by Preethi Nair
‘Michael?’
The door was pulled open. First I saw a pair of boots and then long blonde hair.
‘Not Michael,’ an Australian voice giggled.
‘Gina! You’re back early.’
‘Don’t panic, you’ve still got the studio for another week.’
‘How was it?’ I asked, putting down my brush and hugging her.
‘It was the best.’ She looked around the room. ‘Far out, you’ve moved on from birds. This is bloody fantastic. Has anyone seen this stuff?’
‘It’s a bit of a long story but I’m in the middle of organising an exhibition for Tastudi Mangetti.’
‘Not the Mangetti?’
I nodded.
‘No bloody way! Go on, tell me.’
‘It’s a bit complicated.’
‘I want to hear; all of it.’
So I told her everything, starting with the Guru and ending with the forthcoming exhibition at Artusion.
She had her mouth half-open with disbelief.
‘Why didn’t you call me? Even if it was just to unburden yourself?’ she said.
‘I thought about it but then if I explained it all to you and said it out loud and heard myself, I wouldn’t have gone through with it – it would have just seemed too insane. And then there’s the rest.’
‘Go on,’ she said.
‘My parents don’t know that I’m painting. Every day I’ve been putting on a suit, pretending to go to work, when really I’ve been coming here. To throw them off the scent I arranged to see this guy who they wanted me to meet. I’m getting married next month.’
‘No!’ she exclaimed. ‘Do you love him?’
‘I think I can grow to love him if I just focus on the good stuff. I know I can. He’s nice, really nice and kind.’
‘Does he know about all of this?’
I shook my head.
‘God, Nina, there’s more to it than being nice and kind, there’s honesty and …’
‘I know, but you don’t understand – the wedding is in four weeks; there are six hundred and fifty guests. It’s all arranged. Mum and Dad are so proud of me. It’s been the only time that I’ve done something that they’re so proud of, and I have to go through with it, there is no way out.’
‘But what about the paintings? And Mangetti’s interest? I’m sure if you tell them they would be proud.’
‘No, they’d be horrified. I don’t know if they would be more horrified at the fact that I paint or that I have been deceiving them.’
‘And who’s Michael?’
‘What?’
‘When I knocked on the door, you said “It’s open, Michael.”’
‘He’s …’
‘Oh no, Nina, don’t tell me you’ve got another guy.’
‘It’s complicated.’
I told her all about Michael, how he had come into my life from nowhere and what he had done for me.
‘But I can’t do anything, I don’t know what to do. How I feel about Michael is how I felt about Jean Michel and look where that got me. The right thing and the only thing is to get married to Raj. You know, the first time I met him he gave me the Matisse quote, surely that’s a sign?’
‘Sometimes you only see what you want to see.’
‘What am I going to do, Gina?’
‘Concentrate on getting this exhibition together, get through it and the rest will follow. Tell me what needs to be done – I’ll help in any way I can.’
After we talked some more, she left saying that she would be back in the morning. It was a relief to have her back.
Gina was sent; Mrs Onoro was sent – these were the only things I knew for sure.
Mrs Onoro was in her dressing gown when I went to see her later that evening.
‘What wrong my dear?’
‘Nothing, Mrs Onoro, I just wanted to have a chat, that’s all.’
She looked at her watch.
‘I’m sorry it’s late.’
‘No it not late,’ she replied, taking the watch off and banging it. ‘It just that it normally tick loud, must have stopped. Come in, I make you tea.’
I sat in her lounge staring at the porcelain cats.
‘There,’ she said putting the tray down. ‘It is about man friend who I write “go for it”? He go for it but it not right.’
I nodded. ‘It’s just that I don’t want to hurt anyone.’
‘Hurt, it part of life. Accept it part of life and it easier.’
‘What about stability? Making sure that things are secure.’
‘It not exist, you know that. It excuse for not doing things.’
‘What about doing the right thing?’
‘There no right or wrong thing; there only best decision at that time; maybe good maybe bad but you make it based on heart. You make bad decision when based on head.’
‘What if you don’t know what your heart is telling you?’
‘You always know; sometime you don’t want to listen.’
I sat a while longer talking about the plans for Foruki’s exhibition. She yawned and said she would do a special prayer so it would all go smoothly.
‘I’m very lucky to have you.’ I told her.
‘You good girl, Nina,’ she said as I left. ‘You welcome any time, day or night.’ She looked at her watch again.
Gina came early the next morning and we began cleaning the pictures up and attaching picture fasteners. She talked about that first day she had seen me in the cafeteria at the Tate and felt compelled to speak to me, despite the fact that I seemed so totally unapproachable and moody. I told her that I thought she was a traveller who needed a sofa for the night.
‘And there was that quote. Complete lunatic,’ I laughed. ‘You’re worse than me. Who goes around cafeterias spouting quotes to complete strangers? Definitely desperate, I thought.’
Then she began mimicking the way I asked if Matisse was her favourite painter.
‘And what’s with that flowers quote anyway?’ I asked. ‘I was only trying to see flowers when there were clearly none and now this whole bloody forest has sprouted out of nowhere.’
Gina laughed.
‘I mean what kind of crazy woman throws a coconut off London Bridge and expects a miracle?’
‘Not crazy, just grieving,’ Gina replied seriously. ‘When my mum died, I went to a faith healer who blew all the negativity out of my ears.’
We looked at each other and burst into uncontrollable laughter.
‘Did it work?’ I managed.
‘Like hell it did.’
‘But you know, it isn’t just about seeing what you want to see or seeing what’s not there. I had the most amazing experience a few months after mum died. One night when I couldn’t sleep because the decision to go to England was really weighing on me, I felt my feet being rubbed. Mum did that when I was little and nervous or anxious about something. She’s always with me, I know she is, and it’s not because I want to believe it.’
I told her about the Reiki healer and Ki being there.
‘So how can you still doubt, Nina?’
‘I doubt to protect myself. For example, if I say that I doubt my feelings for Michael that means I don’t have to make that decision, I don’t have to risk anything. I don’t have to fear he’ll go and do the same thing as Jean. If I say that I know it’s him, I just know, don’t even ask me how but I do, it means an awful lot of people get hurt.
‘How have I let it get this far anyway? It was one lie that has spiralled so out of control, and all because I wanted to sell a few paintings to prove something.’
‘I know, Nina, but you have to make the best of it. I mean, you’ve got Tastudi Mangetti’s interest so you’ve got to focus on getting through the exhibition. Try to put everything else to the back of your mind; deal with that later and just get through this now.’
Gina helped me for the rest of that week. Whenever I stopped to consider not going through with the wedding I heard my father’s voice saying ‘I’m the pr
oud’; I saw my mother with the contents of the jewellery box sprawled across the floor; I heard the priest telling us about western notions of romantic love; I heard Raj saying how much he loved me; and I imagined what Raj’s mother would do to my parents. All these thoughts were put to the back of my head as I focused on making Foruki a success.
The day before the exhibition we hired a van to transport the pictures to Artusion. Michael came down to the restaurant and arranged for the pictures to be unloaded and taken up. I introduced him to Gina. When he turned his back she pretended she was going to pass out and made some swooning gesture. The wardrobe man’s bonsai tree had been removed from the gallery and in its place was an exotic Japanese flower arrangement.
Michael was polite and courteous but kept the conversation to a minimum. At times I could tell he wanted to laugh at some of the comments Gina and I made. We stuck to the layout Michael and I had discussed but after we had finished arranging the paintings it still didn’t feel right. The colours seemed to clash with each other and even before I voiced this he said it, and so we had to rethink the whole thing. It was seven o’clock when Gina said she had to leave as she was about to begin her shift at the restaurant where she had just started working. I called my parents to tell them I would be late again.
There was an awkward silence between Michael and I that I was unable to fill. I thought about doing something drastic like pretending to fall off the stepladder so I could get his attention but on reflection thought that this was manipulative. Not that conning the entire art world wasn’t, of course.
‘Would you like something to eat, Nina?’ he asked.
‘Only if you speak to me.’
‘I am talking to you.’
‘Properly.’
Later, Michael went around earmarking some of the paintings. ‘Just makes him more in demand.’
‘But I’ve told Mangetti that he gets first option on all of them.’
‘All the more reason to earmark them then.’
‘I think I’ll be at a loss as to what to do after. You can just get so lost in it all; it’s like another world.’
‘You’ll paint more, you have an exhibition to do for us.’
I wondered if that would ever happen. Would Raj understand my need to paint? I thought about being Raj’s wife, having to produce the first grandchild soon after and painting the odd picture now and then. How would I cope? Would this be enough for me?
We ate and spoke about everything other than what we really wanted to. After dinner we got back to work.
‘About the other night,’ I began.
‘It’s all right, Nina, totally understandable, you’re not over Jean.’
‘No, it’s not that …’ Before I had a chance to explain Michael went to dim the lights so we could see what the gallery would look like for the exhibition. The room felt magical. Fiery oranges and reds balanced against sedate colours, bringing them to life. There were no shadows; only light.
‘It’s beautiful, I can’t believe we’ve done this.’
‘You’ve done this,’ he replied.
‘Thank you, thank you for everything, thank you for believing in me.’ I went over to kiss his cheek.
My lips lingered on his cheek for a second longer than they should have. He turned his head slightly and his nose brushed against mine. This overwhelming impulse just to kiss him took over me – not to think about anything else but to do it. He touched the back of my neck with his hand. It felt warm and safe. I looked up at him, held his gaze and then I let him kiss me.
And for a while nothing else existed in the world but the two of us.
‘I’ve been waiting a long time to do that,’ he whispered.
I marvelled at how happy and safe I felt. He took hold of my left hand and kissed my fingers.
‘I never thought that I would feel like this again,’ he said. And that’s when the enormity of what I had done struck me.
‘Me neither,’ I said, tears welling in my eyes. I knew that someone was going to get hurt and I didn’t want it to be him.
‘Don’t cry, Nina, we’ll be fine. I’ll never do anything to hurt you.’
I buried my head in his arms and we held each other for a long time. It was getting very late.
‘Let me take you home,’ he said.
‘I’ve got this big van that I’ve got to drive back home in.’
‘I’ll drive you.’
‘No, I’ll be fine. There are just a few things I need to think about, clear my head.’
He nodded. ‘It’s a big day tomorrow. Call me as soon as you get home.’
Michael walked me to my van and began laughing at the state of it; it was a big, dirty, beat-up van.
‘It’s the only one they had.’
He kissed me again.
All I thought about was Michael as I drove home. Raj didn’t even enter into the equation until I got to our front door and stepped over the threshold of the semi. As soon as I got in I called Michael saying that there were things that we needed to talk about.
‘After the exhibition,’ he said. ‘You just concentrate on getting through that.’
And that’s what I decided to do, sort the whole mess out as soon as the opening night was over. It was a relief to have actually decided on something.
My dad woke me up the next morning with his shouting.
‘Nina, it’s seven o’clock, you will be the late.’
‘Don’t have to go in today until later,’ I screamed back.
‘What?’
I put on my dressing gown and went downstairs.
‘Don’t have to go in until later. We have an important exhibition on today – you know, for that Japanese man – so they’ve given me the morning off because I have to work in the evening.’
‘We haven’t seen you for days, beta, everything all right?’ my mum asked.
‘Fine,’ I replied, thinking about the kiss, what I’d say to them, what I’d say to Raj.
‘We’ve got new neighbours,’ my dad interrupted.
‘Really?’ I tried sounding enthusiastic.
‘Yah, look,’ he pulled up the net curtains and pointed to my van.
Oh God, how was I going to explain the van? ‘That’s mine, Dad.’
He stared at me, completely baffled.
‘As I said, we have this really important exhibition on and last night I helped transport the artists’ paintings.’
‘This is not making the sense to me. You still a lawyer, no? Why you taking pictures in dirty van? Artist is so poor he not got anyone to do this job. How can he afford you?’
It was the perfect opportunity to come clean with everything but it was the day of the exhibition and one more day wouldn’t make a difference.
‘It’s a favour. I went out of my way to help.’
‘It’s a woman, no?’ my mum asked hastily.
‘Foruki, now does that sound like a woman to you?’
‘Foruki,’ she paused for thought. ‘Yes, a woman,’ she replied.
‘And you still have your job? And everything is good?’ my dad added.
My stomach felt as though it was tied in knots. ‘What would I be driving around in a van for if I didn’t have a job, Dad?’
‘Everybody want the favours today, nobody want to pay. I say no when they ask me to repair the television for nothing. This is what I say. Don’t drive in dirty van, Nina. You’re a lawyer, what will peoples say if they see you?’
Later I called Gina to tell her what had happened with Michael.
‘I’m just amazed how you waited that long – he’s gorgeous! Have you told Raj and your parents?’
‘No, not yet. I’m going to leave it all until after the exhibition; then I’ll deal with it.’
‘Yes, you need to focus, put it to the back of your mind.’
‘How?’
‘Think of the consequences if you don’t.’
But Raj and his mother were coming that evening. They’d see Michael – surely they’d sense that
there was something between us. It wasn’t right, Raj needed to be told properly. I called him up in a vain attempt to dissuade them both from coming to the exhibition.
‘No, baby, I mean Nina, it’s no problem.’
‘It’s full of boring types and I know it’s not going to be Mummy’s thing.’
‘No, baby, she’s really looking forward to it. So am I, I want to see this Foruki chap.’
‘He won’t be there, he rarely turns up at his exhibitions.’
‘Well, we want to come to support you but you won’t even notice that we are there. We’ll act like we don’t know you like I promised.’
‘Raj, there’s something else you need to know. Can we make time tomorrow evening?’
‘What is it, baby?’
‘It’s best if we sit down and talk about it tomorrow.’
I went to the office to sort out all the last-minute enquiries. Raj weighed heavily on my conscience. None of it was intended, I never set out to hurt him or his family. Yes, his mother was controlling and domineering but she didn’t deserve this. What about the wedding guests? I thought about Michael and the kiss and then about how to tell my mum and dad. They had already had their hearts broken with Jana. How could I do it to them again? How would they hold their heads up in the community? What would I say? Where would I begin? Was it worth giving everything up on the basis of one kiss. Focus, Nina, try to focus. Tonight is not about you; Michael has his reputation, Mangetti will be there, you have to pull it off otherwise it’s all for nothing. One more day and then all the lying stops. Michael left several messages on my phone but I couldn’t speak to him. He didn’t even know about Raj. I had misled him, misled them both. It was a mess and although I tried I couldn’t put it to the back of my mind.
In painting I always found a sense of peace, but that day there was none. Both worlds were no longer separate and I couldn’t keep up the pretence. I went to see Mrs Onoro in desperation.
‘Mrs Onoro, it’s me, Nina,’ I shouted through her letterbox.
She came to the door. ‘Bell no working, I tell Rooney to fix it but he too busy. Maybe he find girlfriend. You think he find girlfriend?’