‘What? No! I had to take him to hospital.’ Lucy said, ruffling the parting out of his hair. ‘I told him it was okay to stay here after they let him out. It was late, Amanda!’ As she digested the unfolding storyline the doorbell rang. ‘I’ll get it.’ Lucy said and left Nick alone with her sister, longing for the toast she was biting into.
‘Lucy Caulston?’ asked a policeman at the front door.
‘Yes.’
‘We’re trying to locate Nicholas Green. We understand you were with him at St Thomas’ Hospital earlier this morning.’
‘Oh. Yes, I think I was…’
‘You think?’
‘Yes, I was.’
‘Do you know where he is now?’
Nick appeared from the kitchen eating a slice of toast; he saw the policemen and froze.
‘Give me my back my bloody t…’ Amanda said snatching the toast out of Nick’s mouth; she followed his stare and smiled grimly at the two officers talking to Lucy.
‘Bloody hell, boss!’ gasped Samoan Sam, a 6’ 5” brick house in a snug-fitting black suit. He was of Maori descent, hailing from New Zealand, some 2,000 miles from Samoa, but at some point his British schoolmates presumably felt Maori Sam didn’t have the right ring for a well-serving nickname. He entered the spacious, clinically-white Joshua Arnaud Art Gallery and found the owner unwrapping recently-delivered paintings in preparation for a new exhibition.
‘I know, I know.’ Josh said angrily, sporting two black eyes and a nose-splint. He ripped the packaging from one painting with spiteful gusto.
‘Broken nose?’ Sam asked.
‘What do you think?’
‘Tony said some guy hit you for no reason?’
‘More or less.’
‘You know who?’
Josh sneered, ‘Yeh. Sofia’s ex.’
‘Really? What she say about that?’
‘She doesn’t know it was him and I prefer it stay that way.’
‘Because she’ll see him as some sort of hero and you’ll be even further humiliated?’ he asked innocently.
‘No!’ Josh growled, ripping open another painting, ‘Because it keeps things cleaner.’
‘You want me to go in? Break some bones?’
‘Not yet, he’s been charged so we can’t get involved at the moment. What I want you to do is find out all there is to know about him, understand?’
‘Yes, boss.’
Josh struggled with the packaging on the largest painting propped against the wall, ‘That way I can work out how to get him back for this.’ he said, straining to open the tightly-packaged exhibit, ‘Hit him where it hurts the most.’ he added, red in the face. He released the packaging and stood up exasperated, ‘Can you help with this!’ he shouted at Samoan Sam.
‘Sure.’ he replied and tore it open with a single movement of his bulky arm.
Nick took a long tug on a joint and blew the smoke onto the polished marble headstone in front of him. He was sitting cross-legged on the grave, holding a can of beer and conversing with the slab inches from his face.
‘And that was the day I met Lucy.’ he said with a laugh which quickly became a wheezy coughing fit. He held the spliff up to the headstone, ‘It was easier when we used to share these, Mum!’ He took a delicate drag, ‘But I dunno… you always said special encounters have significance and something tells me that she could really help. Well, she understands me better than anyone else – all Konrad does is tell me to grow a pair and move on with my life – but she’s going through the same thing.’ He took a long pull on the joint, ‘Here!’ he said as he blew smoke onto the inscribed marble, ‘You understand too of course but I could really use a friend with this, know what I mean?’
A family of four passing through the cemetery noticed Nick sat in the middle of a grave holding a beer and joint and conversing with the headstone. The father ushered his two children along the path staring back in disgust.
‘But that was a week ago and she won’t take my calls or come to the door.’ he said stubbing the joint and placing the butt in a cigarette packet, ‘I guess now I’ve been formally charged I won’t hear from her again. I pleaded guilty at the hearing and now have to wait for sentencing; thankfully Konrad’s been helping loads. It’s my first offense but the bloke’s injuries were bad…’ he drew a heavy sigh. ‘…and we’ve been advised that I could go to prison.’ He stared out to the horizon, calmly contemplating, ‘I guess I should be worried but all I can think about is Sofia. How much I still need her, real or otherwise.’ he paused as emotion throttled his Adam’s apple, ‘Since you’ve been gone it’s the only thing that makes me feel alive…’ Nick got up, poured some beer over the headstone and tucked the marijuana and rolling papers into plastic wrapping which he buried beneath the soil at the foot of the marker. ‘Always a pleasure, until next time, Mum.’ he said as his phone began to ring, Lucy displayed on the screen. ‘Wow!’ he said to his mother’s headstone and eagerly took the call, ‘Hello?’
‘Nick?’
‘Yeh.’
‘It’s Lucy.’
‘Hey! Everything okay?’
‘Yeh…’ she said unconvincingly, ‘Look, can we meet? Are you free?’
‘Of course, where are you?’
‘I’m on my way home; I’ll be back in Camden…’
‘Oh my god!’
‘What?’
‘Lucy?’ he shouted.
‘Yes, I’m still here. Can you hear me okay?’
‘No, I mean… I think I see you…’ he hung up and called to the petit girl busying along the nearby path, ‘Lucy!’
She saw Nick waving and made her way over, shaking her head with surprise.
‘I don’t believe it! What are you doing here?’
‘Visiting.’ he said out-of-breath, gesturing to his mother’s marker:
In memory of
Gloria ‘Peace Warrior’ Green
1951 – 2013
Dedicated mother, committed lover, proud hippie
‘Nice!’ she said, unsure how to take the strange inscription. ‘Not nice that she died though, of course.’ she clarified awkwardly, ‘And what about your dad?’
Nick shook his head, overwhelmed to see her, ‘This is so weird! What are you doing here?’
‘I cut through here every day. It’s the quickest route to the tube station.’
‘So why did you call me?’
She paused, looking concerned, ‘Oh, I don’t know…’
‘Go on!’
‘Well, after the other night…’
‘Yeh?’
‘It dawned on me…’
‘Yeh?’
‘That you might be the only person who can understand me right now…’
He jumped in excitedly, ‘Exactly! That’s why I’ve been contacting you!’
Lucy continued to look sombre alongside Nick’s evident elation, ‘My sister said it was a bad idea to see you but I’m just really down right now and need a fix, if you know what I mean?’
‘Of course I do! My friends tell me the same thing! They don’t understand!’
She suddenly panicked, ‘I’m not suggesting you though!’
‘I know, I know, don’t worry. Obviously I’m not your type!’ he said with a grin, forming a pair of glasses with his fingers and thumbs. Lucy still appeared troubled, as he touched her upper arm she startled, ‘Look, stop overthinking things. This is perfect! I’ll be your wingman, you’ll be my wing… bird!’ he said as Lucy grimaced slightly, ‘We’ll go out together, meet lookalikes together, we’ll meet so many replicas we’ll never feel pain again!’
‘Nick…’
‘We’ll support each other… we’ll have a date for any occasion…’
‘Nick, stop a moment.’
‘I’ve given this a lot of thought. I reckon first we need to…’
‘Nick!’ she shouted, stress leaping out of her voice like oil spitting from a pan, ‘I’m sorry but I don’t think I can do this…’
‘What? No, come
on. This is a great idea.’
‘No, it’s not. I’m sorry.’ she said, moving away, ‘I’m really sorry… I can’t do this.’ and she turned and hurried off.
‘Lucy? Lucy, come back!’
‘Why you asking me, mate? I don’t bloody understand women!’ Konrad said, sprawled across the sofa, engrossed in a copy of Das Kapital by Karl Marx. Nick was sat on the carpet drawing in his sketching pad with a set of palomino pencils. ‘And neither do you based on how screwed up you are right now!’
‘Come on, mate, help me understand what I did to make her change her mind?’ he pleaded, fussing over pencil shading in his pad.
‘Suggesting you go out on the pull together to have sex with strangers?’
Nick tutted, ‘She came to me about that!’
‘Then as I said, I don’t know. She sounds irrational and flaky, qualities you don’t need in a friend.’
‘Well she is a woman!’ Nick joked as he erased the shading he’d been deliberating over; Konrad looked up from his book nonplussed then returned to reading, ‘It was just a joke, forget it.’
‘Already forgotten.’
‘I really need a friend who likes girls!’ he murmured under his breath.
‘I heard that.’ Konrad said from behind his book.
Nick put the pencil to his lip lost in thought, ‘I have to get her on-board somehow…’ he glanced across at Konrad, scratching himself through his trousers, ‘Any ideas, Kon?’
‘None.’ he shot back.
‘Come on, help me out!’
‘Look, will you leave me be! I’m bolstering the ole grey matter.’
‘With what?’ he scoffed, ‘Some conspiracy theorist nonsense about squirrels running the White House?’
Konrad lowered his book and glared with astonishment, ‘It’s Karl Marx!’
‘You’re a tree-hugger for the council you’re not a spotty student anymore! Why you even reading that?’
‘Tree planning officer, thank you.’ Konrad replied, sitting upright, ‘And I’m reading it because it warns of exactly where we are now; billions of people controlled by finance – run by a few – that absorb all the wealth and perpetuate immoral systems that benefit the top 1%!’
‘Bloody hell, mate!’ he groaned.
Konrad sighed and returned to his book, ‘Bunch of hereditary-privileged bandits!’ he muttered trying to find where he’d finished reading, ‘Not a chin or strand of humanity among them! I’m telling you, speccy bankers will be first against the wall come The Great Revolution!’
Nick startled brightly as if woken by a pleasant sex act; he pondered on his train of thought as Konrad pleased himself by miming a sniper firing at a line of bawling blue-bloods, ‘Konrad, you’re a genius!’
‘Eh?’
‘I have an idea. I need your help…’
‘I’ve told you, I’m not supporting this insane obsession of yours.’
‘Very last thing, just a phone call – and I’ll sign all your petty tree petitions for the next twelve months!’
‘Every one?’
‘Yes.’ he said tiredly.
Konrad bolted upright, ‘Great, because there’s an area of Hampstead Heath that’ll be developed unless we halt plans for a mini-village…’
‘Do you dream this guff up?’
‘I’m telling you, a Starbucks at every tree, that’s the agenda!’
Lucy walked into Paternoster Square in the heart of London’s financial district, a popular spot during lunchtime. She blew out her reddened cheeks as she looked around, sticky from travelling across town on a hot Monday afternoon, and unbuttoned the top of her blouse as she scanned the bistros and public benches. Nick suddenly appeared from behind a column.
‘Hi, Luce.’
‘What are you doing here? Where’s Konrad?’
‘Ah yeh, have to apologise about that, I’m afraid I used him to lure you here.’
Lucy looked at him with disdain, ‘Right, that’s it. I’m leaving…’
As she walked away Nick gently took her by the arm, ‘Wait.’ She glared impatiently, ‘Just look around for me, please.’
Lucy viewed the scene, ‘What am I supposed to be looking for?’
He pointed out individuals whiling away a sun-baked afternoon, each one dark-haired, besuited and bespectacled, ‘Your ex! Your ex! He could be your ex after a few stiff drinks! He’s a good replica. He looks nothing like your ex but is still worth pointing out…’ While Nick singled out studious-looking men Lucy’s mouth dropped; he proudly postured in front of her, ‘Welcome to your very own magical hunting ground – Speccy Shangri-La!’
Lucy marvelled at the hordes of potential prey on display, ‘A banker’s paradise! I don’t know why I never thought of this before!’
‘I know! The perfect gathering spot for London’s biggest nerds!’
A sinful smile flashed across Lucy’s face which quickly melted into apprehension, ‘Nick, you shouldn’t have done this.’
‘Why?’
‘I’m doing really well at the moment, I’m trying to stop all this and move on with my life.’
‘And how’s that working out for you?’
‘Fine.’ she answered automatically.
Nick put his face close and looked her in the eye, ‘Really?’
She pondered then crumbled into confessional laughter, ‘Alright, bloody terrible!’ she admitted, bowing her head into Nick’s chest. He brightened like an excitable child.
‘Right! Wait here!’
Lucy grabbed his hand, ‘Nick, what are you doing?’
‘I think that one looks most like the guy in the photo by your bed, don’t you?’ he said gesturing to a man in a grey suit leaning against a column; he was enjoying the warm sunlight on his face, occasionally pausing to eat couscous from a Tupperware. Lucy weighed him up:
HEIGHT: 5’11” – Slightly short – Likeness Match: 8/10
HAIR: Dark brown and perfectly parted – Likeness Match: 9/10
FACE: Fractionally rounder but otherwise very similar – Likeness Match: 9/10
GLASSES: Thicker-framed but close enough – Likeness Match: 8/10
BUILD: Slightly flabby belt-line but decent – Likeness Match: 8/10
ARSE: Indeterminable from this angle. Blasted pillar! – Likeness Match: n/a
SCENT: Indeterminable from this range – Likeness Match: n/a
OVERALL: WOW!
Lucy’s coy sigh was evident approval of Nick’s considered recommendation. He gave her a wink and casually walked over to the man and engaged him out of earshot from Lucy’s nervous curiosity; after a moment he peered over his shoulder and looked her up and down. Standing in her low blouse and elegant beige skirt and heels, her auburn hair loosely tied-back, she was the perfect vision of girl-next-door sexiness – even to Nick and his otherwise myopic tastes. The man nodded approvingly and Nick gestured him over; he placed his Tupperware in his briefcase and walked to Lucy, shaking in her Louboutin shoes. The man gave her an eager smile.
‘Hi, I’m Tristan.’
‘Lucy.’ she replied, her cheeks reddening.
‘Your friend said you’re interested in meeting later?’ he asked with a posh, confident tone. Initially angry at Nick’s boldness Lucy stirred to Tristan’s uncanny resemblance to her ex. She deliberated, finally giving in to the frisky temptation bubbling inside, ‘Yes.’ she replied.
As the couple spoke and exchanged numbers Nick took a seat on a nearby bench and removed items from his holdall. Lucy said farewell to her newfound lookalike and walked to Nick with a wide grin; he poured champagne into two plastic cups from a Laurent-Perrier mini bottle.
‘To a successful partnership!’ he toasted and she excitably tapped his cup.
‘You helped me so I’m going to help you! Anyone here giving you that feeling?’ she suggested. Nick smiled and tilted his head; without breaking eye contact Lucy gestured to someone over his shoulder, ‘The girl in the red dress? I knew it!’ she said touching his knee, ‘Be right back!’ and she
left to speak to the brunette in fetching ruby summer dress, sat on her own drinking coffee. Nick waited on the bench, serenely enjoying the splendid skyline and sipping champagne with devil-may-care smugness.
Lucy slumped heavily beside him, jolting him from his tranquillity, ‘She has a boyfriend.’
He startled at both her ninja-like approach and unexpected outcome, ‘Oh.’ he said sadly, somehow sure that teaming with Lucy would guarantee results.
She laughed and leaned close, ‘But she thinks you’re hot and still wants to meet later!’ she added, vigorously slapping Nick’s thigh.
‘Really?’
‘Yeh! She’s coming out with us later.’
Nick looked confused, ‘Us?’
‘Yes, we’re double-dating.’
‘Okay.’ he said disappointedly, ‘So me and…’
‘Lidia.’
‘Are going out with you and…’
‘Tristan.’
‘This evening for dinner?’
‘Yep.’
‘As a foursome?’
‘There will be four of us, yes.’
‘What are we having?’
‘Indian.’
Nick’s face creased, ‘Really?’
‘You don’t like curry?’
‘I hate spicy food.’
‘I bet Lidia is spicy!’ she teased.
‘I’m not eating curry!’ he insisted, ignoring the opportunity to engage in a more exciting topic of conversation.
‘Oh, don’t be such a girl!’ she said getting to her feet and straightening her skirt, ‘Right, I gotta get back to work.’ She ruffled his hair, ‘The Ashram on Brick Lane at eight o’clock – don’t be late!’
Chapter 4
Whiskey & Lies
The double-daters were sat on a table at the back of the Ashram restaurant in Whitechapel, Nick next to Lucy with Lidia and Tristan opposite.
‘Did you have to order chips?’ Lidia asked sternly as Nick tucked into a plate of fries while the others enjoyed spiced curries.
‘Yes, it’s terrifically embarrassing, Nicholas.’ Tristan added.
‘Please, just Nick.’
Lucy stepped-in, ‘It’s okay, remember he doesn’t like spicy food?’
‘He could have had a korma!’ Lidia pointed out.
‘Yes, or a pasanda; they’re both terrifically mild.’
Double Ex: A Romantic Comedy about Lost Love & Lookalikes Page 3