Marian took a deep breath. “That doesn’t tell me how you learned it. There is a lot of information in this journal I’ve never seen before. I’ve studied enough medical journals to understand that this is very different than most physicians today.”
“No, I don’t suppose it does. It’s not something you can learn by accident, is it?” She smiled serenely. “I like you, Marian. I see some of myself in you—almost as if you’re family. I can’t shake the feeling.”
That was odd. Marian doubted they were related. There were no American relations in her family. At least not that she was aware of, yet she could see it too. Something about Alys was familiar to her as well. “If we’re as close as family, perhaps you will feel comfortable enough to tell me your secret.”
“Secrets are dangerous things,” Alys said quietly. “In the wrong hands, it can ruin a life. That gossipmonger Lady X does her very best to expose the worst sorts of secrets.”
“I’m not the Lady of Whispers,” Marian said. “She is much more wily then I could ever be, but somehow I don’t think you believe it possible that I am Lady X. How bad could your secret possibly be?”
She sighed. “Life destroying…” She stood and walked over to the window, keeping her back to Marian. “Why is this so important to you?”
“I want to help people—to be a physician, but no one will teach me. I was hoping you would.”
She turned her head and met Marian’s gaze. She held it for several moments and then closed her eyes. She took a deep breath and opened them. “I can’t help you with that. No one can know the extent of my skills. They would start to ask questions I’m not willing to answer.”
“But…”
Alys held up a hand, interrupting her. “I didn’t say I wouldn’t share some of my knowledge. I can’t help you be a physician. That would be going public in a way I’m not prepared to do.”
“I don’t understand.” What was the duchess offering her? If she couldn’t help her become a physician, what was the point? This was the last card she had to play, and if it wasn’t strong enough, what hope did she have left? “Why won’t you do more?”
“Let’s just say I’m a woman living in a time that wasn’t meant for me,” she said. “The world isn’t ready for anything as advanced as a woman doctor yet. That doesn’t mean you can’t learn and help others—but not as a practicing physician. When you have a family of your own…”
“I’m never having anything resembling a happy-ever-after. A family isn’t in my future.”
It pained her a great deal to admit that aloud. Lord Harrington had broken a key part of her soul. Recovering from a wound so deep wouldn’t happen fast, or at all. She’d probably love him forever and couldn’t imagine being with anyone other than him.
“Don’t give up,” Alys said and walked back toward her. “Love isn’t something you can plan for. I should know. I had a promising future and an exciting career…” She shook her head. “None of that matters. What does is that I found James when I least expected to find him. Someday you will meet someone who takes your breath away. Your very existence becomes moot without them by your side—every breath, every heartbeat, will be for them. You never know what your true destiny is.”
“You think this is easy for me?” The tears were threatening to fall again. “I can’t very well hope for a happy future or love when my heart is already broken.”
“Oh, you poor sweet girl,” Alys said as she cupped her cheek. “Men are so foolish, and sometimes it takes them longer to figure out what is in their heart. How do you know this man doesn’t love you? Did he say he didn’t?”
“He kissed me and walked away as if I meant nothing.”
Alys was quiet for a moment and then kneeled at Marian’s feet. “I suspect it is much more complicated than that. Maybe the kiss scared him so much he ran instead of facing the truth.”
The first time Jonas had kissed her it had terrified her. It had brought forth emotions she hadn’t been ready to face. Had something similar happened to Jonas? He’d been patient with her and did his charming best to win her over. That night had been trying for him with his grandfather. Perhaps she was over thinking things…
Alys cupped Marian’s cheek lightly in her palm. “Don’t think about his actions, or even his words. Even if he never comes back to you, but I think he will.” She clasped Marian’s hands in her own. “Give him some time to figure it out. When he falls to his knees and begs forgiveness, try to open yourself up to that love.”
“How can you be so optimistic?” Jonas hadn’t given her any indication he loved her. Did the duchess know something she didn’t? “He was adamant that he’d never marry, and it was for the best things didn’t go any further between us.”
“Being resistant to change is human,” Alys said. “This is one more step toward evolving into the man you need him to be. I’m willing to bet it is killing him to not run to you and make you his.” She smiled. “When he does, it will all make sense.”
“What he does isn’t up to me,” Marian said. “I can’t stop living—to hope he comes to his senses. That’s no way to live.”
“I’m not telling you to.” She got to her feet and walked over to the shelf. Alys yanked the book off the shelf she’d slid back in place earlier and carried it back to Marian, then handed it to her. “This isn’t to leave this room. Read everything in it—even the nonmedical stuff. It’ll answer all your questions and perhaps give you some faith you desperately need.”
Then she walked out of the room, closing the door behind her as she went. She was giving her the opportunity she’d been anxious for, but it had conditions. She could learn, but she might never be able to use that knowledge for anything good. The double-edged sword of getting what she wanted but not in the way she could have imagined—the question was, could she live with it?
Marian flipped the book open and started reading. Earlier, she’d opened to the middle, enthralled by the drawings of the human body. It had labeled various parts in ways she’d never seen before. But the first page of the book was enlightening in so many other ways.
To those I love…
My secret is one that is kept in the family, and it is my hope that it will remain so for many generations. Some things in life can’t be planned for. After a family member from my past visited me unexpectedly, I decided it would be best to keep some of my knowledge in written form for future generations. Nothing in this journal may be shared outside of Weston Manor’s walls, and my name will be left out of the text. I don’t wish to change the future, only make the present a little better. Outside of this small note, the rest of the journal will strictly be medical information.
When I started studying medicine, I had grand dreams of being a world famous surgeon, and who knows, I might have been one in another lifetime. Fate had a different idea of what would make me happy and sent me to a time where I could find it. My husband is my greatest gift, and only our children can possibly be its equal. This is my gift to you and your future. May my displacement be the answer you seek, but above all, find love—there’s nothing more important than the happiness yet to be discovered.
The Duchess of Weston
Marian frowned. That was far more then she expected to find. It could be taken literally or figuratively. Was the duchess more advanced than she originally thought, or was she a whimsical dreamer? Either way, her advice wasn’t something Marian wanted to ignore.
AFTER MARIAN LEFT THE LIBRARY, she went in search of Samantha and Kaitlin. She’d come to Weston Manor to ask Alys for help becoming a physician, but nothing had gone as she’d hoped. The duchess did understand medicine, and probably would make a good mentor; however, she might not be the answer Marian needed. Becoming a physician had been everything she’d ever wanted for so long. Now she wasn’t so sure it would lead to the happiness she’d originally believed it would.
She wandered aimlessly in search of Samantha and Kaitlin. Over the course of the house party, she hadn’t been a good friend t
o either of them. She’d been so self-involved that she hadn’t stopped once to ask if they were all right. She’d assumed they were both doing well and pursued her dream. After a short while, she found them in a sitting room near the back of the house. Samantha was pouring tea and Kaitlin was flipping through the pages of a book.
“Finally,” Marian said. “I was about to give up finding the two of you in this enormous house.”
“It would be easy to become lost here,” Kaitlin replied as she closed the book in her hand. “But we weren’t hiding.”
Was her cousin irritated with her? They had come to the house party to help Marian gain the duchess’s support, yet that didn’t mean she should have ignored them. She desperately needed their advice. Alys had been great; nonetheless, she wasn’t her closest friends. Should Marian give up on medicine and Jonas, or should she fight for both? There were so many decisions she had to make, and she wasn’t sure what to do.
“Forgive me,” Marian said earnestly. “I’ve been consumed with everything I wanted that I didn’t stop to appreciate what I already have.”
“Come in.” Samantha waved at her. “I’ll pour you a cup, and you can tell us what has you so worried.”
“I’m not…”
“Darling,” Samantha interrupted. “We know you perhaps better than you know yourself. There’s nothing to forgive. Now tell us what’s wrong so we can help you through it.”
What had she done to deserve the two of them? She sat down in the nearest chair and took the tea Samantha offered. “Before we start on my issues, tell me about the Earl of Darcy. He seems intrigued by you. Do you think he’ll make an offer?”
Samantha shrugged. “Maybe, but I don’t know if I’ll accept. There’s something—missing. He’s handsome, rich, and of course has that wonderful title…”
“You don’t love him.”
Marian had become rather adept in matters of the heart of late. Her own still ached from the humiliation of the previous night. Jonas destroyed her with his indifference and dismissal. She wasn’t sure she could be as forgiving as she might need to be if he ever apologized. He probably didn’t love her, and it would prove to be moot.
“No,” Samantha agreed. “I don’t love him. I like him…” She sighed and fidgeted in her seat. “But my heart doesn’t skip a beat when he’s near, and I can’t see us having more than a congenial relationship.”
“Are you sure you can’t grow to love him?” Kaitlin asked. She reached for the cup of tea Samantha had poured her and took a sip. “Sometimes love comes on gradually.”
Samantha sat back and stared at Kaitlin. Her mouth fell open in surprise. “I think someone has a secret.”
Marian stared at the two of them and couldn’t figure out what Samantha saw that she didn’t. They both looked the same. Kaitlin was serene and beautiful as always. There wasn’t a hair out of place, and her dress held a bit of wrinkles from curling up on the settee with her book. “What secret?” She was usually much quicker than this.
“Our Katie is in love.”
“I am not,” Kaitlin denied. “Don’t be ridiculous.”
“Who is he?” Samantha teased. “Have we met him?”
Marian studied her cousin. Was Samantha right? Had Kaitlin fallen in love? How could Samantha tell, and did Marian have similar signs evident on her face? Did they know how she felt about Jonas?
“Leave her be.” Marian was rather protective of her feelings for Jonas and would hate to have someone question her about it. “If and when she’s ready, she’ll tell us.”
Samantha turned toward her and smiled. “You don’t fool me either. We both see how you are with Lord Harrington. I thought you said you’d never fall in love.”
That was exactly what Marian had wanted to avoid. She’d let Samantha have her way though if it would save Kaitlin from the same fate. “It doesn’t matter what I feel for him. It’s not reciprocated, and I’m not throwing myself at him hoping to change his mind.”
Kaitlin’s mouth fell open. It was a day for surprises, and it wasn’t that late yet. What else did the world have in store for them? Her cousin set her tea on a nearby table and leaned forward. “I never thought I’d hear you admit it.”
“I admitted nothing.” Maybe in a way she had. “At least I didn’t intend to... I do love that wicked rogue…” Marian sighed and then set her tea down too. “I don’t know what to do about it—about anything. Nothing has gone as planned.”
“Oh, dear,” Samantha replied. Her own tea cup rattled against the saucer holding it. “I had hoped it wasn’t as bad as it seemed when you walked in. Tell us everything.”
“I must apologize for dragging you both here.” She wished there had been a better outcome, but it wasn’t to be. “I talked with the duchess. She gave me a journal of hers to read. The little I have already examined is amazing…”
“Then what is the problem?” Kaitlin asked.
“She says my dream is impossible; that the world isn’t ready for a lady doctor yet.” There—she had said it aloud, and now she could finally accept it. “I wanted to talk to the two of you before I read the rest. I have a lot of decisions to make, and I’m not sure what I should do.”
“I think,” Samantha began. “That you should go finish reading that journal, and then after you finish, take some time to consider all your options. Nothing has to be decided right now.” She stood and walked over to Marian, then pulled her into a hug. “As far as Lord Harrington—if he doesn’t realize how wonderful you are, he doesn’t deserve you.”
A tear fell down her cheek. If she didn’t pull herself together, she’d lose it entirely. Why was everything so hard? So many people looked to her to be strong, and she couldn’t always be what they needed. Most of the time she was doing the same thing they were—surviving in a world that was determined to break her.
“I think you’re right.” Marian hugged her back.
“Of course I am.” Samantha stepped back. “Now go read that book and tell us all about it later.”
Marian laughed. Then she stood and crossed over to hug Kaitlin. She whispered in her ear, “It’s all right to love. I’m here when you’re ready to talk.” Kaitlin hugged her tighter with those words. Samantha was right on another count—Kaitlin was, indeed, in love. The question was with whom? Then she addressed them, “I’ll leave you two to finish your tea. I’m so blessed to have both of you in my life. Thank you for being so wonderful.”
“Go before you make me cry too,” Samantha ordered as she wiped her eyes. Sometimes tears fell whether a person wanted them to or not.
Marian slipped out of the room and headed back to the library. She had a book to finish reading, and there was only one place she could do it. Maybe after she finished it she’d have a better idea of what to do with her future. If not, she had some time to sort through it all. She did love Jonas, but sometimes things didn’t work out, and that might be one more dream she had to let go of. If so, she’d find a way to work through it and move on with her life. It was what she did, after all. This wasn’t the first time she’d had to deal with unyielding pain, and it probably wouldn’t be the last time she grieved for something dear she’d lost.
CHAPTER 14
JONAS GULPED down the glass of brandy he was holding. The amber liquid burned as it traveled down his throat. He deserved the pain and so much more. Nothing he did would erase the image of heartbreak etched across Marian’s face. He’d been such an arse. Why had he let things progress as far as they had? She was perfect in every way, and he’d sullied her with his touch. He should have kept his hands to himself.
Maybe he wasn’t any different than the old bastard that dogged his heels. The duke had done a number on him over the years that he sometimes acted first and considered the ramifications later. His grandfather messed with his psyche in ways no one else could. When Marian had walked in, Jonas had been blinded by his need and hadn’t taken into consideration her feelings. He flirted with her and often; however, he’d never taken thin
gs as far as he had.
There was a time he’d wished his life to be simple, and to have a mundane existence of attending balls to search for a wife. His father would be alive, and his mother would never have abandoned him—leaving him in the cruel hands of the Duke of Southington. He’d be able to openly love and plan a family… Unfortunately, that wasn’t his life, and he couldn’t go back to change it. Instead, he had to consider every possibility and try to outsmart his evil grandfather. Maybe he should stop worrying about what the evil bastard might do and live his life. That was so hard for him. Age-old securities wouldn’t go away in one heartbeat.
Jonas slammed the glass down on a nearby table. What was he going to do? How could he possibly make Marian understand how incredibly messed up he was? Would she ever be able to forgive him? Darkness had been a part of his life for so long he didn’t know if he could live in the light.
“There you are.”
Jonas closed his eyes and took a deep breath. His grandfather wasn’t going to leave well enough alone. He’d gone to London in search of him, and when that hadn’t worked he’d followed Jonas to Kent. “What do you want?” Jonas turned to face him, preparing for battle. Every conversation was a skirmish they both fought to win. “I don’t have time for you.”
“Don’t be foolish,” the duke barked out. “You’re going to inherit my title some day, and you need to listen to me.”
“I don’t want your bloody title. Let David have it—he’s itching to lord over the ton.”
“Your cousin is a blundering idiot. I will not let him anywhere near my estate. It’s you, or it dies out with me.”
“Then so be it.” Jonas poured more brandy into his glass. He lifted it up and slowly sipped it as if he had all the time in the world. “With your death, there will be no more tyrant dukes to be found.”
“You stupid boy,” his grandfather said angrily. “Don’t you realize everything I’ve done for you?”
Jonas slammed the glass down. The brandy spilled out, pooling down the sides. “Are you becoming senile in your old age? All you’ve done for me is leave me bruised and bloody—but those wounds heal. The emotional scars are buried deep and continue to make me less of a man. I won’t let you destroy what little there is left of my dignity.”
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