Graham careened into the hallway and slammed against the far wall. He tugged at his pants, face boiling, shirt askew.
Eli was still propped on his elbow. His breath just starting to return. Maya’s eyes seared into him, wild, but also like she was somewhere far away, at the bottom of a well. Her body shook, knees pulled up to her chest now, arms around them, not even trying to get her shirt on. She looked so terrified, not the girl who held his hand. What had happened to her?
It’s me. Oh God. He had happened. Almost killed her and now here he was again. A bomb back in her life. I’m sorry. He wanted to disappear, to disintegrate. The urge sent needles shooting through him.
“You too, freshmeat!” Janice hauled him up. “You should think twice before you associate with that asshole.”
Eli stumbled to his feet, not fighting her grip. He looked back at Maya. I’m so sorry. “I…” Words finally coming—
Janice thrust him through the door. He staggered and fell against the wall beside Graham, who was just getting his pants up—
Laughter from down the hall.
“Ew!”
Eli’s ankle throbbed. He shifted his weight to the other foot. Turned and saw three boys, two girls standing at the end of the hall. Two more now joining them.
Janice leaned out and addressed the crowd. “These creepers were spying on us while we were trying on costumes.”
Snickers. Delighted smiles. Whispers into ears.
Eli wilted in their wide-eyed gazes. Had to look away. Wanted to be nothing.
“Fuck you!” Graham shouted at Janice. “You fag bitch!”
“Oh my God.” One of the onlookers laughed harder.
Janice peered at him, incredulous. “What did you call me?”
“You heard me!”
“Go to hell, Graham! Just ’cause I turned you down for homecoming last year. News flash! You’re a gross tech perv, not to mention it’s now confirmed that you’ve got that little earthworm dick.”
Graham thrust up from the wall, wobbling and pointing at her. “You’re fucking dead!” he screamed. His face had passed any shade of red that Eli had ever seen. Eli was also the only one close enough to see the tears in his eyes.
Cackling from the chorus down the hall.
“All of you!” Graham twisted toward them, still trying to get his belt buckled. “You’re all idiots who don’t deserve to live!” Spit flew from his mouth. “I’ll make you shut up forever!”
A woman, the band teacher, Eli thought, came around the corner. “Whatever this is ends now.” She pointed to the crowd. “Go on. If your activities are over you should be on your way home.”
She stopped a few feet from Eli, Graham, and Janice. “Would someone like to tell me what’s going on down here?”
Eli saw Janice eye Graham.
“We were just—” Graham began.
“I’m such a klutz,” said Janice, suddenly smiling sweetly. “I was just trying on costumes for one-acts and completely knocked over the rack with the suits of armor on top. These two poked their heads in to help, but I was pulling my costume on.” She rolled her eyes. “Pretty embarrassing!”
“We’re sorry, we just wanted to make sure she was okay,” Graham added immediately, his chest still heaving.
The teacher eyed the three of them. “Ms. Mays knows you’re here?” she said to Janice.
“Yup, you can ask her.”
“I’m aware of that. And, you two, you’re on the Tech Squad?”
“Yeah, we were just on our way to change some lights,” said Graham.
“And Mr. McNaulty will confirm that?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
The teacher crossed her arms. Eli could feel her weighing what to say next. “Sounds like the three of you have a lot of cleaning up to do in there.”
“Nah, I got it,” said Janice. “I’m the only one who knows where everything goes.”
“We’ll just go get the lights done,” said Graham, pushing away from the wall. “Come on.” He tapped Eli’s arm.
They walked by the teacher, eyes down.
“Sorry for the disturbance,” Eli heard Janice say. He glanced back and saw her closing the door. How was Maya? He wanted to check on her. Apologize a hundred more times.
Too late. She hates me now. Why wouldn’t she? She saved my life and this is what I do? He’d hurt her a year ago and here he was hurting her again. She’d probably hated him then too, had just been acting kind to survive. You’re a bomb in everyone’s life.
Graham led the way up the hall, walking fast, unlocked the tech closet door. As Eli followed him in, he saw the teacher returning to the band room, but still watching them.
“Close the door,” Graham said quietly.
The closet was split into two narrow aisles, the metal shelving crammed with a disorganized array of lights and parts, boxes with wires hanging out, old dusty electronic equipment. Graham walked halfway down the first aisle. He calmly picked up a white cardboard box, plucked the lightbulb free—
Hurled it at the far wall. It exploded with a hollow pop, white shark teeth sleeting to the floor. He spun and slouched against the shelving, blew hair from his eyes, crossed his arms.
Eli stayed by the door, a screw twisting into the floor.
“Guess you’re really stuck with me now,” Graham said. “This will spread through school like a virus. Everybody loves an excuse to gang up on someone.”
“We shouldn’t have spied on them,” said Eli.
“Everyone is so stupid,” Graham went on. “Herds of zombies walking around this school. If those girls were dumb enough to do it in the costume closet, they should know what they get.”
They should’ve known we might be in the ceiling?
“But then everybody’s just looking for a reason to laugh at you,” said Graham. “They’ll never know what it feels like, when you’re not part of the group, when you’re better than that. When you can see what existence really is. You know what I mean?”
Um. Eli didn’t really follow.
Graham waved his hands around. “God! They think all this means something. Grades, games, awards, being popular. What a bunch of bullshit. They can’t even begin to comprehend what life really is.”
“You mean like suffering and pain?” Eli said.
That’s right. Eli’s neck tingled. The fingers rubbing up and down approvingly. Words he was supposed to refute, and yet they also felt like a relief. He had suffered. And here was Graham suffering. Maya seemed to be too. His mother, the meanness of those kids just now…
Graham’s face lit up. “Exactly. See, you get it, Eli. This world is a realm of pain, and no one is more cursed than those of us who can truly grasp it.”
“Grasp it?”
“The true nature, the infinite. So much of this world is beyond our understanding.”
“Yeah,” said Eli. He wasn’t sure he quite followed, but it seemed to be helping Graham to talk it out.
“If everyone actually got how insignificant we really are, then this whole world would be silent. But they don’t. They stay ignorant and dumb because they can’t handle the truth.” Graham shook his head. “It makes me want to die just so I wouldn’t have to listen to them anymore. So things could just be peaceful.”
“Maybe there’s a purpose,” said Eli. His hands drummed lightly on his thighs.
Good.
Except he didn’t mean it like that. Did he?
Graham crouched. Drew a circle in the dust on the concrete floor. “The only point of this life is to get to death, to get to the other side. Either there’s an answer over there, the real answer, or there’s silence, and then we’ll know there was never any point to begin with. Either way, it sounds better than here.”
Eli wasn’t so sure. He’d been in silence for years. Suffered so much that
he’d forgotten he was suffering. He never wanted to feel that again. Should he tell Graham that? But he didn’t want Graham to think he was disagreeing. Especially not when he was in a bad mood, like now. It was best to keep still during bad moods.
“Hey,” said Graham. “Did you even hear me?”
“What?”
“I asked you if that was why you tried to do it. Weren’t you blowing up the mall because you were promised salvation?”
God waits for his true soldiers with open arms.
“Sort of,” said Eli. “It was also to send a message. To wake people up.”
“Like to how we’re all controlled,” said Graham.
All are complicit.
Eli shook his head, the thoughts crowding in. “You asked out Janice?” he said instead.
Graham took a length of red wire off one of the shelves and started twisting it around his finger. “She was so cruel. Just brushed me off like I was a nothing. She’s as blind as the rest of them. Playing her little games. And now she’s messing with your girl.”
Maya’s not…
“I wish we could just kill that bitch,” said Graham. “Not yours. Fucking Janice. I can think of so many satisfying ways to do that.”
Eli searched for a response, but he couldn’t quite hold a thought, hard to stay focused.
Graham laughed. “If only, right? But it’s fun to imagine.” He finished twisting the wire. His fingertip had turned white.
“Yeah,” said Eli, just to say something.
Graham walked over and patted Eli on the shoulder. “You’re a good friend. Sticking with me. You’d think loyalty would come first in a friendship, but you’d be surprised.”
“Oh.” Had he been? But maybe their friendship felt stronger for Graham. He seemed to feel so much.
“Come on.” Graham grabbed a box off the shelf and headed for the door. “Let’s do the lights.”
You okay? Eli thought to ask as they walked out the door.
He tugged Graham’s arm. “You okay?”
Graham looked back. Smiled easy. “Totally. Why?”
September 24
“I don’t get what the big deal is,” Janice said, standing by the espresso bar at the Bauhaus café. “So a couple underclassmen saw your bra.”
“I know.” Maya tore at her thumb. Just agree. It’s easier.
Janice tapped the screen to pay.
“How much?” Maya asked, reaching for her wallet.
Janice waved her hand. “I got it. Your mom’s all out of money these days anyway.”
I can afford a chai. But she slid her wallet back into her bag.
“Or are you embarrassed because we’re two girls? News flash, nobody cares except our dads, and they don’t matter.”
“Yeah.” It was fine. Sure, she was just being stupid. Afraid of what people thought. Tentative when she should be brave. Blah blah blah, Janice.
Though Janice was right that if you took the individual event, you could see how it wasn’t that big a deal. It was when you added the looks she’d been getting since then in the halls, the laughter in biology, the hiding out in bathroom stalls, the hair smearing the sides of sinks….
Maybe it was also when you added Janice.
“Two pumpkin-spice chais,” the barista called, sliding the mugs across the counter.
“There we go.” Janice grabbed the drinks and looked around. “Where to?”
The café was packed, probably from the nearby university. Lots of study partners here and there. One big table in the main seating area was overflowing with a tabletop game. A few sets of Elliott High kids around too.
Janice huffed. “How about around the corner?”
“It’s crowded over there. I saw when we were walking in.” They’d passed by the front windows, and Maya had in fact seen that most of the tables on the other side of the café were full, but also:
That was where Eli was.
“Let’s just go here.” Maya started toward two open seats at the narrow bar along the side windows.
“Is there even enough room for our books?” said Janice.
“It will be okay.” From here, Maya could see Eli’s reflection in the front windows.
He was sitting with a young woman. Papers and a textbook on the table. Eli hunched, writing, while the woman watched. A tutor, Maya guessed. Seeing him made her tremble, made her crave the Serenitab bottle in her backpack.
You can never talk to him now. After the way he saw you? So pathetic.
And yet it hadn’t changed the dream in her head. In fact, she’d been thinking about him more, and she didn’t understand why, but it was all she could do right now not to check the window reflection every second.
“Who are you waiting for?” Janice asked. She dropped her bio textbook onto the bar with a thud.
“Nobody.”
“I mean, if you want to go find somebody else to be with, then just go already.”
Maya reeled in her gaze. “Come on.” She smiled and leaned over and kissed Janice, went for the lips, but Janice didn’t turn and so her kiss ended up just beside her mouth.
“That’s what it feels like,” Janice added.
Every movement forced, required. Maya’s insides cycling faster. She got her books out and laid them on the bar. Janice did the same and their notebooks bumped into each other and Janice’s fell on the floor.
“Uh, watch it,” said Janice.
“Sorry.”
“This is ridiculous.”
“Should we go somewhere else?”
Janice made a snorting sound. “Where, Starbucks? These are the best chais in Ballard. Apparently the word is out. If I ever meet the guys who made Yelp, it’s going to be dick kicks all around.”
Maya laughed. Actually noticed herself thinking that was funny and reacting, and yet still, everything with Janice under surveillance. Was it safe? Was she being stupid?
She checked the window again. The ghostly image of Eli watching as his tutor wrote something.
“Okay, so, the invertebrates.” Maya opened her book, got out a stack of index cards, and flipped through them. “I made cards for all the phyla, genuses, and orders, complete with little example critters.”
“Look at you.” Janice slipped on her glasses and tied back her hair. “It’s almost like you’re normal.”
It had felt that way, for two hours last night when she’d been making these. Feels less so when you say it. “Let’s start with phylum Porifera—”
Janice’s phone buzzed. “Hold on.” She read a message and smiled, her first one all night. Typed a reply.
Who is it? But Maya didn’t ask, shouldn’t ask. Prying. Nosy. Instead, she ran her finger over the classes of sponges.
Calcarea, Hexactinellida…creatures that stuck themselves to a rock and forever sucked in the water around them, taking what they could, no way to chase, fight, flee. Of no interest to the pretty fish or the elegant sharks. Could at any time be torn apart by a ferocious wave or suffocated by the tentacles of a starfish.
Janice tugged Maya by the biceps. “This is Mateo, who I was telling you about.” She held up her phone.
Maya tried not to wince. Under Janice’s hand, beneath her shirt, yellow-brown blotches the size of fingerprints. From when she’d pulled Maya into the costume closet. Unintentional. Of course. Another example of Maya’s shining weakness. But still…
The photo showed a boy with curly black hair, making a self-aware check-me-out face. Charming smile. Also shirtless. Other shirtless boys behind him.
“He’s at swim practice,” said Janice. “He and Lucas are both varsity, but they’re not jocks. They’re regular Renaissance men. Mateo used to do Tech Squad, but he quit because of how annoying Señor Little Dick was.” She let go of Maya and twisted to aim the phone. “Now one of you.”
Maya instinctively hunched over on herself. “I don’t—”
“Come on, I told him I’d send one. Why should he come to the dance with us if he doesn’t know what he’s coming for?”
I don’t understand why you’re setting me up with a boy when we’re dating.
Janice’s hand on Maya’s arm again, like that spot was a magnet, yanking her upright. “Jesus, it’s not a profile picture. It’s just a fucking message.”
Rag-doll Maya. Don’t be lame. She tilted her head and forced out a smile as Janice aimed her phone.
“Mmm, probably fix your hat.” Janice made a tugging motion behind her ear. Maya pulled at the fabric. “Better.” But then Janice’s mouth scrunched, and she lowered the phone. “Okay, don’t worry, Janice can fix this.” She dug into her bag and handed Maya lip gloss and green eyeliner. “Luckily he can’t see your sweatpants.”
“I thought this was a study date,” Maya grumbled, and immediately wished she could take it back.
But Janice was focused on her own selfie. The lip gloss and eyeliner just lying there. Expecting.
Maya checked the window. Eli was eating something. A doughnut? But his tutor was standing. Organizing papers. Don’t leave! she thought.
She grabbed the lip gloss and eyeliner and smeared it on as fast as she could. “Better?”
Janice looked her over. “That will do.” She held the camera out, put her arm around Maya and pulled her close. Shoulders bumping. Lungs constricted. “One more. Make it sexy.”
Fuck you.
Maya slid her grin sideways and narrowed her eyes. “How’s that?”
“Mmm, delicious. This dance is going to be so fun.”
Fuck you fuck you fuck you.
“Can we study now?”
Janice sent the photo, then watched the dots that indicated a reply was coming. “Just a sec.”
Maya shifted and picked up her index cards. There went the tutor, bag over her shoulder. Eli was still here, sitting alone. He’d put on his headphones, absorbed in his phone.
Janice giggled, her thumbs tapping away at a message.
Go.
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