren’t sure if he was going to be okay, you know? And I just had to see him and tell him I was sorry for being so stubborn and for the things I said to him and he just looked, I don’t know, not like Max at all. There was this machine doing his breathing and he was so still and I freaked out.
“Yeah, I was pretty sad, I mean who wouldn’t be? So Mom and Dad got all nervous and made me go back to the shrink and so he decides I need to be on full time meds again and I was pretty angry about that but if I want to be allowed to do ANYTHING I have to do what they want.
“When I talked to you it was all still a mess. I’m getting used to the Xanax again though and I’m not so mad at them anymore. I’m not sad anymore. Max is fine and we’re friends again. I got dumped though.” I finally stop talking. That was a pretty big speech for me, even if it is Kimber I’m talking to.
“What? Why did you get dumped?” Kimber is indignant.
“I don’t know. I guess she thought she was falling in love and she knew I wasn’t and I wanted to slow things down and she didn’t and she finally just said she knew it wasn’t working and she’d rather try to salvage our friendship than continue this relationship that was just going to hurt us both. I mean, I’m paraphrasing but that’s the gist of it anyway.”
“Well, so how do you feel about that? I mean, getting dumped sucks even if you aren’t in love and this was your first girlfriend too,” Kimber is all kindness and sympathy. “Hey, do you want me to come there and kick her ass for you?” I laugh.
“No one needs to kick anyone’s ass,” I say. “Honestly? I feel kinda…relieved.”
“That’s sort of a strange way to feel. I’d be sad, or pissed if Paul broke up with me,” Kimber says adamantly.
“Yeah, but you’re in love with him and you’ve slept with him and I think I’d rather be friends with Sherrie. It’s fine. We’re good.”
“So, you’re friends with that hottie from the picture again? His name is Max? Who the heck names their kid Max? It sounds like an old man that smokes a pipe and looks a little like Albert Einstein,” Kimber laughs.
“It’s just what he uses. His last name is Maxwell.”
“Geeze, what’s his real name if he chose Max?”
“Holden.” For some reason I think of Mischa calling him Holden earlier. I smile when I remember Tabitha yelling at her.
“I like Holden. It sounds troubled, mysterious,” Kimber says.
“Kimber? Have you ever been jealous?” I change the subject.
“Of course, everyone feels jealousy once in a while. I was only jealous about Paul once though. It was before he told me he loved me and some cheerbitch was flirting with him at a game. I wanted to stumble from the bleachers and ‘accidentally’ take her out!”
“You’re a tiger,” I laugh. “So, what did that feel like?”
“What did what feel like?” I huff into the phone. Isn’t she paying attention to the conversation? This stuff is hard enough to talk about.
“Feeling jealous…what does it feel like?”
“Like there was a fist squeezing my heart and then I flashed all over hot then cold then hot again and I felt my face get hot and I don’t know, it wasn’t pleasant. That’s not even a very good explanation. It was that but like a thousand times worse. I’m glad I know how he really feels about me now because it sucked.”
“I can imagine,” I manage to say even though I feel a little short of breath and anxious now.
“So…did you ever talk to him?” Kimber asks hesitantly.
“Yeah, I told you, we’re friends again,” I know what she’s really asking but I stall. I have to make an effort to control my breathing.
“No, I mean did you talk about what happened?”
“Well, yeah, I mean, he apologized again and I accepted. Then we had a really long talk last weekend and he explained like, why he did what he did. Hey, you might understand this. He told me he doesn’t really have a preference. Like, he says he’s not gay or bi or straight. He says he doesn’t believe in labels. He said something about being gender blind.”
“Yeah, there are people that just are attracted to who they’re attracted to regardless of gender. Like, he would probably like you if you were a guy pretending to be a girl pretending to be a guy,” she says.
“Well that was more confusing than anything HE said. But, anyway, I think it will be okay. I mean, he said my friendship is more important to him than anything else and that I shouldn’t think that us hanging out means anything other than we’re friends so I don’t think I’m going to freak out again or whatever.” This doesn’t satisfy Kimber.
“Noah, that’s all about him. What about you?”
“What about me? He’s my best friend and I wish I could take back the ridiculous reaction I had but I apologized and we’re okay.” It’s starting. I can feel my heart beating. I can’t seem to breathe deeply enough. I’m getting dizzy. Shit, what is wrong with this Xanax? Maybe it’s expired or something?
“Noah, come on, it’s me. You can talk to me about this. You should talk to him about this and no, I don’t mean the apology and we’re okay crap that you’ve already done,” she says when I start to interrupt. “Noah, you told me how you felt…”
“Let it go, Kimber,” I warn.
“But, Noah…”
“I mean it. Just let it go. He’s my friend and that’s all there is to it.”
“Then why do you sound like you just ran around the block?” Kimber knows me almost as well as my parents do and sometimes that sucks. I almost laugh at what she just said because I can breathe easier than this when I run around the block, except that I can’t breathe deeply enough to laugh.
“I’m fine,” I try to control my voice and I think it sounds okay.
“You don’t sound fine. You sound like you’re going to have a panic attack.”
“Kimber, do we have to argue every time you call? Because that’s not exactly what I need right now.”
“What do you need, Noah?” she says it gently.
“I need to hang up the phone and go to bed. I’m really tired,” I lie. She knows it’s a lie but she says goodbye anyway.
“Noah? I think you’ll feel better if you deal with it. I love you, Freak, bye,” and then she’s gone. I turn out my light and curl into myself. I’m finally able to breathe again just before my parents come in to say goodnight.
Of course I can’t sleep. I have too many things in my head. I need to figure some things out, I realize this. I don’t need Kimber to tell me this. I may not want to admit it but that doesn’t make it any less true. Maybe that’s why I can’t sleep. My brain is working overtime even when I don’t realize it. Like when I asked Kimber about jealousy. I hadn’t been planning on saying that. It just came out. What else would have come out if she’d kept me on the phone? Even I don’t know for sure.
On Saturday I run my eight miles and it’s almost getting too cold to run outside. I wonder if Mark would mind if I used the treadmill in the Maxwell’s basement gym. I’m napping on the couch in front of the TV (thanks to another sleepless night) when Mom wakes me. Thanks for interrupting the tiny bit of sleep I managed so far this weekend, Mom.
> “Lydia and Mark have invited your dad and me to go out tonight. You’re invited to spend the night at the Maxwell’s. Would you like to do that?” She asks but I really know that Max is my babysitter as much as Sammi and Matty’s sitter. I want to argue that I don’t need a babysitter and then my mom will say it’s not like that and then we might argue. The truth is, I would probably spend some time over there anyway and, even though I have no idea why, I sleep when I’m at Max’s house. I wish my parents would go out and leave me alone once in a while though. It’s little things like this that prove they don’t trust me.
When we arrive at the Maxwell’s Sammi rambles on about our dinner plans. Apparently the original plan was that Max would cook for us again but Sammi wanted pizza. Max is out getting it when we arrive. I’m in the kitchen with Lydia and my mom and the kids while Mark and Dad are off looking at Mark’s latest technical gadgetry.
“What is taking him so long?” worries Lydia. “We’re going to be late if we don’t leave soon.” It’s only a few minutes later that we hear the garage door. Max comes in with red cheeks complaining about the temperature.
“It’s fu-uh-rickin cold out there,” he exclaims. His cheeks are red making his eyes look bluer. Lydia arches an eyebrow.
“Language around the little ones,” she says but she’s smiling. I think after nearly dying Max probably has a get out of jail free card for the foreseeable future.
“Hey, I made the save,” Max says as he puts the pizza on the table and turns to close the door behind…are you kidding me? Mischa freaking Mallory is following him into the kitchen. I’ve never seen her before this week and now she’s turning up everywhere. Actually, she turns up everywhere Max is and I’ve been spending time with Max again. Maybe she was around the entire month that Max and I weren’t speaking. Okay, when I wasn’t talking to Max.
Max takes off his coat and takes Mischa’s coat from her and puts them aside. “Mischa was going to eat alone at the pizza parlor so I invited her to dinner. I hope that’s okay,” he says to no one in particular.
“Of course it’s okay,” says Lydia. “It’s nice to see you again, Mischa.” Oh, so she’s been here before this as well. Max gets everyone drinks and cuts up some pizza for Matty as the parents say their goodbyes.
I have this angry, disappointed, squirmy totally weird feeling and I’m pretty sure I can’t even eat one slice. After the parents are gone and it’s just us kids eating dinner I’m even more uncomfortable. Is there any possible way I can beg off staying overnight and go home? Sammi is talking to Mischa about her earrings as Mischa blots excess grease from the top of her pizza with a napkin. Oh geeze, if she’s going to do that she might as well just eat a salad.
In the time it takes me to choke down one slice of pizza even Sammi is on her second slice. “Eat up,” Max says, sliding the box towards me but I decline. It was hard enough to eat one slice around this stupid rock that’s suddenly in my stomach.
“I wish I had the willpower to stop at one slice,” Mischa says. “No wonder you’re so skinny.” I know girls like to be called skinny and thin and any number of words like that which they consider compliments but no skinny boy likes it I can promise you. I don’t think she was really giving me a compliment anyway.
“I’m not very hungry,” I say.
“I’m not hungry after one slice either but I’ve had two slices,” says Mischa. “I might even have a third.” Why won’t she just stop talking?
“Noah isn’t skinny. He’s…delicate,” Max says.
“Yeah, I think I’d rather be skinny,” I mumble.
“Lithe?”
“No wonder I have no self-esteem…”
“Willowy?”
“Jesus, give it up, Maxwell,” I say. My ears are hot.
“Svelte?” Mischa offers. I glare at her.
“I think I’m going to get going,” I say as I stand and take my dishes to the sink for rinsing before putting them in the dishwasher.
“You can’t go,” Max says. “I finally got a copy of that old movie you’ve been looking for. I figured we’d watch it after the kids go to bed.” Dishes put in the dishwasher, I turn and head for the kitchen door.
“It’s okay. We can watch it another time,” I assure him. He takes my coat out of my hands before I can shrug into it.
“Come on, Noah, stay,” he says quietly. I look back towards the table at Mischa who is showing her ring to Sammi.
“I feel kinda like a fifth wheel. I wouldn’t have come over if I’d known you had plans. I’m capable of spending an evening on my own, you know.” I try to take my coat back.
“Come on, Noah, it’s not like that. I ran into her and she was on her own and I felt bad for her and it’s just some pizza. She’s not going to stay all evening.” I finally relent because it’s easier than arguing about it. Max doesn’t think Mischa is staying for long but SHE obviously has other ideas. She’s still hanging around playing with the kids when it’s their bed time then she insists on helping to put them to bed. I go down to Max’s room while they’re upstairs playing house.
Normally I would set up pillows and get the movie ready but that feels wrong somehow so I read the wall while I wait. He’s added some things to it since the last time I looked at it.
Ghost leaf, dead children of the trees has found its place on the wall.
As the cold wraps around my heart my only regret is you. That’s one of his. I can tell by the marker he’s used. That one is just sad.
“I kiss the scars on her skin. I still think you’re beautiful and I don’t ever want to lose my best friend” I recognize that line from a song. It’s something Max put on my iTunes but I can’t remember the band. It’s Pierce the Veil or Sleeping With Sirens or one of those other bands with guys that sing as high as girls. I actually like the band but it’s not like anything I ever listened to before Max.
Always looking for you never realizing you were already in my heart before we even met. That one is another one of his. I read it again. I’m contemplating what it means and how it makes me feel when Max and Mischa enter. I go sit in the chair in the corner and let my hair fall forward to hide my face.
Max puts the movie on and sits against the headboard of the bed. Mischa slips onto the bed next to him. She’s not touching him but she’s really close. Could I feel like more of a voyeur or trespassing freak right now?
The movie is another old one that was hard to locate. It’s called Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark and it freaked me out when I was younger. It still holds up and the little creepy critters that live in the basement of this old house are still freaky so many years later. There’s a remake version of this movie with the same premise of critters in the basement but the whole plot was rewritten. Max and I had been planning on watching them back to back to compare.
“I can’t believe that’s how it ends,” Mischa says when the movie is over.
“It’s a horror movie. It doesn’t need happily ever after,” Max says. One of the reasons I like these old movies is that they so often have a dark ending. There are so few happily ever afters in real life anyway. I’m glad Max seems to agree with me. I stand up and stretch and head for the door.
“Where are you going? We’re going to watch the remake now,” Max says.
“I’m just going to get ready for bed so I don’t have to do it later,” I say. I left my bag in the entry way when we first got here and I collect it and go to the upstairs bathroom to change and brush my teeth. I linger in the bathroom for as long as I can. I really just want to go home. I feel like I tagged along on Max’s date and I’d rather not be here but I know my parents will get angry with me if I walk home and spend the next few hours alone because God forbid fragile Noah spend a night alone.
I’m passing by the family room when I decide I really don’t want to go downstairs and watch the movie with Max and Mischa. I duck into the family room and lie down on the couch. There’s a throw on the back of it and I pull it over me as a blanket. I pull one of the throw
pillows under my head, arm bent under it.
I’m not even kinda tired. There’s a light on in the entryway and it reaches down the front hallway and gives enough light to this room to make it difficult to sleep. I hear Sassy chewing on something in her little gerbil home. The baby gerbils have already reached maturity and been given new homes amongst Sammi’s friends. I have no idea how long I’ve been lying here when I hear Max’s voice.
“What are you doing?” he says from the doorway.
“Shit, you scared me,” I say as I sit up.
“Noah, what are you doing?” he asks again as he comes into the room. He turns on a lamp on a table next to the couch. I shrug.
“I got kinda tired and I figured you guys would want to be alone so I decided to crash here. It’s okay, it’s fine. I’m sorry our parents stuck you with me when you had plans…”
“No one ‘stuck’ me with you. My parents asked me to watch the kids and I figured since yours were going out with mine it made sense for you to come over and I didn’t have plans. I ran into Mischa and invited her over. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable. She’s just going through a bad break up and needs a friend right now. Come back downstairs and let’s watch this other movie,” he says standing and tugging at my arm.
“No, that’s okay. We can watch it some other time. You should get back to your friend,” I say. I’m not trying to sound pathetic because I really just want to be alone but I sound pathetic to me.
“She went home, Noah, Cinderella license. She had to get home before midnight. Come back downstairs…unless you really DO want to skip the movie.” I kick the cover off and get up because there’s no point arguing with him and I’ve never felt less like sleeping anyway and also because I feel like an idiot. I fold the throw over the couch the way I found it and turn off the lamp and head out of the room.
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