by Lotta Dann
Boozing is living a wild, crazy, blurry, detached and numbed-out life that is sometimes fun and sometimes sad and sometimes downright miserable (when you get to where I was with my boozing).
Sobriety is not. Sobriety is not grand gestures and exciting developments. Sobriety is all the little things.
It’s the lovely conversations at the end of a party, the quiet cosy conversations that are real and memorable.
It’s getting up at 11 p.m. to rub a sick child’s back and feeling so grateful to be fully alert.
It’s the delight in an empty recycling bin.
It’s driving home at midnight. I love driving home so much.
It’s hearing people talk about their own struggles and not inwardly running a mile, but listening, really listening.
It’s that beautiful moment after you’ve stared down a pang and resisted the urge to drink, it’s gone away and you realise it was lying to you and you didn’t want/need/deserve the drink after all. That is a truly beautiful sober moment.
It’s sitting with an inner calmness that blows like a warm breeze over your mind. (Okay, sometimes sobriety means dealing with woe-is-me thoughts too, but I’m trying to be positive here!)
It’s waiting, waiting for bad moods to pass, waiting for glum phases to end, waiting for the light to return. Knowing it always does.
It’s really appreciating a hot cup of tea, really appreciating each and every sip. Or really appreciating a small sweet square of chocolate as it melts in your mouth.
It’s looking in the mirror and knowing that whatever is looking back at you is real, not some blurry distant mirage.
It’s just the underlying beauty in the knowledge that you are sober. You are not a drunk anymore, you are sober. It’s that little gold nugget of truth that you tuck away inside and nurture.
I’m not sure what’s on the horizon for me next, but there is one thing that I can say with absolute certainty.
I am Lotta Dann, you can call me Mrs D, and I will always be Going Without.
Afterword
Mrs D Is Going Without (Day 771)
So today I finished my book. I finished with a flourish, got teary typing out the last line, then danced wildly in my kitchen to ‘Born This Way’ by Lady Gaga.
The sun was shining, the music was loud, and I was kicking up my feet, safe in the knowledge that no one could see me. I felt soooooo very happy.
My book will be the final step in my integration process. For quite a while now I have had a double life . . . the ‘real’ me (suburban housewife, mother of three) and the ‘online’ me (Mrs D sober blogger).
I have gone halfway to integrating the two me’s by telling more and more people in my ‘real’ life about my blog (scary as all hell but necessary). But only when the book comes out will I be fully integrated as one. All you lovely blog readers will get the full story behind this blog. Who I am, what was going on outside of all my posts (soooo much), and how and why blogging was so amazingly helpful to my getting and staying sober.
Sober blogging is the newest form of recovery, where people like me can reach out through the internet and find amazing support. Really, the book is about you—my warm, kind, supportive, amazing worldwide community of brave sober warriors. We know how amazing this blogosphere is . . . I want other people to know, too.
The book won’t be out until next year some time, there’s lots of editing and fiddling and formatting and stuff that goes on now, apparently . . .
Until then I’ll keep posting and sharing and being a part of this wonderful online world.
Oh, and one last thing . . . I FUCKING LOVE BEING SOBER!!!!!!!
Love, Mrs D xxx
Acknowledgements
First, a huge thankyou to all the team at Allen & Unwin—Nicola, Sue, Kathryn, Melanie, Abba, Susin and Lisa—what an amazing bunch of women you are. Thank you for looking after me. I’ve felt very safe in your capable hands from day one.
To all my wonderful friends—you all mean a great deal to me and I thank you for never judging me for boozing, and never judging me for not boozing either. Big love particularly to Anna Askerud, Robbie Beattie, Sarah Cobham, Emma Hopkinson-Sneddon, Kathryn Geddes-Marks, Sarah Gillies, Nicky Levet and Katy Pearce. I’m also particularly grateful to my test readers—Robbie Beattie, Jude Wallace and Sue Kerr.
I’d like to give a shout-out to our lovely and ever-expanding new community in Karori, especially the great teachers who’ve been looking after our boys.
To my lovely in-laws—thank you for being so welcoming to me from the moment Corin drew me into the fold. Special mention must be made of my mother-in-law Marg Dann and Corin’s twin sister Amy Evans—you guys are so special to me and your support is really appreciated.
To my three gorgeous, clever sisters: Brita McVeigh, Anna McVeigh and Juliet Speedy, I love you all very, very, very, very much. Sisterhood rocks!
Thanks Mum and Dad—Tina and Chris McVeigh—for always loving me, encouraging me and challenging me, and for instilling in me the belief that I could achieve anything I set my mind to. I only hope I can send my boys out into the world with such a great parental gift.
Finally to Corin, the love of my life. Thank you for everything, honey—everything. And to our beautiful boys Axel, Kaspar and Jakob, keep being awesome guys, and remember—everything in moderation!
Resources
If you think you might like to stop drinking yourself, here are some places where you can find help. Some of these websites are local to me; search around to find equivalent ones in your area.
My blog www.livingwithoutalcohol.blogspot.com. Not only do I post regularly about what’s going on relating to my sober lifestyle but equally (if not more) importantly I also keep an updated Blog List running down the left-hand column of my site that links to numerous other sober bloggers around the world. Click around and find the blogger or bloggers you most relate to. There are men, women, elderly people, young, single, married, students, executives . . . many, many brave people writing regularly about their experiences in getting sober. Join in the conversation! Read and comment or just lurk; however you choose to take part you will benefit from the warmth and wisdom that gets passed around the sober blogging community.
Alcohol Drug Helpline 0800 787 797. They are there from 10 a.m. to 10 p.m. every day to listen and offer support. And it’s free! Or you can text ‘adh’ to 234 and they’ll text you back to see how they can help. Their website www.alcoholdrughelp.org.nz also contains a wealth of information, including a directory that lists all publicly funded addiction services. These people really want to help, so call, text or visit them online.
www.likeadrink.org.nz This is a really powerful website for people who are toying with the idea of making some changes to their drinking. The site is full of videos of people talking about their own drinking issues, offers a facility for you to (privately) write out your own story, offers questionnaires to assess your own drinking and has links to numerous resources.
www.drughelp.org.nz This is a site rich with information and support for people who want to re-evaluate their relationship with drugs, including alcohol. Very user-friendly.
www.drugfoundation.org.nz Lots of great information on here about every drug under the sun, including alcohol. There’s plenty to read about the health effects, laws and penalties, dependence and overdose risk, and links on how to get help and what to do in a crisis.
www.hellosundaymorning.org Hello Sunday Morning is a great outfit dedicated to improving our drinking culture. It’s not for problem drinkers, but for people who want to pause for a bit. They have a slick social media platform and anyone can join in by committing to a period of sobriety. Once you’re in you can share your story, follow other people’s and interact with each other for support.
www.aa.org.nz Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship that has been running worldwide for almost eighty years. It works by members meeting face-to-face to share their experiences, strength and ho
pe. Members often follow the AA programme known as the Twelve Steps, which provides a framework for self-examination and ultimately (hopefully) freedom from alcohol. There is plenty of information on this site and a list of all the meetings that take place in different locations around New Zealand.