Chance Seduction (The Seduction Series)

by Jess Dee

  Goddamn it, she wished he could love her back, but until he’d resolved his issues about his son, he’d never allow himself that luxury. He didn’t have the capacity to live his life to the fullest while he still grieved for Timmy. “Do you think the pain will ever ease?”

  He shrugged. “I’d like to reach a point when I can think about Timmy and smile. Remember the good times.”

  She bit her lip. “Have you…did you ever mourn Timmy after he died?”

  His eyes turned hard. “I mourn him every day of my life.”

  “I know you do. I can see it. Your wounds are still raw ten years later.” No wonder he appeared so cold the first time he’d met her. He used distance as a means of hiding his trauma. If no one could get close, no one could see his injuries. “You never allowed yourself a chance to heal.”

  “You expect me to heal after what happened?” His tone was harsh.

  “I don’t expect anything. I…” She had to tread carefully. “I wish you were free of your guilt of living.”

  “What are you implying?” His eyes grew cold. “That I should be glad I lived and Timmy died?”

  “You know I’m not.”

  For a moment his shoulders sagged. “Do you have any idea how many times I’ve wished our roles had been reversed? How many times I wished I were the one who’d been sick and not Timmy? Do you know what it’s like to watch your child die? To live through your child’s death?” He turned around and grabbed her shoulders. “Do you know how impossible it is not to mourn, not to spend every minute of your life reliving the last minutes of your son’s? I don’t think you do. I don’t think you have a fucking clue.”

  His grief was so intense it was almost tangible. How much of it had he kept buried inside all this time, festering? Expressing it in the only way he knew how—as rage or disinterest in the rest of the world.

  Even now, when his sorrow and heartache were so plainly evident, he manifested the pain as anger.

  “I don’t think anyone has a fucking clue. You want me to live guilt-free? Yeah? Well how fucking easy do you think that is? Should I pretend it never happened? Move on and get another life? Have another kid? Is that what you want from me?”

  Lexi dealt with wrath like this every day with patients who’d lost children to cancer. Only Adam wasn’t work; he was personal. With clients, she kept her distance and her objectivity. With Adam, she couldn’t. His hurt was too real to her. His temper affected her.

  “I want you to be happy again. The only way you can do that is by mourning your son. You have to feel the pain to get through it. Allow the hurt in, deal with it, accept it. Maybe then you’ll be able to find a place for happiness, too.”

  “You think I don’t let the pain in?”

  “I think you do. All the time. But you don’t express it. You keep it bottled up so tight it only comes out when you’re asleep and have no control over it.”

  A muscle twitched in his jaw, and his mouth clenched shut.

  “Let go, Adam. Let your emotions out. You want to feel again. You said so in the mountains.”

  “Oh, it’s that simple, is it? I should let myself cry for a few days, and then I’ll be fine. I’ll be the old Adam all over again. Not a worry in the world.”

  Lexi shook her head. “You’ve been through too much to ever be the same. Timmy’s illness changed you. It would be unrealistic to expect to go back to what you were before, but to expect to experience joy again isn’t. It’ll be different, because you’re different.” She touched his arm. “Let go of Timmy. Let yourself mourn him properly so you can say good-bye. So you can start to live again.”

  “What if I don’t want to live, not without him?”

  “I think you do.” She took a deep breath. “You’re with me now. Something’s telling you it’s time to try again. To give life another shot.”

  “Fuck that. I don’t deserve another shot.”

  “You don’t deserve to be happy?”

  “I don’t deserve to be with you.” His voice lost its life. “I tried to be with a woman once. I failed. Our son died.”

  “He didn’t die because of you.”

  “I couldn’t help him.”

  “No one could. It wasn’t your fault.”

  “I was his father.”

  “Yeah, but you’re not God. What happened to Timmy was out of your hands. That doesn’t mean you have to punish yourself. Tracey was his mother and she couldn’t help him, either. She understood that.”

  “She’s happy again.”

  “You can be, too.”

  “I want to be.” He dropped his head. “The thought of moving on, it’s too—” He stopped mid-sentence and the color drained from his face.

  “Adam?”

  “Oh, shit.”

  “What is it?”

  “How could I be so stupid?” His face was white and his eyes had turned to ice crystals.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Protection. We didn’t use any tonight.” He hit the basin with his palm. “The condoms are still in my wallet.”

  Oh. Shit.

  “Hell.” He rubbed a hand over his face. “An unwanted pregnancy’s the last thing I need.”

  It wasn’t exactly on top of her list of priorities, either. One day, yes—but not now. “Adam—”

  “I’m an idiot. I was so turned on, I completely forgot.” He stared at her. “This is a problem, Lexi. A very big problem.”

  He wasn’t kidding. His little swimmers could be hastily making their way to her ovaries right this minute. One of them might have struck it lucky already.

  She blanched.

  Adam stalked into the living room.

  She darted after him.

  He snatched his clothes up from the floor, shoved his legs into his pants, and pulled them up.

  “Wait, what are you doing?”

  “I have to go.”

  “You’re leaving?” In the middle of everything? They needed to discuss this. Leaving wouldn’t resolve anything.

  “I’m going overseas tomorrow.”

  “I know.” Panic clawed at her chest. “We should talk, work this out before you leave.”

  “You think talking will stop you falling pregnant?” He did up his belt. “I have to pack.”

  She gawked at him. “Because packing’s a more effective means of birth control?”

  Adam’s acerbic glare made Lexi want to bite her tongue. Sarcasm had no place here. “Please, think calmly for a minute. We can’t assume this…mistake will result in a pregnancy. In fact, it’s unlikely at this time of the month.” At least she prayed it was. She wasn’t ready for that kind of responsibility. “But we have to work out how we’d deal with it if I am.”

  “If you are?” He glowered at her. “You know my thoughts about kids. I told you, I don’t want to have more.”

  “Oh, well, that’s fabulous. If the packing doesn’t work, maybe your insistence you don’t want kids will prevent a pregnancy. Yeah, sure. Go on home and pack. It’s all good here. Nothing to worry about now.”

  So much for losing the sarcasm.

  “My son died. I cannot, will not, go through that again.”

  “I know,” she said gently. “And it destroyed you. But Timmy’s death has nothing to do with tonight, and his dying won’t change the outcome of our negligence.”

  “What do you want to hear? That I’ll be thrilled if you are knocked up? That my reasons for not wanting a family are bullshit?”

  “That’s not what I’m saying at all, and you know it.” Lexi tensed. “I get why you don’t want children, Adam. But understanding how much you suffered when Timmy was sick doesn’t solve our problem.”

  “Nope, it sure doesn’t.” He jammed his arms into his sleeves and yanked his shirt on. “This is all I need. Two weeks overseas, wondering whether you’re pregnant or not. Working out what to do if you are.”

  “It’s not up to you to find a solution. It’s up to both of us.”

  “This complicatio
n started with both of us. From here on, I’ll sort things out.”

  Her jaw dropped. “Alone?”

  He gave a sharp nod and reached for his socks.

  Was he crazy? They faced a crisis which might involve her body for the next nine months, and possibly a lifetime of responsibility thereafter, and he thought he’d sort it out…alone? “Because you’re the only one affected by this? It’s your body that faces almost a year of change and upheaval?”

  “Because I don’t want more kids, and I forgot the fucking condom, so I’ll sort out the mess I created.”

  Lexi narrowed her eyes. He made no acknowledgment of the two of them being in this together, nor gave any indication that she was involved, too. He thought only about how this problem related to himself. “Don’t you mean the mess we created?”

  “Whatever. I’ll work something out.”

  “Not on your own, you won’t. This isn’t the kind of issue you can control and manipulate to please yourself. There’s another person involved.” She pointed to herself. “We need to work together.”

  “Don’t kid yourself. There is no ‘we,’ and you and I won’t be working together. It’s being together that got us into this mess in the first place.” He shoved his hand through his hair. “Christ, I should have known better,” he muttered. “I should never have gotten involved with you.”

  Anger exploded in her belly, and just like that, Lexi had enough.

  Adam had once again changed from a tender and passionate lover to the arrogant, self-involved asshole she’d met in his office. His behavior was unacceptable, and she refused to put up with it. “You know what? You’re right. You shouldn’t have gotten involved with me. Or more to the point, I shouldn’t have gotten involved with you. I’ll put it down to bad judgment on my part. Or temporary insanity.” She picked up his shoes, walked to the front door, and opened it. “Well, it was fun while it lasted. Or not really. Anyway, off you go.” She gestured outside. “Time to pack. Enjoy Hong Kong. Hope you come to some fascinating solutions to the problem while you’re away.”

  He crossed the room, frowned, and hesitantly raised his hand as if to touch her.

  She wasn’t having a bar of it. She was through with being touched by Adam Riley. Lexi shoved his shoes at him. “G’bye then. Fly safely.” She nudged him out of her flat.

  “This isn’t—”

  She shut the door in his face, cutting off anything else he might have said.

  ...

  Lexi collapsed on her bed moments later, aghast. Had that really happened?

  Had the man she’d fallen in love with just voiced his regret about getting involved with her?

  This was not the happy ending she’d always dreamed about. Instead of looking forward to a future where she and Adam might have been able to give a relationship a real go, she existed in a nightmarish world of bad mistakes.

  The first mistake had been giving him another chance. The second had been forgetting the condom.

  Now she faced her biggest mistake of all—the prospect of a pregnancy with a child whose father was so emotionally damaged he couldn’t see further than the pain that consumed him.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Adam was in hell. No two ways about it.

  He swore and rubbed his hands over his eyes as he sat up in bed. His shoulders ached and his neck had gone into spasm. Every time he tried to turn it to the left, sharp jabs of heat tore through his shoulder, straight to his chin.

  He was barely awake and he had a tension headache. Another one.

  The hotel bed wasn’t to blame. It was perfectly comfortable. The headache had nothing to do with the five-star accommodation and everything to do with the woman whose home he’d stalked out of three nights ago. Or was it four nights?

  He’d lost track.

  Adam checked his watch. Six forty-five in the morning. Which meant it was eight forty-five back home. He reached for the phone and, for the umpteenth time since landing in Hong Kong, called Lexi’s mobile number.

  He owed her a massive apology for his abhorrent behavior.

  For the umpteenth time, he got her voice mail. He swore, not bothering to leave a message.

  An apology wouldn’t cut it. Hell, groveling at her feet wouldn’t be good enough. Not after what he’d said to her. True, he’d known going into this relationship that getting involved with Lexi would tear his wounds wide open. But voicing his distress out loud was unforgivable. Especially since it wasn’t his involvement with her that distressed him. It was the pain of his past, and his inability to hide from that pain.

  Next, he dialed the hospital—again.

  Adam had done some dickish things in his past, but his response to the forgotten condom was possibly the most dickish behavior in history.

  “Department of Social Work, this is Penny speaking.”

  “Lexi Tanner, please.”

  “One moment, and I’ll connect you. Whom may I say is calling?”

  “AJ Riley.” As if Penny didn’t recognize his voice by now. He’d spoken to her a dozen times since leaving Sydney.

  “I’m sorry, Mr. Riley, Lexi isn’t taking calls at the moment.”

  Of course she wasn’t. “You just said you’d connect me.”

  “I know, but Lexi’s signaling to me that she’s not accepting calls.”

  “She’s there?” Thank God. “Let me talk to her.”

  “Uh, she’s not available now. Would you like to leave a message?”

  “No. I want to talk to her. Put her on.”

  “I’ll try.” There was a moment of silence and then Penny said again, “I apologize for the delay. Lexi can’t speak right now. If you leave a number, she’ll get back to you.”

  Yeah, right. “Never mind. I’ll call again later.”

  Penny sighed through the phone. “You can try. I’m not sure you’ll have any luck.”

  Adam swore silently. “Thank you for your help,” he said before hanging up.

  Fuck.

  He threw off the covers and went to shower. She wasn’t going to answer. Not if he phoned every day, fifty times a day, for the next two weeks.

  The spray of water did nothing to relieve his mood, and the soap did not wash away his remorse. His disposition only worsened when a knock sounded on the hotel door.

  “What?”

  “It’s me. Open up.”

  Adam clamped down on his irritation and let Matt into the room.

  “We leave in thirty minutes. Thought you might want to get breakfast first,” his friend said by way of greeting.

  Adam checked his watch. Even if there were time, it was pointless phoning her again. She wouldn’t answer. He nodded at Matt and grabbed his briefcase. “Let’s go.”

  Brodie followed him out of the room. “You going to talk about it?”

  He pursed his lips. “About what?”

  “Whatever the hell’s bothering you.”

  Of course, Matt had to say something.

  Rather than riding in the elevator, they chose the stairs. Adam took them two at a time. “Nothing’s bothering me.”

  There. That should cut the conversation short.

  “Cool,” Matt said amiably. “And by ‘nothing’ I assume you’re talking about Lexi.”

  Okay, maybe not quite as short as he’d figured.

  “Do you know when last I saw you this bent out of shape?” Matt asked.

  Adam didn’t answer.

  “Ten years ago.”

  The vigorous walk downstairs didn’t seem to affect Matt. Adam’s breathing was substantially heavier than usual. “You remember how I behaved a decade ago?”

  Matt stopped at the entry to the dining room. “Mate, you were fucked up. You couldn’t sit still. Couldn’t look me in the eye. You couldn’t smile. Same as now.”

  Christ, not Matt, too? Was the whole world conspiring to make him relive the last few months of Timmy’s life?

  He turned to his friend and forced his mouth into a tight smile. Anything to get the conversation
back into the present. “Better?”

  Matt grimaced. “Damn, don’t do that. You look like you swallowed your own fart.”

  This time, Adam’s grin was genuine.

  “Better,” Matt approved. “Now tell me. What’s up?”

  He suppressed a sigh. “I’m fine. Nothing’s wrong.”

  “You can feed the rest of the world that crap. I know you.”

  “Don’t you ever mind your own business?” As if he needed to ask.

  “Nope.”

  A waitress led them to a table. Matt had the grace to wait until they’d both helped themselves to food from the buffet before resuming his questioning. “What happened with Lexi?”

  “Nothing. It’s over.” Strange his voice could sound so even when his gut was tied up in knots.

  Matt’s nod was full of sympathy. “You fucked it up.”

  “Christ, give it a rest.”

  “I can’t. Lexi’s the right woman for you. You’re an idiot to let her get away.”

  Adam raised a brow. He was an idiot all right, no denying that. As for letting Lexi get away…well, it wasn’t his choice anymore. She’d tossed him out on his ass—and he’d deserved it.

  “I’ve been working with her for over a month,” Matt said. “I’ve gotten to know her a little. She’s the one, mate. You and I both know it.”

  Adam ate his toast. Matt’s words were immaterial. Lexi detested him, and he couldn’t blame her. He’d acted like a prick.

  “Does she know about Timmy?” There was none of Matt’s usual caustic humor in the question. Only a ton of empathy.

  He chewed methodically, swallowed, and stared at his plate. “Yes.”

  Matt’s gaze burned his forehead. “Fix it.”

  He glanced at his friend. “Fix what?”

  “Whatever you did to screw things up with her.” His eyes blazed. “Fix it.”

  Adam shook his head. If he could take back what he’d said, and his promise to deal with their problems alone, he would. In a heartbeat. “It’s too late.”

  “You want this. You told her about your son.”

  He stared at Matt for a long moment. Everything had changed. The stakes were different. It wasn’t just about him and Lexi anymore. There was a pregnancy to consider now. He shuddered.

  A child.

  “Fight for her, Riley.”