"If you leave this room, Anna, don't bother to come back. I've had it. You push and prod me, trying to make me take all the decisions. You have no respect for either of us, what we could have, unless you can ignore everything and make me push you in all the wrong ways. Oh I could go the whole punishment route and call you out on your full on insubordination. But I won't. Not now, not ever. That's not me, and you know it. We were supposed to try things together, learn what our relationship is, and work out our dynamics. What the fuck went wrong? I thought it was working. You were eager and oh so responsive. You lapped up everything we did; you embraced our relationship. Or so I thought. What triggered these?"
He stopped talking. Once more tears were streaming down Anna's face, but in silence this time. She wasn't even whimpering, just crying as her body shook.
"Ah shit, love. I'm sorry."
Cade went to cuddle Anna, but she took yet another step away from him and shook her head.
"I'm hurting you, Cade. You and your business. It has to stop. I have to sort myself out." She scrubbed her hand over her eyes like a child.
"How?" He wanted to rub her worry out, brush all her fears away and make everything right. He couldn't.
"By facing my fears. When I decide what they really are. I need to think hard. I'm going down to the pool." She leaned toward him and trailed her fingers over his cheek. "You, Mr. McCourt, are an honorable man. I love you so much, and I so want to be what you need. I'm going to swim, nothing else. It clears my head. I'm not suicidal, not going all dramatic, but I have to get my head around this mythical thing that keeps hitting me."
The look on her face pushed a searing dagger of pain into his heart. She looked lost and alone, and Cade knew a real fear that his maybe happy ever after wasn't going to happen. He nodded.
"Anna, I love you."
She smiled. It wasn't a happy look, and it didn't reach her eyes. "Yeah, I know. I love you too. And therein lies the problem." She squeezed his shoulder and walked away.
Why do I think she's walking out of my life again?
****
With Dickens sitting in alert mode as close to the pool as he could without falling in, Anna pushed herself through the water as if all the demons in the world were chasing her. Which she decided, as she turned and began another lap, was about right. If only she knew what they were. She reached the end of the pool and executed a perfect racing turn. Swimming had always been therapeutic, along with being a hobby.
Well come on, that's not strictly true. I do know, I don't want to admit it, and that's why I'm getting these shitty not-quite-able-to-format-stuff nightmares. Anna changed from a fast and furious crawl to a more leisurely breaststroke while she thought about what was going on in her mind and her life. Caden was dying inside, of that she had no doubt. Each day it seemed to her that he only went through the motions. He talked, worked, and yes, made love. It was mechanical, a man on automatic. His smile didn't reach his eyes. Oh he was kind and courteous, and on the outside a loving, caring partner. But since her first nightmare, when she'd woken up as a screaming, trembling mess, he'd been more vanilla than the proverbial pod. Anna had no idea how to reach him. She rolled over onto her back to float and let the water hold her and move her slowly down the pool. Out here in the country there was little light pollution and the sky was moonlit, with the stars showing in their clusters. Lazily, Anna picked out the constellations as her mind puzzled over her problems.
Screw it; I need to sort this bloody crap out now. High above, a lone star flared brightly and fizzled out. Anna laughed to herself. Talk about signs. All of a sudden she knew what she was going to do. Her mind made up she did a somersault under water and swished her arms and legs about. It wouldn't be easy, but she'd been living a half-life too long and too often. She might end up like that star, burned up and finished. On the other hand… With a splutter she surfaced and pushed her hair out of her eyes. It'd fallen out of the messy bun she'd scrunched in into before diving in. A movement in the darkness made her tread water to try to see what had caught her eyes.
Dickens whined, stood up, and wagged his tail.
"It's me. I don't like the idea of you swimming in the dark by yourself." Cade moved into the gleam of the lights dotted around the pool. Anna watched as he ruffled Dickens’s hair. The dog leaned against him, and Anna admired the picture they made in the pale light. At this time of the year the roof was never pulled over, and Anna enjoyed the soft moonlight and gentle night scents that surrounded her. She splashed around with her arms as she trod water and watched the silver drops fall on the tiled surround. Dickens woofed and tried to chase them as they landed. Soon his games would be over for the year. The roof would go over, the temperature of the water would be turned higher, and the magic would be lost. Somehow it wasn't as good to commune with the moonlight then.
"I'm fine. I love this time of night, especially now," she said quietly. "So warm and friendly. The darkness is my friend."
Cade laughed and hunkered down by the edge of the pool. His shoes were off and he'd opened the top few buttons of his shirt. Anna drank in the sight of his body like someone with a daylong thirst. His torso was covered with a sprinkling of dark hairs, which arrowed downward. His signpost to satisfaction, Anna called it.
"So, the darkness is all right, and I'm not? I'm gutted." He seemed to have recovered his humor.
"Oh, you're my friend. More than." Anna swam to the edge of the pool and rested her arms on the rim. "Join me?" She looked up at him. Dickens had given up on the water droplets and was stretched out a few feet away, ignoring them.
He shook his head. "We both know what'll happen if I do." He rolled his trousers up to his knees, sat down and dangled his feet in the water. "I'll just hang round until you're finished. I can't help it, love. I need to know you're safe."
Anna studied his face. She could see the tension lines on his forehead and around his eyes. He'd aged ten years in three months. It worried her.
She made her mind up. "I know we do." Anna put her hand on his ankle and tugged. "And yes, I know you do, and it's appreciated." She knew his love for her was always there, even when she was being a pain. She grabbed the other ankle and lowered herself backwards under the water.
****
Cade grinned and let himself fall into the water next to her with a splash. Somehow, he managed to snag her bikini bottoms and untie them as he went down. They drifted away. There wasn't a top to bother with.
She giggled and tried to wrestle his sodden trousers off. It was so like the Anna of old, Caden could have punched the air with joy. The sound was music to his ears. Trite but true. I wish it were always like this. He sucked in his breath, and Anna lowered his zipper and drew the two sides of the material apart. His ever-eager cock poked out of the gap, and she rubbed the length before turning her attention back to the linen covering the rest of his lower body. He felt the familiar and well-loved tightening of his body and the flare of heat that spread through him as his prick responded as per usual and waved to get attention.
"Impatient, are we?" Anna flicked his nipple with her fingernail.
As the material moved ever lower, Cade let her maneuver him through the water to where shallow stone steps fanned out into the pool. He sat on the third step so his dick just showed above the waterline. She bent her head and took the tip into her mouth. The warmth enclosed him. As he gripped the edge of the steps in an effort not to grab her head and let his cock move further inside, Anna smiled up at him with the look of a houri. All knowing. Without loosening her hold on the head of his prick, she pulled his trousers off and threw them toward the edge of the pool. They caught on the rim and sank slowly under the water. Cade watched them in detachment. Something else for the gardener to sort out tomorrow, tonight he was up—literally—for anything Anna wanted.
His cock was loved as Anna alternated between sucking the head and laving the hard length. Cade groaned. "So, good, oh so fucking good. At this rate I'm going to come here and fill the pool."
>
Her lips tightened, and then she lifted her head off him. Cade experienced an unexpected sense of loss. Tiny pulses of pain hit him, and he went to touch her. She swam backwards and waggled her finger at him.
"Ah-ah, no … this is my time." She stood up, and her expression changed from playful and teasing to uncertain. "Um, if you don't mind. No Sir or anything?"
Mind? Cade thought he'd mind if she didn't show him what she wanted to do.
"No Sir, just Caden and Anna," he reassured her. "I'll follow your lead. You're in charge." For what seemed like minutes Anna just stared at him as if he'd uttered a particularly nasty epithet. Was it so unusual? Shit, yeah it is. He couldn't remember the last time he stood—or lay—back and just enjoyed. Then she gave a short decisive nod as if she'd decided up something important, and swam the few yards toward him. Cade hoped it was to continue with whatever she had in mind.
"Do I need a safe word?" he asked, half joking. Anna jerked back as if she'd been stung. Oh fuck. He pulled her back and held her close so his chest touched her breasts. Her nipples were hard little nubs as they rubbed his skin. So she's not unaffected then. "Anna, love. It’s a joke. Okay, not a good one, I admit, but a joke nonetheless. You need to lighten up. My lovely, vibrant, kick-ass Anna's disappeared. We need her back. Come on, love, show me she's still here."
Even under the water he could see her hands clench into fists. Well, at least it was a reaction.
"Fuck you, Caden." He didn't have time for a smart comeback. She dove at him, her mouth latched onto his, and her tongue slipped inside his lips to mesh and tangle with his own. Her hands were tight around his cock as she pumped him. Cade felt his control fast leaving him. He arched his body forward, but Anna would have nothing of it. She moved one hand from his cock to his chest and pushed him hard.
"My turn, my rules," she panted. With a swift move that any synchronized swimmer would be proud of, Anna lifted herself, and Cade experienced the sweet pleasure of her impaling herself on him. "Now, Cade, fill me, come for me. Nowww." The last word ended on a scream as she convulsed around him, her body shaking.
It was enough for Cade. He shuddered as pleasure and heat sped through him, and he came with an exultant shout. By the time the roaring in his ears had stopped, and his heartbeat was back to normal—or as normal as it ever was with Anna near him— Anna was almost asleep in his arms. She was snuggled in and holding on to him tightly as if to be sure he didn't let go of her. Cade smiled to himself as he stood up and carried her toward the house. If he had his way he'd never let her go again.
Anna muttered something incoherent as he began to climb the stairs. "Shh, love, I have you. It's too cold to sleep outside. I'm taking us to bed."
She opened one eye and blinked at him. "Cade?"
"Hmm hmm?" He bumped the bedroom door open. "That's me, love."
She stroked his cheek in the way that was particularly Anna. A soft, featherlike touch from his eyebrow to his lip that filled him with warmth and contentment. Her fingers lingered on his mouth for a split second.
"Cade, I do love you. So very much."
Cade kissed the top of her head. "I know, love, and I do you." He kicked back the covers on their overlarge bed and crawled onto the mattress without letting Anna go. She rolled into him and leaned her head on his chest.
"Nice," she murmured and put her arm tight around his waist.
He knew the moment he woke up she'd gone.
Chapter Twelve
Anna listened to Cade's even breathing and slid off the bed. Somewhere in the kitchen, where she'd left them when she'd emptied the tumble drier, were clean jeans and a t-shirt. They may not be ironed, but they'd do. As silently as possible she left the room and made her way down the stairs. Her hand lingered on the smooth, curved wooden bannister. She'd always loved the house, even if she'd hated what was in it. Cade had let her have full rein in redecoration and refurnishing when she'd returned and watched with pride as she created a home. Now she was leaving. The word again hovered in her mind.
Not once had Cade bemoaned that there was no playroom now and never had he decried her lack of enthusiasm in certain aspects of his lifestyle.
But Anna had known. She'd seen his inner light dim. She'd tried and to a certain extent succeeded. Until… She blocked her thoughts. No more, not yet, and maybe never. That was one thing she daren't think about. Even if she did sort herself out, it might be too late.
She didn't turn the light on until she shut the kitchen door behind her. Dickens stretched and got out of his basket in front of the Aga. Anna groaned. She'd have to take him with her, and an Old English Sheepdog—even a puppy—in a sports car wasn’t easy. Nevertheless she'd manage. His carrying cage just fit. She stroked him and looked about her. Neatly folded on the work surface was the pile of washing she'd dried earlier. It was unusual for Anna not to take the freshly washed and ironed clothes and put them away. A Freudian slip maybe? She picked up a plain blue t-shirt and a pair of jeans. No undies, Cade preferred her without them, and it seemed she'd not had any in that basket of washing. On the floor by the door to the garden were her gardening clogs, and Anna thrust her feet into them. Thanking all the gods available that she'd left her handbag on the work surface, Anna grabbed Dickens's lead and snapped it on to his collar, before she left the house with him walking sedately behind her. Without a noise they walked across the lawn to her car. Caden slept at the rear of the house, and she hoped he wouldn't hear the engine. Once she was away from the house she'd text him. It wasn't an exercise in worry or piss Caden off; it was one in sort Anna out, she mused, as she drove out of the driveway and along the lane. If at the end of it Caden didn't want her back, she'd have to pull on her big girl panties and deal with it. Anna acknowledged she might have a fair way to go to get to that point.
After a quick stop to withdraw some cash from the bank machine, Anna drove, her mind darting from one thing to another. She had her own bank account and money, and for that she was thankful. If she was sorting herself out, then Cade shouldn't be involved.
A few minutes later she came to a T-junction. Which way? Resolutely, Anna turned away from Scotland and her friends. When Cade discovered she'd gone, she didn't want any of her friends to have to lie on her behalf. Several miles on she drove into a layby next to a lake and picked up her phone. At any other time the sight of the sun as it rose over the water and gilded it with soft hues of blue and green would have her reaching for her camera. Now she just glanced at it absently and wiped her damp hands over her thighs. Her throat was tight, and she took a gulp of water from the bottle stashed in the car door pocket.
Dammit and this is just to send a text. Get a grip. Before she had time to think too much, Anna typed in a brief message. 'I love you, and I'm going to sort myself. I'll keep in touch by email once a week. Please, if you love me, let me do this my way.' She pressed send, switched the phone off, and put it back into her handbag. She needed to drive, not keep one ear open for a text or voicemail.
****
Several hours later she pulled into a parking space outside a tiny house and grinned. Her one call from the pay phone at the service station where she'd filled up with petrol had been positive, and she was now the tenant of a smart three-bedroom cottage overlooking an estuary in a pretty village. She couldn't be much farther from her house in Scotland without leaving Britain. Why she'd remembered seeing the email from a friend about this she had no idea, but she blessed the fact she had. She hadn't even had to involve anyone other than the letting agent.
Anna got out of the car and stretched as she looked at her new home. It was nothing remarkable, but it was a neat and tidy building with a lane between it and its garden. To her delight, the garden backed onto the riverbank. Anna let Dickens out and grabbed her handbag, eager to explore her new abode. She wasn't disappointed. A quick look around discovered two of the bedrooms downstairs and the lounge upstairs overlooking the estuary. The kitchen had the same glorious view.
With a sigh Anna took out he
r phone. She knew she couldn't put off the moment any longer. If she'd won the jackpot on the slots there couldn't have been more noise. Voicemails, emails and thirteen—thirteen—texts. Not all from Caden. It seemed he'd contacted every one of her friends he knew and then some.
She tackled the voicemails first. Half an hour later, Anna felt like she'd run a marathon. The worry in Caden's voice almost had her turning around and going straight back to him. Only the thought that it wouldn't resolve anything kept her where she was. She'd negotiated by text with Caden over a contact email. He'd demanded once a day. Anna had eventually said twice a week or he could have none. She could almost hear his frustration in his text. Satisfied she'd done what she could, Anna put Dickens in his makeshift kennel, a large and roomy shed, and went shopping in the small town across the river.
Basic undies and some t-shirts along with a couple of pairs of trousers and a jumper were easily purchased, along with a set of bedding and some towels. She didn’t want anything fancy. Her food shopping was completed in record time, and a couple of hours later Anna sat in her garden with Dickens at her feet gnawing on a bone. She ate a salad sandwich and sipped coffee as she watched the sailing dinghies tacking across the water. She picked up the notepad and pencil she'd taken out of the car and chewed the end of the pencil. The long drive had helped her sort out her thoughts, and she had a very definite list of what she needed to do and how. That didn't include adding a few more clothes to her wardrobe and buying another set of sheets and towels.
When “Bitter Sweet Symphony” by The Verve played on her phone, she jumped and dropped the pencil onto the river wall. It rolled over the edge and into the water with a plop and a series of ripples.
Her tummy churned as she picked the phone up and looked at it as if it was going to bite. Why hadn't she turned it off again? Because I need to know he's okay. Because I want to know if he contacts me. And hope he does. Because I love him.
Master Page 10