by J. M. Barrie
CHAPTER XXIII
TOMMY LOSES GRIZEL
It was not Aaron's good fortune to find Tommy. He should have lookedfor him in the Den.
In that haunt of happier lovers than he, Tommy walked slowly,pondering. He scarce noticed that he had the Den to himself, or that,since he was last here, autumn had slipped away, leaving all hergarments on the ground. By this time, undoubtedly, Elspeth had saidher gentle No; but he was not railing against Fate, not even forstriking the final blow at him through that innocent medium. He hadstill too much to do for that--to help others. There were three ofthem at present, and by some sort of sympathetic jugglery he had anarm for each.
"Lean on me, Grizel--dear sister Elspeth, you little know the harm youhave done--David, old friend, your hand."
Thus loaded, he bravely returned at the fitting time to the cottage.His head was not even bent.
Had you asked Tommy what Elspeth would probably do when she dismissedDavid, he might have replied that she would go up to his room and lockherself into it, so that no one should disturb her for a time. Andthis he discovered, on returning home, was actually what had happened.How well he knew her! How distinctly he heard every beat of her tenderheart, and how easy to him to tell why it was beating! He did not goup; he waited for little Elspeth to come to him, all in her own goodtime. And when she came, looking just as he knew she would look, hehad a brave, bright face for her.
She was shaking after her excitement, or perhaps she had ceased toshake and begun again as she came down to him. He pretended not tonotice it; he would notice it the moment he was sure she wanted himto, but perhaps that would not be until she was in bed and he had cometo say good-night and put out her light, for, as we know, she oftenkept her great confidences till then, when she discovered that healready knew them.
"The doctor has been in."
She began almost at once, and in a quaking voice and from a distance,as if in hope that the bullet might be spent before it reached herbrother.
"I am sorry I missed him," he replied cautiously. "What a fine fellowhe is!"
"You always liked him," said Elspeth, clinging eagerly to that.
"No one could help liking him, Elspeth, he has such winning ways,"said Tommy, perhaps a little in the voice with which at funerals werefer to the departed. She loved his words, but she knew she had asurprise for him this time, and she tried to blurt it out.
"He said something to me. He--oh, what a high opinion he has of you!"(She really thought he had.)
"Was that the something?" Tommy asked, with a smile that helped her,as it was meant to do.
"You understand, don't you?" she said, almost in a whisper.
"Of course I do, Elspeth," he answered reassuringly; but somehow shestill thought he didn't.
"No one could have been more manly and gentle and humble," she saidbeseechingly.
"I am sure of it," said Tommy.
"He thinks nothing of himself," she said.
"We shall always think a great deal of him," replied Tommy.
"Yes, but----" Elspeth found the strangest difficulty in continuing,for, though it would have surprised him to be told so, Tommy was nothelping her nearly as much as he imagined.
"I told him," she said, shaking, "that no one could be to me what youwere. I told him----" and then timid Elspeth altogether broke down.Tommy drew her to him, as he had so often done since she was thesmallest child, and pressed her head against his breast, and waited.So often he had waited thus upon Elspeth.
"There is nothing to cry about, dear," he said tenderly, when the timeto speak came. "You have, instead, the right to be proud that so gooda man loves you. I am very proud of it, Elspeth."
"If I could be sure of that!" she gasped.
"Don't you believe me, dear?"
"Yes, but--that is not what makes me cry. Tommy, don't you see?"
"Yes," he assured her, "I see. You are crying because you feel sosorry for him. But I don't feel sorry for him, Elspeth. If I knowanything at all, it is this: that no man needs pity who sincerelyloves; whether that love be returned or not, he walks in a new andmore beautiful world for evermore."
She clutched his hand. "I don't understand how you know those things,"she whispered.
Please God, was Tommy's reflection, she should never know. He saw mostvividly the pathos of his case, but he did not break down under it; ithelped him, rather, to proceed.
"It will be the test of Gemmell," he said, "how he bears this. No man,I am very sure, was ever told that his dream could not come true morekindly and tenderly than you told it to him." He was in the middle ofthe next sentence (a fine one) before her distress stopped him.
"Tommy," she cried, "you don't understand. That is not what I told himat all!"
It was one of the few occasions on which the expression on the face ofT. Sandys perceptibly changed.
"What did you tell him?" he asked, almost sharply.
"I accepted him," she said guiltily, backing away from this alarmingface.
"What!"
"If you only knew how manly and gentle and humble he was," she criedquickly, as if something dire might happen if Tommy were not assuredof this at once.
"You--said you would marry him, Elspeth?"
"Yes!"
"And leave me?"
"Oh, oh!" She flung her arms around his neck.
"Yes, but that is what you are prepared to do!" said he, and he heldher away from him and stared at her, as if he had never seen Elspethbefore. "Were you not afraid?" he exclaimed, in amazement.
"I am not the least bit afraid," she answered. "Oh Tommy, if you knewhow manly----" And then she remembered that she had said that already.
"You did not even say that you would--consult me?"
"Oh, oh!"
"Why didn't you, Elspeth?"
"I--I forgot!" she moaned. "Tommy, you are angry!" She hugged him, andhe let her do it, but all the time he was looking over her headfixedly, with his mouth open.
"And I was always so sure of you!" were the words that came to him atlast, with a hard little laugh at the end of them.
"Can you think it makes me love you less," she sobbed, "because I lovehim, too? Oh, Tommy, I thought you would be so glad!"
He kissed her; he put his hand fondly upon her head.
"I am glad," he said, with emotion. "When that which you want has cometo you, Elspeth, how can I but be glad? But it takes me aback, and iffor a moment I felt forlorn, if, when I should have been rejoicingonly in your happiness, the selfish thought passed through my mind,'What is to become of me?' I hope--I hope--" Then he sat down andburied his face in the table.
And he might have been telling her about Grizel! Has the shock stunnedyou, Tommy? Elspeth thinks it has been a shock of pain. May we liftyour head to show her your joyous face?
"I am so proud," she was saying, "that at last, after you have done somuch for me, I can do a little thing for you. For it is something tofree you, Tommy. You have always pretended, for my sake, that we couldnot do without each other, but we both knew all the time that it wasonly I who was unable to do without you. You can't deny it."
He might deny it, but it was true. Ah, Tommy, you bore with her withinfinite patience, but did it never strike you that she kept you tothe earth? If Elspeth could be happy without you! You were sure shecould not, but if she could!--had that thought never made you flapyour wings?
"I often had a pain at my heart," she told him, "which I kept fromyou. It was a feeling that your solicitude for me, perhaps, preventedyour caring for any other woman. It seemed terrible and unnatural thatI should be a bar to that. I felt that I was starving you, and not youonly, but an unknown woman as well."
"So long as I had you, Elspeth," he said reproachfully, "was not thatenough?"
"It seemed to be enough," she answered gravely, "but even while Icomforted myself with that, I knew that it should not be enough, andstill I feared that if it was, the blame was mine. Now I am no longerin the way, and I hope, so ardently, that you will fall in love, li
keother people. If you never do, I shall always have the fear that I amthe cause, that you lost the capacity in the days when I let youdevote yourself too much to me."
Oh, blind Elspeth! Now is the time to tell her, Tommy, and fill hercup of happiness to the brim.
But it is she who is speaking still, almost gaily now, yet with a fullheart. "What a time you have had with me, Tommy! I told David allabout it, and what he has to look forward to, but he says he is notafraid. And when you find someone you can love," she continuedsweetly, though she had a sigh to stifle, "I hope she will be someonequite unlike me, for oh, my dear, good brother, I know you need achange."
Not a word said Tommy.
She said, timidly, that she had begun to hope of late that Grizelmight be the woman, and still he did not speak. He drew Elspeth closerto him, that she might not see his face and the horror of himself thatsurely sat on it. To the very marrow of him he was in such cold miserythat I wonder his arms did not chill her.
This poor devil of a Sentimental Tommy! He had wakened up in the worldof facts, where he thought he had been dwelling of late, to discoverthat he had not been here for weeks, except at meal-times. Duringthose weeks he had most honestly thought that he was in a passion tobe married. What do you say to pitying instead of cursing him? It is asudden idea of mine, and we must be quick, for joyous Grizel isdrawing near, and this, you know, is the chapter in which her heartbreaks.
* * * * *
It was Elspeth who opened the door to Grizel. "Does she know?" saidElspeth to herself, before either of them spoke.
"Does she know?" It was what Grizel was saying also.
"Oh, Elspeth, I am so glad! David has told me."
"She does know," Elspeth told herself, and she thought it was kind ofGrizel to come so quickly. She said so.
"She doesn't know!" thought Grizel, and then these two kissed for thefirst time. It was a kiss of thanks from each.
"But why does she not know?" Grizel wondered a little as they enteredthe parlour, where Tommy was; he had been standing with his teeth knitsince he heard the knock. As if in answer to the question, Elspethsaid: "I have just broken it to Tommy. He has been in a few minutesonly, and he is so surprised he can scarcely speak."
Grizel laughed happily, for that explained it. Tommy had not had timeto tell her yet. She laughed again at Elspeth, who had thought she hadso much to tell and did not know half the story.
Elspeth begged Tommy to listen to the beautiful things Grizel wassaying about David, but, truth to tell, Grizel scarcely heard themherself. She had given Tommy a shy, rapturous glance. She waswondering when he would begin. What a delicious opening when he shookhands! Suppose he had kissed her instead! Or, suppose he casuallyaddressed her as darling! He might do it at any moment now! Just foronce she would not mind though he did it in public. Perhaps as soon asthis new remark of Elspeth's was finished, he meant to say: "You arenot the only engaged person in the room, Miss Elspeth; I think I seeanother two!" Grizel laughed as if she had heard him say it. And thenshe ceased laughing suddenly, for some little duty had called Elspethinto the other room, and as she went out she stopped the movement ofthe earth.
These two were alone with their great joy.
Elspeth had said that she would be back in two minutes. Was Grizelwasting a moment when she looked only at him, her eyes filmy withlove, the crooked smile upon her face so happy that it could not standstill? Her arms made a slight gesture towards him; her hands wereopen; she was giving herself to him. She could not see. For a fractionof time the space between them seemed to be annihilated. His arms wereclosing round her. Then she knew that neither of them had moved.
"Grizel!"
He tried to be true to her by deceiving her. It was the only way. "Atlast, Grizel," he cried, "at last!" and he put joyousness into hisvoice. "It has all come right, dear one!" he cried like an ecstaticlover. Never in his life had he tried so hard to deceive at thesacrifice of himself. But he was fighting something as strong as theinstinct of self-preservation, and his usually expressionless facegave the lie to his joyous words. Loud above his voice his ashen facewas speaking to her, and she cried in terror, "What is wrong?" Eventhen he attempted to deceive her, but suddenly she knew the truth.
"You don't want to be married!"
I think the room swam round with her. When it was steady again, "Youdid not say that, did you?" she asked. She was sure he had not saidit. She was smiling again tremulously to show him that he had not saidit.
"I want to be married above all else on earth," he said imploringly;but his face betrayed him still, and she demanded the truth, and hewas forced to tell it.
A little shiver passed through her, that was all.
"Do you mean that you don't love me?" she said. "You must tell me whatyou mean."
"That is how others would put it, I suppose," he replied. "I believethey would be wrong. I think I love you in my own way; but I thought Iloved you in their way, and it is the only way that counts in thisworld of theirs. It does not seem to be my world. I was given wings, Ithink, but I am never to know that I have left the earth until I comeflop upon it with an arrow through them. I crawl and wriggle here, andyet"--he laughed harshly--"I believe I am rather a fine fellow when Iam flying!"
She nodded. "You mean you want me to let you off?" she asked. "Youmust tell me what you mean." And as he did not answer instantly,"Because I think I have some little claim upon you," she said, with apleasant smile.
"I am as pitiful a puzzle to myself as I can be to you," he replied."All I know is that I don't want to marry anyone. And yet I am sure Icould die for you, Grizel."
It was quite true. A burning house and Grizel among the flames, and hewould have been the first on the ladder. But there is no such luck foryou, Tommy.
"You are free," was what she said. "Don't look so tragic," she added,again with the pleasant smile. "It must be very distressing to you,but--you will soon fly again." Her lips twitched tremulously. "I can'tfly," she said.
She took the ring from her neck. She took it off its ribbon.
"I brought it," she said, "to let you put it on my finger. I thoughtyou would want to do that," she said.
"Grizel," he cried, "can we not be as we have been?"
"No," she answered.
"It would all come right, Grizel. I am sure it would. I don't know whyI am as I am; but I shall try to change myself. You have borne with mesince we were children. Won't you bear with me for a little longer?"
She shook her head, but did not trust herself to speak.
"I have lost you," he said, and she nodded.
"Then I am lost indeed!" said he, and he knew it, too; but with agesture of the hand she begged him not to say that.
"Without your love to help me----" he began.
"You shall always have that," she told him with shining eyes, "always,always." And what could he do but look at her with the wonder and theawe that come to every man who, for one moment in his life, knows awoman well?
"You can love me still, Grizel!" His voice was shaky.
"Just the same," she answered, and I suppose he looked uplifted. "Butyou should be sorry," she said gravely, and it was then that Elspethcame back. She had not much exceeded her two minutes.
It was always terrible to Tommy not to have the feelings of a hero. Atthat moment he could not endure it. In a splendid burst ofself-sacrifice he suddenly startled both Grizel and himself by crying,"Elspeth, I love Grizel, and I have just asked her to be my wife."
Yes, the nobility of it amazed himself, but bewitched him, too, and heturned gloriously to Grizel, never doubting but that she would havehim still.
He need not have spoken so impulsively, nor looked so grand. Sheswayed for an instant and then was erect again. "You must forgive me,Elspeth," she said, "but I have refused him"; and that was the biggestsurprise Tommy ever got in his life.
"You don't care for him!" Elspeth blurted out.
"Not in the way he cares for me," Grizel replied quietly, and w
henElspeth would have said more she begged her to desist. "The only thingfor me to do now, Elspeth," she said, smiling, "is to run away, but Iwant you first to accept a little wedding-gift from me. I wish you andDavid so much happiness; you won't refuse it, will you?"
Elspeth, still astounded, took the gift. It was a little garnet ring.
"It will have to be cut," Grizel said. "It was meant, I think, for alarger finger. I have had it some time, but I never wore it."
Elspeth said she would always treasure her ring, and that it wasbeautiful.
"I used to think it--rather sweet," Grizel admitted, and then she saidgood-bye to them both and went away.