by Simone Elise
Her head snapped up; she looked slightly shocked.
“What has your attention?” I walked towards the bed that she had covered in figures.
“Um, nothing of importance.”
“It looks important.” Then my eyes hardened as I watched her pick up her work. “Why are you doing maths?”
I knew why she was. I knew why she had taken such a liking to it; because she needed it for making good headshots.
I pointed a finger at her. “I told you, no more killing.” It wasn’t happening, not on my watch. Her days of taking people out were over. I was going to make sure of it. If she really had a problem with someone, I’d handle it.
“We need to talk,” she said seriously, ignoring my question and pushing her notes aside.
Alarm bells were now going off. Something had happened. Something serious, and she was only about to tell me now.
“Why the hell didn’t you call me if something serious was happening?” I snapped at her, annoyed. If something was going on that involved her calculating headshots, I should’ve bloody well known.
She picked up her cigarette from the ashtray. “I didn’t have your number.”
Oh.
“You could have got it off the boys.”
“You were busy.”
I was positive she was going to make up every excuse possible to justify why she was only now bringing something serious to my attention.
“Well, what’s wrong?” I said, walking towards her.
She crossed her legs, looking all sorts of worried. “Nothing’s wrong. We just need to talk.”
“About last night?” She had to know I’d meant everything I’d said, and I wasn’t taking any of it back. I loved her. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, but if she had questions or doubts, I’d somehow ease them.
“No,” she said firmly. “It’s about Tae.”
“You’re done with him.” I didn’t see how we could have a conversation about something that was over; then I looked at her closer, reading her expression. “Or so I thought.” I crossed my arms, waiting for her to explain.
“Tae is offering me a partnership. He wants me to lead beside him. He is offering me...” she frowned, “a relationship without a relationship. The securities of one, yet no emotion.”
I knew immediately I was in trouble. She had to be kidding herself right now? He wasn’t just offering her a business partnership, he was offering her… him. To be a part of his life. To be equal. To share his responsibilities. There was only one label for that.
“He wants you to be his wife.” The bitterness that spread through me at the thought of her being someone else’s wife consumed me quickly, washing through my blood.
She nodded her head. “Yeah, basically.”
I just stared at her. I was gone a day. ONE DAY! And this is what happens? How many times did I have to tell her I loved her? Clearly, my love for her wasn’t going to be enough. I shoved my hands in my jeans pockets, feeling all types of sick.
“So what are you going to tell him?”
“He is offering me a life with no emotion.”
I scoffed. “You’re joking, right? As soon as you agree to that partnership, you will end up fucking him!”
“I didn’t say no sex. I said no emotion,” she said, clearer. “No worrying if he is going to break my heart in the morning. No worrying if he will change his mind. No emotion Jax. He knows me.”
“I know you! He knows the distant, cold, side of you!” I waved my hand at her; it was what she was doing right now - being cold and distant. Like she didn’t feel a fucking thing.
She met my worried eyes. “He knows what is left of me.”
What do I do? Do I argue with her? Point out all the reasons I am the better man? Why I am right for her. Fuck. I ran my hands through my hair. How many times had she been the one to tell me we were perfect together? I wished I hadn’t screwed up my one shot with her.
I looked back at her. I didn’t need to even hear it. I could see she had made up her mind. She had come to a decision. Her ‘talk’ with me, was to tell me she was leaving me for someone else.
I thought I was going to be sick.
“Jax?” Her voice was softer, closer. Fuck, when did she get up? She was standing in front of me.
I didn’t need to hear it. I knew I had had one shot with her, I had got one chance, and I’d fucked it up. All day I thought I had got her back, and I couldn’t believe my luck but it turned out my luck was the same as it had always been – crap!
“You’ve already made your mind up.” I saw the look on her face. Saw the determination. She wasn’t making a decision; she had made it and I knew it wasn’t me. I was only offering her my heart, he was offering her the world, with no strings. No chances of being hurt.
After what I had done to her, she never wanted to put herself on the line like that again. She would take the no-emotion option but the really sad part was, there would be emotion. She just didn’t realize that yet. Slowly, he would get through her walls. Slowly, she would trust him, and, before she knew it, she would be marrying him, for real.
“Is there anything I can say to change your mind?” I panicked. God, if there was a magic word to say right now to change her mind, I would say it, but I watched her shake her head from side to side.
“No-one can talk me out of it.”
There went all my chances. No way of talking her out of it. Well, I was fucked. I’d struggled to live without her temporarily, how the hell was I going to manage the rest of my life?
“I love you Amber.”
Her face softened. “I know.”
Well, there was nothing more I could say or do. Nothing was going to change her mind. She’d said that herself. I didn’t even realize I was doing it until her fingers brushed a tear from my cheek. Fucking crying. God, I was weak.
“Jax.” She took a step closer to me and her being closer to me was exactly what I didn’t need. She opened her mouth, but I cut her off.
“I don’t need to hear it.” I didn’t need to hear how sorry she was. How she was doing the right thing. For both of us. I didn’t need to hear that I broke her heart. Or what other twisted reason she was using for breaking it off with me completely. I didn’t need to hear it!
Her fingers brushed my cheek again, wiping more tears away. God, why couldn’t I stop crying? “I love you Jax.”
“Yeah, I get it, but you want what he is offering.” I got it. My one shot with her was over. I’d lost her. Losing her, well I wasn’t sure how I was going to live with that.
She shook her head. “I’ve already said no to Tae.” She wiped more tears away.
I frowned immediately. “But you said you’d made up your mind.”
She smiled “Yeah, to be with you.” She said it like it should have been obvious.
“To be with me?” I didn’t believe it. She said she’d made up her mind. I watched her nod her head.
“Is that so hard to believe?”
“He is offering you a hell of a lot more.” Was she even thinking clearly? Had she even had a solid night’s sleep to be in the state of mind to be making this decision?
She arched her eyebrows at me, standing confidently in front of me. “You trying to change my mind?”
“I just don’t understand…” I thought I’d lost her. Now I was just confused.
She smiled and went up on her toes. “I don’t love him.” There was love in her eyes. I never thought she would be looking at me with love. “But I do love you, so how are we going to break it to my brothers that I’m moving out?”
I was stunned. So stunned I wasn’t speaking. So she just stood there smiling. Waiting for it all to sink in. And it did. It took me a minute, and then I grinned and wrapped my arms around her, bringing her to me.
“We need a house first.”
“I’ve already picked one.”
“What?” I pulled her back to look at her face; she was grinning and actually looking happy. “You have?”
“Yeah, Cole may have made a remark about my sex life and I snapped.” She shrugged. “I don’t want anyone, ever, overhearing us, especially not Cole.” She suppressed a smirk, “cause he might kill you.”
I started to back her towards the bed. “Don’t think I can take him?”
“I’m just saying you wouldn’t have it in you to kill someone related to me.”
“Thinking a lot of yourself again.”
Her legs hit the end of the bed and I gripped her hips quickly, spinning her around. Sitting on the bed, I pulled her onto my lap.
“I’m just saying I’m very loveable.” She grinned at me, sitting on me. Like her old self. I loved watching her like this.
I linked my hand with hers. “Yeah, you are.” And I kissed her cheek. “So, you’re still mine?” I was slowly coming to grips with the fact she wasn’t bolting, even when given the perfect opportunity to.
She leaned her forehead against mine. “Always Jax, even when you don’t want me.”
“I’ll always want you.”
Always, for the rest of my life, I would want her. A smirk spread across my lips. I repositioned her on me, so she was straddling me. My hands pushed her skirt up, until it was around her waist.
“Jax, everyone will be getting up soon. We can’t do what you are thinking.”
The smirk was still on my face. “I don’t care if they hear.”
“I DO!”
“I have my personal best to beat.” My hands pushed her t-shirt up.
“I still can’t believe you got to seven.”
“We will aim for eight tonight.”
“It’s morning, and no.” She looked at me like she wasn’t going to let me.
“Do I have to remind you of the rules?” I took her top off.
“But it’s morning, and the rule says every night.”
“I missed last night.”
“God forbid.” She rolled her eyes, and linked her arms around my neck as I fell back on the bed, with her on top of me.
“I know, think I’m hard done by.”
“Yeah, you would. Ok we can, but if one of the boys comes looking for me, we stop.” She was saying that like I would.
I smirked. “Whatever you say sweetheart.”
Chapter 50
One Year Later.
Amber
I always knew my past would haunt me. I always knew my mistakes would frame my life. Hell, my dad had told me that on repeat.
He always said, “what you do now will frame your life.” And then he would give me that cold, chiseled look of his.
And right now, his words were repeating in my head.
My mistakes. My past. They were haunting my future. Hell, I didn’t even have a future now because how could I have a future without Jax?
I walked into the prison. It was my fault he was in here. My stupid charges! I could have faced them; I didn’t need him jumping on the grenade life had thrown my way.
All the shit I had done with the TNS had caught up with me. It was my grenade. It was my fault Jax had organized that gun deal with them, and that same gun deal had been watched. TNS got caught with the guns, and who was in charge of the whole thing. Me.
So people talked which led the police to me. I had a lawyer. I was ready to plead guilty and what does my stupid idiotic fiancé do? Hand’s himself in for being the supplier, on the condition that my charges were wiped.
What was worse was that he did it behind my back. He organized the whole thing, between lawyers! Even my brothers didn’t know he had done it. No-one did.
One night I went to sleep beside him, ready to face my charges in the morning, and the next day I woke up alone, with missed calls from my lawyer.
I had never been, nor will ever be as furious as I was when I’d found out. Nearly as furious as I was now, going to visit him.
Three months. That’s how long it had been since I’d woken up in that bed alone with questions - all of which were answered when I picked up one phone call from my lawyer. He was lucky he was already getting moved to a prison because I could have killed him.
I should have known he was up to something; the way he was acting. Taking me going to prison way too calmly. I should have picked up on it, especially the way we had sex that night, I should have picked up on it. I scoffed while waiting at the prison door. I was left with another reminder of that night.
I was pregnant. Three months, and I couldn’t hide it much longer. Maybe another month, but then people would know.
I wouldn’t have to tell them.
So, right now, as the guard swiped open the door to the private visiting room, where I knew Jax was waiting, I was nervous.
The guard held the door open for me. Right, I was meant to walk in now, and say what? How do you tell someone you love, that they were about to waste six years of their life because of you?
Because that’s how long he got. Six years. SIX FUCKING YEARS! And that was them going easy on him.
I was facing three. Three! I could have done the time! I would have done it. Instead, I was going to have to watch him waste six years of his life, all because of me!
How the hell was that fair?
How the hell was I going to live with that? Why would he do that to me? He wasn’t saving me. And if he thought that was what he had done, he was wrong.
I walked into the room, and there he was.
I knew what he was going to do, so I was going to do him the favor.
“So, have you come up with hurtful comments?” I said as the door closed, and I looked him in the eyes. “I at least thought you would have Mai here, you know, to really drive the message home to me.”
He was surprised at first. Well, he could wipe that surprised look off his face. I knew what he was up to. He was pushing me away. I knew he was going to do it, as soon as I heard how long he got. I also knew he had set up this meeting to break up with me.
I just hoped he got creative. “I’m not going to thank you for what you did for me. They were my charges. I was facing them. Not you!”
He smiled and then his eyes hardened, and I was ready.
“My guns. My problem. Now you know why you are here?” He stood up.
I wished they had cuffed him to the bloody table. If he thought for a second about coming near me, I’d be responsible for another murder.
“I’m guessing to be dumped. I’m just hoping you are creative about it.” I crossed my arms, and took a step back towards the wall. If he touched my stomach, he would know I’m pregnant, and if he was about to do what I knew he was going to do, well, I never wanted him near this baby.
He knew I couldn’t take the heartbreak of losing him again. Just because he was in prison didn’t mean we had to break it off; but I knew Jax. I knew him so well, that I knew he was going to push me away. Hell, he was going to scare me away.
“You always knew the deal, Amber. If I went away, you and I were finished,” he said calmly, and walked around the table.
“That was on the condition that you got caught for your own crimes!” My arm shot out. I couldn’t have him touch me.
“They were my crimes.”
I scoffed. I would not have this argument with him. “Fine. Let’s just cut to it. Are you going to push me away? Just because we will be apart for six years doesn’t mean we should be for the rest of our lives.”
Didn’t he see how immature it was to end us? Six years we could face. I would face them beside him, but I knew by his expression I wasn’t getting a choice.
“Don’t make me hurt you.” His expression was still hard, but I saw a split second of pain. “Just do what you’re told.”
Being told to move on from someone? How the hell do you force your heart to let go? I just glared at him, and when he took a step closer to me, I pushed him as hard as I could.
“How about you do what you’re told? You want us finished? Fine, we are finished.” I pulled the ring off my finger, angry tears running down my face. How many times had I said t
o myself I wouldn’t cry? “When you get out, don’t come looking for me.” I pushed him back again as he made an attempt to touch me.
The guards saw it, and I knew I only had half a minute to tell him the rest.
“Hear me Jax, don’t come looking for me. We are finished.” I threw the ring at him. “I’ve already cut my brothers off, and when I walk out this door, I will do everything possible so you never find me again.” The guards came in, automatically grabbing Jax. “I won’t let you ever hurt me again, or him.”
Yes, I said him because I was positive I was having a boy. I was so furious and hurt at Jax, it just came out. I would protect my child from him. My child would never experience what it is like for his father to break his heart.
“What do you mean him?” Jax shouted at me, but the guard was already pushing me out. “AMBER!”
The door shut. I saw the panic on Jax’s face but I knew he hadn’t understood what I’d said. He had no idea he was going to be a father so I hadn’t blown my secret. The guard started dragging me down the hall, away from Jax.
I didn’t need to be dragged; I would leave willingly so I pulled my arm from his grasp and walked off, more determined.
I knew in order for Jax to never enter my life again, I had to cut my brothers off. I had already relocated. The last load of my stuff was in my car. This was my last stop on the train wreck called my old life.
My hands landed on the door to the exit, and I paused. Was I ready to face a world without him? I swallowed sharply and my hands went to my stomach. It didn’t matter anymore. I had to.
I pushed open the door, and took a deep breath in; fresh air. As I walked away from the prison, I made a promise to myself. Never would I let Jackson Johnston near my child. Or my life. Ever again.
Because he had just pushed me and his unborn child away. My child would never experience what it was like to have a Jackson shaped hole in his heart.
I was going to have to live with this hole as it was, but my child wouldn’t.