I can't believe they'd do that, he whispered. Why?
Because they love us, Jan said, starting to cry again as her mother stood near her. Mom says we can both be there when the baby is born, and it's ours right from that very minute.
What if they change their minds?
I don't think they will, Paul. She really means it.
We'll talk about it, he said, afraid to get his hopes up. But he saw his father for lunch, and talked to Jan about it that night, and the next morning they called their respective parents, and accepted. Their mood was jubilant, and Amanda felt as though she had done something worthwhile and wonderful, and she knew she'd never regret it.
I can't believe you, Jack said, in awe of her. I just hope you're not sorry later.
I won't be. I'm absolutely sure. I don't care how much I love this baby once it's born, they should have it. You were probably right anyway. Maybe I will be too old to carpool at sixty.
You'd be cute at any age. And at least you can see the baby whenever you want to. That was something. He knew this wouldn't be easy for her. And then he had an idea. Why don't we go away somewhere? Just the two of us, for a vacation. What about Paris?
Wow! I'd love that. The girls had suggested it to her the summer before, but she hadn't been in the mood then. But she couldn't think of anything she'd like more than a trip to Paris with Jack Watson.
They went in June when she was five and a half months pregnant. They stayed at the Ritz and had a fabulous time. They went out for dinner every night, shopped, went to the Louvre and the ballet, and walked all over Paris. She had never felt better. In spite of the ice cream, she hadn't gained much weight, and Jack thought she looked terrific. Everything they said about pregnant women being beautiful seemed to hold true for her. The only thing she was sorry about was that she couldn't buy really great clothes while she was pregnant.
We'll come back in November, I promise. He was worried that she'd be depressed then. He still thought that giving up the baby would be hard for her, but she had never wavered once in her resolve to give it to their children.
They had a terrific time, and stopped in London for a few days on the way home. And in July he took her to Lake Tahoe. But in August, her doctor told her she couldn't travel. She was seven and a half months pregnant, and she was hardly a young mother. The baby was large, and the doctor was afraid it would come early.
My others were both late, she said confidently, and her obstetrician laughed at her openly.
And how old were you then?
All right, all right. I'll be good. I promise.
They knew that the baby was healthy, and a boy, she had had amniocentesis before they went to Europe. And Jan and Paul were going crazy over names. Louise, on the other hand, was still being silent and had scarcely spoken to her mother.
She'll get over it, Jack reassured her. He just wanted her to be happy. And he did everything he could to distract her. But all she thought of now was the baby. She wanted to buy clothes for it, teddy bears, cribs and tiny little underwear, and mountains of diapers. She seemed to go shopping almost daily, and whenever possible, she insisted he come with her.
What are people going to think, for God's sake? I look like the baby's grandfather. He was still mortified every time she took him shopping, and whenever someone asked, he said what they were buying was for their grandchild.
What does that make me? Your daughter?
How about my wife? You know, that could be arranged. They had been going out for eight months by then, but whenever he said it, she ignored him. She didn't want to think about anything at the moment, except the baby. She even made Jack come to the doctor with her.
The first time he had gone had been mortifying, and he had wanted to crawl out the door with a mask on. Instead, he had held the newspaper over his face, and tried to pretend he didn't know her.
I'm not going in, he whispered from behind the Los Angeles Times. Everyone in the waiting room looked about fourteen to him. It looked like a summer camp for unwed mothers. They were all pretty girls from Beverly Hills with blond hair and short dresses. They looked as though they'd been taking candy from strangers.
Don't be ridiculous. All they do is listen to the heartbeat. It's exciting, she whispered back to him, and he peeked around the paper. There was a boy in blue jeans across from him. He looked like a child actor.
You can tell me about it. I'll wait for you in the car, he said firmly. But she looked so devastated when he tried to leave, that he sat down again with a mortified expression, and the boy in the blue jeans asked him if it was his first baby. My children are older than you are, Jack said miserably. The boy said he was twenty-three, it was their second child. But his father and stepmother had had one the year before.
He's sixty-five, the boy said with a broad smile.
Did he survive it?
Yeah. They had twins. In vitro. They tried for two years. My stepmom is forty.
Lucky devils, Jack said wryly, and then said to Amanda in the examining room that people were crazy. Why would a sixty-five-year-old man want to have a baby? Imagine doing this 'in vitro.' At least we had a good time when we did it.
Want to try again? she teased him, and he rolled his eyes. But when the doctor handed the stethoscope to him and he heard the baby's heartbeat, even Jack was excited. It was suddenly so real that it brought tears to his eyes.
That's my grandchild! he said, too loud, because the stethoscope in his ears made him think he was speaking softly, which he wasn't.
Is this your father? the doctor asked her then, looking confused. I thought he was your husband.
Actually, my husband died a year and a half ago, she explained, and the doctor smiled at her benignly. Like all the people in Beverly Hills, these people were clearly more than a little eccentric.
But the baby was fine, and Jack couldn't stop talking about it all the way back to Julie's.
Next time we should really bring Jan and Paul, he said, and Amanda agreed with him, pleased that he was excited about the baby. She had to see the doctor nearly every week now. He wanted to keep a close eye on her. He was still concerned that she might deliver early, and to Jack at least, her belly looked enormous. He couldn't remember either of his children being that size in utero, but Amanda was also very slender, so it showed more.
But the very worst experience for him was the Lamaze classes they began on the fifteenth of August. There were twelve couples, mostly in shorts, beards, and Birkenstocks, lying on the floor of a conference room at Cedars Sinai. Jack had come from a meeting at the office in a Brioni suit and shirt and tie, and they looked at him like a visitor from another planet. Amanda was already there, waiting for him, and she looked very relaxed in white shorts and a huge pink T-shirt and sandals. She had just had her nails done, and she looked like a model. The people there were too young to even realize she had ever been an actress. Outside, the temperature was blazing, and Jack looked hot and frazzled when he got there.
Sorry I'm late, sweetheart. I couldn't get rid of the textile guys from Paris. They wanted to schmooze forever.
It's fine, she whispered with a smile, they just started. There were charts on the wall showing varying stages of a woman's dilated cervix. And Jack glanced over at it with horror.
What is that?
A cervix. Dilated. Don't worry about it.
It looks awful. He had spent the arrival of both his children in a bar, getting drunk with a friend. In those days, fathers didn't have to do anything more exotic than show up afterward, with flowers.
He glanced around the room then, and realized that, as usual, almost everyone there was the age of his children. But he was almost used to that by then. What he was not used to were the photographs they showed, or the diagrams, or the training film they had promised at the end of the session. He was looking grimmer by the second.
The only part he found even remotely bearable, though embarrassing, were the exercises he had to do with Amanda, holding her legs, or help
ing her breathe. And the woman at the front of the room talked constandy about the miseries of something called transition.
What is that? he said to his wife after the sixth time she'd said it. But he had said it too loudly, and the instructor had heard him.
It's the most painful part of labor, she said with a sadistic smile, when you go from this ' she pointed to a chart ' to this. It's a little bit like taking your upper lip and pulling it over the top of your head. She moved on to the next question.
Doesn't this scare you? he whispered, a lot more softly this time, to Amanda.
No, it's fine, she whispered back. I've been through it.
Did you do it without drugs? The woman at the front of the room kept warning them about the evils of anesthesia, and had made it clear that real women didn't ask for medication.
Of course not. Amanda grinned at him between puffing breaths and panting. They can give me everything they've got. In the parking lot preferably. I'm no hero.
I'm glad to hear it. What about me? Will they give me some too? He was beginning to feel as though he was going to need it. He hated the people in the class, hated the way they looked, the things they said, and the stupid questions they asked. It was a wonder any of them had ever gotten pregnant. Apparently, even morons could do it. But what he hated most was their instructor.
And when she announced that the film today was an actual caesarean, Jack began to glance longingly toward the exits.
Don't you want something to drink, sweetheart? he asked casually. It's so hot in here. Actually, the air conditioner was on, and it was freezing.
Just close your eyes. I won't tell. The purpose of the film was so that if any of them had an emergency C-section, the husbands would be prepared and present. If they had seen it, and had a certificate from the class to prove it, they could stay in the operating room and watch. If not, they had to wait outside, with the sissies. But Jack knew that there was no way he could have been there anyway, not without general anesthesia.
I'll be right back, he whispered, too loud again.
Where are you going? Amanda asked.
To the men's room, he whispered.
We'll wait for you, Mr. Kingston! the voice at the front of the room proclaimed loudly. You won't want to miss this. He gave a quelling look at his wife, and was back in under five minutes.
And with that, they started the film that almost killed him. He had been in the army for two years as a kid, but no training film they had shown him there rivaled this one. Even the one on gonorrhea was a pleasant memory compared to what looked like the sawing in half of some poor woman. She cried through most of it, looked as though she was in terrible pain, there was blood everywhere, and before the lights came up, Jack whispered to Amanda that he was nauseous.
I told you. Don't look. She squeezed his hand and leaned over to kiss him.
Kingstons! The voice from hell sliced through the room. Are you paying attention? There will be a brief quiz on this subject.
Shit. Why can't we watch them operating on hemorrhoids?
Shhhh ' Amanda was laughing at him. He was hopeless. They never went back again. She didn't want natural childbirth anyway. She had tried it for about an hour with Louise, and she knew better.
But the last weeks of her pregnancy seemed very easy to her. On Labor Day weekend, she was eight months pregnant, and bored to death. They had gone to a movie, eaten Chinese food, and walked down the beach at Malibu, which was not quite as easy as it had been. She felt fine, but she was slow now and enormous.
They were sitting on his deck, drinking iced tea, when Paul called them. He wanted to know how Amanda was, and asked if they could come by later. And Jack said, when he hung up, that Paul sounded a little nervous.
Do you think something's wrong? Amanda asked, looking worried.
I don't think so. Maybe they're just getting anxious about the baby.
So am I, she said unconvincingly. She had been remarkably calm all through it. If this thing gets any bigger I won't fit into the elevator at Cedars Sinai.
Boys are like that, Jack said with a smile. Paul was a big baby too. His mother was mad at me for six months. She was such a little darling.
She gave you great kids, Amanda reminded him charitably, and he rolled his eyes at her.
Don't be such a good guy. She was a witch, trust me.
Paul and Jan came by late that afternoon, and Jack made drinks while they sat on the deck with Amanda, watching the sunset. It was a gorgeous afternoon, and Amanda was thinking about going swimming.
Is the baby okay? Jan asked, looking at her mother with concern. She was so huge it was scary, but Amanda didn't seem to mind it. She looked amazingly peaceful.
He's fine. Waiting for you, sweetheart, Amanda said with a smile, and Jack came back and handed the young people sangria. He noticed that both of them took long sips before speaking. And he wondered what was cooking.
Something wrong? Jack decided to break the ice, and the young couple shook their heads in unison, looking like guilty teenagers, and then laughed nervously as they looked from her mother to his father.
No, Paul spoke for them. Jan was too nervous. But there's something we want to tell you ' or we thought we should anyway. You should really be the first to know. '
Jan stepped in then, with tears in her eyes as she looked at her mother, Mom, I'm pregnant.
You are? Oh baby, how terrific. When did that happen?
About six weeks ago. I wanted to be sure before I told you. But the doctor has confirmed it and said I'm fine. I had a sonogram this week and everything's perfect. They even gave us a picture.
I remember that, Jack said, looking at them. But he wondered what the rest was. There was more to this story, he knew, as he waited.
Jan and Paul both took a deep breath then, and looked from one to the other of their parents. I know this will probably screw up your plans, but we just don't know ' we don't think ' I'm not sure we should '
Jack said it for them. You don't want our baby. Amanda looked stunned as both their children shook their heads, and then qualified it.
Unless you two really don't want to keep it. If you don't want it, then of course ' Paul was trying to be fair to them, but it was obvious that now that they were having their own child, they didn't want her mother's. We're really sorry.
That's all right, Son, Jack said calmly. Things work out for the best sometimes. Now, why don't you two run along. He looked at his daughter-in-law and congratulated her with a kiss and a hug. I want to talk to your mother.
We understand. I know this must be a little hard on you, Dad. They sounded young and insensitive and unaware, and yet at the same time, he didn't blame them. And he wasn't sorry either.
It's fine, Son.
They were gone within ten minutes, and Amanda looked as though someone had let the air out of her tires. It definitely required a shift in her thinking. She had done everything not to get attached to this child, and now suddenly it was hers again, and she had to rethink it.
Wow, there's a quick change of pace. I'm happy for them though. She looked at Jack from where she sat, checking for a negative reaction, but there was none. He seemed fine about it. But the way things were, he had no real obligation either. I guess that takes us back to the beginning.
Maybe, he said noncommittally. Why don't we just let it sink in for a day or two, and talk about it later, he suggested, and it seemed like a good idea to her. They both needed time to digest it, although her style was usually to solve problems on the instant. But this was different. This involved major life decisions. Or maybe none at all. The baby was due in four weeks. There was nothing left to decide now. And she had bought everything the baby needed, for her daughter. All she had to do now was have it. Come on, let's take a walk down the beach. She didn't say anything, but they didn't make it far, and in a little while they came back, and she wandered into his bedroom. She had been so happy here. They had spent such good times in each other's company. And their love had
grown in countless ways in the nine months they'd been together.
Want to take a nap? he offered casually, as he walked into the room behind her.
I'd like that. I'm exhausted. The emotional shock of having the baby given back to them had left her feeling drained, elated in some ways, and frightened and worried in others, and more than anything, concerned about Jack's reaction. It had been such a perfect solution for them, and they'd both been comfortable with it. Are you going to leave me again? she asked in a soft voice, trying not to sound as frightened as she was, as the setting sun was framed in the picture window in his bedroom.
Of course not. I love you ' and I love him ' poor little guy, he's getting kicked around like a football.
From where I sit, it feels like he's doing all the kicking. Jack loved feeling him move and kick and dance around. Sometimes when she lay against him as she slept it made him smile just to feel it. And he knew how worried she must be now. She didn't deserve this. And he realized again what a fool he had been from the beginning.
He lay down next to her, and very gently kissed her. What are my chances of making love to you at this stage in the game? They hadn't tried it in two weeks, and already by then it had been quite a challenge. She smiled when he asked her.
The doctor says we can do it on the way to the hospital, if you want to.
I want to. And he looked as though he meant it.
You're a brave man, she whispered with a smile, and he peeled off her bathing suit and rubbed a hand across her belly. And at that exact moment, the baby gave a huge kick and they both laughed.
I think he heard what I asked you, and I'm not so sure he liked it. They lay together for a while, and he held her, and eventually, their passion took over. It was gentle and slow, and better than either of them would have expected. And when Amanda fell asleep next to him, he put his bathing suit on and walked back out to the beach. There was a lot to think about, a lot to decide. And he smiled, as he glanced at her from the doorway.
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