“Want to take this a little further?” he whispers. “It’s up to you.”
“How much further?” I ask nervously.
“Only as far as you’re willing to go. Just say stop and we stop. Don’t be afraid to say stop.” I think about it briefly and then I nod because I have to do something or I’ll burst! He curls his fingers around the waist of my jeans and slowly slides them down as I lift my hips until I’m wearing nothing but socks and boxer briefs. I close my eyes because I know what I look like naked. I’m just…not like Max.
“Look at me,” he says gently. I shake my head. It’s as if I can pretend he doesn’t see me when it’s my eyes that are closed.
“Noah, you’re beautiful. How do you not know this?” he kisses me, my lips, my chest, my stomach. I shake my head.
“You’re beautiful,” I counter. “You’re the one with the lean muscles that I want to draw. You’re the strong one with actual contours in your abs. I’m…I’m just skinny and pale and…lame.”
“First of all, thank you. It’s nice to be appreciated. Second of all, stop putting yourself down. I don’t see skinny when I look at you. Yes, you’re really thin but in a beautiful way. You’re like reed thin.”
“What exactly is reed thin?” I ask because I’m really not sure how that’s a compliment.
“You’re tall and lean and tight and strong and graceful. You’re like a reed, you know, they grow in the lake. I’ll show you when it’s warm. They look so frail and delicate and beautiful but their strength is that they can bend and bend and bend and not break. The strongest winds that can snap the branches of tall trees can only make the reeds bend and then they bounce back again. Beautiful. Strong. Like you.”
“That’s…” I have to clear my throat, “that’s what you see? I mean, that’s how you see me?” I whisper.
“It is and I’m going to keep telling you until you believe me,” he says and then he’s kissing me. Then he’s pulling me close and it’s skin on skin and I let go of any fears I have because he feels so good!
Soon I’m helping to liberate him from his jeans and I laugh again when I think how ridiculous we must look lying here next to each other in boxer briefs and socks. He laughs with me and then we both get quiet and serious. The next time he slips closer to me to kiss me one hand slips into my shorts and God! He said nothing I haven’t done to myself but this…this is completely different and…amazing.
“You can, if you want,” he says between kisses. “You can touch me but you don’t have to.” At first my brain fires up an emphatic NO but my hand is already seeking, slipping slowly into his shorts and Oh.My.God. Yes, we are really doing this.
He says he’s only ever kissed boys. He says this is all new to him too but he must have at least put some thought into it. This isn’t something I would have thought of on my own. It’s strange but familiar and different but yet something I’m somewhat accustomed to. He really knows what he’s doing and I feel like I’m fumbling and bumbling and then I realize it’s not that difficult. I mean, I know what I like right? This is just a slightly different angle. I fight the urge to laugh again.
He stops what he’s doing for just a moment and I miss his touch immediately. I think I even whimper a protest but he’s only away from me long enough to push my shorts down and so I reciprocate and then he slips his free hand under me and pulls me closer and now we’re chest to chest and we barely have room to maneuver and that’s actually even better. My hips move. His hips move. My hand moves. His hand moves. I have to fight the urge to grab his hand as he’s grabbing me. I can’t be selfish now.
He’s kissing me and that just makes everything more amazing because of course my stomach flips again and how can he do that so well with his mouth when he’s working so well with his hand? I’m panting. I think I’m close to passing out or at least on my way to dizzy. My stomach tightens, tightens and my skin feels like it’s ready to burst and then he kisses the sweet spot once, twice before kissing my neck and I have to grit my teeth to stifle the sound of my release so I don’t wake up the entire household.
I shiver, once, twice, a third time and wonder how long it will be before I can catch my breath. “Max,” I sigh and then I remember that I’m not the only one here and I turn my attention back to him. When it’s his turn he gasps and holds me close but stays as silent as I was. I wonder if he feels weird about the fact that we did this with his whole family asleep in the house above. I’m glad I didn’t think of that before or things may have gone very differently.
“Are you okay?” he raises himself up on one elbow to look at me. I’m lying on my back now with my eyes closed. He traces a finger lightly down my face and when it gets to my mouth I kiss it.
“I’m fantastic,” I breathe. I find it hard to reconcile this Noah who has just had his first significant sexual encounter with another person (and that other person being a guy) against the Noah who freaked out and panicked and had a meltdown when his best friend merely kissed him. Max makes an attempt at cleaning us up and then gives it up as a lost cause.
“Why don’t you take a shower and I’ll clean up in here,” he says. I get a towel from Max’s closet and wrap it around my waist then I dart across the basement to the downstairs shower. When I get back to Max’s room everything looks normal as if nothing happened earlier but Max is missing. A few minutes later he comes in wearing pajamas and I realize he must have taken a shower upstairs.
“Is anyone going to uh, notice…”I stumble over my words too embarrassed to say them out loud. Max chuckles.
“It’s okay, I do my own laundry.” We snuggle into Max’s bed and fall asleep almost immediately. It’s not until four in the morning that I wake up and find it impossible to fall back to sleep. I turn on my side so I’m facing Max and I watch him sleep for a while then I put my arms around him and snuggle into him for a few hours. This is definitely better than having insomnia at home.
On Saturday I hang out at the Maxwell’s as long as I can until I really have to get home to take meds. Max drives me and comes in to ask my parents about going to the club tonight. He assures them that the section for kids under twenty-one is distinct and separate from the over twenty-one crowd and that there is plenty of security and we’ll be home before midnight. I don’t know how he does it because I left the room for a few minutes but when I come back he practically has my parents begging me to go with him tonight.
After he leaves I run and have lunch and then I hang out with my parents, giving them some face time to make up for how much I’ve been absent from home lately. Mom drops me off at Max’s after dinner. I’m carrying my clothes that I’m wearing tonight because he told me not to wear them to his house. Apparently he has something in store for me first. Max and his damned surprises.
The surprise is that Tabitha is here already and she’s standing behind a chair that’s on a bunch of newspapers in the Maxwell kitchen. She has scissors in her hand. I back away immediately.
“No, absolutely not, nuh uh,” I say as I walk backwards away from her shining steel. Tabitha laughs as I back into Max. He’s like a solid wall behind me.
“Come on, Shaggy, it’s time for a trim,” he says as he takes me by the wrists and drags me towards the chair.
“But I don’t want a trim,” I plead. “I don’t think I trust Tabitha with scissors so close to my head and all,” I say. Tabitha grins wickedly and winks at me.
“Come on, No, just a little trim, a little style. It’s how I convinced your parents to let you come with us tonight. I promised your mom I would convince you to get a haircut,” he admits.
“You, you, betrayor!” I hiss. He just laughs.
“Noah, I love you but you’re looking more like a sheepdog every day,” he whispers in my ear. “I want less hair on the back of your neck,” he teases as he kisses the back of my neck and I look around for signs of Mark and Lydia. I blush. I finally sit down in the chair.
I’m not sure about this but it’s two against one and I’m not goin
g to argue with them. In all honesty my hair has been annoying me lately when I run. I still don’t like the look of Tabitha with scissors. I sit nervously as Max and Tabitha whisper and then a towel goes around my shoulders and Tabitha starts cutting. I try not to cringe every time I hear the snip, snip of scissors and I see a clump of my hair fall to the floor. Chris was right. It isn’t as brown as I like to think.
When Tabitha is done she sends me off for a shower to wash my hair. When I return Tabitha puts some kind of goop on her hands and runs her fingers through my hair. It smells like dessert. She uses the dryer and a brush and her fingers and finally proclaims me complete. The back of my neck feels air for the first time in months. I look to Max and he raises his eyebrows.
“The bangs really accentuate your cheekbones like that. God, you’re hot,” he sighs. That’s good enough for me. I get a chance to look in the mirror while Tabitha sweeps up hair. I actually really like it. Max was right. Tabitha knows how to use a pair of scissors.
It stops around my collar. Tabitha left the bangs long but she did something to them to make them look styled instead of sheepdog. They still come down to just below my nose but they’re straighter somehow. They don’t just hang in my face with a slight part to allow me to see. Now they’re parted slightly off center but kind of swept back. When I shake my head I can still hide behind bangs but when I shake it again I can see. I like it.
We say goodbye to Mark and Lydia and then we pile into Max’s car. Once we’re on the road, Max entwines his fingers in mine and raises my hand to his mouth to kiss the back of it then we continue to hold hands as he drives. I watch the passing scenery while Tabitha and Max bicker over music. Max rules that since he’s driving and it’s his car he gets to pick the music. I’m not playing favorites or anything when I agree.
I’m quiet most of the way to Harrisburg. It’s only about a forty minute drive but it’s plenty of time for me to work myself into being nervous. I don’t do well in crowds. Max and Tabitha keep up a steady stream of conversation on the road but I can tell Max notices my silence in the way he looks at me occasionally and kisses the back of my hand. Tabitha jumps out of the car as soon as we get to our destination. Max turns the key but makes no move to exit the car.
“Are you okay?” he asks as his eyes search my face. I look out the window and see Tabitha jumping up and down to keep warm then I turn back to Max.
“I’m fine,” I assure him. “Just…I’ve never been to a club before and you know I don’t like crowds. Just…don’t leave me alone, okay?” I can feel my pulse quicken with this tiny admission that I might not in fact be one hundred percent okay.
“I wouldn’t leave you alone,” he reassures me then kisses me and we get out of the car. There’s a bit of a line to get in but we get to skip to the front of the line. Max wasn’t kidding when he said he knew the band. Not only do we get to skip the line but we’re also on a guest list and we get special VIP badges to wear around our necks. Apparently these things will get us backstage and into other areas of the club that are typically off limits.
The club is already full when we enter and the music is loud. The lights are low but there’s a full light show going on even though the band doesn’t start for another hour. The downstairs of the club is all ages tonight. The bars on either side of a sunken dance floor will only be serving pop, red bull and water. There’s an upper balcony that Max explains is where the over twenty-one crowd goes.
“It’s a shame it’s not all ages upstairs really,” he says. “It’s the best place to see and hear the band. If you get here early enough to be along the railing you can look right down on the stage and the sound is phenomenal up there.”
The stage is set at one end of the dance floor and the dance floor is like a pit in front of it. At the moment there are some kids lined up along the barrier that’s set between the stage and the dance floor. They’ve staked out their front row spots for a while I can tell. The rest of the dance floor is a writhing mass of bodies with lights trailing across this way and that. The music is practically deafening and we have to talk into each other’s ears like at the falls.
“Let’s dance,” Max says. I must give him a look that says I think he’s kidding because he adds, “I’m not kidding. Let’s dance. I want to dance with you in public.”
“Dance? Me? Wait, no, uh, you guys go. I’ll just watch,” I argue but then Max is taking one hand and Tabitha takes the other and they pull me towards the dance floor. They both dance really well but I’m a mess and I know it. As soon as they’re not looking I try to make a move to leave the dance floor but Max grabs me by the shirt.
“You aren’t going anywhere. Come on. It’s not that hard,” he faces me and puts his hands on my hips. “Loosen up,” he instructs me. “Just let go and let me move you until you feel it.” I try to listen to him and it does feel good to have his hands on me as he moves me around but I can’t stop looking around me. We’re not exactly having a plutonic dance here and I wonder if it looks anything like it feels.
“Oh get over yourself, Blakely. You’re never going to see any of these people again. Anyway, it’s not like this is uptight Lansing. You’re not exactly alone, you know,” Tabitha says. She tosses her head and I look in that direction to see two girls dancing together.
“Well yeah, but girls dance together all of the time,” I say. Then the girls in question move closer and they’re kissing. Tabitha nods in another direction and I see two guys dancing and they’re way closer than Max and I. As I look around the dance floor I see that there are more than a few same sex couples.
There’s one guy in particular that stands out if only because he’s obviously over twenty-one and he’s huge. He’s got to be over six feet tall and he’s totally ripped. The guy he’s dancing with is smaller, slender and can only be described as pretty. Muscle guy sees me watching and smiles with a wink. I look away flustered but after that I keep seeing him every time I look around the room and I’m probably paranoid but it seems like he’s looking at me every time I see him.
The same sex couples on the dance floor are still the minority but no one seems to be bothered. It’s liberating. I try to loosen up enough to dance with Max. I find it easier to move along with him. If he leads I can follow and soon I’m not self-conscious at all. It’s even more fun than I had dancing with Tabitha and Darcy at the party after Christmas. When he eventually kisses me I feel…elated.
“Hey, there’s Avery,” Tabitha says as Max and I are still kissing. I’m vaguely aware of a cute goth-looking girl approaching. She and Tabitha hug then Tabitha looks back at Max and me.
“Avery, you remember Max and this is Noah,” Tabitha makes the introductions as the kiss between Max and me finally ends. I look at him for a few extra seconds because I’m a little shy of this Avery person who just saw us kissing and because his eyes are so beautiful.
“Wow, the cutest ones are always gay,” Avery laughs.
“I’m not…” I start to argue then clamp my mouth shut and look away. It’s ridiculous to argue even though I’m still not sure what I am. I’d rather think like Max and stay away from labels. It’s hard not to think in terms of labels though when you can’t stop kissing your best friend, when you love him more than you thought you could ever love another person.
“Hi, Avery,” Max says as he puts an arm around me. He leans forward to kiss her cheek but he never lets go of me while he’s doing it.
“Hi, Max. Nice to meet you, Noah,” Avery says as she turns her attention to me. I feel my face get hot.
“Yeah, uh, nice to meet you,” I mumble. A song that Tabitha apparently must dance to or die plays next saving me from awkward getting to know you conversation. We all spend the next few songs dancing as a group. After a few more songs a slow song comes on and Avery takes my hand.
“Come dance with me, Noah,” she says. “Tabitha always wants to lead,” she laughs. Tabitha and Max dance and they’re talking the entire time even though I can’t hear them. Tabitha is smil
ing and I hope this means she’s finally getting over Max, not because I’m jealous or anything like that. I want her to be happy. I want them to be able to stay good friends. I don’t want her to feel badly about the thing that’s making me happier than I’ve ever been.
“So, Noah, I’ve heard that name before,” Avery says. “It’s not a common name so I have to assume you would be the same Noah that Max was crushing on back in October when I saw him last?”
“Um, I guess,” I say. This stranger knew how Max felt before I did?
“He was pretty sure you were straight,” Avery continues. I’d rather she just dance quietly but she seems to be a bit of a chatterbox.
“Uh, I was pretty sure I was too,” I surprise myself by laughing. Suddenly, there’s a huge mountain of a presence to my right. I glance over and see the ripped guy from earlier looking down at Avery and myself.
“I don’t normally do this,” he smiles and something about the smile lets me know that he most certainly does do this, “but I just have to have a dance with you.” I’m about to ask Avery if she actually wants to dance with this guy but then she’s the one backing away.
“Go for it, big guy,” she says as she steps away and soon ripped guy has his arms around me. I look frantically around the dance floor for Max and Tabitha. Somehow they’ve wandered away a bit and there are other bodies between me and them.
“I’m Bryce,” ripped guy introduces himself. “You are…”
“Noah,” I can barely get the word out of my mouth.
“I was going to say you are the most adorable little twink I’ve ever seen here,” he leans down to say it in my ear. My heart begins to jackhammer in my chest. I don’t want to be anywhere near Bryce or his muscles. He’s making me incredibly uncomfortable. I look again wildly for Max.
Behind the Falls Page 54