by Xander Hades
He’s not happy I’m here.
“Get that at the shop?” he asks, nodding to my busted up face.
“Yeah.”
“Someone trying to take your job?” he asks.
“Yeah.”
“Hard to avoid,” he says. “You get a bunch of guys who want to work on the same engine... What do you want me to do about it?”
“You know me, Rev,” I tell him. “I’ve always worked hard for the shop, and I’m a loyal employee. They’re going to force me out, though. They’re going to do it and make sure I can never find another job unless you do something.”
He smiles. “Sounds like you need to find out what broke,” he tells me. “Until that happens, you’re going to have guys gunning for your job, saying whatever they have to say to push you out and make sure nobody stands up to help you. What do you think my life’s been like?” He stands, but before he leaves, he says, “Really, I wish I could help, but until you find out what broke and who broke it, nobody can help you. And without the guys on your side, there’s nothing I can do for you.”
That’s it. He walks away.
So I’m on my own. I don’t know what I expected him to do. Like he said, he can’t control what people do when he’s on the inside, but if someone takes me out, that means he’s out, too. I’m there because it was Rev’s decision to put me there. They kill me, it’s a mutiny, and I’m just the placeholder. If I’m dead, it won’t be long until Rev’s dead, too.
Both of us on the line, and he’s telling me it’s my job to fix it.
I shouldn’t have come here; and I’m only more convinced of that fact when I see Julie standing next to my bike in the parking lot of the jail. This has to stop, and it has to stop right now.
“I was worried,” she says. “I know I shouldn’t be following you, and it’s probably pretty weird that I did, but with what happened… I don’t know what’s going on, and I don’t know if it’s over. When I saw you pull in here, I didn’t know if I should go, or if I should just wait for you. Here I am.”
“You shouldn’t be here,” I tell her. “You shouldn’t be anywhere near me.”
“Why not?” she asks.
“It’s dangerous.”
“I know it is. I can see what they did to you. You need to go back in there, and tell the police—”
I’m quiet to keep from yelling, but the words are forceful coming out of my mouth, “I talk to the cops, and I’m dead. Do you get that yet?”
“Then you need to leave,” she says. “You need to go where you’ll be safe.”
“No, that’s what you need to do,” I tell her. “You had the right idea when you sent me that text earlier.”
“I made a mistake,” she says. “This time of year… It’s when my brother died. I always do something, overreact in one way or another, or just sink into myself. I never know what’s going to happen, but I always know it’s going to be bad. I was lashing out, I thought, but the truth is I’m standing here because I—”
“You’re standing there because you’re not listening to what I’m telling you. It is not safe for you to be around me. Last night, I never should have gone to your house. I’m done putting you in danger.”
“I’m standing here because you’re always trying to save me,” she says. “You’re the first person since my brother I could say that about and mean it. Well, now maybe it’s my time to save you. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but—”
“I know what’s going to happen,” I start. I have to do this, but I do not want to do this. Things are only getting worse, and she’s not listening when I’m telling her she’s in danger, too. I have to make sure she doesn’t show up again, or else she might get caught in the crossfire. “You’re going to get in your car, you’re going to drive back to your nice house, and you’re going to forget you ever knew me.”
“Why would I—”
I do not want to do this. I have to do this. “You were just a conquest,” I tell her. “You came in that night with Riley, and I wanted to see if I could get you in bed.”
“You’re not like that,” she says.
“Look at me!” I yell. When I hear the echo off the front of the jail, I remember where I am, and I lower my voice. “You don’t know anything about me, and if you did, you wouldn’t need me to try and convince you. You’d leave, stomping your gas pedal through the floor. You look at me and you see an edgy guy with a motorcycle, but you wouldn’t last two minutes in my world. You’re a tourist, and now I’m done with you. Do you get it? Sometimes, the people you’re told are bad really are. There’s no soft, squishy bullshit inside each and every one of us. This is the real world, and sometimes, people just fuck each other because they can. Do you get it now? I don’t want to see you again. I don’t want to hear your voice or read your fucking text messages. I want to remember you as a notch on my belt, and then I want to forget you while I go looking for the next one. Get out of my life already. I’m done with you.”
She’s holding back tears.
I went too far. I didn’t have to go that far. If it keeps her safe, it’s worth it. I’d rather have her hate me than get hurt because of me.
I tell myself it’s for the best and that I’m just a passing curiosity for her anyway: Her trip to the dark side. She gets in her car, and I’m telling myself she was about to break things off anyway. It can’t be that she changed her mind that fast. She saw me looking like this and walking like that, and being a decent, empathetic person, she wants to make sure I’m going to be okay. She drives off, and I’m telling myself part of her’s thanking me for saving her from the long-form mistake that is being with me.
We barely know each other, anyway. Like she said, she was acting out because it’s the time of year when her brother died. I’m telling myself whatever I can think of, so I don’t think about what I’m feeling right now.
Gutted.
Most of what I’m telling myself is true, maybe all of it. That doesn’t change the fact that she’s hurt right now, and I’m the one that hurt her. Pure motives or not, I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive myself for that. On the bright side, I won’t be alive to regret anything too long. That is, if you can call it a bright side.
Chapter Eight
Julie
It starts because I keep telling myself I have to push through the way I’m feeling and go back to being the sociable coworker. Most of the people on this floor, I’m their superior in an ill-defined way, so I’ve got to be approachable. So, when there’s a knock on my door, and Kara from two doors down is telling me it’s Mark’s birthday, or Marcia’s—I admit I was only half-listening—I got up from my desk and put on my best fake smile.
For a minute, I feel okay. I’m distracting myself. There’s still that pervading sense of pain and humiliation, but I can channel that into singing the birthday song. It’s not until after we’ve cut the cake, and I again walk away with an empty plate. It’s not until I’m on the way back to my office and Tammy, the way-too-perky-for-corporate-work ball of inexhaustible cheer, comes up to me saying, “Don’t you just love this time of year?” It’s not until then that I lose my grip.
“No,” I answer. I start to walk away, but Tammy doesn’t know when to leave well enough alone. She always has to cheer everybody up.
“Oh, someone’s a grumpy Grinch, aren’t they?” she asks. “I bet Santa’s got something special in store for you this year.”
Even with that, I’m still trying to keep my cool. “I was just heading back to my office.”
“A lot of people get down this time of year,” she says. “What you’ve gotta do is just remind yourself that things aren’t so bad when we can all come together and—”
“And what?” I interrupt. It’s right about now I stop caring about being polite. “Let me guess, everything’s going to magically get better if I just let the spirit of the season into my heart. Everything will be snowflakes and candy canes from there on in, right? Life doesn’t work that way, and bouncing around in
a cute sweater Uncle Nobody gave you last year isn’t going to change that fact.”
There’s a hand on my shoulder, and I’m thinking about smacking the person it belongs to until I turn and see it’s Riley. She says, “Miss Montierth, I really need your help with something. Can I speak to you in your office?”
Before I can protest, she’s dragging me by the wrist toward my office, and once we’re inside, she shuts the door.
I sigh. “I was having a conversation,” I tell her. “What do you need?”
“What’s with you today?” she asks. “Tammy’s the office equivalent of a litter of newborn kittens dressed in tuxedos dancing with sunshine, and you were about to rip her head off and use it for target practice.”
“Vivid,” I tell her.
“What’s going on with you?”
“I just hate this stupid season,” I tell her. “I hate it when people try to cheer me up, too. What if I don’t want to be cheered up, did Tammy ever think of that?”
“This isn’t about Tammy, it’s about you.”
“You’re right, and you’ve given me so much to think about. Why don’t you go back to what you were doing, and I’ll stay here and ponder over your—”
“You saw what they did to Ghost, didn’t you?” she asks. I don’t answer, so she continues. “You forget I know these guys.”
“Whatever you do in your personal time is your business,” I tell her.
“It’s not what you think,” she says. “Nobody really talks about it with outsiders, so I know how it comes off, but I’m not a groupie. Rev’s my dad.”
“Rev?” I’d heard the name, but hardly anything else about him.
She sighs. “Someone who commands a lot of respect to those guys,” she says. “I don’t have the pull to do anything about what’s happening to Russ. I’m just Rev’s daughter—”
She called him “Russ.” Usually, it’s “Ghost.”
“Exactly how many guys at that club have you been—”
“None,” she interrupts. “I’m off-limits. Besides, those guys are family, and you are not listening to me. Russ is in trouble, and I’m not talking like they’re going to dock his paycheck. I mean he’s in the kind of position most people don’t get out of, you know what I mean?”
“Yeah, I got that impression last time I saw him. Look, I’m not stupid,” I tell her. “He told me it was too dangerous for me to be around him long before he told me… all that other stuff. And when I saw him walk up beaten and bloody, I knew he wasn’t exaggerating. I was really starting to feel something for him, but then I got all freaked out because I thought I was just acting out because of what happened to my brother—”
“What happened to your brother?”
I rub my temples and sigh. Maybe if I tell her, she’ll leave me in peace. I give her the short version.
“That’s terrible,” she says. “It’s hard losing people, especially when they’re as close as it sounds like you were.”
“Yeah,” I sigh again. “How do I know anything I’m feeling, or have felt isn’t just me acting out to take my mind off of what happened?”
“I’m not a therapist,” she says. “It sounds to me like Russ means something to you, though. Otherwise, why bother getting so upset about it?”
“Whether he did or didn’t, that’s all over now.” I tell her about what happened in the jail parking lot. The tears I kept to myself the last time I saw Russ, they come out now. “It’s just too much. I actually started to think maybe things could be different. I’m sick of it.”
“I’ll talk to him,” she says, and before I can get another word out, she’s closing my office door from the outside.
I’m out of my chair, walking toward the door, but I stop. Even if what I feel for Russ is real, and even if he’s only trying to protect me… Do I really want to ignore all his warnings? I still believe what he said about me not lasting two minutes in his world. Seeing what those men did to him was more than enough proof. It’s so early in our relationship that it seems weird calling it a relationship.
Not knowing what else to do, I send Riley a text saying, “I just want to know that he’s going to be okay. Don’t ask or tell him about me.”
I’m a teenager again, and not in the warm reminiscing of good times gone kind of way.
A minute later, the reply comes, “You sure?”
Yeah, I’m sure.
Chapter Nine
Russ
It’s another night at the bar. The fact is I don’t have anywhere else to go. At least here, there’s a chance they’ll finally finish it. I’m getting sick of waiting.
Of course, I’ve been drinking water and soda all night. Alcohol dulls the senses, and if I want a shot at living, my reflexes, my instincts, they’ve got to be sharp, clear. Truth is I don’t know what I’m doing here besides taking that next breath. As much as I want to believe my own internal macho, “bring it on” attitude, there’s not a part of me that’s ready to go.
After a while, it gets to be too much just sitting there. I get up, pay Chas, and I walk out of the bar. I’m hardly out the door when I see them. They’re standing there just like they were before. It’s Yardbird, Deadpan, and Switch, and they’re standing next to my bike.
I go inside, and they’ll pull me back out. I run, they’ll chase me down. After telling myself I just want to get it over with, I’m wishing I had more time.
This time, it’s not just going to be a beating. They’re not going to give up that easily. They wouldn’t be back unless they knew they could turn the tables, not after what happened last time.
“Ghost,” Switch starts, “it’s not what you think, man. Come here.”
I’m already walking in that direction. Frankly, I don’t really care if they don’t forgive me for taking my time getting there.
“If it’s not what I think, then what is it?” I ask.
Yardbird says, “We were wrong.”
“He lied to us,” Switch says.
“Who lied to you?” I ask.
Yardbird says, “We didn’t see it until he started talking about what he was going to do after you were out of the way. He started talking about what was going to happen when he was in charge. It’s not just about you. He wants Rev out of the way, too.”
I don’t have to think too hard to figure out who they’re talking about.
“Anyway, we want ya to know we got your back,” Deadpan tells me.
I scoff. “Little tough takin’ that one on faith. I’m still sore from the last time the three of you were hanging around my bike.”
“Yeah, well, like we said, we’re sorry about that,” Yardbird says. “We thought you was the one who talked, but we was wrong.”
“Yeah,” I answer. “You were.”
“We talked to a few other guys, and Auric’s got a lot of ‘em workin’ underneath, clearing the way for his ass to take the lead,” Deadpan says.
I ask, “So you just came to this conclusion on your own?”
Switch says, “Well, Riley helped connect the dots. I guess she’s been lookin’ into things, and we’re still not sure Auric’s the one talked to the cops and called in the raid. Be kind of surprised if he weren’t.”
“Anyway, point is, you got nothin’ more to worry about from us, and you need anything, we got your back,” Deadpan tells me. “We’re tellin’ anyone listenin’ to get in line behind you. Now Rev’s behind you, ain’t gonna be too much trouble, I think.”
“You might be surprised,” I tell him. “You’ve heard from Rev?”
“Riley went and talked to him in the joint, told him what all was goin’ on, and he gave the word you ain’t to be touched,” Switch says. “We’re behind Rev, which means we’re behind you.”
There’s nothing else for me to say, so I say, “Thanks.”
After a few more minutes talking back and forth the three of them head into the bar, and I get on my bike. Things may be starting to look up, but I’m not going to bet my life on it. Auric’s got a lot
of friends, and I can’t say for sure they’re going to take my side and Rev’s side over his.
I ride, checking my tail on the way home, but nobody’s following me. Riley turned her dad around. He wasn’t about to step in when I talked to him. I don’t know what she said, but I know I need to talk to her.
Pulling onto my street, I spot a white, late ‘90s Honda Civic with blacked-out windows sitting in front of my building. There’s no way to tell if it’s there for me, but when I get close, its lights come on, and it speeds off in the other direction. I’d say there’s a pretty good chance they were there for me.
Something’s coming.
I park, and I’m just waiting to get jumped. Maybe it’ll be a bullet I don’t hear from a gun I don’t see. I’m too exposed. What I need is somewhere else to go. If Yardbird’s buddies really are working in my favor, I’ve got to make sure I’m alive long enough for them to change a few minds. I don’t know how I’m going to manage that.
When I get to my floor, I turn the corner to head down my hallway, and there’s someone standing at my apartment door, facing the other direction. It’s a woman. She turns her head. It’s Julie.
I hurry over to her. She spots me and starts talking. “Riley told me where you live,” she says. “I know you—”