by Alyx X
“Just Mother,” I said. “Father has some urgent work to attend to.”
Tess and I crossed the room to my mother, and I pressed a kiss to her cheek. “Goodbye, Mother.”
“Will I see you again soon?” Fear shone from her gaze.
“You’re welcome to visit any time.” But I hadn’t really answered her question, and she knew it because her eyes tensed, a glimmer of pain shining in them. At the moment, I didn’t quite care. I’d had enough of everyone here, and I wanted some alone time with Tessa.
I led Tess from the room, her hand in the crook of my elbow, her body as close to mine as it could be. Dyan followed us, and I only nodded at a couple of people on the way out. Alendra caught my gaze, but I didn’t acknowledge her. Everything in me screamed to take Tessa home and protect her. I had willingly led her to a room full of dragons just waiting to pounce, and I regretted it. Even though one of the things that attracted me to her was her strength and resilience, I knew that in this moment I had failed in my duty to shield her from the worst of my planet. I knew she was capable of handling my father, but it was unfair to expect so much of her so soon. She’d been mistreated from the moment we stepped foot in this house, and I wanted nothing more than to whisk her away.
Except Tessa remained quiet the whole journey home, barely faking a smile at Dyan’s poor attempts to make her laugh. Internally I cursed my father. He was an actual fucking bastard sometimes, bringing misery to everything he touched and even some things he didn’t. I would never let him touch Tessa in this way again.
As we entered the house, I took her hand. “Would you like a quiet drink in our sitting room?” I was desperate to lighten the shadow that had overtaken her face, desperate to make her happy again.
She shook her head. “I think I might just call it a night.”
“Really?”
She drew away but I didn’t release her fingers, trying to maintain our connection. “I think it would be best.” She didn’t look at me as she said it, and my heart clenched at her pain. I had caused this, however indirectly, and I was at a loss for a solution.
Dyan melted into the shadows, and I glanced around. “Tessa,” I pleaded, “please let me try to make amends for that travesty of an evening. We didn’t even eat anything, let me at least get some food in you.”
She hesitated. “Okay.”
I led her to the small sitting room we kept reserved for us only, and rang the bell for Chef to bring in whatever he had lying around as I poured tea for the two of us. She smiled briefly at me as I handed her a glass of kelpine, but it didn’t reach her eyes. As she sipped, she wrapped an arm across her waist like she was shielding herself.
“How are you doing?” I put my hand on her knee as I sat next to her, but something about her seemed unreachable.
It was obvious that the visit to my parents had changed something in her, and I searched my brain for a way to fix it. I had to work hard to squash the irritation I felt at my father. Now wasn’t the time to make this about me.
She sighed and sipped at her drink as we sat in the kind of silence we hadn’t experienced since she’d first arrived. I didn’t press her to speak, just watched her gaze straight forward without responding to my question. Eventually, she checked the time and set her glass on the table. Sensing my opportunity to talk to her was slipping away, I stroked my hand halfway up her thigh.
“Talk to me?” I prodded, almost pleading. “Don’t shut me out.” The desperation that was lodged in my chest surprised me.
She sighed again then met my eyes before casting her gaze down and toying with the soft gray fabric of the sofa. Finally, she said “What if your father’s right? What if your people don’t accept me?” She shrugged. “I mean, why would they? I’m human, just your children’s nanny. I’m not a Queen.”
I sighed. While nothing she had said was untrue, I knew that most of the issues she’d brought up could be resolved over time. Unsure what to say first, at least the last issue was easy. “I’ll make you a queen. My Queen.”
“Your father…”
As she brought him up again, my irritation flared anew. I was surprised at the intensity. “Forget my father. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.” I had cut her off.
“He was The King before you.” She said it like I didn’t know, almost like she was educating me. My anger sparked at that idea, but I wondered if she was struggling with her emotions as much as I was right now.
“You need to ignore him.” It was all I could think of to say, not trusting myself to talk about my father in my current state of agitation. Judging by her small nod, the message didn’t seem to be sinking in.
Changing tack, she asked perhaps the most important question: “What if your people won’t accept me?”
“Tessa.” I took a deep breath, trying to calm my flurry of anger. I wasn’t accustomed to having to repeat myself. I was already angry with my father for challenging my authority this afternoon, and now Tessa was asking silly questions. If I chose to make her my Queen, no one on this planet would argue. No one would dare defy me, or even speak of their malcontent. Apparently only my father was foolish enough to do so. Besides, why was she even worrying? Even if the Hydronians did take issue with a human by my side, when had Tessa ever cared what other people thought of her?
With the sudden realization that Tessa might not be as strong as I had previously assumed, I said “This isn’t you. You’re not weak. You’re the strongest, bravest person I know. Don’t let my father make you something you aren’t.” I had tried to make the words sound sincere, as if I only cared about her, but the words had come out a little commanding. I stood up, pacing away from her, worried I’d do something irrational in my anger. When I turned to look at her, waiting for a response, I found her glaring at me.
“You think because your father said some cruel things to me this afternoon, that I’m suddenly weak?” She spat the words at me like she’d meant them to sting.
Weak was not a word people often associated with her, I assumed. I shrugged again. “Look.” My temper continued to rise, despite my attempts to squash it.
“You aren’t weak, I didn’t mean that. It’s just that I’ve never even seen you bend to me and I’m the King. Much less be this perturbed by an old man with no sway over this kingdom. This isn’t like you, as I said.” I looked at her defiantly, daring her to fight back and prove me right.
She stood, anger blazing in her eyes, and I took a step back. There’s my Tess.
“Where do you get off talking to me like I’m just your fucking nanny again? You don’t get to call me weak, Your Majesty. You don’t get to tell me that I’m overreacting to this whole situation. As much as I hate to admit it, and as much as you seem to not care, I am human, and I am from another world. Your people might reject me, and while you may think it makes me look weak, their opinion matters. Your father’s opinion matters.” She threw her hands up into the air, “God, Izon, can’t you see that this is about more than just you and me? Why am I the only one considering what might be best for the kingdom?!” She whipped back around, throwing daggers with her eyes. The way she’d sneered my title had angered my dragon and I spun around and stalked to the window, giving it time to cool off before it tried to escape.
Staring out the window, suddenly it felt like I wasn’t the only one misdirecting my anger. However, I was still the one in charge of this planet, and I did not like people talking to me in this way. Suddenly fuming, I marched over to her, shoving my face into hers until our noses nearly touched. “Don’t you talk to me about caring for the people of my kingdom. I have ruled over this planet far longer than you’ve even lived here. Don’t you dare tell me I’m not taking them into consideration. My father’s words have affected your judgment, and if you continue speaking to me this way I may have to agree with him that I’ve made the wrong choice in making you Queen. Perhaps you are weak.” My words landed as I’d intended, and Tessa flinched back like I’d slapped her.
I was brea
thing heavily, positively fuming now. How had this conversation turned so wrong? I knew that my anger was still more directed at my father than her, but I couldn’t ignore the fact that she had taken her new role in my life as permission to talk down to me. Nothing about this conversation had gone the way I intended, and I didn’t like how disrespectful she’d become.
“I don’t think you understand,” she said, her voice low and turning deadly.
Before she could continue I spat, “I do understand. You’ve let someone else’s opinion of you change who you are, and I don’t like it.”
She drew her eyebrows together into a scowl. “This isn’t even about me! I’m trying to make the best choice for all of Hydronia, when all you seem to care about is your own warped perception of me! Fuck your father! I don’t give two flying shits about anything that prick has to say, what I care about is the simple fact that he might be right. Stop thinking about your goddamned self for a moment, and consider the idea that mating a human might genuinely create problems for you and the kingdom.” She finished in a huff, staring at me, daring me to contradict her.
Have you ever once considered that just by and questioning me makes me look bad? That it makes me look incapable of controlling my human Queen? And if I’m incapable of doing even that, how the hell will I be capable of controlling a kingdom?”
Her mouth dropped open and I knew I’d already taken it too far, but I pressed on anyway. “I’m King of Hydronia, and while you’re here, that makes me your king too. And as such, you will treat me with respect, and never again question my judgement!” The last word exploded from me, and I turned to find her face strangely blank, as if she’d shut down.
“Just do as you’re told, like a Queen is supposed to when her King makes a demand.” The words barely even belonged to me, but I was too far gone and a low growl of fury rumbled through my chest and echoed around the room.
Tessa lifted her chin and clenched her hands into tight fists. “You know,” she said in that same quiet and deadly voice. “I’ve heard stories, lots of stories about you and Lyra. From the staff and from the children, and they all seemed to agree that you treated her with deference and respect. I wasn’t aware that by agreeing to be your Queen,” she spat the word, “that I would be treated this way. I thought partnerships were supposed to be equal.” She jabbed a finger in my direction and her eyes sparkled with oncoming tears. The corners of her mouth turned down and her next words were strained. “I cannot believe that you treated Lyra in this way, and I do not believe that a King would ever treat his Queen this way. All I ever wanted was to be good enough for this kingdom. To be good enough for you.” Her voice broke on the last word.
I knew I should stop. I knew she was right. That I wasn’t taking my entire kingdom into account when I’d decided Tessa would be my Queen. I had fallen in love, and selfishly decided that anyone who disagreed with my choice was wrong. Tessa was only trying to do what was best, but I couldn’t stop myself. I was too far gone, too angry at my father, the pointless visit to my parents’ estate, and too angry at Tessa. I couldn’t stop the next words that came out of my mouth, and I watched horrified as each one hit her like a ton of bricks.
“You’re not Lyra, and you never will be.”
20
Tessa
You’re not Lyra. For one devastating second, one horrifying minute, one mortifying hour… or it could have been a week or a year, I just stared at him.
You’re not Lyra.
The next moment happened in slow motion. His eyes widened, his lips parted, and he began to reach out like he might take hold of me.
I took a step away and drew my arms into my body. “Don’t touch me,” I whispered as his shape began to blur. I blinked the tears away. I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of seeing them fall. He flinched at my dismissal, clearly uncertain what to do next. My heart hollowed, becoming a fragile shell. I was afraid one more beat might shatter it.
You’re not Lyra.
Those three words whirled around and around in my head. Those three fucking words. Certainly not the three words I’d expected to hear, considering the last month of time spent together.
You’re not Lyra.
You’re not Lyra.
You’re not Lyra.
It became a chant. Izon’s voice chanting over and over again in my head, and I put my hands over my ears, trying to silence it. I needed to escape. Get away from this man, beautiful even in my heartbreak. I couldn’t stand to be near him, and as I backed away I said “I get it. I’m not Lyra.” The words hurt as they left me.
He flinched again, but just stood where I had left him, staring at me like he’d been turned to stone.
“I don’t want to be Lyra. I never wanted to be her.”
He seemed unable to speak, so I continued, suddenly wanting to hurt him as much as he’d just hurt me.
“Clearly I see the role of Hydronia’s Queen a little differently than you do. I see it as a role—maybe the only role on this fucking planet—equal to The King.” I stopped and drew a breath. “I thought that, as Queen, I would share your burdens. It’s very clear to me now that you don’t feel the same way.” I lowered my head, unable to look at him. Not because I was defeated, or weak as he’d so aptly put it, but because I couldn’t bear to look at a man who could hurt someone like this. I had thought he was better than this.
Again, I was aching to leave. So with one final breath I said “I’m moving back to my old room.”
His head jerked up, and he suddenly looked a whole lot less like an imposing dragon and far more like a curious little bird.
“It’s up to you whether you keep me on as the children’s nanny, but I absolutely do not want to be Queen to a King who thinks so little of me.” I finished strong and turned away from him before a tear escaped to run down the side of my nose. I brushed it away with impatience.
It was good I’d found out who he really was now. I could still try to salvage the rest of my sentence on this fucking planet.
He didn’t try to stop me from leaving, even though I hadn’t exactly sprinted away. He did nothing. Didn’t follow me. Didn’t call out my name. I realized I’d been holding one last shred of hope that he did actually care for me, and would do whatever it took to rectify this. A sob escaped me as that hope was also taken from me.
As I climbed the stairs my whole body felt heavy. Each step I took was agony.
I closed the door to my cold little room, and I sagged against it. Finally letting go of all the pressure of holding in my emotions, my body shook with sobs.
Everything was gone. I’d thought I could make a life here, thought that my life would be full of dragon children and a beautiful King to love. Now I didn’t even know if I could stay. My thoughts flickered briefly to my joy a month ago at having somehow escaped the Terran Program. I laughed bitterly. It had been silly of me to think I was special. That I deserved to escape.
Suddenly I realized I had no idea if Izon would even let me stay and look after his children, so I might lose them, too.
My tears fell faster as I considered the moments that had led up to the destruction of my perfect little world. Meeting Izon’s parents, meeting the woman his father wanted as The Queen, arguing with Izon. It all blurred together until my head thumped to the beat of a rapidly developing headache.
My servitude here should have been the dream. It was a jackpot life. But I’d overstretched, wanting more. My sobs turned to a giggle and choked free, hysteria bubbling up from nowhere. Possibly no one had overstretched quite so much in the entire history of Hydronia. Izon’s father was right—going from the royal nanny to The Queen with no steps in between really was quite the promotion.
I lay on my old narrow bed and rearranged my pillow into a comfortable lump under my head. I had no clothing in this room now, and I couldn’t exactly head to Izon’s rooms to collect some. Not after my grand exit.
Mom had always talked about not burning bridges—she definitely wouldn’t approve of how I�
��d handled myself tonight. At the unexpected thought of my mother, my chest ached again, and fresh tears slid silently down my cheeks. My whole body folded in on itself and I fought to keep my sobs inside. I was closer to the children’s rooms again, and Izon had told me how sharp their hearing was compared to mine. I didn’t need to worry them or make them curious.
I wasn’t sure how Izon wanted to handle anything or even what he’d tell them. Shit. Everyone would know. They’d all see me back here, and they’d all make some kind of judgement. I sighed. Izon would disapprove of me caring what anyone else thought of me. The prick.
I wanted my mom. For the first time in a long time, I wanted her arms around me, I wanted to breathe in her scent. I needed to feel like I was at home and I belonged somewhere. Not alone on an alien planet surrounded by no one and nothing.
I almost laughed again as I remembered how I’d even started pondering the idea that maybe I could bring Mom out from Earth to live here with us. Only now I didn’t want her here, in the broken life I was lying in the debris of. I just wanted to go home, but I couldn’t, and my future was very uncertain. I didn’t even know how Izon would handle my contract. If he’d keep me on, living in a constant state of pain and embarrassment, or if he’d hand me back to the Terran Program for someone else to buy.
Everything hurt so much.
I rolled over and drew my knees up to my chest, allowing my swollen eyes to fall closed. I was too tired to try to keep them open.
I awoke to the sound of a gentle knock followed by the door opening. Dyan hustled inside, a cardboard box in his hands. A green sleeve dangled out of the top, draping down the side, and my chest clenched. My things. Izon was sending my things back to my room. Gabby followed Dyan in, a box clutched in her hands, too.
She sent me a glance full of sympathy. “We have a couple more boxes to bring,” she said quietly, “but then I’ll stay and help you get the room straight.”
I waved her words away and spoke, but my throat was sore. “I don’t need any help. I can do it,” I croaked.