“You can tell me anything. Is it your parents? Did you lie to me when I asked if you were sick? I wouldn’t leave you over something like that. You have to know I would be there for you no matter what. Why can’t you just trust me enough to tell me?” he’s pleading with me but that’s not the conversation I want to have.
“That’s not what I wanted to talk to you about. I miss you. I don’t understand why it can’t be like it was before….like it was in the beginning.”
“I can’t go back to that,” Max says very quietly.
“But you said before, when you were explaining everything to me back in December, you said you’d rather be my friend than nothing. Why can’t you just give me that?” I plead.
“I told you to be sure it’s what you wanted,” he reminds me. “I told you it would change everything.”
“But why? Why does everything have to change? Why are you the only one that gets to decide? You’re my best friend, Max. Why can’t we just be that again? Don’t you even like me anymore?”
It’s the first time I realize that’s probably true. I’m a basket case. He can see there’s something wrong with me even though he has no idea what it is. He’s been seeing it for weeks. I know I’m not the same as when we met. I know that to him I’m a different person now. I know I’m different when the anxiety is this intense and I’m not sleeping and nothing feels right. Of course he doesn’t like this version of me. I hate this version of me.
“Like you?” the words come out of him like a gasp as if he’s been punched in the gut. “I fucking LOVE you, Noah and it hurts too much to even be around you dammit! How can I be your friend?” I can hear the tears in his voice even if they haven’t left his eyes yet. He slows down and puts on his signal and for a moment I think he’s actually going to kick me out of the car.
He pulls onto the access road that’s almost hidden by trees and shrubs and plants in the warmer months but is more visible now. As he pulls down the road all of the way to the gate I wonder if he’s going to walk to the falls with me but he simply parks the car and leaves the engine running. He tosses his glasses recklessly towards the dashboard and pushes the heels of his hands into his eyes again but this time he continues to rub for a while.
“What are you doing? Why did we pull over here?” I ask. Can he hear the nerves in my voice?
“Because I can’t have this conversation while operating heavy machinery,” is his response. He runs his fingers through his hair and the action knocks the knit hat off of his head. He leaves it. Finally he turns to look at me, unhooking his seat belt when the shoulder harness gets in his way. “You were the one that wanted to talk so start talking, Noah.”
“You said before that being friends was enough. Why are you taking that away from me? How can it hurt more to be friends than to ignore me? Why isn’t that enough?” Even as I say this I know he’s not going to change his mind.
“Why isn’t it enough? How can it be enough for you? You just leave and you don’t even explain yourself. ‘I can’t do this’ isn’t a good enough explanation for tearing out someone’s heart!”
“I can’t give a better explanation than that. That’s just how I feel. I can’t do it. That doesn’t mean I don’t care about you at all. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to be friends.”
“Noah, I woke up alone. You said we could talk in the morning and yet I woke up alone and your side of the bed was cold and you send me a text message? You could barely walk and yet you limped home alone, sneaking away while I was asleep? Who does that?
“Since you left there’s been this…hole,” when he says this he clutches his shirt right at his center. “It’s an emptiness that I never knew was there until you filled it and now that I know what it’s like to have you there I can’t stand the void. I haven’t felt like this since…since my mom died!” He gets out of the car, slamming the door so hard that the whole car shakes making me jump. My heart is racing.
I watch him walk away from the car towards the road. I know that emptiness. I feel it too. As I watch he stops walking and throws his head back and yells at the sky. I get out of the car slowly, slipping in the mud and residual snow that still covers this unpaved road.
I’ve only just reached the front of the car when he abruptly turns around and rushes towards me. The look on his face is one I can’t quite name. He’s angry for sure and there’s pain and betrayal and heartbreak but I also want to believe I see some love there. He looks so intense that I’m actually a little afraid and I start backing towards the car.
I’m at the passenger’s door when he catches up to me and grabs my face in his hands. He doesn’t take my face gently like he used to. He grabs me and his fingers dig in a bit as he crushes my lips with his own. He keeps walking, pushing me until I back into the car door. He presses his body against mine as he continues to kiss me in a way he never has before.
Even the very first time that Max kissed me without warning or permission it wasn’t as if he was taking a kiss. His kisses always feel like he’s giving them, giving himself completely. This kiss is completely different. He’s taking this and he’s not giving me a choice. This kiss is fierce and desperate and in a way it seems as though he’s terrified. I should push him away but I just can’t.
As it usually does when it comes to Max, my traitor body gives in to him. It’s been craving this, craving him, all week. I wrap my arms around him and pull him as close to me as I can. It’s not as if I don’t love him. It’s not like I don’t want him so it’s impossible to not want this. He’s kissing me so hard I can barely respond. When I taste salt I think he must have made my lips bleed with the force of his kiss. When he breaks away from me abruptly I see that he’s finally crying the tears I heard threaten in his voice earlier and it’s those tears that I tasted.
I still have my arms around him and he still has my face in his hands as we stare at each other. God! Why can’t I be normal so I can have this? I love you! I want to scream it but I can’t. That will make it so much harder when I have to walk away from him again because I will have to walk away from him. I want to cry and I don’t know if it’s because he kissed me or if it’s because he’s no longer kissing me.
“How can being friends be enough for you?” He whispers it in my ear and the tickle of his breath sends waves of pleasure through me like it always does. He lets up the death grip he has on my face and holds me gently kissing the tears I didn’t know wet my cheeks. His arms go around my shoulders as he holds me still leaning into me as I’m pressed against the car and he rests his cheek against my shoulder. I rest my cheek against his head in the silkiness of his hair.
“I know I said I’d rather be your friend than nothing at all,” he says quietly, “but, Noah, that was before. That was before I knew what it would be like. That was before I knew how it felt to be complete. That was before you told me you saw forever in my eyes. It’s just too painful being around you now that I know what we could have had.”
He lifts his head and looks at me again and I focus on some spot over his shoulder. I can’t meet his eyes. I can’t think about how very much I want him to kiss me again when I know we shouldn’t kiss again. He traces one finger ever so lightly down my cheek and I squeeze my eyes shut at his touch. I can barely stand it because that simple gesture of affection still feels so good.
I’m so close to just telling him everything. I want to tell him about all of my damned mental disorders and about the therapy and drugs. I even want to tell him about what happened when I was fourteen and all of the other bad times and how I’ll most likely never be completely normal and how much I love him because I do….so very, very much.
All I have to do is open my mouth. All I have to do is be honest with him, really honest for the first time. I actually do open my mouth to speak but then I think of what will happen when the truth is out there. He’ll leave, of course he will and I’ll feel just as badly as I do now but it will be worse because then he’ll know my secret. I can’t stand it if he finds out
who I really am and he turns away. I’d rather break my own heart than have him break it for me.
“Max,” I start and he silences me with his mouth on mine. This kiss is nothing like the first one. This one is soft and tentative, almost as tentative as the first time he ever kissed me. Of course I can’t turn away. I kiss him back and we’re wrapped up in each other again and I can barely breathe and I realize he’s shaking.
“You’re freezing,” I whisper when he finally ends the kiss. Is it any wonder? He has no hat, no gloves and his coat is open.
“I don’t care,” he says as he hugs me a little tighter. He kisses my forehead, my cheeks and my neck then comes back to my mouth. He shivers again.
“I care. Get in the car,” I tell him. He backs away and opens my door for me. I slip into the car but Max doesn’t shut the door. He slides into the car with me. He kneels with a leg on either side of me, his butt in my lap and then he pulls the door closed. He unbuttons my coat and slips his hands inside. His mouth goes right to my sweet spot and I can’t bite back the moan that it causes.
What is wrong with me? I’m supposed to be convincing him to be friends not going back to whatever it was before. I’d already made the break and it was painful enough the first time. I still can’t stop myself from slipping my hands under his shirt to run my hands over the contours of his stomach as I stretch my neck to kiss him. He was shivering before but now he shrugs out of his coat and tosses it in the back seat. I put my arms around him pulling him close as he takes my face in his hands and kisses me deeply.
We’re both panting and grasping and touching as if we can’t get enough. He runs his fingers through my hair and tugs as he sucks on my lower lip and I swear I can feel it all the way to my toes. I run my hands up and down his back just touching him, wanting to be close and then I put my hands on his butt and pull him towards me. He laughs into my mouth as he presses against me. He breaks away from my mouth and traces his thumbs across my cheeks.
His mouth goes again and again to my sweet spot because he knows what it does to me. He moves against me as he kisses and his hands never stop moving over me. I can feel my resolve crumbling. I feel like I can’t get close enough to him. I pull him as close as I can but I keep trying to bring him closer. He leaves my mouth to nip at my neck and to kiss my ear and blow into it causing goose bumps and then he comes back to my mouth. Time and again he comes back to my mouth and my stomach keeps flipping and I can’t stop myself from shaking like a quivering, shivering mess because I WANT him so much.
For my part I kiss him back and pull him close and run my hands over him and wish I was able to keep him. I pull the collar of his shirt down so I can kiss his collarbone and he sighs my name. I have no idea how long we spend making out in the car but the light has changed. It’s getting darker. He breaks away from my mouth to look at me and rubs his thumbs over my cheeks again.
“I love you so much, No,” he whispers. He kisses me again. I feel my stomach flip and I don’t ever want the kiss to stop but it does because he has more to say. “I love you enough for the both of us. Don’t run from me again. It kills me when you do that. I want to be there for you. We can figure this out together. Whatever it is…it’s not bigger than us. I won’t let it be. I love you too much to let it be.”
I like the sound of that. I wish I had some problem we could solve together. I love the thought that together we’re more than anything and we can handle whatever comes along but it’s not true. Max will think I’m weak. He thinks his real father was weak. He thinks Mark’s brother was weak. He thinks my gramps was weak. He can never know the truth.
Suddenly I’m overcome with such a feeling of despair that I’m momentarily overwhelmed. I break off the kiss gasping. He looks at me with concern etched on his face and God it’s such a beautiful face. His eyes bore into me and I wonder what he sees.
“What is it?” he asks as his eyes continue to search my face for a clue. I shake my head.
“What time is it?” I ask to distract him. He checks his watch.
“Almost six,” he says. We’ve been here for over an hour? I can’t believe we haven’t run out of gas.
“I have to get home,” I tell him. “My parents are going to freak that I’ve been gone so long.” He looks at me for a moment longer then he gives me a quick, pecking kiss and opens the door. He unfolds himself from the car. I miss him the second he’s gone. He’s just outside the car and I feel so incredibly alone. He slides into the driver’s seat.
He runs his fingers through his hair, retrieves his glasses and puts them back on then looks at me with that half smile that always melts me. I know he thinks I’ve reconsidered and we’re okay now. How could he not after the way I just acted? The truth is I want to reconsider. I want him back even though I know it will only lead to heartbreak and more anxiety and more sleepless nights but it’s not like I’m doing real great on my own anyway.
I still have a few miles to think until we get to my house. As we pull back out onto the main road Max takes my hand in his, entwining our fingers together and he raises it to his lips to place a soft kiss on it as he drives.
I blink back tears as I look out of the window. That feeling of despair is still there, not as powerful as before perhaps but it’s coiled and ready to strike. I can’t meet his eyes but I can feel him looking at me from time to time as we drive in silence. I don’t take my hand out of his even though I know I should.
I’m aware how cruel this is. I’m letting him think we’re back where we were when I have no idea if that’s true. I think it’s probably not. Nothing has changed, after all. There are still the same problems and lies and secrets that I’ve been hiding.
When we get to my house and he pulls up out front I know I have one last chance to reconsider or to push him away again. I can invite him in and have my parents help me explain everything to him, the panic attacks, the anxiety, the depression and the way it all makes me, this person that can’t sleep, can’t eat and can barely function some days. He doesn’t need to know the worst of it. If he really loves me he can handle it can’t he?
Then maybe, just maybe after we get that all straightened out maybe Max can help me explain about us to my parents. They like Max and he can always talk them around so maybe he can explain it so they’re okay with it. Maybe I can do all of it, come clean with everyone. I have a single, joyous moment of hopefulness, and optimism that this is all going to work out fine but it’s short lived. When Max brushes his fingers lightly across my cheek I look anxiously to the house hoping that neither of my parents is looking out the window.
If my parents find out the truth about Max they won’t understand. How can they when I don’t? If Max finds out the truth about me he’ll just leave and I don’t think I could survive that. I can’t live with the constant fear and threat of all of my secrets being exposed.
“Come over tonight,” he says giving my hand a squeeze. “Let’s really talk, okay?” He rubs his thumb across the back of my hand and I look at our entwined fingers for a moment before carefully extricating myself from his grasp.
“I can’t,” I say flatly.
“Tomorrow then. I’ve missed you so much and we have so much to work out…”
“No, we don’t. There’s nothing to work out, Max. It’s still not going to work. I still can’t do this. I just want to be your friend again…put all of that other stuff away and just be friends like we’re meant to be.” I’ve stunned him into silence.
“Noah, don’t do this,” he finally finds words. I’ve never heard him sound quite this defeated before, even after the first time I tried to leave. He sounds so broken and I hate myself for being the one to do that to him. For the rest of his life he’ll remember me as his first real heartbreak. I’ll be that first person that ever took his heart, played with it then tore it apart. I hate that I diminished him somehow. I deserved it when Tabitha slapped me.
“I’m sorry,” I falter.
“God, Noah! What the Hell was that back there?
Why are you doing this to me? You give yourself to me then you take it away and I just don’t understand! I can’t turn it on and off like that. How can you? I love you ALL of the time, not just when it’s convenient. I even love you when you’re treating me like shit and pushing me away and lying to me and I don’t want to BE the kind of person that puts up with that but, God help me, I will if you just stay!”
“I’m so sorry, Max. Please don’t leave it like this. Just be my friend again okay?”
“Fuck you, Noah,” he says vehemently. I’ve never heard this kind of venom in his voice and I know I’ve destroyed him…destroyed us. “Get out of the car.” I don’t move right away. There has to be something I can say, some way to make us okay but I can’t find it. I know that when I get out of this car it’s all over. We’ll never speak again but again, I’d rather break my own heart.
“Get the fuck out of the car, Noah!”
My heart is pounding and my hands are shaking as I release the seatbelt and fumble with the lock. He finally unlocks the door from his side and I stumble out of the car ungracefully. Almost before I can close the door he floors it and takes off down the street barely stopping to take the turn back to his house and now I stand alone on the sidewalk.
I’m shaking and I feel sick and that feeling of despair is stronger than ever. I don’t know if my parents heard his car pull up when we got here. I don’t know if one or both of them are watching me right now. I wipe my face and steel myself before heading into the house.
“Noah? We’re just sitting down to dinner,” Mom calls from the kitchen when she hears the door close. I sleepwalk my way there and slide boneless into a chair. My stomach is in knots. I sit on my hands because they won’t stop shaking. Mom starts filling my plate with food I won’t eat.
Behind the Falls Page 65