I blink really hard and continue listening to the music for the few minutes I have left.
Jonathan tried to beg off from today’s meeting. Apparently he’s got a lot to do before Parents’ Weekend. I wouldn’t let him, though, and run to the chapel after first block is finished.
He slides his phone into his pocket. “I only have a minute. You’ve got to be kidding me about the KB.”
I lower my gaze to the floor. “We were on an MM—”
“Don’t tell me. The less I know, the less they can say I’m helping you out. And as far as the KB . . . I can’t get you one.” He at least has the decency to sound a little remorseful.
“What do you mean you can’t get me one? Only upperclassmen—”
“If I help you with this, they’ll think you can’t do anything on your own—that I’m going to bail you out every time you get in trouble. You’ll have to find another way.”
“It’s not like I can ask Matthews for mine back.”
“Well, you’re going to have to think of something. And you’d better not ask any of the cadets in your classes for one.”
“What? Why not?” But I can tell by the disgusted glare he aims my way that he’s heard something about me.
“You could ruin a lot more than your year here if you’re screwing an upperclassman.”
“If I’m what?” For a second I forget that he’s the cadet colonel and wind up to hit him. He grabs my fist in his hand, though, twisting my arm behind my back. I cry out. “I’m not! I’m not! Jonathan, let me go.”
“All I’m saying is that it better stay that way. The things Lyons is hearing about you guys is getting worse. If any of them are true and you’re hooking up with cadets—” He drops my hand and I shake my arm out, backing away from him.
“You know what? Don’t worry about the KB. I don’t know what made me think that you’d actually want to help me. No, if it makes you look the slightest bit weak, you’re not going to do it, are you? Never mind that I’m your sister, that I’m doing the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. No, Colonel McKenna has to be a hard-ass, just like Dad.” I push the door open and walk out, ignoring the command of my cadet colonel as he demands I stop.
When I get to the computer lab I log in to my email, ready to give my mom an earful—well, eyeful—of Jonathan’s latest asshole move. She’s beaten me to the punch, though.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: About Parents’ Weekend
Sammy,
I can’t come this weekend. Sorry.
Mom
I stare at the computer screen for way longer than I need to, reading the lines over and over again. She knows how important this first Parents’ Weekend was for Jonathan. She’s got to know how much I’m counting on her. But once I headed down the military track, I was never her top priority.
I log off without even bothering to respond. Whether she’s here or not, I’ve got a long night ahead of me preparing for tomorrow’s parade. I might as well get started.
“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong or are you just going to shine your boots all night?” Katie’s in the barracks tonight, for once. She’s starching both our uniforms so that we can iron them.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean you look like someone killed your freaking cat or something.”
I spit on the tip of my boot, rubbing it into the polish to bring out a shine that even Matthews won’t be able to critique. “It’s nothing.”
“You’re lying.”
“So what if I am?”
“Look, I know I haven’t been around much. I don’t mean to keep getting injured—”
“There’s a difference in being hurt and sliding through freshman year.” I want to take my words back as soon as I see the hurt on her face. “I didn’t mean that. I’m sorry. . . .”
“Of course you did. You don’t think I know I’m not doing as much as the rest of you?” She grabs the iron out of her footlocker and plugs it into the wall. “I know I’m missing training. You and Bekah have more friends than I’ll ever have. I’m going to recharge this weekend. I’ll be at a hotel, eat real food, watch some television, and then I’ll come back and be ready to be part of the company.”
I don’t even bother responding. The fact that she gets to see her parents . . . I can’t even.
“What? You don’t think I can?”
“It’s not that. I’m just having a shitty day.” I rub my boot much harder than I should. The shine transforms to a dull polish. I’ve ruined it. “Shit!” I throw my boot across the room and it thuds against the wall locker before hitting the ground near Katie’s feet.
“What’s going on, Sam?”
“My mom’s not coming.” I scrunch up my face, barricading the tears before they can fall.
“What?”
“She’s not coming to the parade, to Parents’ Weekend, to any of it.” My mom’s chosen her hatred of this place over me. I can’t win, no matter what I do.
“God, Sam. I’m sorry.” She presses down on the iron, the smell of hot starch filling the room, reminding me of mornings at home when Dad would get his uniform ready.
Standing, I reach for my boot and put it away in my wall locker. I’ll deal with it in the morning. “It’s not worth getting upset over,” I say, though the shaking in my voice probably makes it hard to believe. “I’m going to go take a shower.”
I grab my bath caddy, sign out, and walk quickly to the bathroom. At least in the shower I can let the tears fall.
Katie’s sleeping like the dead two hours later when I sneak out of the barracks and head to check my email, hoping maybe Mom will have sent another one to explain her earlier message.
Sam, I can’t come this weekend. Sorry. Mom.
No reason why. No Love at the end.
The lab is dark and I slink to the back to my normal computer. But when I log in, there’s no new email from Mom. Just Jax.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Subject: RE: RE: PW
Saturday morning. 2am. Bell tower by chapel. Come alone. (God, that sounds dramatic, doesn’t it?)
I know your mom’s not coming for the weekend. Sorry about that. I do have some info to share, so come, okay?
BTW, you’ve got them all stirred up about your KB. What the hell happened?
J
I shoot back an email agreeing to meet. Maybe when I’m with her I’ll be able to pretend to be human for just a few hours.
UNCORRECTED E-PROOF—NOT FOR SALE
HarperCollins Publishers
..................................................................
SIXTEEN
I CHECK MY BELT BUCKLE ONE MORE TIME BEFORE heading out. Today is my second time being inspected by Jonathan and the commandant. And it’s the Friday of Parents’ Weekend. I can’t afford to screw up like I did last time. But who knew the command sergeant major was going to make me drop and do push-ups on my way to inspection? I’ve wrapped rubber bands around my shirt stays—little pieces of black elastic that connect our shirts to our socks beneath our pants to keep our shirts from coming untucked—just to be sure.
I slip out onto the wall right as Matthews is making his way on deck.
“Good to see you decided to join us, McKenna.” It’s all I can do to keep from rolling my eyes. “You remember the drill. You’ll miss formation and head straight up to the admin building to get inspected. If you don’t win, the smoke show when everyone returns Sunday night will be in your honor.” He takes a step to the left and inspects Bekah for what I think is definitely too long a time, his eyes roaming down, then up, then lower again.
So. Gross. She needs to say something to Drill about that. That could give a whole new meaning to jumping the chain of command.
But I’ll keep those thoughts to myself. He hasn’t actually done anything that I’ve seen and the red blush on Bekah’s cheeks hopefully means she’s emba
rrassed, rather than enjoying the personal inspection a bit more than she should be.
“So, go!” Matthews’s voice makes me jump and it takes me a second to realize he’s actually talking to me. His eyes are focused somewhere near Bekah’s name tag.
“Corporal Matthews, yes, Corporal Matthews!” I turn and run before I get yelled at again.
The recruits from the other companies are already lined up and I’m breathing heavy when I make it to my place in line for inspection. I hate this part of Corps life—where what I do can negatively impact my company.
“Good morning, Recruit McKenna.”
“Sir, good morning, sir!” I yell into my brother’s face.
He winces and his eyes are red. Late night for the colonel, it looks like. I wonder if his responsibilities are getting to be too much for him. “Recite the honor code, recruit.”
“Sir, a cadet of Denmark Military Academy will not lie, cheat, steal, or tolerate those who do, sir!”
He nods, a sharp, crisp movement, but his heart is not in it. He used to love torturing me at home. What’s going on? “Very good. Now, let me see your KB.”
I pull Kelly’s KB out of my back pocket and hand it to him. He flips it open and studies the inside front cover for a long moment and the recruit next to me shifts uncomfortably. I try not to freak out.
“Recruit McKenna.” He sighs my name, like he’s our father, disappointed in me for some trouble I’ve caused.
“Sir, yes, sir!”
“This isn’t your Knowledge Book, correct?” He knows it’s not.
I try to give him a look that says I want to kill him, but his eyes are still on the inside front cover. Why won’t he look at me? I swallow around the sudden lump in my throat. “Sir, no, sir.”
“You do understand that a recruit is required to carry their KB with them at all times?”
What the hell are you doing, Jonathan? “Sir, yes, sir.” My voice comes out shaky and I force myself not to react. I can’t show him he’s freaking me out. The recruit next to me snickers.
“Then it appears you’ve broken a cardinal rule of recruitdom.”
I blink several times, my heart thundering. I don’t know how to respond to this.
“You’ll have to do tours to make up for it. Ten should suffice. Tomorrow and Sunday. Understood? And,” he says, pulling another KB from his pocket, one I recognize. How the hell did he get it? “Keep a better hand on your original Knowledge Book, understood?”
This weekend, even if Mom can’t come, is supposed to be the first weekend I’ll be able to really relax since the beginning of the year. Thanks to Jonathan, though, that’s gone. Marching all weekend with a rifle is going to be anything but the time away from this place that I need.
I reach out and take my old KB, sliding it into my back pocket with the other one. “Sir, yes, sir,” I say through clenched teeth, forcing myself to look straight ahead and not at him.
“Good. Now,” he says, stepping to my right and looking at the recruit next to me. “Bravo Company. Recruit Mills. Very squared away,” he says, actually sounding impressed.
As soon as we’re released, I bolt from the building. I don’t even care about the smoke show I’ve just caused my company. Matthews gave him my KB right now for a reason. Maybe he doesn’t know Mom isn’t coming? Or is there another reason? Something the Society is planning?
By the mess hall, Alpha Company is lined up and waiting for me to head in to breakfast. I double-time it and fall in next to Kelly, whose eyes are straight ahead, scanning lines in a Knowledge Book he magicked from some upperclassman.
“About time, McKenna!” Matthews yells. I’m sure even the squirrels behind the barracks jump to attention. “So? Did you win?” The sneer on his face tells me very well that he knows the answer to that, but he’s not going to let it go.
I meet his eyes. “Corporal Matthews, no, Corporal Matthews.”
“What was wrong with you this time?”
“Corporal Matthews, there was a problem with this recruit’s KB, Corporal Matthews.”
“Got that squared away, have you? Then get it out!”
I feel the weight of the extra book in my back pocket. When I get my original book out, I flip to the first page. But where I should be getting a brief history of the DMA, a giant X is drawn in black Sharpie, thick and bold, covering all but a few words and making the page unreadable.
“In order to read, your eyes have to be moving, McKenna.”
“Corporal Matthews, yes, Corporal Matthews.”
“Then get reading!”
I flip the page, but the same thing is on the next page, and the next one after that. On every page of the KB I’m forced to carry around, an X blocks the words underneath. It’s useless. What the hell? Jonathan couldn’t have known it was like that when he gave it to me, could he?
My breaths come in shallow gasps and the world tilts at an angle around me. Kelly glances my way, breaking his attention stance, and it’s almost enough to undo me.
Matthews glares at me for a second longer before shaking his head. “You disgust me, McKenna.”
“Corporal Matthews,” Drill says, stepping into my line of sight.
Just great, Sam. Let Drill see how weak you are—how you can’t even stand up for yourself against Matthews.
“Yes, Drill Sergeant?”
“Send the company in for breakfast.”
I want to close my eyes and melt into the ground. As if being chewed out by Matthews and disappointing Jonathan weren’t enough shitty things to happen before eight o’clock in the morning. Now Drill thinks he needs to swoop in and rescue me. My cheeks burn with embarrassment.
“Yes, Drill Sergeant. Alpha Company, dismissed!”
I don’t even hesitate, but break into a sprint to get out of the line of sight of anyone who has permission to yell at me.
Kelly’s waiting for me after second block, his wool uniform jacket zipped up against the cold. He nods toward the chapel and I follow, waiting until we’re inside before talking. The last thing I need is another reason to get the company in trouble today. “What’s up?”
“I just wanted to see how you are.” He steps toward me, then catches himself and moves back. “Sorry. I forgot.”
“It’s okay.” I reach into my pocket. “Guess we’re in for another smoke show Sunday night. Here’s your KB.”
He tucks it away. “They would have found a reason to give us one anyway. Don’t sweat it.”
“Easy for you to say,” I grumble. Sitting down in a pew, I pat the cushion beside me. “I haven’t had a chance to ask you my question since we left the library so fast the other night.”
“Okay,” he says, leaning back against the pew. “Shoot.”
“Tell me about that girl who came to the movie looking for you.” If I’m going to meet up with her and let her help me, I need to know who I’m dealing with.
“Who, Jax?”
I nod. I need some background on her before tomorrow night. “Yeah. She seemed to know you pretty well.”
“We’re best friends. Have been for years. We tried dating last year but it didn’t really work. She’s not really military-geared and she doesn’t understand why I’m here.”
“Isn’t that the story of our lives?”
“I guess so,” he says, then smiles. “Maybe I’ll invite her to one of the dances. When she sees me in my dress blues, there’s no way she’ll be able to turn me down. Not like I’m going to take you or anything. You’re my recruit sister. It’s kinda gross if you think about it.” He laughs, the sound filling the chapel and making me smile for once today.
“You calling me gross? That’s rude!” I punch him lightly in the arm. I want to know more about Jax, but we don’t have time.
“Thinking of you as gross is helping to heal my broken heart.”
“See? Rude! Get out of here. I’m fine and you’ve got an algebra test to study for. See you later, okay?”
He laughs. “I’m going, I’m going. See
you.”
I watch him leave, then shut the chapel door, leaning back against the solid wood.
“Recruit McKenna, it’s nice to see you.” Rev steps out of his office and comes toward me. “Are you excited to see your mother this afternoon?”
I shake my head. “I don’t get to see her.”
“She’s not coming?”
I barely have the energy to shake my head. “It doesn’t matter.” I brush at tears suddenly hovering, threatening to fall. “Even if she did come, I wouldn’t be able to do it. Jonathan gave me tours this weekend.”
His eyes go wide. “He didn’t.”
“Over the KB. Remember I told you Matthews would use it when it would hurt me the most? Well, Jonathan called me out during Commandant’s Inspection and gave me tours.”
His walrus mustache is working overtime as he gazes at the wall.
“Not only that, but someone completely ruined it.”
“Ruined it? What do you mean?”
I pull it out of my back pocket and hold it out for him. “See for yourself.”
He flips through, and I get a whiff of Sharpie even now. My jaw tenses and I have to force myself to relax. “Jonathan did this?”
“I don’t think so.” I brush at my eyes, annoyed that the tears are still falling. “I think it was Matthews.”
He doesn’t disagree with me and I’m not sure if that makes me happy or worried. “After the parade today, when everyone leaves campus, will you bring this to me?”
“Why?”
“I’d just like to take the time to look at it a little further. If you think Matthews had a hand in this, it could be . . . interesting.”
“Please don’t say anything, Rev. The last thing I need is for him to think I’m ratting him out.”
He opens the book again, looking at the last page and nodding, like he knew what he expected to see. “I won’t tell anyone your suspicions, but I’m going to need to see this again.”
“Please . . .”
“It’s not even about the DMA right now. Your father would have my head if I didn’t look out for you like I promised. You know how hard it is to fail your father, don’t you?”
“Fine,” I say, after waiting a second to make sure my voice is steady. “This afternoon.”
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