by David Bone
“Which way did he go?” one of them said.
“Down there,” I said, pointing toward wherever.
“Can you provide a more detailed description?”
“Yeah. He was . . . uh, black, and uh, had, like, a red sweatshirt on.”
“You told us that. Any other characteristics?”
“He was just really black.” I felt bad subscribing to Renaldo’s vague racism but it was clearly working. I would have felt worse if it didn’t.
The cops uncuffed Renaldo without apology and took off in their cruiser.
“You’re a fucking genius, man. You saved my ass! I owe you one,” Renaldo said.
“You don’t owe me, man. I’m a dick. I shouldn’t have ditched you. You know, at the show and, like, you know.”
“Man, I probably would have done the same thing. All of it. It’s cool.”
“Right on.”
“But the show was sick, right?”
“Yeah, dude. The stage was awesome,” I said while being reminded about Melody and Colin.
“Don’t sound so stoked, bro.”
“I think Colin is fucking Melody right now.” That asshole. I couldn’t hold back my depression over it. “And probably some other chick too.”
“It’s not time to be bummed, bro,” Renaldo said. “It’s time to get fucking revenge.”
11
The next day at roll call, Colin really wanted me to know something because he would never seek me out to have a conversation. I felt like I already knew what it was.
“So, how about that Melody?” he said, nodding.
“What about her?”
“I guess she was down for the Count.”
“Bullshit.”
“Oh, yeah? I don’t think that birthmark of hers is bullshit,” he said. If Colin knew about the birthmark, then he had been there. The place I wanted to call my own.
I pulled Melody aside in the makeup room. She was rubbing some white on her neck, trying to cover a big hickey.
“You fucked Colin?”
“Kinda. So?”
“That’s your response?”
“Who said I owe you one?”
Questions on top of questions were a bad way to start. I tried to turn it around but kept thinking of Colin sinking his teeth into her.
“Seriously?” It was the best I could come up with.
“Tell the Countess I said hi,” she said and walked away.
I kept my walkie on our channel six at work, hoping for anything, a response to a sheepish “hey” or a bad joke. There was nothing but silence. Working as Wolfman that day became primal scream therapy. When a plebe would come through, I used to just go “Grrrr” or “Arrrggh” but now it was a full-on, raging “Ahhhhrrrrrggggaaahhhhgrrrrrrrr!” I was really intense the whole day. The same way some of the old cast members and crazy people were. I buried myself in the role and let the Haunted Forest swallow me up.
Renaldo and I smoked a joint under the pier and talked about how we’d had enough of Colin’s shit. I wanted revenge but I didn’t want to get kicked out of the Castle or get Renaldo banned from the pier. I still needed this place. Its cracks were mine, painted or real.
“We’ve gotta figure out a way to get him back with no way for him to find out who did it,” he suggested, taking a long draw off the joint and passing it to me.
“Yeah, but I don’t know, man.”
“Fuck this ‘I don’t know’ shit. Get pissed, bro!”
“You think I’m not pissed? I’m so pissed, I’m breathing fire,” I said, blowing a huge plume of smoke.
Renaldo’s face brightened.
“Dude, I’ve got it.”
“Yeah?”
“Oh, yeah. We spike his nachos.”
“I don’t get it.”
“With acid.”
“Oh shit. Man . . . how will we know the tab won’t get lost in the cheese?”
“I have a whole sheet of bad acid at home. I tried one tab when I got ’em last year and woke up in jail, wearing those paper clothes they give you when the cops find you naked.”
“What’d you do?”
“Uh, not important. What’s important is that this shit will fuck him up. I’ll put in, like, a few tabs so he’ll be sure to scarf one or two at least.”
“Will it kill him?”
“Nah, he’ll just take the express elevator to hell for a while.”
“How will we know it’s working?”
“Oh, dude, we’ll know. Let’s do it on your next day off so we can go through as plebes and watch him melt.”
Sounded like a great plan to me. Colin always had nachos and Renaldo was usually his go-to nacho bitch. I had never done acid—it seemed too scary, and the idea of bad acid seemed really scary.
I went back to work for the next few days and Colin proceeded to be an asshole as usual. It didn’t faze me like it used to. His comeuppance was around the corner. Every petty thing he did was just another nail in the lysergic coffin Renaldo and I had waiting for him.
“What are you smiling about, Piss Bucket?” he said to me while eating nachos from another break table a few feet away. I wish I had known earlier that a sly grin was the best way to get under his skin.
“Nothing, man.”
“You’ve got nothing to smile about.”
“It’s just a great day out.”
Colin was clearly unsettled by my happiness.
“You’re a fucking weirdo,” he said, getting up from the table and whipping his cape around. He went back inside the Castle.
I called Renaldo up the ramp.
“Dude, he knows,” I said.
“He doesn’t know shit. It’s on tomorrow. Don’t puss out. We’re fucking him back.”
The next day Renaldo brought the sheet of acid and a hole puncher to the pier. We punched out little circles of the bad acid and Renaldo slipped them into his vest pocket.
“Okay, you should go hang at Circuit Circus and play video games until I come get you. Then we’ll get Castle tickets and watch the show.”
“How long does it take to work?”
“About an hour.”
Dracula usually took his break around nine o’clock but Renaldo planted himself by the break tables for hours so he wouldn’t miss it. I went to the arcade to kill time but I couldn’t concentrate on anything. My stomach was in knots. I was too amped up and nervous. I wasn’t really sure we should even be doing this. I’d put a quarter in a game, just stare at it, lose my three lives without a struggle, and put another quarter in. I thought about all the money I was wasting. At the beginning of the summer, I risked my life for this many quarters and now I mindlessly handed them over to the machine. I switched from video games to skee ball but didn’t give a shit about all the tickets coming out at me, so I walked away. Some kid who had been watching me swooped in and grabbed them all and took off running. Good for him. I wandered around the arcade and looked for anything to fill the dragging time. None of the games were distracting enough to keep me from biting my nails. I sat down in a car simulator game and just watched the demo screen without playing. The high scores screen came up and the top three initials read DIK, FUK and VAG. Renaldo was clearly good at this one.
Renaldo finally showed up, wide-eyed and smiling.
“He scarfed the bait,” he said.
The point of no return had been reached. I was excited to watch it unfold but a shred of guilt had crept in, spoiling the seeds of pending victory.
“Are you sure this won’t really fuck him up?”
“Dude, what? That’s the whole idea!”
“Yeah . . .”
“Get pissed, bro!”
“Yeah.”
“It’s gonna be great, there’s no backing out now. All we have to do is sit back and watch the show. He’s never gonna fuck with us again.”
“Wait, wouldn’t that mean he knew it was us?”
“Dude, stop thinking so much. Do you want to see him pay for all the fucked shit or not?”
“I do,” And I did. He was right—Colin had to pay. We weren’t beating him to the brink of death, we would just fuck with his head for a little while. I decided I’d rather be a part of psychological warfare than any other kind and ditched my worries.
We went and bought tickets to Dracula’s meltdown. Renaldo had us wait in front of the Castle as he checked his watch every few minutes.
“Alright, it’s time,” he said and we lined up at the gates to go inside.
The druid working the door spotted me.
“Dono! How scary could this place be when you know what’s behind every corner?” he said.
“I’m here to grab some ass, bro,” I lied. But maybe I’d do that too. First thing’s first though.
“Right on, doing tickets sucks. I never get laid. Slay someone for me.”
“Yeah. Cool, man.”
We shuffled in with a group of about twenty-five people and hung in the back. The thunder and strobe lights started up and Renaldo elbowed me.
“Get ready, dude.”
The tape announced Dracula’s arrival but when he was supposed to pop out of the portrait, nothing happened. We looked at each other and smiled. The crowd started jeering.
The portrait slowly opened with no one behind it. More plebes started heckling for Dracula. Finally, Colin poked his head through it like a timid groundhog. He looked terrified. People started outright booing him.
He crept out of the portrait onto the mantel and just stared at everyone. Kids in front yelled at him.
“Dracula sucks!”
It jarred some reality into him and Colin tried to do his schtick while being completely pie-eyed.
“Who dares . . .” he said, tilting his head quizzically at the crowd. The acid had him in a vice grip. He was under its crippling spell. Renaldo and I couldn’t hold our laughter in. Colin scanned the crowd and locked eyes with me. Then with Renaldo. The acid must have given him a telepathic edge. I could see his psychedelic gears turning as his eyes rolled around like marbles.
“You!” he cried out.
“He knows!” I told Renaldo.
“Who cares? This is great!”
Colin looked like he was going to stage dive off the mantel but fell off instead. The whole crowd erupted in laughter. He staggered to his feet and started ripping his way through the crowd, throwing kids to the side in a wild rage. One of the plebes tripped him and he fell flat on his face, right in front of us. Renaldo was right, this was awesome. Colin tried to prop himself up and started screaming.
“You did this! You’re all going to die!”
The crowd went from amusement to horror as his promise sounded convincing enough. Everyone ran out of the Castle through the entrance as Colin chased us as best he could, staggering through the vertigo and cartoon hell he was battling. The crowd was confused, but they knew this wasn’t part of any act. We bolted down the entrance ramp as Colin swatted at things that didn’t exist and screamed, “I’m going to kill you all!” The people lining up for the Castle had no idea what happened and laughed at him. Colin started throwing punches at kids but couldn’t land any of them.
The fleeing crowd joined the rest of us on the sidewalk. Renaldo and I lost our breath from laughing so hard. We turned around and saw that Colin had picked up a small, long-haired kid by his shirt. He stared into the kid’s eyes as if he was a miniature Satan and began to lift the kid over his head. One of the kid’s fatter friends tackled Colin and sent the long-haired kid crashing down on top of him. Colin was practically foaming at the mouth now and I began to see how bad this acid really was. He was totally unhinged.
Colin got back up and grabbed the fat kid that had knocked him down. All the pier patrons had gathered around and started taking pictures. Some knew there was something clearly wrong and others thought it was a performance to stir up more business. Colin wound up a huge punch, intended for the fat kid, as a camera flash went off. He missed the kid’s face by a mile. By now, everyone knew this was as real as it was bad, and they started yelling for help. Some nearby cops swooped in and took Colin down with an immediate burst of force. This was supposed to be vigilante justice but now it was official.
Renaldo and I stood with our jaws open.
“We fucking did it!” Renaldo said, giving me a high five. My cheeks hurt from laughing so hard but I could also tell we’d gone too far.
The two cops held Colin down on his stomach and pulled his arms back while cuffing him. Writhing around with supernatural strength, Colin bucked one of the officers off, throwing him to the curb. The other cop nightsticked him in the head, and it seemed like Colin didn’t even feel it. Some blood ran down his face and his Dracula makeup looked more horrifying than if it were expertly done. He locked his wild eyes with mine again and I saw what true madness looked like. I stopped laughing.
“I’m going to kill you! You’re going to die!”
The cops didn’t take to that and nightsticked him again, knocking him out.
“Lights out, motherfucker!” Renaldo cheered.
Everyone outside the pier had gathered in a circle around the scene and snapped more photos. They couldn’t believe what they were watching. “That’s the guy from the commercial,” they said.
Another set of cops showed up and threw Colin in the back of their car. Jack ran outside and accosted the police officers.
“What the fuck is going on here?”
“Jack, your boy’s gone insane. He was beating up kids and threatened to kill everyone. He’s on something. Lord knows what.”
Jack was baffled.
“This isn’t something Colin would ever do, something’s wrong,” he told them.
“You got that right,” they said. As they took Colin away, the cops told Jack to shut the Castle down for the night. Jack was crushed and dumbfounded. He spotted me.
“Dono, what the fuck happened?”
“I don’t know,” I said way too innocently. He could tell something was fishy and Renaldo’s snickers weren’t helping. Jack looked us over hard and threw his cigar down on the ground. He told the ticket booth to start giving refunds and stormed off.
“Let’s get the fuck out of here, man,” I said to Renaldo.
“Yeah, bro. Time to celebrate!”
We went to Castle Liquor. I bought a twelve pack and a bottle of Jägermeister. We retreated to the dunes, where Melody and I used to go, and sat on top of the tallest one. Renaldo cracked the Jäger open and took a huge slug.
“Jäger is the best chaser to revenge. That fucker will be lucky if he’s even able to pick a strawberry after that,” he said, passing it to me. Renaldo unburdened himself of all the insults he had taken. The revenge made perfect, justified sense to him.
I was torn. Part of my anger was quenched but it was replaced with a “what did I do?” type of paranoia. I thought I was good at mentally dismantling my enemies. I wouldn’t fight but I could rip them a new one. Even if it was only in front of my bathroom mirror. But now I thought maybe that’s where confrontation belongs.
“What’s wrong, man?” Renaldo said. He seemed pissed he was the only one high on revenge.
“Dude . . . he looked insane. Like, gone.”
“No shit, dude. Who gives a fuck? That guy made you drink his piss, humiliated you at every chance, and fucked Melody. Should we have thrown him a party?”
“No, you’re right,” I gulped the Jäger and cracked a beer. “Yeah, our punishment fit the crime,” I told myself a few times, trying to make it sound right.
“Dude, this should be the greatest night of our lives and you’re fucking sulking. He’s gonna be fine, dude.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, man.”
I wasn’t sure but agreed. Renaldo knew acid better than I did.
“I’m gonna kill yooou guuuuys!” Renaldo said, quoting Dracula. “Dude, that was classic.”
I laughed. The Jäger was making me see the funny side of it. Even if it was the smaller side.
“When he
ate shit off the mantel? Fuck!” I said, easing into my victory and buzz.
“It’s a long way down when you’re that high . . .”
“And fried!” I said, still attempting to loosen up. I was really trying to enjoy the moment but guilt kept gnawing its way from the back of my mind.
“Dude, you should be Dracula now. You’d kick ass. You’d get so much pussy, dude,” Renaldo said, pissing off the dune.
I liked the sound of that and would be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about it before. I leaned back into the sand.
“I vant to suck . . . your tits!” I said, laughing.
“Hahaha, see?”
“Yeah,” I said. Then my thoughts froze. Did I dethrone evil to prop myself up in its place? Was it simple vengeance or a bigger, subconscious plan? Both? I always hoped he wouldn’t show up one day and the cape would be mine.
I got up and brushed the sand off. Too bad my thoughts wouldn’t brush off so easily. I hadn’t considered the burden of guilt in our plan. I didn’t want to answer the questions I was asking myself. The Jäger sloshed in my stomach as I swayed around. Then I got really dizzy. My mouth quickly started to water and I knew what was coming next. I puked a fountain of black all over the sand.
“I gotta go, dude,” I said and staggered home, amused and horrified.
12
Jack held up the “Dunes Times” front page in front of everyone at roll call. It featured a picture of Colin with crazy eyes, swinging on a little kid. The boy looked terrified. The headline read, “A Castle in Ruin.” It went on about how Colin was representative of the whole Castle and how it had become an unwanted scar across the face of Dunes.
“We are fucked,” Jack said, throwing it on the table. “Someone tell me what happened.” He was looking right at me. I stared right back, pretending to wait for an answer with everyone else.
“Dono, you were outside. What happened?”
“He just went nuts. Like he was on something.”
The druid working the door that night backed me up.