‘Sofia!’
‘Ssssh.’ she reassured, ruffling his blonde locks. ‘Police and ambulance are on their way, everything’s gonna be alright.’
‘Thank you Sofia.’ he said, snuggling into her ankles.
‘But I have to go. I can’t be here when they arrive.’ she said and tenderly kissed his cheek; she elevated to her feet and glided to the front door, disappearing like a supernatural manifestation of an epiphanic visitor. His heart somersaulted inside his ribcage; he wiped his bleeding forehead and stared after the door, half-expecting the angelic vision to return.
Act III
Chapter 16
Red & Alert
The short glass slammed on the surface with overzealous aggression; lemon slices jumped from the plate and slopped on the bar-top. Nick fumbled for the relieving citrus before shoving a piece in his mouth; he relaxed and enjoyed the soothing effects like applying a dock leaf to a nettle sting.
‘I hate tequila!’ he said through a bittersweet squirm, scanning the trendy club for any well-doers who may have seen his poor show of drinking mettle.
‘Girl’s blouse!’ Lucy said, expertly sinking her shot without the aid of salt and lemon, ‘That’s how you do it!’ She turned to her other squeamish-looking friend, ‘Konrad? Come on, your turn!’
‘Pfff…’ he protested through puffed cheeks void of colour.
‘Oi, you can’t miss a…’
‘I’ll do it.’ Nick said, stepping-in to help his struggling friend with gallant confidence. Lucy was impressed, she disguised it by maintaining an icy stare and gesturing to the barman that more be poured.
‘Hard to imagine he beat up two gangsters isn’t it?’ she said pointing to Konrad, wobbling on his stool. She turned and gave Nick a merry smile, ‘So many reasons for celebration at the moment!’ and she threw her arms around his neck and gave him a passionate if somewhat slobbery kiss; he recoiled and seized on the perfect opportunity to break-off.
‘Tequila!’ he interrupted, turning Lucy’s attention to the new shots on the bar.
‘Goody!’ she giggled and they turned to down the drink with minimal fuss and facial expressions. Lucy gagged slightly but thought she covered it well.
‘Oh my god! It’s them, look!’ Nick said pointing to a couple approaching the bar, ‘Toffee-nose and the tart! What were their names again?’ he slurred loudly.
‘Oh, I can’t remember… Quentin and Nadia?’ she blurted as the couple arrived beside them.
‘Tristan and Lidia.’ the man said as he nestled alongside to order drinks. ‘How are you both?’ he asked disinterestedly, trying to get the barman’s attention.
‘Oh, yeh!’ Lucy laughed. ‘Tristan and Lidia! Do you remember?’ she said to Nick, burning a hole in the back of Tristan’s head.
‘Yeh, I remember.’ he replied and turned his gaze to Lidia; his hateful emotions instantly reversed.
HAIR: Long and dark; good enough! – Likeness Match: 10/10
FACE: Blurred but great! – Likeness Match: 10/10
HEIGHT: Can’t tell, don’t care! – Likeness Match: 10/10
BOOBS: Fantastic! – Likeness Match: 10/10
ARSE: Also phenomenal! – Likeness Match: 10/10
LEGS: Smooth and two – bingo! – Likeness Match: 10/10
SCENT: Dirty! – Likeness Match: 10/10
OVERALL: Sofia! Sofia! Sofia!
‘Hey you!’ he said to Lidia with a cheesy smirk; Lucy noticed the testosterone levels rise a notch and thunderous jealousy fell over her. ‘Looking good there, Labia!’ he added; folding his arms, leaning back, and nearly falling off his stool. Konrad observed in a semi-conscious doze, also trying to maintain balance.
‘Lidia!’ she corrected, ‘Thank you.’ and she started to blush under the weight of his stare. Lucy felt disappointed by Nick, smitten at the sight of a typical Sofia lookalike; she regarded Tristan, the once-perfect replica of her ex, sizing every inch of his frame.
HEIGHT: Not Nick’s – Likeness Match: 0/10
HAIR: Not Nick’s – Likeness Match: 0/10
FACE: Not Nick’s – Likeness Match: 0/10
GLASSES: Nick doesn’t wear them – Likeness Match: 0/10
BUILD: Not Nick’s – Likeness Match: 0/10
ARSE: Not Nick’s – Likeness Match: 0/10
SCENT: Not Nick’s – Likeness Match: 0/10
OVERALL: Not Nick.
She huffed and turned to find Nick smiling at her and pulling her in tightly. Tristan and Lidia walked off with their drinks and found a secluded table far from their strange former love-interests.
‘I thought you were all taken with that girl then?’
‘Yeh, she’s hot… but she’s not the one.’ he said with a wink and slammed his tequila like it was serum for everlasting happiness.
‘Are you upset I got a bit jealous?’
‘Not at all.’ he said with a hazy expression, ‘If anything it makes me love you more!’
Lucy’s eyes illuminated, ‘Really?’ She wrapped her arms around him, energy pouring into her very being and lifting her somewhere giddy above the clouds. ‘This is the best week ever! If I find a job as well that would just be unbelievable.’ she said holding up her shot glass, and started to down it in one.
‘Oh! I got you a job.’ Konrad said through a disguised burp.
‘What?’ she garbled mid-tequila, burning the inside of her mouth.
‘Yeh, you’ll be organising a small concert with Corsica Coleman. Interested?’
‘Are you joking?’ she said wiping the splatter-marks off her long red dress with her hand.
‘We’re gonna save Hampstead Heath! Stage an environmental awareness gig with some cool new names and make a bit of a statement.’ he said with a proud drunken grin. ‘Some of Corsica’s people have a meeting about it next week.’
‘That sounds amazing!’ Lucy said, shining as bright as her dress.
‘She wants to meet you about it.’
‘Corsica Coleman wants to meet me? About organising a concert?’ Lucy felt a tremendous urge to jump for the stars, ‘This is the best week ever!’ she shrieked, unable to leave the floor in her high-heels, although the lack of lift-off did nothing to dampen her glee.
Josh sat dejected on the carpet, slumped against the bed – his hair and clothing unkempt, distress etched on his face – pleading with Sofia as she busied around the bedroom and en-suite gathering belongings in a sports bag.
‘Okay, baby, I admit, it went a bit far.’ he said with soft tears building, ‘I’ve been acting weird, but it’s done now. It’s all over, babe.’
‘You’re only saying that because your guys were caught!’ she fired from inside the wardrobe.
‘No, baby, I’ve been distracted and under a lot of stress – a lot of negativity festering inside.’ he said seeking sympathy. ‘Let’s take a holiday together; just you and me, somewhere far away, leave all this Nick nonsense behind us…’
‘That’s why you think I’m leaving you? Your pathetic attempts to bully my ex?’ she asked over her shoulder.
‘Isn’t it?’ he asked like a wounded animal somehow knowing the fatal shot was about to be fired.
She considered her answer and turned, looking down at him like a flaming goddess scolding a cowering sinner, ‘You’ve made Nick Green’s life hell; you broke Konrad Gruber’s arm; and Samoan Sam and Tony are going to spend the coming months looking at the walls of hospital rooms and prison cells – but the name that really sticks in my throat from this whole mess is Lucy Caulston.’
Josh’s shoulders slumped like a robot being switched off. He looked up with sodden eyes, willing a million apologies directly to her heart. Words, he knew, were utterly pointless, it was time to admit defeat on all counts and stop resisting the fall he’d setup for himself. For the first time in his life hereditary privilege, wealth and control over others couldn’t give him what he wanted and the frustration of failure was debilitating. He stopped clinging and allowed the long fall into darkness.
/> Sprawled beneath the Statue of Eros, illuminated by the neon signs of Piccadilly Circus, Nick and Lucy took in the glitzy late-night energy of London’s Theatreland. Gleaming black cabs carried scores of primly-dressed revellers to nearby homes and hotels, while human traffic on the West End pavements was relatively absent, affording them intimate privacy. The summer starry night shone as bright as the advertising signs splashing the streets with shimmering swatches of colour. It was like a picture book setting for a principal love scene; an analogy not lost on Lucy, absorbing every second like she was the leading lady in a romance story, twiddling with the hem of her dress and staring into her leading man’s eyes.
‘So!’ she started brightly, interrupting the pensive serenity of the moment, ‘We got Josh off our backs, I have an amazing new job and you told me you love me!’ she pressed herself against him and nuzzled into his chest, ‘Guess we’re getting quite serious, huh?’ Nick was paralysed to answer, his mind chose this inopportune moment to spring Sofia’s visit to the forefront; what about the feelings he had then? The long-held belief that Sofia was his soul-mate? He wasn’t sure what he felt for Lucy amid the resurfacing emotions surrounding his ex.
‘Yeh.’ he replied noncommittally.
‘I’ll never forget this night.’ she said with the broadest, sweetest smile she’d worn all year. Her flowing red dress and long auburn hair enveloped his shrinking frame, sucking out his certainty and leaving a nagging void of doubt. ‘I feel so happy, Nick.’ she cooed into his neckline.
‘Uh huh.’
‘I don’t think I’ll ever take his dress off!’ she joked. ‘Well… maybe later, just for you!’
He laughed and subconsciously wandered off to a different time and place.
It was somewhat fitting that Nick chose such a beautifully landscaped outdoor setting to paint his largest canvas yet – a whopping frame too big to carry, supported by a crudely-fashioned structure with wheels that served as an easel and transporter in one – but it was perhaps slightly odd that the scene should be dominated by tombstones rather than inspiring treelines or a glistening water’s edge. He propped the bulky frame along the length of his mother’s grave, intruding as little as possible on neighbouring plots, and set out the few items from his backpack; a large paintbrush, one can of black paint, two tins of red.
‘Morning Mum.’ he chirped to the headstone as he took in the fresh scent of cut grass and viewed the surrounding gardens, eager to start the job at hand. He opened the red paint and with the thick brush he thrashed around the canvas, joyfully skipping across its broad length and generously slopping paint in a state of artistic expression. Within minutes he’d finished both red cans and opened the black; he wiped the brush clean and carefully added sweeping strokes, outlines and incisive dabs to the imposing frame. Several minutes later and he’d finished completely; he dropped to the grass next to his mother’s headstone out of breath.
‘Ahhh, I needed that!’ and he enjoyed a moment’s sunlight upon his face before turning to dig up the marijuana hidden beneath the soil. He stopped when he noticed Lucy powering through the cemetery and ran to greet her.
‘Hey! What are you doing here?’ he said as startled her from her thoughts. ‘You’re not working at the moment.’
‘Yeh, but I still need to get the tube.’ she lied, thinking on her feet, ‘I’m shopping in town. What about you? I didn’t know you were coming today?’ she said deflecting the focus on him.
‘Needed an open area to paint that!’ he said pointing to the back of the huge canvas obscuring a section of the graveyard, including his mother’s area.
‘Ooh! Can I see?’
‘No, not quite finished.’ he said with a wink.
‘Wow, it’s enormous! And lots of red paint – what’s the theme?’
‘The Red Queen.’ he answered proudly.
‘So that’s for a long dress?’ she guessed, forming a visual in her mind.
‘Enough! It’s work in progress!’ he gave her a heartfelt cuddle and squeezed her waist tightly.
‘Where do you put them all?’ she asked as he coiled around her, still eyeing the large painting from over his shoulder and admiring the effort gone into its inception.
‘What?’
‘All these pictures and paintings you’ve been doing lately.’
He broke off the cuddle and looked at her seriously, ‘With all my others.’
‘And where’s that, dumbass?’
‘Obviously no room at the flat so I have to store them.’ he answered vaguely.
‘Well if you’re not interested in telling me…’ she said with her nose in the air, pretending to walk away.
‘Don’t be silly!’ He pulled her back, ‘They’re downstairs; we’ve got a storeroom in the garage. Why?’
‘No reason.’ she said with a smile, and they looked sweetly at each other. ‘Anyway, I gotta be heading off. New clothes aren’t going to buy themselves!’
‘Yeh, suppose I better get back too.’ he said gesturing to his erected art kit. ‘Will I see you later?’
Her face saddened, ‘Sorry, not tonight. I’m having dinner with Amanda, we haven’t seen each other in ages.’ she said apologetically.
‘True, suppose I haven’t spent much time with Konrad lately either…’ he pondered. Lucy pecked him on the cheek, bringing him back from his mental planning.
‘I’ll call you later; we’ll do something nice tomorrow.’ and she turned to leave, ‘I love you!’ she mouthed over her shoulder, forming a heart-shape with her forefingers and thumbs, and skipped along the path. Nick ambled to his mother’s plot, stopping to admire his large-scale artistic outburst with folded arms.
A well-dressed man walking on the path regarded the painting and artist proudly inspecting his own work, ‘Very nice that.’ he called as he passed.
Nick turned in surprise, ‘Oh, thanks!’ he offered with a friendly wave.
‘Beautiful woman!’ he quipped, returning the wave. Nick absorbed the compliment, allowing it to rest warmly in his tummy and fill him with momentary self-worth.
‘Yes, you are.’ he said to the painting, ‘Now to get you home.’
Rocking and swaying as Nick pounded through Camden’s streets, the huge canvas proved dangerously challenging as he pushed the cumbersome contraption over busy crossings and through crowds of people, building in numbers since his journey earlier that morning. He waited alongside scores of suspicious pedestrians at one crossing, drawing further ire when his rudimentary transporter capsized like a sailing boat, nearly flattening a dozen people and forcing them to scatter among the cars. The manly assistance of several well-doers was needed just to bring it under control again.
‘Thank you!’ Nick said humbly to two large men who came to his rescue. ‘Sorry!’ he shouted to the many others, hiding among the traffic and casting him hateful looks, ‘Is everyone okay? I’m truly sorry.’ he said wheeling the painting away with the help of the two men, balancing the flopping frame at either end and choosing to assist through common civil-decency, obvious safety factors and sheer amazement at it all.
‘Beautiful woman.’ one said to Nick as they pushed along a bustling pavement, parting the people like the bow of a boat parting waves.
‘I know.’ he replied.
‘So you’ve been well?’ Nick asked sympathetically, taking the remote control and lowering the volume of the documentary Konrad was watching.
‘Yeh, fine.’ he replied, glowering at the remote in Nick’s hand and under his control.
‘Corsica? She well?’
‘Yeh, fine.’ he answered, listening to the documentary’s intensifying narration.
Nick sat straight on the sofa, bouncing excitedly to regain Konrad’s attention, ‘And are you guys…?’ he asked with unsubtle suggestion. Konrad glared at him, grabbed the remote and pointedly turned up the volume. ‘Sorry Kon, I meant, is your friendship good? You keeping in contact over this concert thing and all that?’ he continued, stretching the small talk thin.
‘Yeh.’ he answered, ‘Fine!’
‘It’s an unlikely pairing!’ he confessed, slightly laughing to obscure its potential offensiveness; Konrad was nonplussed, staring at the screen. Nick snapped, snatched the control and turned off the television, ‘God mate! We haven’t spent any time together lately, I was only trying to… bond or connect or whatever it is.’
‘What do you mean? We see each other every day!’ he answered, surprised by Nick’s bruised sensitivity.
‘True…’ he pondered, ‘But not just me and you.’
‘Well, mostly! Lucy’s around sometimes, but she’s cool.’
‘So we’re good then?’ he asked, confused by Konrad’s flippancy.
‘Nick.’ he said intently, placing a firm hand on his thigh and looking him in the eye, ‘We’re fine!’
Nick wore a relieved smile and tried to engage with the documentary absorbing his friend’s concentration; after a moment he grew tired, ‘Fancy a pint?’ Konrad ignored him. ‘Try that new bar down the road?’
‘What I fancy…’ Konrad asserted, ‘Is to comfortably sit here and enjoy this interesting programme on global poverty.’
Double Ex: A Romantic Comedy about Lost Love & Lookalikes Page 15