by Cheree Alsop
Chapter 18
The cell phone Kaynan had given me before we left began to beep. He had given me a tiny wind-up charger and I charged it faithfully each night as I had promised to alleviate his worries about me returning to the forest. I called once in a while to keep in touch, but it had been over a week.
“Your turn,” Rafe said.
I laughed. It was always my turn. I answered the phone and was surprised to hear Grace on the other end.
“Hi, Colleen, how are things going?”
“Great,” I answered, but there was a tightness to her voice that made my stomach turn. “Is everything alright?”
“Oh, yes, of course.” She hesitated, and her warm, welcoming voice turned desolate. “Well, maybe not.”
I waited for a moment, but she didn't go on, so I guessed, “Is it Kaynan?”
She sniffed and my heart ached at the pain in her voice. “He doesn't sleep, he barely eats, and when I ask him, he brushes it off like it's nothing; but whatever happened to you guys at Base Omega changed him. I don't know what to do anymore.”
The images that the forest had slowly erased from my mind surfaced and I fought down a shudder of the wolf trying to fight free so I could forget them again. I met Rafe's eyes and he nodded. I took a calming breath. “When can you pick us up?”
“We can meet you at the gas station as soon as you can get there.”
The relief was so strong in Grace's voice that I couldn't help but smile. “We'll leave right away.”
“I'm so excited to see you,” she gushed, the warmth and kindness I always associated with her surfacing again in her voice.
“I'm excited to see you, too,” I replied. “It feels like it's been forever.”
“It really does,” she said. “And you'll be just in time for Christmas! Your parents are coming and we’ll be able to celebrate.”
A rush of excitement filled me at the prospect of seeing my family again. Rafe was already gathering supplies for the trip through the snow, and there was still half a moose left so the wolves would be fine by themselves until we returned.
I laughed inwardly and reminded myself that the wolves had done just fine without me before. I felt protective about them, like they were a second family I needed to watch over.
The mother wolf observed our preparations solemnly. When we were ready to go, she took my hand in her mouth and held it firmly, her golden eyes staring into mine. She then dropped it and walked to the back of the cave where she settled onto the pile of furs that made up my bed.
“What was that about?” I asked Rafe.
He smiled at her. “She's saying farewell. It's her way of showing she thinks of you as part of the pack.”
I touched my hand where her teeth had rested and smiled. “Thank you,” I said. I knew she couldn't understand, but it felt better than saying nothing. I waved at the pups, then ducked through the entrance after Rafe.
***
Mom and Dad reached Jaze's home the day after we did. Mrs. Carso was overjoyed to have such a full house for Christmas, and refused to send any of us over to Meg and Roger's, arguing that she liked having the house stuffed to the brim. Meg, Roger, and Nikki complied by bringing their own presents to put under the tree and spending the evenings with us.
It didn't take long to see that Kaynan's cheerful facade covered a deep depression. He disappeared from the dinner table before anyone was through eating, he went to bed early but paced the floors far into the morning, and his gaze was often distant and pained. I pulled him aside the second night and made him follow me onto the porch to talk.
“I'm fine, Cole, really,” he said with false lightness.
I gave him a droll look. “You really think that after all these years you can really hide how you feel from me?” I glanced at the house. “I'm not the only one who's noticed that something's wrong. Grace-”
“What about Grace?” Kaynan asked, cutting me off.
“Well,” I sighed. “She's worried about you. That's why she called us to come out. Christmas was just a handy cover-up.” I smiled. “But I'm glad to be here. I missed everyone.”
“We missed you, too,” he said. His eyes took on a sheen of sorrow. “I don't want to worry Grace.”
“Well, she's worried, and frankly, I am too. You're not taking care of yourself, you're depressed, and I can't remember that last time I heard you laugh.”
“Laugh.” He turned away and studied the darkening night. The shadows of the few remaining leaves danced in the moonlight. The breeze that toyed through my hair smelled of winter and frozen things, reminding us that a deep chill was yet to come.
I took a deep breath and held it, then let it out slowly. “I saw what you had to do at Base Omega.”
Kaynan stared at me, horror in his eyes. “You did?”
I nodded. “I saw each level, all of the terrible things they did there.”
“I showed you them when I was unconscious, didn't I?” But the self-loathing in his eyes answered his own question. “You shouldn't have had to see that.”
“Neither should you,” I pointed out. “But we did, so we have to deal with it.”
“How?” The pain in his voice throbbed against my heart.
I touched his shoulder. “By realizing how much we have to live for.”
He turned away, but I continued, “It's the same way I learned to control my phasing.” He paused by the corner of the porch and I could tell he was listening. I continued, “I had to accept what I had gone through and who I was because of it before I could find any control. Everyone kept telling me to stop phasing, to stay human, and to be the more acceptable side of myself. It took Rafe to show me that being a wolf was just as good as being human.”
“What does this have to do with me?” Kaynan asked with a bite of his old spark. He turned and leaned against one of the porch support beams to face me, his arms folded across his chest.
It made me smile to see the shadow of who he was. “Everything,” I replied. He rolled his eyes, but I kept talking. “You had to do horrible things, but your actions helped release people from their suffering. You saved children from dying and from horrible experiments, and you helped protect your loved ones from the horrors they were creating at those labs.”
Kaynan's voice was soft when he spoke. His dark red eyes took on a haunted light. “That doesn't make it any easier.”
“Does Grace?” I asked quietly. When he didn't reply, I said, “Because without you, she would still be there.”
He let out a small breath, then said, “There were also clones at the first center. They were all dead and decaying, their faces twisted in pain. I had to destroy them, too.”
My breath caught. “I had no idea.”
His fists clenched. “The thing that bothers me is the backup plan. What if there are more of us at that lab, left to die or being tested and tormented?”
I closed my eyes at the same thought that I had also pushed away because there was nothing I could do about it. Maybe I had developed more of the wolf's acceptance of fate than I realized. I sighed. “Then Jaze will find it or they'll find us. Either way, we don't know and it's not worth ruining your life over.”
“That's awful.” His voice was accusing.
“Worse than throwing away a good life with people who love you because of something that you can't even prove is happening?”
The question hung in the air between us and I gritted my teeth to keep from taking it back.
His brow furrowed. “I have nightmares.”
“I did, too,” I admitted. “Their faces used to haunt me when I closed my eyes, calling for me to help them, to fix them.”
“How do you sleep?”
I smiled. “Rafe sings to me. It helps with my insomnia, too.”
He pursed his lips and I thought for a minute that he was going to brush me off, but a smile touched his face. “I wonder if I could get Grace to sing to me.”
I laughed. “If she won't, I will. I'll record it and then you could
play it every night.”
“I'm trying to get rid of the nightmares,” he said with a laugh.
“Hey!” I pushed his shoulder, then smiled. “It's good to hear you laugh again.”
“It feels good to laugh.” He sighed. “But I still can't stand the thought of others suffering because of us.” His voice thickened. “You know, if it wasn't for that car accident they wouldn't have been able to fuse our DNA, and they never would have succeeded on their werewolf experiments. They would have had to give up eventually.”
I fought back tears. “You can't go through life hating your existence.”
“Can't I?” he shot back. I blinked, hurt, and he looked immediately sorry. He touched my arm, but I turned away. “Look, now who’s protecting whom?” His voice was probing, trying to get a smile out of me.
I wanted to stay mad, but I had never been able to stay angry at him. I sighed and turned back. “Grace tries to take care of you, but you make it hard.”
“I know,” he said apologetically.
“We just want to help. We're worried about you.”
He gave a small smile. “And maybe that's enough. I told myself I wouldn't cause anyone else pain. I hadn't realized how much I was affecting everyone.”
I frowned, not completely convinced by his sudden change of direction. “But you'll still have the dreams.”
“Maybe I just need to find my own way to cope with them like you did.” He smiled and it touched his eyes. “Maybe I need to visit your forest.”
“Come with us after Christmas?” I asked, happier at the thought.
“Do you think Grace will be welcome?”
I thought of the pups and how much she would love them. “Without a doubt.”
He nodded with another true smile. “We'll go back with you, then. Maybe you can help me find the escape you did.”
I held out my hand. “Deal.” He shook it and we both grinned like we were little kids again making promises in Dad's workshop.
Kaynan laughed and led the way back inside. “I still think your Barbies looked ridiculous in my truck.”
I shoved his back and laughed, “At least they fit.”
He grinned and we walked to the kitchen jostling each other like we used to when we were teenagers.
***
Opening presents on Christmas morning felt like a dream come true. My parents were there with Rafe and my brother, and we were surrounded by friends who cared about us even after everything they had gone through to protect us. I felt so warm and safe I never wanted the moment to end.
Brock and Mouse came over about ten minutes after we started opening gifts, their arms laden with presents of their own to share. It felt like coming home in the best possible way. I leaned against Rafe and he sat against the back of the couch my parents were sharing, their well-worn checkered blanket over them and Mom's feet nestled snuggly in Dad's lap.
Meg and Roger shared the overstuffed armchair and wore the matching sweaters Nikki gave them over their pajama tops. Jaze sat next to Nikki on the floor, a piece of ribbon wrapping in his hair and a bow stuck to his forehead. Nikki toyed with the necklace he had given her, a promise knot of which both their parents approved with only mild glances.
Mrs. Carso bustled between everyone with plates of cinnamon rolls and gingerbread men that had been decorated by all of the girls the day before. I made Rafe eat one I had shaped into a drooling, snarling werewolf. He, in turn, made me eat a chocolate cherry even though I told him I hated them. They turned out to be his favorite food and the first time he had ever tried them, so he was convinced I would like them as much as he did. He was only slightly disappointed when I didn't because there would be more left for him if he could keep them away from Brock and Jet.
Jet had actually let down his guard enough to step away from his usual sentry position. He knelt next to Taye while she wrapped a black and red scarf she had knit around his neck. He was actually blushing and he ran the scarf through his hands like it was the best gift he had ever received.
While I was watching him, Jet straightened and stared at the door. He then turned and glanced toward the kitchen, his eyes narrow.
“Something's wrong,” he said softly.
My heart slowed.
Everyone stopped what they were doing. A footstep creaked on the porch, then the door burst open and fifteen guys in bullet-proof vests, black masks, and carrying machine guns filed in. We heard the door to the kitchen slide open as well and footsteps followed along with Mrs. Carso's startled gasp. She was jostled into the living room and forced to sit down next to my parents. Nausea rose in my stomach and it was all I could do to stand still.
“What's going on here?” Jaze demanded.
“We've come for Colleen and Kaynan. The rest of you won't be harmed if you don't put up a fight.”
“You'll take them over our dead bodies,” Jet growled. He moved to grab one of the men despite the machine gun pointed directly at his chest.
“Jet, wait!” I shouted. He looked at me, his dark blue eyes wide. I glanced around the room. Mom and Dad stared at the men, their eyes wide with fear. Jaze leaned forward on the couch to shield both Nikki and his mother, his eyes narrow and anger at the intrusion clear on his face. Jet stood protectively over Taye, muscles tense as though he would snap at any moment.
Kaynan had risen to a crouched position, his hand on Grace's arm and his eyes on the guards. Both Brock and Mouse were in the corner by the plate of cookies. They had been laughing with Meg and Roger moments before, but all four of them now looked as if they didn't dare to move. Rafe had been in the process of opening the gifts I had picked for him, a hunting knife and a real backpack. His hands were completely still above the box and he watched me with concerned, calculating eyes, their gold shining brightly in the warmly lit room.
“Do you really want them shooting in here?” I questioned to all of my friends. No one needed to answer. We were badly outnumbered, and we didn't have a choice. I met my brother's eyes. “Kaynan, let's go.”
“Colleen, no,” Mom protested.
“It'll be alright, Mom,” Kaynan said in a tight voice. He squeezed Grace's arm reassuringly, then rose and walked with me to the door. Rafe moved to follow, but I shook my head. I tipped my head toward the room and he knew he had no choice. We wouldn't risk our pack.
Kaynan grabbed my hand on the way out the door and tightened his fingers meaningfully. I followed his gaze to his wristband and my heart tightened, but I nodded. We followed the guards in front of us to the lawn, then we both stopped. I bit the edges of the pocket on my wristband as Kaynan did the same. The guards started yelling, but I swallowed the two orange pills before they could stop me.
My stomach hurt; I didn’t know if it was from the pills or my fear of what would happen when they took effect. I grabbed Kaynan's hand and waited for the inevitable pain and death that would follow. He held my fingers tight, his own as tense as mine.
I closed my eyes, but nothing happened for several seconds. A sound began and it took me a second to identify it. Someone was clapping. I opened my eyes to see Agent Sullivan rising from an unmarked blue car parked near the driveway.
“I don't understand,” I said.
He shrugged with a grin. “You did as you promised and ate the pills. We now have reason to believe that given a similar, more sinister situation, you would truly end your lives as promised to keep more unethical and, frankly, just plain evil experiments from taking place.” He walked through the circle of guards around us and reached for my hand. I yielded in a fog. He lifted my wrist, unhooked the wristband, and let it fall to the grass. “We will interfere with your lives no longer.”
He unclipped Kaynan's wristband and tossed it next to mine, then turned to walk away. Kaynan stared. “That's it? You pretend to kidnap us so we'll commit suicide with fake pills, then you leave, just like that?” His voice rose at the end with an edge of anger.
Agent Sullivan turned back around with a gleam of humor in his eyes. “It cou
ld be worse. You could be dead.”
Kaynan leaped at him but I caught his arm before the guards could move to intercept my brother. “Let him go,” I urged. “It's alright. We're okay and everyone's safe.” My mind still reeled at the thought that it had been a test, but my heart was starting to pound a bit stronger at the fact that the suicide bands were gone. I met the agent's gaze. “So we're free? No monitoring, no suicide pills, nothing?”
He nodded, a kind smile on his face. “You can live your lives without fear of seeing me again unless something truly terrible and unexpected manifests.”
I rolled my eyes. “Reassuring.”
He winked. “Think of it as a great Christmas present.”
I glanced toward the door where everyone was spilling out onto the porch. Rafe stood by the stairs with a look of relief on his face. I smiled and turned back to the agent. “We will; thank you. Enjoy Christmas with your kids.”
He nodded and slid into the backseat of the blue car. We watched the guards walk back to their vehicles and drive away. Rafe came down the steps and stood behind me with his hands on my shoulders. “Suicide pills?” he whispered into my ear.
I shrugged. “I had no choice, and it was easier not to tell you.”
He sighed and turned me around. “Just promise me one thing,” he said, his golden eyes melting into mine.
“Anything,” I said softly; my heart raced at the heat that ran up my arms from his touch.
“Next time, you better make sure you get enough pills for the both of us, because there's no way I'm losing you again.”
He pulled me to his chest. I listened to his heart beat and smiled at the fact that I would be able to listen to it for the rest of my life. Snow fell in big flakes, catching in my hair and landing on the ground with a soft whoosh muffled by the cold air. I held out a hand and watched a flake land on my palm and melt.
Mom and Dad stepped out on the porch with Mrs. Carso behind them. The look of relief on everyone’s faces matched the weight that had been lifted off my shoulders at the removal of the wristband. “Colleen,” Mom called. When I turned, her eyes were bright. “How do werewolves celebrate Christmas?”