by Bella Jewel
He fucks me slowly, his hands on my hip, his mouth on my neck, his body sliding against mine. Our moans tangle, our breathing deepens and we both climb to our release equally as fast as the other. I find mine first, a slow building pleasure that rips from my inside and travels out until I’m screaming Nate’s name. He finds his with a deep, throaty groan and a few hard, intense thrusts that have my breasts bouncing as he drills into me.
“Fuck,” he bellows as he explodes inside of me. I feel him swelling and jerking, his eyes closed, his breathing labored.
Then he drops his head into my shoulder and we lay there, silent. Regret automatically creeps in, regardless of how amazing it feels to be with Nate. It’s like a deadly disease; slowly building until it’s all consuming and you can’t turn back from it. Nate rolls off me, gently sliding out of my body. He shifts to his side and pulls me close to him, tucking me into his arms. And it feels right. So right. I close my eyes, fighting back with the guilt swarming my body.
“Can I ask you something, and will you answer me honestly?” I whisper against his chest.
“Mmmmm, yeah,” he murmurs.
“Why?”
“Why what?”
I close my eyes, not sure how to put this. “Why me? Why would you risk your marriage and your family for me?”
“My family is non-existent and my wife no longer cares about me or how I feel. We fight most days and there are very few good ones left. I risk it for you, because you’re giving me a chance to see again, to feel again, to just be again.”
“Why don’t you just leave, if you’re so unhappy?”
He sighs. “You know, so many people think it’s something that’s so easy. Just leave. Just walk away. Just end it. The thing is, Avery, is that it’s never that easy. It’s complicated, it’s messy, it’s soul crushing and it is a hell of a lot of work. Does it make it right to do what I just did? No. It doesn’t. I don’t want to disrespect my wife, believe that, but walking away from her isn’t as easy as just going home and saying I’m leaving.”
“Are you going to leave?” I whisper, my voice too shaky.
“My marriage has been over for a long time, but the thing is . . . if I go, I lose my daughter. She will take her from me; I already know that. Lena is that kind of woman—she won’t make it easy for me to walk away. If I leave Macy with her, I’ll never sleep at night. I go home nearly every day to something bad happening to my daughter and if I’m not there, I’m powerless to stop it.”
“So the saying is really true,” I say, my voice broken and defeated. “People really do stay together for kids.”
He sighs. “It’s not right, but it is reality. I’m worried about what will happen if I walk away.”
I swallow and nod, because the truth of the situation is that I’m likely to be no more than a good time until he decides it’s getting too close and too risky. Then suddenly I’ll be no more than a broken little girl who foolishly gave her heart to a man that was never planning on leaving his wife.
“I should probably get some sleep,” I whisper, feeling my body tremble. “Do you want me to call you a cab?”
“You’re hurt,” he says.
I don’t answer; what is there to say? Yes I’m hurt, because I know you’re never going to leave and you just made me your mistress?
“I’m just tired.”
He rolls and shifts us so he’s half leaning over me, his eyes burning into mine. “Do you think I wouldn’t give anything to be with you, Avery?”
“What you’d give is beside the point; you’ll never be with me, Nate. So what we’re doing is pointless. It’s just an escape for you until you decide it’s no longer worth the effort.”
He stiffens and his expression is wiped off his face until he’s wearing a mask of unreadable emotions. He shoves up and leans down, taking his clothes and jerking them on. He’s angry, furious even. He shoves his phone into his pocket and runs a hand through his hair. I sit up, pulling the sheet to my chest and watch.
“Nate,” I begin, but he spins around and glares at me.
“Is that truly how you think of me? That I’m just using you for a good fucking time? Do you have any fucking idea how hard it is to be trapped somewhere you can’t escape from? I feel like I’ve got no way out; I can’t breathe when I’m there but I can’t leave because I’m terrified I’ll never see my little girl again. It’s not as easy as you think, nor is it easy for me to give myself to you the way I just did. If you think, even for a second, that this is how I want to fucking feel, to fucking live, then you’re wrong. Each day I go home and I feel like my world is closing in. Before you assume to know how I feel, try living the way I live.”
Then he turns and charges out of the room. I scurry from the bed, tripping on the sheet as I try to untangle myself from it. I hear the front door slam and I jerk a pair of shorts on, then I quickly pull a shirt on before running out after him. By the time I get to the front door and swing it open, he’s gone.
My heart sinks.
I hurt him—and I hate that.
CHAPTER 20
NATE
The house is dark when I get back in, so I find the kitchen light and flick it on. I glance around and see Lena on the couch, lying on her belly with her arm dropping off the side and hitting the floor. My chest seizes with anger. She’s been drinking again, that’s evident from the empty bottle on the coffee table. My mind instantly goes to Macy and I turn, rushing down the hall.
I swing my little girl’s door open and see her sitting on the ground, happily playing with dolls. It never ceases to amaze me how utterly perfect my daughter is. It’s just past midnight and she’s sitting quietly, playing by herself. She shouldn’t be playing; she should be tucked into bed after being read a book, or sung a song.
“Hey baby, why are you still awake?”
She looks up from her dolls, and I see she’s got little tears in her eyes. I walk in and kneel, lifting her into my arms. “What’s wrong?”
“Mommy yelled at me,” she cries, wrapping her tiny arms around me.
“Why?”
“Because I didn’t eat my dinner, I didn’t want to eat my dinner, Daddy, because I was full from afternoon tea.”
“That’s okay. I’m sure mommy didn’t mean it. You need to get into bed, it’s getting cold.”
“Will you read to me?”
“Of course I will.”
I tuck her in bed and red her Little Red Riding Hood, doing all the voices. She’s asleep before I’m finished, because she’s exhausted. It’s hard not to be angry at Lena when I see my daughter like this. How can I not? She continues to put herself before our child, and she wonders why we have problems.
I tuck Macy in and carefully sneak out of the room, flicking off the light. I don’t bother waking Lena, nor do I bother bringing her to bed. I can’t. I don’t want to. I pull the bedroom door open and step in, flicking on the light before shutting and locking the door behind me. I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and I dig in and fish it out. I see a message from Avery.
Avery: I fucked up. I didn’t tell you how I was feeling because I was afraid, afraid to let myself care for you. But I do, Nate. I care, and I understand. So I want you to know, tonight was amazing and I’ll never, not for a second, regret it. Goodnight.
I drop down onto the bed and put my head in my hands, taking a deep breath.
What the fuck am I doing?
CHAPTER 21
AVERY
“Come with me,” Kelly pleads, his eyes big and round. Damn if he isn’t cute when he looks like this.
He’s trying to convince me to go to a charity ball with him.
“Aw, Kel. I hate dresses.”
He scoffs. “It’s for a good cause, and I don’t want to go alone.”
I sigh, flopping back onto my bed. He leans against the doorframe, staring at me with that pleading expression that makes it so much harder to say no.
“I think I’m working that night,” I grin at him.
“You’re evil, you c
ould get out of it.”
I laugh and sit up, staring at him. “You know I don’t have a nice dress.”
“I’ll cover it.”
“Kel,” I warn. “No. I have to work. Besides I look awful in dresses.”
“You’re hot, Av. Stop being such a baby.”
I shake my head with a grin and slide off the bed. “So, have you heard any more from your stalker?”
“A change of subject won’t get you out of it.”
I laugh. “I don’t doubt it. Now, your stalker?”
He chuckles and follows me out into the kitchen. “No. Whoever it was that was taking my board at night has stopped.”
“Probably saw the real thing and ran.”
He shoves me lightly from behind. “After that comment I’m seriously reconsidering taking you to the ball.”
“Ugh, ball. It’s such an ugly word. And I’m not going. ”
He laughs loudly and pulls out two cups as I flick the coffee machine on.
“Stop your whining. You’re going, and that’s that.”
“You tell yourself whatever makes you happy,” I mutter, slipping the cups under the machine. Then I turn it on and inhale the amazing scent of coffee.
“So, have you heard from Jacob?” he asks, lifting himself onto the counter.
“Not for a few days, though my dad has been trying to ring a bit.”
“You not answering him?”
I shrug. “What is there to say? He’s expressed how disappointed he is in me. There’s really not much more I can do.”
“Sorry. It sucks he’s not supporting you with this.”
“Yeah,” I say, staring at my hands. “It does suck.”
“Knock, knock!”
I hear Max’s voice and turn to see him striding into the room, cop outfit on, looking rather luscious. Seriously, how the man is still single is beyond me. The women should be snapping him up.
“Hey Maxy.” I smile.
He groans. “Seriously, petal, we’re going to have to talk about that nickname. You’re ruining my reputation.”
I laugh, then say, “Do you want a coffee?”
“Actually, yeah. I’ve got some news.”
My skin prickles. It’s an instant reaction when he says anything along those lines. Kelly leans across and takes my hands, turning me away from the coffee machine. “I’ll finish these. You sit down with Max.”
“Kelly,” Max says, nodding at him with a smile.
Kelly grins at him and then turns and focuses on the coffees while I go and sit beside Max at the kitchen table.
“So you know I’ve opened your mother’s case again,” he begins, “and I truly didn’t know if it would be worth it. It’s been a cold case for a while now; there was so little evidence surrounding her disappearance.”
I nod, unable to say anything. My breathing is ragged and my heart is pounding.
“Well, when I reopened the case I went back through the old notes and files to see what could possibly have been missed. There wasn’t a lot there. I found old names and numbers, and I started calling around.”
“And?” I whisper.
He sighs and drops his head, staring at his hands. “I found out some information. Some that wasn’t disclosed during the case.”
“Max, please,” I beg, my hands shaking. “Just tell me.”
“There was a hotel owner who had moved out of town the week before your mother’s disappearance. It was only through old friends of hers and people around the town that I found out his name.”
“What would a hotel owner have to do with anything, Max?”
His eyes soften, and I know he’s about to serve me with something big, something brutal.
“Well, you’d think nothing of it, but it turns out he was the husband of one of your mother’s friends. He didn’t speak up back then for reasons that are his own, but when I contacted him again he gave me some information that put some strong leads into place.”
“Max,” Kelly says returning to the room, his voice grim. “Don’t dance around it, just tell her.”
Max closes his eyes and then opens them. “The reason he didn’t speak, Avery, is because he was scared of the impact it would have on your family and your father. You’d all lost so much. But the information he came forward with was that there was a man who used to get a room there, twice a week, during the day. He saw Taylah three times going into that room during the time the man had it booked. He said she stayed anywhere between two and five hours before leaving.”
My heart stops beating, a loud buzzing fills my ears and my scalp prickles.
“I got the contact details of that man and yesterday paid him a visit. His name is Mathew Jackson. I mentioned Taylah’s name and his face went white. He let me in and he told me everything . . .”
“Max,” Kelly says, his voice hard. “Just tell her.”
“He said Taylah and he . . . well . . . they were having an affair.”
My mind turns hazy and my vision blurs. I can’t breathe, I can’t think; my entire body is numb.
“He said they’d been seeing each other for just over a year and she was planning to leave your father. He said the day she went missing was the last day he saw her. She arrived at the hotel and got a call midway through the day, so she left. It was the last time anyone saw her.”
“You’ve got it wrong.” I gasp, my throat tight. “She wouldn’t do that.”
“Evidence is showing that his story is correct,” Max says gently.
“You’re lying!” I scream, getting to my feet and shoving my chair back.
Liam’s words ring in my head. He told me a while back that my dad had told him Momma was having an affair. It can’t be real—she wasn’t like that. She was loving, and loyal and beautiful. She was everything I’m not. She loved my dad; she loved us. She wouldn’t. They’ve got it all wrong.
I scramble backwards, tears roaring down my cheeks. Kelly and Max are both out of their chairs, but I don’t want to see either of them. I put my hands out and shake my head, managing only to get out a crackled, “Leave me alone.”
I turn and rush from the house, gripping my purse from the table by the door as I go.
My world has just been shattered.
~*~*~*~
It’s pouring with rain and I’m sitting on the beach, soaked to the bone, my hair stuck to my face. I’m freezing and my teeth are clattering together as I rub my arms, trying to bring some warmth back into my body. I don’t know where to go. If I go home I know Kelly and Max will be waiting for me; if I go to Liam I’ll just get an “I told you so.” That leaves only one option, and it’s the one option I know I shouldn’t consider.
Nate.
He’s in a town fifty miles away, staying at a hotel because he’s racing there tomorrow morning. I’ll be paying a great deal of money to get to him, but right now he’s the only person I want to see—the only person I need.
I shove to my feet and drag my aching body up the sand and onto the road. I find a bus shelter and I pull out my phone. I had it tucked under my clothes and between my legs. It’s damp, but it’s not wet. I see I’ve got a great deal of missed calls from Kelly and Max, as well as a few from Liam. I ignore them all and find a number for a cab. I dial it quickly and then I wait.
I don’t manage to warm up, but by the time the cab arrives I’m no longer dripping. I’m just damp and even colder. I swing the door open and slide into the back seat, giving the driver the name of the hotel that Nate told me he was staying at. I’m worried about going to him, because when he told me the name of the place he was staying he said, “In case of emergency, this is where I’ll be,” but it was said with a deep underlying tone that told me he literally meant only in case of an emergency, and not for a secret visit.
He’s hardly spoken to me since that night—he’s still angry, and I understand why. I insulted him and I hurt him. It wasn’t fair of me to do that. He’s risking everything for me, and I made him feel as though I didn’t believe in him
. The thing is, I do believe in him. I adore Nate; I might even love him, and I was wrong for questioning him. I don’t know how it feels to be in his shoes. I have no idea how hard this must be for him.
“You look cold, miss,” the older cab driver says as we head down the highway.
“I got stuck in the rain,” I croak.
“Here,” he says, reaching across to turn the heater on.
“Oh, thank you,” I say, feeling the warmth push out and fill the back of the car.
Heaven.
I settle back into the seat, letting the heater warm me as we drive, and I think about what Max revealed to me today. I trust Max and I love him like the father I never had, but he can’t be right about my mother. She wouldn’t do that to us; she wouldn’t hurt us like that. But then I think of my situation and myself, and I instantly become aware of the fact that sometimes even the best people make mistakes. I’m the perfect example of that. I’m travelling to a married man who I’ve begun an affair with. That’s not something I’d ever thought I would allow myself to do.
Fresh tears spring to my eyes as I think about my beautiful mother falling for another man. Did he hurt her? Did he have a wife that found out? Dread fills my chest as I realize how very real that situation could be . . . for me. I try to block the thought out, not wanting to let it into the part of my brain that is already hesitating. Instead I close my eyes and put my face in my hands, and I leave it there until the cab driver pulls the vehicle to a stop.
“Here you are, miss.”
I lift my head. My neck aches from my long-held position and I peer out the window. I see a small, cozy hotel with a flashing red sign that says Oasis Inn. I hand the driver some money and he quickly retrieves some change. I thank him and get out, wrapping my arms around my still damp body. I hesitate for a second as the cab disappears into the night. Should I be here?
I slowly walk towards the hotel reception, my feet dragging. I shouldn’t be here; I should turn around and go home. He probably doesn’t want to see me. What if Lena is here with him? What am I doing? I put my hand on the doorknob at the reception door and I slowly twist it, pushing it open. An older man is standing at a large reception desk, his glasses pushed down on his nose, studying a travel guide. He looks up when the bell chimes.