by Anne Tibbets
“Is that what happened to you?”
My face fell. I’d said too much. It made me crazy I kept letting things slip. First I’d blurted out I was from the Line, then I’d let it slip how I got there. I didn’t want anybody to know anything. The truth was too terrible. With him, though, it was like my mouth wasn’t in on my plan. As if it had ideas of its own, and somehow, it involved telling Doc everything.
Stupid.
Though strangely, I had to admit, so far the truth was working for me.
He got up from the couch and came forward. I snatched up the pile of clothes Sonya had left and hugged them to me.
He examined me, full of sympathy.
I hated it. “Don’t look at me like that.”
“Like what?”
“You think I’m pathetic.”
His eyes shot wide. “You’re not pathetic.”
“Then stop staring at me like that!”
He paused. I could see him thinking.
I pressed the clothes against me so hard my arms ached.
“After everything you’ve been through, and now your pregnancy and release?” His stare was intense; it made me squirm. “I just...I just think you’re incredible. That’s all.” His voice soaked through me.
My breath stopped.
He meant it. I could tell he meant every word.
He was a foot in front of me. His eyes were such a bright green they glowed. My temples pulsed, making my head throb.
I wanted to run. The clothes I’d been holding were on the floor and I wasn’t sure when I’d dropped them.
I eyed the door. But I couldn’t move. I tried to appear more in control of myself than I actually was, but I was far from it.
No man had ever given me a compliment and meant it.
But he did.
It terrified me.
He stood there, watching. His eyes followed mine to the exit and he understood.
He saw it all. He saw my panic, my anger, and he was heartbroken. “All right,” he whispered. He wrenched his body around and went into his bedroom, slamming the door.
I jumped at the sound.
Why was I trembling? My reactions made no sense to me. He hadn’t done a thing. He hadn’t even tried to touch me.
I shakily scooped the clothes from the floor and went to my room, closing the door behind me. I locked it. I took a shower and sat on the bed, trying to figure out what had happened to me. Ultimately, I knew.
I was a mess.
I’d wanted to think I could walk off the Line with no scars, but that was impossible. One sincere compliment from a man, and I was ready to hide. That was certifiable. Having him call me incredible scared me twice as much as having him standing a foot away from me.
Just how screwed up was I?
Would I be this psycho with the babies? Would I be able to love them with my crazy psyche?
I was escaping one terrifying life and leaping full force into another. And I was going in blind and felt completely alone.
The more I thought about it, the more it pissed me off.
* * *
I came out into the living room, dressed in my new clothes—a pair of straight-leg jeans that actually fit and a long-sleeved tee under the army jacket. The boots didn’t bother me, so I wore them.
Doc was in the kitchen. He snatched his keys from the kitchen counter but didn’t look at me. “You ready?”
“Yeah.”
He opened the door for me and gazed into the hall as I went by.
We trotted down the stairs and rode the motorcycle to Tym’s.
I felt Doc’s body stiffen when I wrapped my arms around his waist. That bothered me, and I didn’t want it to.
I hated it.
Chapter Eleven
The ride to the warehouse was awkward. But it was over soon enough.
We found Tym in the same spot where we’d left him, in the dark cave of hard drives, wearing the same clothes. Although, he’d apparently found his glasses because they were no longer perched on top of his backward cap, but at the end of his bulbous nose.
“Nice hair,” Tym said to me. He flung himself into his rolling chair and sent boxes of text in motion with his hands against the wall of screens. “It suits you.”
“Thanks.”
I stayed in the back of the room as Doc peered over Tym’s shoulder. He handed Tym a wafer-thin flash drive. He took it and plugged it into a tall, metal rectangular tower of drawers, which was parked on one end of a table. After a few minutes of working, he skidded across the room on his chair, plugged another tablet into a cube hard drive next to the tower and went back to flail some more at the screens.
“A chef, huh?” Tym asked.
I nodded. “Yep.”
He continued to stare at the screens, tossing text and what appeared to be a series of certificates into another window in the bottom left. He read through the information carefully.
“Why is she a widow?” Tym asked aloud.
Doc cleared his throat. “So Auberge doesn’t question it after she reveals she’s pregnant.”
Tym nodded then tossed some more screens around. “Okay. Naya, your late husband was Edward DeVille, age twenty-five. Here’s his death certificate. You were married last year and lived in East. You’ll have to memorize all this for the interview when your application processes through the Institution for the apprenticeship program. I’m dumping all the information into this drive so you can study it back at Doc’s place.”
“All right.”
“To make things simple, we’ve made you an orphan,” he continued. “You were raised in a children’s home in North. It’ll be easy to place you there, since there are so many unclaimed children. You’ll easily slip through the cracks. After you turned eighteen, you were unemployed, then married. I don’t want to overwhelm you with too much. Okay so far?”
My head started to hurt. Could I pull this off? Doc had said he had a friend on the Institution board, but I was still concerned I’d blow it and bring down Auberge on all of us.
Tym seemed to be reading my thoughts. “Don’t worry. You’ll be fine.” He turned in his chair and addressed Doc. “By my calculations, the worm, including the information with her new identity attached, should take twelve minutes to upload.”
Doc frowned. “That’s too long.”
“Can’t be helped.” Tym turned and winked at me. “I’m a genius, but even I have my limits.”
I nodded at him without expression. The weight of my situation was getting heavy, and I fought the urge to sit on the floor.
How was I supposed to do this?
Back at the clinic, Doc had said that the other girls they’d tried to help had made a single mistake, and that was why they’d disappeared. I wondered if their mistakes had been during their application processes for their new lives. But if that was the case, Doc, Sonya and Tym wouldn’t still be here.
Tym eyed me quizzically and then Doc, who almost imperceptibly shook his head.
“Everything okay, Naya?” Tym asked. “Or, should I say, Natalia?”
It sounded odd to have him call me by the other name, but felt strangely familiar too. Maybe my real name was Natalia, as it had been in my dream. I forced a shrug. “It’s fine.”
“You should be happy,” he said, back at the screen flinging more text windows about. “You’re almost free.”
“I guess so.” There seemed a long way to go before I felt free—if I ever felt safe.
Tym stopped and peeked over his shoulder at me. “What’s the matter? Something happen?”
Doc shifted his weigh uncomfortably.
“No,” I said. “I’m just a little overwhelmed. I hope I don’t screw this up. For all our sakes.”
Tym didn’t see
m worried about that, though he was observing me carefully. “You’ll be fine. It’s a lot easier than it sounds.”
“I hope so.”
Tym went back to his screens and flipped more windows about the wall. But he swung back around in his desk chair and glared at me again. “You sure nothing happened?”
“No. Nothing happened,” I said.
Tym didn’t take his eyes off me. I tried not to falter under his gaze, but I couldn’t help it.
“You’re just nervous about all this?” he quizzed me.
I couldn’t help but scoff. “That’s the understatement of the decade.” It was only a sliver of how I really felt. Scared shitless. Angry. Emotional. Excited.
Alive.
“You’re gonna be fine,” he said. “Okay? I know you’re probably freakin’ out ‘cuz you never been on your own before. But you aren’t alone. All right? You got me. You got Sonya. You got Doc. We’re all gonna help you. Anj too. Okay? So don’t go thinking you’re in over your head. You’re not.”
I nodded. “If you say so.”
Tym raised an eyebrow. “If I say...?” He swiveled toward Doc. “You sure she’s ready for this?”
Doc seemed to wake up from a trance, taken aback. “She’ll be fine.”
“‘Cuz she don’t sound fine.”
“I’m fine,” I lied. “Let’s do this.”
“No, you’re not fine,” Tym said. He propped his glasses off his nose onto the top of his cap. “We can wait a week or two. We can move you a couple of times over. Wait until you’re ready. We don’t have to rush.”
“We can’t wait,” Doc snapped.
“Why the hell not?” Tym barked back. “If she’s not ready, we shouldn’t hurry. ‘Member what happened last time?”
I stiffened. My worry deepened into a thick anxiety and settled into the pit of my stomach.
“Eventually Auberge will realize she’s dropped off the grid,” Doc protested. “We have to move fast.”
“It’s gone bad before,” Tym persisted. “What’s to say it won’t go bad again? If she’s cracking under the pressure now, just wait—”
“I’m not cracking.”
Tym seemed skeptical. “No offense, sweetie. But you seem a bit shaky.”
“I’m fine,” I said again, trying to sound sure of myself.
“Then what happened?” he pressed.
“Nothing. It’s stupid.”
“So something did happen?”
“Never mind. It’s nerves,” I said. “I’ll be fine. Where was the home in North I’m from?” I tried to change the subject, but Tym wouldn’t let it go.
He sat back in his rolling chair and growled at Doc. “What’d you do?”
Doc turned white as a ghost. It was evident even in the darkness of the humid computer room. “I paid her a compliment.”
Tym’s expression shifted slightly. Suddenly he was grinning. “A what? A compliment?” He chuckled a little and shook his head. “Damn, girl. A compliment? Jeez. I thought maybe something serious happened. For crying out loud! I forgot you’re pregnant and hormonal. I should have figured you were just, you know, moody.”
“Moody!” I hollered. Though I had to admit, hearing it out loud, it did sound a bit ridiculous. Why had I allowed a simple compliment to unnerve me? The more I thought about it, the more I realized it wasn’t the compliment that had upset me. It was something much deeper I had yet to acknowledge.
It had been how the compliment had made me feel, which wasn’t Doc’s fault.
“What’d he do? Propose marriage?” Tym teased.
Doc smiled. “No.” His dimple appeared, and I didn’t hate it as much. He looked sheepish, almost shy. It was endearing.
“He call you hot or something inappropriate?”
“I called her incredible,” Doc said.
“Incredible? Incredible! Lord, girl!” Tym laughed a hearty and deep bellow from his gut.
“Well, when you say it that way...” I protested, knowing it sounded preposterous.
“Good grief,” Tym chuckled. “You had me worried you were going to have a nervous breakdown or something, the way you were looking. Incredible? Girl! Just say thank you, even if you don’t think it’s true, and move on. Jeez criminey. You had me worried. Now, has anyone seen my glasses?” He fumbled around on his desk and found a pair under some tablets before he went back to the screens, oblivious to the glasses on top of his head.
Tym was right. It wasn’t Doc’s fault. The silliness of my reaction shamed me. If I was going to make a life for myself, I was going to have to get a thicker skin. And fast.
I’d have to do better from now on.
A few minutes later, Tym rolled back over to the tablet he’d plugged in to the tower and then rolled it over to Doc, who put it in the satchel over his shoulder. “All right then, Natalia,” he said. “Last chance. You sure you’re ready to do this?”
“Let’s do it,” I said with as much conviction as I had.
Doc added, “As soon as Sonya’s ready.”
“Talked with her this AM,” Tym said. “Tomorrow morning, drop off Natalia and it’s a go.” He unplugged another flash drive and handed it to Doc.
“Tomorrow morning,” Doc said, taking the drive and stuffing it into his satchel. “Thanks, Tym.”
“Be careful,” he said to Doc, and smiled at me. “See you soon, Natalia.”
“Okay.”
“Now don’t go bursting at the seams—but I think you’re incredible too, m’kay?”
I felt my lips crack a smile. “Thanks, Tym.”
“No problemo,” he said, and rolled back to his screens.
Doc grunted and walked out the door. He held it open for me.
I waited as he got the motorcycle out from under the tarp.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “About earlier, I just...”
He shrugged as he turned the key and started the bike. He motioned for me to sit behind him.
After I wrapped my arms around his waist, I felt him relax. He was warm to the touch. “Don’t even worry about it.” I could tell he meant it.
He pulled the bike into the alley and onto the street.
I rested my cheek in its spot against his back and said nothing more for a while.
* * *
When we arrived back at his apartment, Doc handed me the flash drive and his tablet, then retreated to his room. I went to my room, sat on the bed, plugged in the flash and read and reread my new life over and over again.
Name: Natalia Grey
Age: 22
Birthplace: North Sector Orphanage
Married to Edward DeVille one year ago
Lived in East, where Edward was a guard in the Science Laboratories
Edward died ten months after our wedding
Name: Natalia Grey
Age: 22
After reading and reciting the information out loud a while, my eyelids grew heavy. I laid my head on the bed to rest them for a few moments and fell asleep.
* * *
I’m in my sleep compartment.
It’s dark.
Pitch black.
I feel around, trying to find the door handle, and remember there isn’t one.
I’m trapped.
Through the wall I hear Peni crying herself to sleep in the compartment next to mine.
“Peni?” I say. “Peni!”
She doesn’t hear me.
I bang on the wall and yell some more. She doesn’t answer.
The sound of her weeping rips into me. Peni shouldn’t be crying. She’s the cheerful one. She’s the one who cracks the jokes in the meal room. She’s the one who’s always smiling, though none of the other girls can figure out why or how she does it.
“Peni! I’m here! It’s okay, Peni!”
The sobbing gets worse. She’s outright bawling now. Wails of misery waft through the compartment walls. I claw at them to get through but can’t.
I hear sounds of a beating. Peni whimpers and cries out in pain.
“Peni!”
I claw at the wall. Chunks of it come off in my hands. It falls away like clumps of clay. More appears behind it. I can’t get through. I claw and claw.
Peni cries out in agony. The beating turns savage, and Peni screams. I hear the pounding of fists upon flesh.
“I’m coming, Peni! I’m coming!”
I shriek in frustration, pound the wall.
“Peni!”
* * *
I woke up screaming her name. Drenched with sweat, I felt someone touch me. I choked on a sob and clung to the arms that wrapped around me.
“It’s all right,” Doc said. “Open your eyes.”
I struggled to catch my breath. My face was pressed against his chest. His hot cheek caressed my forehead. He breathed into my hair. My fingers dug into his arms. His heart beat in my ear. It was rapid and thick.
I dropped my arms, and he pulled back. I brushed hair out of my face, and he rested his hands on my shoulders.
“You awake now? You all right?” He looked disheveled, but in control.
Unlike me.
His hands were on me. Smoothing my hair. Touching my face. I couldn’t handle it. I wanted comfort, but I didn’t want to feel him. I pushed his hands away.
“I’m f-fine,” I stammered. “I just... Bad dream.”
“No kidding,” he said. He let his hands drop to the bed. “You want to talk about it?”
No.
“I never had dreams until I got out,” I said.
Doc nodded. His hand that had pushed back my hair went back to my shoulder. He patted me softly. His fingers cascaded across my skin, and I felt it react. “It’s a defense mechanism,” he said.
I nodded. I couldn’t focus at him. I didn’t want to see that look again. The pathetic one. I pushed back and leaned against the headboard.