by Joz Maxel
What the ever-loving fuck!
"He was here? In this house?"
"Only for a few minutes, but I didn't let him in. I thought he was in jail?" He's looking down at his hands resting in his lap. I move the blanket bunched up at his knees and take up root beside him. Grabbing his hand, I hold it tight.
"He was released a few days ago." I turn my head to study the profile of my son, who is not so much a boy anymore. I can dumb down this conversation for him and give the bare necessities, but that would just be an asshole move on my part. He knows about how Dane, Corey, and I grew up together, and the Cliffs notes version of what happened that night.
He squeezes my hand and offers me a smile. "You always told me how much I look like him." My eyes instantly well up. "It's okay, Mom." Putting his arm around me, he says, "Please, don't cry."
"Jesus, Rourke, this is so fucked up," I manage to say, before I hear the rumble of Corey's Softail Slim S Harley in our driveway. I grab a tissue from the coffee table and try to compose myself before my husband feels my wrath.
"You're telling me." He looks out the window, then back at me. " Are you gonna say anything to Corey?"
I give him a wink and a little smile, just as Corey walks through the front door. He takes a few steps toward the stairs when he notices us sitting on the couch. He fidgets with the keys in his hands and slowly walks into the living room.
"Hey." He comes around the couch to stand in front of us. "What's going on?"
I bring my knees up and wrap my arms around my legs. "Not much. Where've you been? I missed you this morning."
"Yeah?" He sits down on the right side of me and rests his hand on top of my knee. "I couldn't sleep, so I went for a run."
I tip my head away from him and raise my eyebrows. "Yeah? On your Harley?"
He first looks to Rourke, sitting on the other side of the couch, then back at me. He takes his hand off my knee and extends his arm to rest on the couch. "I drove to the park for a change of scenery."
"Your running shoes are still upstairs. What else you got?" I glance down at his hand and notice his knuckles are red and swollen. "What happened to your hand, Corey?"
He looks down, stretching out his fingers a few times. "Rourke, you wanna give your mom and me a minute?"
Rourke stands. "Yeah, I'll go start the coffee." He leaves the room, leaving us sitting side by side, staring at each other.
"Where were you?" I know my husband well enough to know when he's reaching for an excuse. I stare at his lips, waiting for the sign. Corey grazes his top teeth over his bottom lip. And there's my sign.
"I told you, to the park." He changes his focus from my eyes to his hand playing with my hair. "I left my shoes behind, so I went for a walk instead."
"How about," I stand up and turn to face him, "I wait for you to stop with the bullshit excuses upstairs, give you some time to get your story together." I try to walk in front of him, but he grabs my arm and stands in front of me, blocking my escape.
"Rourke told you."
I cross my arms and look up at him. "Tell me what? Something you should have shared with me? Why didn't you say something last night, Corey? I thought we were going to handle this together?"
"I don't know, okay! It's one thing to talk about it, another when he actually shows up at my doorstep when we're not home."
"So what? You went to go see him?" Corey looks to the side, then back to me. I narrow my eyes as he grazes his teeth over his lip again. I ask him again in a louder tone. "You saw him?"
"Yes! I went to see him. We had words and that's it."
"Is that why your hand is swollen?" I point to his right hand that's grown in size since I first noticed it.
He looks up to the ceiling, weighing his words before he speaks again. "It was a knee jerk reaction. I wasn't planning on hitting him, it just happened." He looks back down at me, putting his hands on his hips. "He wants a shot at being father of the year to Rourke."
Letting out an exasperated breath, I try to rein in my anger so this situation doesn't escalate. "I'm sure he didn't—"
"Jesus, Nova. The guy came to our house uninvited, took one look at Rourke and is determined to pick up his fatherly role in the kid's life. Why the fuck would I stand back and let that happen?" Folding his arms across his chest, I see his muscles straining.
I mirror his stance by crossing my arms and leaning forward, wanting to change the subject. "Honey, we haven't even talked to Rourke about this. He may not want anything to do with Dane. Us fighting about it isn't helping the situation. And even if Rourke does want to meet Dane, you said you'd be okay with it."
"Well, now, I'm fucking not!"
"Daddy, why are you yelling?" I turn toward Lola and Leni standing by the stairs, looking at us with worried faces.
He looks down to the floor to gain some control. I walk over to the girls and hug them together, giving each a kiss on the head. "Daddy and I are just talking, sweetie. There's no need to worry."
Lola turns her form to her dad and smiles." Do you need to go back to bed, Daddy?"
He softens at the sound of his little girl calling him out on his attitude, just like we do to her when she's cranky.
"No, baby, I don't. I'm gonna go for a ride. I need to clear my head." He passes us on the way to the front door, without so much as a glance. "Rourke! Get your shit, we're going for a ride."
"I think we need to talk about this, Corey." I stand in front of him and try to see any resemblance to the husband I had with me yesterday, but he's been replaced with the moody, and too far in his thoughts to be reasoned with Corey.
On his way up the stairs, Rourke yells, "I'll be right out!"
"I'll wait outside." He slams the door as he leaves.
Leni stands beside me and slides her hand into mine. "Is Dad gonna be okay?" I will the tears not to fall before I turn my focus to Leni, and give her a small smile. "He'll be okay. He just needs some time to think. How about us girls go out for breakfast?"
"Yay!" both the girls say in unison, and run up stairs to get ready. I look out the living room window and see Corey straddling his bike, looking down at his riding gloves. Rourke comes running down the stairs, kisses my cheek, and he's out the door. I watch the two look over Rourke's bike, get their gear on and back out of the driveway. A lone tear makes its path down my cheek when the men I love most in the world drive off down the block.
"Mom! You gotta get ready too you know!" Leni yells at me from the top of the stairs.
"Yeah, baby, I'm coming." I lock the front door and go upstairs to get ready with my girls.
Corey
About an hour north, there's a little diner in the middle of nowhere that Rourke and I have been going to since he got his license. Truth be told, I found this little gem when Nova was still healing. To give her space, I strapped Rourke to me, and we would get breakfast and talk. Well, I would talk, he would just babble and stare at me.
It's unseasonably warm for this time of year. We've shredded every layer we put on to just our T-shirts, pants, and shoes. We're sitting on a picnic table located beside the parking lot, eating breakfast burritos and soaking up the morning sun.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see he keeps glancing my way, like he has something he wants to say. I'm about to put him out of his misery and ask him what's up, but he beats me to the punch.
"Hey, Corey, when are you gonna tattoo me? I already know what I want."
"You don't want me married to your mom anymore, do you?" Nova would flip her shit. I'm okay with it, but her, not so much. Something about she wants more for him, blah, blah, blah. We both have more ink than most, so her argument fell on deaf ears.
He laughs with a mouthful of burrito. "I don't see what the big deal is. Other than your face, is there any skin left untouched?" He's looking me up and down, like he's studying me. I give him a side glance and wink.
"Never mind, I don't need to know." I give him a friendly elbow in the ribs.
After finishing off hi
s burrito, he shifts his body so he's facing me. "Can I ask you something?"
I take a few bites of my burrito and grab my drink before I turn toward him. "You can ask me anything, you know that."
He rubs his hands together and looks out to the open field in front of us. "Why have you never pushed me to call you Dad?"
I use the napkin to wipe off my hands and miss the trash can when I throw it.
"I guess because you have a dad, and I never wanted to replace him."
"I don't know Dane as my dad."
"Do you want to know him?" I extend my arms over my knees and rub my hands together. After the last few hours, I'm not sure having this conversation is a good idea, but it was bound to come about.
He shrugs his shoulders and turns his focus to me. "I know what he did to Mom. It was weird seeing him in person. I look just like him." He kicks his legs out in front of him to stretch before placing his elbows on his knees. " Do you think he wants to know me?"
"I know he does. He was so excited when your mom told him she was pregnant with you. That guy bailed on me all the time when you arrived, saying he was hanging with his boy." I smile at the memory of how proud he was to be a dad. "Somewhere along the way he got lost, messed up with drugs and the wrong people. If he was in his right mind, I have no doubt he would have been a big part of your life right now."
"What about you and Mom? Do you think you would be together if Dane never did what he did?"
"I've been in love with your mom since I was five years old. Dane was always convinced he would win over your mom. He was my best friend. I would have burned the world down for him, so when he went for it, I stepped back. I never stopped loving her, and I think your mom always knew she loved me. Dane was just very convincing they were meant to be together."
"I think I'm okay if Dane wants to know me, but not at the expense of your marriage."
"Rour, what happened this morning was all on me. I didn't expect my reaction to Dane to be so strong, and taking it out on your mom was a shit thing to do. If you want to know Dane, then I won't stand in your way. I'll do my best to be civil, I promise you that." I hold out my fist and he fist bumps me.
I get off the table to go pick up the napkin to throw in the garbage. I turn around to grab the rest of the garbage off the table when Rourke gets the final word in. "No matter what happens, you will always be my dad."
I look like a mean mother fucker. At six four, two hundred and twenty-five pounds, tatted from neck to toes, and a muscular build, not much gets to me. Well, besides the last few hours. But this sixteen-year-old just brought tears to my eyes, and I'm man enough to admit this is one of the proudest moments in my life. I always treated him as my son, loved him as my son, but hearing him say it out loud is just...fucking awesome.
Corey
Nova's avoided me for four days now, since our blow out. I've tried to talk to her, but she says she's got stuff to do with the kids, or has to work. Normally, I would push her to talk to me, but I'm still high from my Saturday morning with Rourke. After our breakfast stop, we went shopping at the Harley Davidson store, then he actually joined me on a run.
I'm standing at the front counter, going over some paper-work with Matt, when the bell above the door chimes. Matt looks up first to greet our guest. "Hey, man. How's it going?"
"All depends on this guy." He gestures to me and smiles.
"He's a gentle giant. Don't let the tats intimidate you." Matt slaps my shoulder and chuckles. "You got an appointment? Or you wanna set something up?"
Gathering the papers into a pile, I look at Dane and see his left eye is a beautiful shade of dark purple and green. "He doesn't have an appointment."
"All right. A friend, I see. Name's Matt, shop bitch." Matt holds his hand out to shake.
Dane comes forward. "Dane."
"Matt, we'll be out back if you need anything."
"Yeah, sure. Take it easy, man." He gives Dane an upwards chin nod as we head toward the back patio.
It's a little overcast, but still warm enough to have this conversation outside. Dane stands by the door, leaning against the wall, and I lean opposite him against the deck railing. He pulls out his pack of cigarettes and shakes out two before putting the pack back in his pocket. He tips one my way in offer, but I shake my head.
"Who knew the mighty Corey would ever stop smoking?" He lights the smoke with his Zippo lighter and puts it back in his front pocket. "When did you quit?" I watch him take that first hit of nicotine, hypnotized, until he blows out the smoke.
"When I became a father to Rourke."
He nods and takes another drag. "Why'd you call, Cor? You made it pretty clear you didn't want me around." I couldn't stomach Nova avoiding me anymore, so this is my feeble attempt at making things right again between us.
"What happened that night?"
He looks at everything but me and takes another drag. "My world was crashing down around me. Couldn't cope, I guess."
"That's shit, Dane. Even you know it."
"You really wanna do this here, at your work? Won't you get in trouble starting alley fights?"
I cross my arms and smirk. "I own this, all of it. Today's my catching up on paperwork day, so lucky for me, we don't have to worry about fuck all. Answer my fucking question, Dane."
Dane flicks his unfinished cigarette by my Harley and sits in one of the chairs by the makeshift fire pit. He leans his elbows on his knees and keeps his eyes on the ground when he starts his explanation. "Your parents' death really messed me up. When you left to deal with their estate, Nova was beside herself. She wouldn't let me touch her, much less comfort her."
I walk over to stand in front of Dane, trying to keep my shit together. But blaming my parents' death is a low blow, even for him. "You're blaming their deaths for your fucking bullshit?"
He turns his head to the side to look up at me. "Corey, you asked me here to find out what happened. You wanna let me finish before you give me the beating I rightly deserve?" I pull the remaining chair in front of him and take a seat. "Fine, go on."
Leaning back in his chair, he rubs his mouth before he tells me his version of events. "In our drug induced samplings, Crash would feed me lines about how Nova always wanted you, and how could I keep putting up with that shit. That night, I came home after hanging out with Crash. Nova was sitting on the couch in the dark. I thought something had happened to Rourke, so I started panicking and asking where he was. The more I asked, the more I yelled, and the more she cried. She was finally able to tell me Rourke was at Angela's. Then she told me she talked to you and you told her you didn't know if you were coming back."
"Shit."
The memory of what sparked that conversation comes flooding back to me. It was so hard to see Nova every day and not tell her how I felt. I thought if I kept myself busy, I wouldn't have time to think of her, of us together. After my parents' funeral, we had a wake at the clubhouse. It was dark already, and everyone was scattered around, drinking and fucking. Nova found me sitting alone by the fire pit out back.
"Hey, you. This seat taken?" She takes the seat next to me on the bench. I just stare into the fire, not saying anything. "Thought you could use some Jim Bean by now." She holds out the tumbler of amber liquid in front of my face. Without thought, I grab the glass, drink its entire contents and hand the glass back to her. "Looks like I was right." She offers me a subtle curve of her lips that I catch out of the corner of my eye. I'm too numb to care about how she affects me.
"What are you doing out here, Nova? Don't you have a husband to fuck or something?" Jesus, I'm an asshole.
"I know this is hard for you, Corey, but taking it out on me isn't gonna make things better." She stands up to leave when I grab her arm. Her features are highlighted from the fire, and all I can think of is how god damn beautiful she is, and I can't fucking have her.
"Please, don't go," I plead as I stand up too fast and almost lose my balance. "I'm sorry."
Nova places her hand on the side of
my face and caresses my unshaven cheek. I close my eyes to savour the moment. "What's going on in that head of yours, Corey?"
I open my eyes and stare into her watery ones. "Nova, you need to stop." I place my hand over hers, still resting on my cheek. "My head isn't in a good place right now."
She moves herself to stand toe-to-toe in front of me. "Maybe I don't want to." She looks from my eyes to my mouth, biting down on her bottom lip. "Corey..." is all she gets out before I take her face in both my hands and bring my lips to hers.
It's a sweet touch between two people that know every scar, every smile, every dream of the other, but it quickly turns to something more...something we're not prepared for. Nova moves her hand from my cheek to just over my heart, and I'm done for. I pull her closer to me and kiss her with all that I have. If this is the only moment I have with her like this, then it will be one that neither of us will forget.
But it ends as fast as it started when Nova pushes me away, touching her lips with her fingers. Before anything can be said, I hear Dane coming around the building, calling out her name.
It was a few weeks after that kiss, sitting in my parents' empty house that I made the call to Nova. She accepted I needed time to get my shit together, but she wouldn't agree that being apart was necessary. That was when I knew things were changing for the both of us, and I didn't know how to handle it. The next day, Randall called to tell me Nova was in the hospital.
"She told me about the kiss, how she felt about you...everything. She was tired of hiding it from me and I lost it." He lights up another cigarette and takes a long pull. "What I did, Corey, was fueled by drugs and head games. I always knew she belonged to you and I made a play for her anyways. After I realized what I did, I went to Carter's Motel and took a shit-load of pills. I couldn't live with myself anymore. I don't know how, but when I woke up, I was in the hospital, handcuffed to the bed with police guarding me. That's when they told me I was being charged with the attempted murder of my wife. Nothing I can do or say can change what I did to her, I know that."