by Bella Jewel
He’s the only thing I am in this moment.
“Avery?”
The sound of a voice calling my name has reality crashing down on me so hard and so suddenly that I gasp and wrench my lips from Nate’s. I scramble backwards off the swing, landing with a crash on the ground. I can hear Kelly calling my name in the distance and I realize what it is I just did. I’m that woman. The woman who takes a man away from the pain in his relationship; the woman that becomes the monster; the woman that becomes his happy place; the woman that always ends up alone.
I don’t want to be that woman.
I shove to my feet, my entire body shaking. I lift my eyes to Nate’s and I see his expression is equally as broken as mine. I know what I have to do—I have to do it for him, for me, for Lena, for Jacob and, most of all—for Macy.
“Don’t do that again,” I say, my voice strangled. Those are the hardest four words I’ve had to say in my life. “You can’t ask me to feel something I’m not allowed to feel, Nate. And,” my voice breaks and I get that horrible, crying voice that doesn’t make this easier, “and you can’t expect me to be strong enough to say no. I can’t say no to you, Nate. If you push, I can’t keep away. I don’t have the strength. You affect me in a way no one has ever affected me. So, I’m asking you—just don’t do it. Don’t make me become someone I’m not—because I will, Nate. For you, I will.”
I turn and hurry off before he can say another word.
Because if he speaks to me, if he begs, if he looks at me with those lost, broken eyes . . . then I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep away from him.
CHAPTER 15
NATE
“Nate,” she moans, her head dropping back, her pink lips parting. “More.”
I drive my body into hers, filling her, completing her, claiming her. Her hands are on my back, nails biting into my skin. She feels so good, so fucking sweet, so fucking perfect.
“Baby,” I murmur, taking her hips in my hands and lifting her hips, driving deeper.
“Yes,” she cries, nipples hard, body arched and ready to release. “Don’t stop.”
I bolt upright in bed, sweating, hard as a fucking rock and disorientated. I run a hand down my face and close my eyes, clenching my jaw tight. I can’t do this—I can’t keep dreaming of her every night. She’s always there, in my head, in my thoughts, consuming me. I’m a fuckin’ bad man. It’s not fair for me to even contemplate being with another woman—it’s the most disrespectful thing I could ever do to my wife, regardless of our problems.
I need to get out of here. I need to get away.
Maybe I’ll go interstate for a race, take a few months away, give myself a chance to stop this shit. Give me a break from Lena—maybe then I’ll miss her. I need to miss her—I need to realize what I’ve got. I need to try. I need to be a good man.
I swing my legs over the side of the bed and slide out, not wanting to disturb Lena. I walk out into the kitchen and flick on the light, then I take a glass and fill it with water, swallowing it down quickly.
Get out. Fix this. Forget her.
Three things—none of them simple.
~*~*~*~
“What?” Lena cries, crossing her arms and glaring at me. “You’re not going to race interstate, Nate. No way.”
“I need to and you know it. Things are bad, Lena. I need time. I need to get my shit together.”
“You’re just trying to find an easy way of ending this,” she yells, throwing her hands up. “Don’t be such an asshole. If you’re going to end it, then just fucking end it.”
“Fuck,” I growl. “I’m tryin’ here. Do you think it wouldn’t just be easier for me to end this? Jesus, of course it would, but that’s not how it should be. I’m trying to do the right thing here—trying to fix something that I’m more than sure is broken.”
“You’re only doing it for Macy, because you know if you leave me I’ll take her and you don’t want to lose her. You aren’t doing it for me.”
She’s both right and wrong about that. The biggest reason I try is in fact for Macy, because she deserves both her parents in her life and I know that Lena will make it extremely difficult for me to see her if I walk away. The idea of not seeing my daughter breaks me—it tears me fucking apart. But, aside from that, I don’t want to hate Lena. I want to see if there’s something left—we both deserve that effort.
“You’re wrong,” I mutter. “I’m doing it for both of you.”
She shakes her head. “If you go, then go, but don’t expect me to wait around.”
“Shit, Lena, do you want this to end? Is that what you want? If it is, then let’s cut all ties and call it off now, so we don’t have to keep going through this fucking shit. I can’t get myself together if you’re not in it too. So if you want to end it, then fuckin’ end it.”
Her eyes widen and she shakes her head quickly. “I don’t want to end it. I just . . . it’s just . . .”
“I get it,” I say, fully understanding her hesitation. “So that’s why you need to let me go. It’ll only be a few months. It’ll be good for us.”
She stares at me, but slowly nods.
“Okay,” she says, her voice tired and worn. Just like mine. “Okay, Nate.”
CHAPTER 16
AVERY
One month later.
“No, Avery,” Jacob snaps, slamming his fist on the counter. “You’re not going, I’ve said no and that’s the end of it.”
I cross my arms, my heart aching for more than one reason. The first is because in the last month I’ve created a level of dislike for Jacob I’ve never had before. Suddenly everything he does isn’t right—he’s not right. He’s not Nate. I hate myself for that. The second is because I miss Nate. I miss him so much it hurts. It’s been a month, and I know he went interstate to race a couple of races. It’s not the same without him here.
I’m lost.
“You can’t tell me what to do,” I say to Jacob, my voice icy, my heart turning colder and colder towards him as the weeks go on.
“I can tell you what to do because without me and your father, you’ll never be able to afford it.”
I’ve asked him if I can go with Kelly to his next competition in Queensland, Australia. He’s not willing to let me go, especially not with Kelly. I told him I was going anyway, but he’s refusing me, and without his money or my fathers, there’s no way I can afford it. It hurts. We’re in a relationship and yet there’s no say-so for me. He makes all the choices and if he says no, then that’s it.
“Why is it such a big problem?”
He gives me an expression that allows no argument. “Because I don’t like Kelly and I don’t trust him. How would you feel if I went away with a woman?”
I sigh, because he’s probably right. Maybe I’m just trying to find a way to escape.
“Fine, Jacob, if you’re not happy with it then I won’t go.”
He nods, straightening his shoulders. “I’m not happy with it, so you’ll stay here. Now, I’m going to work. I’ll come by later and take you out for dinner.”
I nod and watch as he turns and leaves me. Why does my heart feel like it’s only being ripped apart more and more as each hour goes on?
~*~*~*~
He didn’t come and take me out to dinner. No, I got a text message saying he was working late and would come over later.
Come over so he can have sex with me and leave—his nightly sedation.
So, I decided to do the only thing that made sense. I found a bottle of vodka, threw myself on the outdoor lounge and got drunk. I don’t drink a lot; I don’t have the chance to. Dancing takes up so much of my time, and my diet is quite strict. I’ve got no way near the diet of the other dancers, the ones who dance professionally, but I certainly can’t allow myself to gain weight if I want to teach properly.
So alcohol is rare—therefore it went straight to my head.
Now I’m staring at my phone, frantically telling myself that it’s not okay to text Nate. It’s not
okay to want to know how he feels. It’s not okay to even think about him. He’s away—he went away because of me. He doesn’t need me making it worse, but I just need to know. I have to know, I just need him to understand that one day I hope we can be friends again.
But that’s not what I end up typing. I try six different times with six different messages, and I delete and scream more than I actually manage to get anything out. What I finally send I instantly regret it. I sound like a silly little teenager who can’t take a hint. I shouldn’t have sent anything, nothing at all, but my fuzzy, scrambled brain doesn’t want a bar of logic.
Avery: I know . . . I know I shouldn’t care, but . . . I . . . I can’t stop thinking about what happened and . . . well . . . shit . . . I just want you to know—I miss you, Nate. I just miss you.
I throw my phone across the back deck and put my head in my hands. What if his wife was there? What if she reads that? When did I stoop so low? When did I become the woman I knew I would despise? When did I stop fighting for right and edging towards wrong? I’m failing my friends, my family and myself, but I can’t seem to stop myself wanting what I can’t have.
I’m an awful person.
I lift the bottle of vodka to my lips, too tired to try and keep drinking it from a glass. The liquid burns my throat as it slides down, and I feel it tingle the entire way to my belly. My heart aches and tears fill my eyes. I get to my feet and wobble inside, dropping down onto the couch and curling to my side. I close my eyes and try to take myself away, try to forget the thing that is refusing to leave my heart.
I must drift off, because I find myself jerking upright, eyes flinging open, when I hear a knock at the door. It takes me more than a minute to get my eyes focused, and when I do the knocking has become louder. I rub my face a few times and get to my feet. I have no idea who it could be. Jacob has a key and it must be midnight, if not later, so I can’t imagine it would be Kelly, or even Liam.
I walk over to the door and run my hand through my hair trying to straighten it out a little, before swinging it open.
I face Nate.
I blink a few times, confused. Nate is meant to be away; he isn’t meant to be here. Why is he here? I stare at him, unable to form any kind of words to say something comprehensible. He stares at me, his eyes deep and intense. He looks so good, and it seems like it’s been so long, because he’s like a blinding light to my eyes. Black skin-tight shirt, black jeans and Doc Martens – perfect. His hair is messy and he’s got a few days’ growth on his cheeks and chin.
The ultimate bad boy.
“Nate,” I whisper. “I thought you were away.”
He’s staring at me with that look that makes me feel like he wants to consume me, to take everything I am and crush it in his strong, perfect hands.
“Is he here?” he asks, his voice husky and low.
“W-w-w-what?”
“Is he here?”
He’s talking about Jacob, isn’t he?
“Jacob?” I ask.
“Yes.”
I swallow. “No.”
He steps forward and reaches out, catching me off-guard. His hands slide around my hips and he pulls me into him, pressing my body against his. He’s warm and hard, and he smells like coffee and cigarettes. He lowers his mouth, capturing my lips in his and kissing me so hard I forget how to breathe, how to think, how to feel. I’ve lost everything but him.
When he pulls back, I’m swaying on my feet. He reaches out and runs the back of his hand down the side of my face so gently it seems out of character for him. Then he leans forward, his breath tickling my ear as he turns his mouth towards my ear and murmurs, “I missed you too.”
Then he steps back and turns, walking off and getting into his truck.
And just like that—everything changes.
CHAPTER 17
AVERY
“Waiter,” Jacob yells. “Another bottle.”
I stare over at the man I’m been expected to spend the rest of my life with, and now, more than ever, there’s a gaping hole in my heart at the thought. There is no happiness in a life without love. I’m learning that more and more as each day goes by.
“Avery,” Jacob snaps and I jerk my gaze in his direction.
“Yes?”
“You’re a thousand miles away. I take you out for a nice dinner and you can’t even have a decent conversation with me.”
“Do you love me, Jacob?”
He stares at me, his lips twitching, obviously taken back by my question. “What has that got to do with anything?”
I flinch. “Do you love me, Jacob?”
“We’ve not had the chance to get that far yet.”
“So, basically the only reason you’re with me is so you can take over my share of the business?”
He pins me with a scathing glare. “Don’t pretend you’re in this, Avery. Because we both know there’s no real connection between us.”
“Then why do we do it? Why are we wasting what is such a short life together?”
“If you’re thinking of leaving,” he snarls, “don’t. You’ve got no life outside of me, Avery. Your father holds everything you are in his hands and if you walk from me, he’ll crush it.”
It hurts me that I’m in this over a threat. It hurts me that my father would do such a thing. But what hurts the most is the reality that I’ll never be loved. I’ll never feel that soul-crushing, heart-stopping emotion that will change my life. Instead, I’ll fall for a man I can never have and marry one I don’t want.
That’s not a life.
“What is our life to be like in ten years?” I whisper, my voice too shaky to show itself.
“The same as it is now.”
That wasn’t the right answer.
He could have said better, or even we’ll try. But the same . . . the same? That crushes any hope I have left in my heart. I stare down at my hands and hear the waiter come to our table. He places another bottle of the best wine into the ice bucket beside the table, then he places our meals down. I can’t eat that—that fancy meal that I don’t even like. I can’t do anything of this. It’s not fair. I don’t want to live forever with a man who can barely look at me with affection, let alone give it.
I get to my feet, shoving my chair back.
“Where are you going?” Jacob asks, staring up at me. His expression is bored, as though our conversation didn’t even spark any kind of feeling from him.
“I’m going home.”
“Why?”
“Why?” I laugh bitterly. “Are you joking?”
He stares at me as if I’ve lost my mind. “Ah, no?”
“Jesus, Jacob. Doesn’t it bother you that you’re going to marry a woman you don’t even love? That you’ll spend your life without ever feeling love?”
He shakes his head. “I don’t need love, and as for any sort of affectionate feelings, that’s what I’ll take lovers for.”
My mouth drops open. He did not just say lovers.
“What?” I gasp.
“Don’t look like it actually shocks you, Avery. You don’t care if I fuck other women.”
“I would if I was your wife!” I cry. “I would if I had to tie myself to you for life.”
“We’re not going to have this conversation. You don’t get a say in this; you don’t get to choose how it goes. You’ll do as you’re told and accept it, because doing so will set up an amazing life for you.”
A life without love.
“I do get a say,” I whisper. “That’s the thing . . . I do.”
His eyes finally show emotion, because I think he finally realizes I’m serious. He gets to his feet and reaches out to take my arm, but I take a step back. The entire restaurant is watching, and an eerie silence fills the air.
“You walk away from this, you will lose everything. Your career, your home, your trust . . .”
“You mean I’ll be able to make my own mistakes, work for my own money and make my own career?”
“You’re not even
going to consider this. Now sit down and stop your nonsense.”
“Maybe I am considering it,” I say, jerking my arm out of his as he tries to lead me out the door.
“Do you want to lose everything?”
I glare at him. “Lose everything to gain so much more.”
“You’ve lost your mind. We’re going to speak with your father and he can talk some sense into you.”
“My father.” I laugh bitterly. “My father hardly speaks to me.”
Jacob pulls out his phone and storms from the restaurant. I follow him, avoiding eye contact with all the people staring at me as I pass them. I step outside and I immediately feel a soft drizzle of rain kiss my skin as my eyes scan the car park for Jacob. I catch him over inside his car, talking frantically on his phone. I walk slowly over, letting the rain soak my clothes and hair. I stop at the car and swing open the door. Jacob’s voice fills my ears right away.
“She’s lost it. You need to talk to her.”
I roll my eyes and slip into the front seat. Jacob turns and glares at me, and he keeps his eyes on me the entire time he keeps speaking.
“She’s just gotten into the car. I’ll bring her over.”
No.
No way.
I swing the door open and jump out. Jacob curses and slams his phone down before leaping out after me. I start off down the street, furious. He’s trying to take me to my father, as if that’s going to fix all these problems. He has no idea—none. He lives in this fantasy world of business and logic. Love, happiness and friendship are not a part of that and I’m tired of pretending it’s how I want my life to go.
“Stop, Avery.”
I spin around, water dripping off my nose. I swipe my hand across my face and yell loudly through the rain, “Stop? Why should I stop? You’re trying to control my life. You’re telling me you want a lover and that our lives will always be like this. I don’t want that, Jacob. I want love; I want laughter and happiness. I want something beautiful. You’re not my something beautiful.”