I nearly spit out the French fry I had shoved into my mouth. “No,” I nearly shouted.
Cameron looked at Antonio. “No, man. It wasn’t anything like that.”
Antonio nodded but he was still looking back and forth between us with a puzzled expression as if he was trying to figure what was going on.
Why would anyone think Cameron and I had dated? The idea was absurd.
“I’m a little freaked out about the trips we’ve got to chaperone,” Sofia admitted. “Especially taking high school kids to New York City. That seems like a recipe for disaster if you ask me.”
Antonio made a dismissive gesture. “They’re sixteen and seventeen year olds. They’re going to be seniors in high school. It’s not like they’re little kids. I’m sure they’ll be fine.”
“I would be less nervous if they were little kids,” she replied. “Big kids can think of more creative ways to get in trouble.”
“You have a point,” I agreed.
Cameron cleared his throat and spoke. “These are kids from disadvantaged backgrounds. They had to work really hard to even be considered for this program. It’s an honor and it’s also a responsibility. I don’t think they’ll give us much trouble. I just don’t think they’d do anything to jeopardize their ability to finish the program and what it means for their futures. They’re not like spoiled rich kids—”
“Who have everything handed to them on a silver platter,” I interjected.
Cameron glanced at me and continued, “And then throw it all away because they don’t appreciate it.”
Both Antonio and Sofia were wide-eyed. I don’t think they expected him to speak that bluntly. What they didn’t realize was that he was the spoiled rich kid he referred to in his speech. He once had everything and he didn’t appreciate it. Now it sounded like he had lost it all.
When most of the other counselors started to grab their trays and head towards the exit, I figured it was time to get back to work.
“Guess lunch break is over,” Antonio said as he hopped out of his seat and grabbed his tray. Sofia followed him and that left Cameron and I seated at the table. I rose from my seat but then I thought I heard Cameron say, “Wait.”
He was looking up at me with his flat green eyes. He swallowed and I waited for him speak. “I never told you how sorry I was.”
I folded my arms over my chest. “Sorry for what?” I wanted to know if he was just sorry for my brother dying or sorry for what he did—or both.
He gulped. “Sorry for everything.”
“That’s not good enough,” I spat as I turned and hurried away.
***
The afternoon sessions were a blur. All I could think about was Cameron’s lame attempt at an apology. Sorry for everything. That was nowhere close to being good enough. I wanted Cameron to admit what he had done. I wanted him to take responsibility for his actions and his role in my brother’s suicide. He was alive and my brother was dead and I wanted someone to blame—I needed someone to blame—and I wanted that someone to be Cameron.
***
At dinner I saw Cameron sit at the table with the two sorority girls. Figures. They were definitely his type and I had a feeling he’d eventually make his way over to them. I found out their names were Rachel and Renee. They looked so perfect-in-every-way, I wondered what obstacles they could have possibly had to overcome to be working with the College Bound program. Dr. Jones had said that was one of the criteria for getting hired. Somehow, I didn’t think breaking a manicured finger nail, or having a bad hair day, qualified as an obstacle.
I placed my tray of greasy looking pizza next to Sofia’s. She had another salad and a yogurt. Antonio was brave and decided to try the lasagna.
As I plopped in the seat Antonio asked where Cameron was.
“How should I know?” I snapped.
Antonio looked like I had slapped him and I immediately felt bad.
“He is your partner,” he replied.
Sofia looked at me then looked at Antonio and pointed over to the corner table where Cameron was seated with Rachel and Renee. Antonio nodded in understanding then looked at me with soft eyes.
“Do you like him?” he asked. I thought it was a weird question coming from a guy.
“I hate him.”
I wasn’t even sure hate was the right word to describe my feelings for Cameron but it was the closest thing I had at the moment. My feelings ranged from revulsion, to bitterness and anger, to confusion and sometimes even fear. And I didn’t like myself very much when I was around him because of all the negative feelings I felt toward him. Sometimes I felt guilty about them, like I shouldn’t hate him as much as I did, like I shouldn’t carry so much rage against another person for so long. All of the negativity ate away at me, too. And seeing him, laughing with the sorority girls, made me feel as though all my negative feelings toward him didn’t matter anyway. He was going to go on with his life regardless of how I felt toward him.
“You know,” Sofia said. “There’s a fine line between love and hate.”
“Not in this case,” I blurted. “Believe me when I tell you this is all hate. There’s never been any love there and there never will be.”
“Whatever you say.” The way Sofia cocked her eyebrows let me know that she didn’t believe me.
“So, tomorrow is Friday, you know what that means,” Antonio grinned with excitement.
“One day closer to the kids being here,” I replied.
Antonio frowned. “It’s time for us to let loose and party.”
“I refer back to my previous statement. The kids will be here early Saturday morning. Do you think it’s really a good idea for us to party Friday night?”
“I don’t think it’s a good idea. I think it’s a great idea.” Antonio now had a big grin on his face.
Sofia turned to me. “Girl, you have to go out with us.”
I didn’t want to admit that if I went out with them, it would be the first time in my college career that I had actually done so. It would be the first time anyone had even bothered to ask me.
“You have a definite maybe,” I said finally.
“Aww,” Antonio protested. “You’ve got to go out with us.” I wasn’t sure why it was so important to him for me to join them. I would have thought he would want to take Sofia out on his own—just the two of them. Or maybe that scared him. Maybe he wanted me to be a bit of a buffer until he had enough courage to make a move on her.
“Okay,” I agreed. “But only because I don’t like it when you pout.”
“Pout?” Antonio scoffed. “Did you see me pout?” He looked at Sofia for assistance.
She held back a grin. “Maybe a small pout.”
“Seriously?” He put his hand to his chest. “You’re killing me. Guys are not supposed to pout.”
Sofia rolled her eyes. “Guys pout all the time. Believe me. I know. I have four brothers.”
Antonio looked at me. “So, what are some of the best places to hang out on Friday night?”
I shrugged. I truly had no idea.
“Where do people go to dance?”
I wanted to say: Do I look like I dance? But I held my tongue. Instead, I racked my brain to try and remember any places my roommate might have mentioned that she went on a Friday or Saturday night. Boogie’s? No, that wasn’t it. Bogey’s. The place I remember them talking about the most was called Bogey’s.
“There’s a place called Bogey’s,” I suggested.
“Let’s give it a try,” Antonio decided. “You in, Sofia?”
Sofia laughed. “Was that a rhetorical question? If there’s music and dancing, I’m there.”
***
By Friday evening, I was exhausted. Dr. Jones had put us through a full day of first aid and emergency response training. I wasn’t sure how I would have enough energy to actually get to Bogey’s let alone dance once we were there. But I had made a commitment to Antonio and Sofia and I didn’t want to let either of them down.
Came
ron didn’t say more than two words to me the entire day. I noticed him staring at me a few times, but when I caught him looking at me he quickly turned away. He continued sitting with Rachel and Renee at all of our meals and I imagined the two of them fighting over him at some point. I wondered which of the two he would choose. They were both blonde-haired, blue-eyed beauties. Rachel was a bit taller and slimmer than Renee but I thought Renee had sexier curves.
As I scanned the sparse selection of clothes in my closet, I was overcome with anxiety. I didn’t have anything to wear to a dance club. What was I thinking accepting an invitation to go out? And as I was so often reminded, I looked like a freak. Who was ever going to ask me to dance? The very idea seemed ludicrous.
A soft knock on the door startled me and I slammed my closet closed in disgust. When I opened the door Sofia was standing there with a small satchel.
“I thought you might need some help,” she said as she marched into my room.
“Come in,” I teased, as she was already making her way to my closet.
When she swung my closet door open, she shrieked. “Black pants, black skirt, black shirts. Do you have anything that’s not black?”
“My underwear.”
Sofia glared at me. “That’s the one thing that should be black.”
She pulled a bright scarf from her bag. It was a mixture of different hues of pink and rose. It actually matched my current hair color. “We need to give your wardrobe a little color and brighten you up a bit.”
“Maybe I don’t feel very colorful or light,” I complained. “Maybe my dark clothes are a reflection of how I feel.”
“This is going to be like Method Acting. Pretend to feel happy until you actually do feel happy. At least while we’re at the club. When you get back you can be all morose again.”
“Fine.” I grabbed the scarf and stared at it for a minute. “What do I do with it?”
Sofia looked me up and down. I was wearing black jeans and a short sleeve back top. She grabbed a black dress that was hanging in the closet and made me change into it. Then she wrapped the scarf around my waist like a belt.
“See,” she said pointing into the full length mirror on the back of my door. “You look hot.”
I thought hot was a bit of an exaggeration but at least I wouldn’t completely stand out as a total weirdo at the club.
“Now let’s do something with your make up.”
Sofia sat me down at my desk and laid out a bunch of products from her bag. Within minutes she had me completely made over.
“You have beautiful green eyes. They look so much better without all the heavy dark makeup.”
She dragged me over to the full-length mirror again and I examined myself. I was surprised at the transformation just a few changes could make. I did look lighter and freer. Not as closed and cloaked in sadness.
“Now if you’d let me do something with your hair…but that’s a project for another day.”
“Thanks,” I said still looking at myself. Maybe my mom was right. Maybe it was time to let go of my cloak of despair. It was scary, though, because I had depended on it for so long. Ever since Alex died.
“What are friends for? Now let’s go dance our asses off.”
***
When Antonio met us in the lobby, he whistled. Sofia did look fantastic. She was wearing a tight black mini-dress that accentuated all of her curves and she put a few waves in her beautiful black hair. I watched as Antonio took her in. I could tell he had already fallen for her. I wondered if Sofia even realized it.
“How did I get so lucky? I have the honor of escorting two gorgeous girls to the club tonight.”
I gave Antonio a dubious look. “You’ve got that half right.”
He frowned. “How can you doubt me?”
“I think you’re just being nice.”
“One thing you’ll learn about me,” he said pointing to his chest. “I always say what I mean and I mean what I say. I’m a straight shooter.”
Sofia grabbed Antonio by the elbow. “Okay, Mr. Straight Shooter. Let’s shoot straight to the club. How does that sound?”
Sofia winked at me and the three of us headed off.
***
The club was already packed by the time we got there and it reeked of stale beer and sweat. We all took the red underage bracelets for our wrists. Sofia and Antonio told me they had fake IDs but they didn’t want to risk getting caught and losing their jobs. They seemed to be just as afraid of Dr. Jones as I was. We were there to dance, anyway, so we hit the dance floor, which was already packed tightly with people.
“You were right,” Antonio yelled over the music at me. “There’s a lot of action here.”
He grabbed Sofia’s hand and pulled her deeper onto the dance floor. As I watched the two of them get closer and dance, I wondered if there was ever going to be a guy to take interest in me that way. Antonio couldn’t keep his eyes off of Sofia. He seemed to be really taken with her. I scanned the sea of dancers all moving to the techno-beat until my eyes landed on Cameron. He wasn’t dancing either. He was doing the same thing I was doing, participating vicariously on the sidelines.
I was surprised that he wasn’t in the middle of the dance floor, getting the crowd riled up. That’s what the Cameron I knew from high school would have done. That’s what I had seen him do at a number of school dances. That’s what he did on that ill-fated Homecoming night, right before Alex killed himself.
When Cameron’s eyes met mine I quickly turned away and saw Sofia and Antonio heading in my direction. Sofia grabbed my elbow and I tried to protest but she pulled me on to the dance floor with her and Antonio.
I attempted to lose myself in the beat of the music. I wanted to shut my mind off just for a few minutes—to forget about my shitty freshman year of college—to forget about my mother selling our house and moving and to forget about Alex’s suicide.
But I couldn’t forget. That was the problem. All I could do was remember. And the constant remembering was tearing me apart.
After a few minutes a slow song came on and Antonio grabbed Sofia and pulled her close. I watched as couples paired off and the remaining non-paired people, like me, exited the dance floor. I decided to get some water, so I headed over to the “Underage Bar” where they served non-alcoholic beverages.
I could feel someone come up behind me when I ordered my water. I turned to see Cameron standing a few inches away from me. I suddenly felt nervous. What did he want? I wanted for him to just leave me alone. I may be required to work with him but I wasn’t required to socialize with him.
“Can I buy you a drink?” he asked. I nearly choked.
“No,” I replied without thinking.
He looked like I’d slapped him.
“I’m having water,” I clarified. “It’s free.”
He nodded. He was staring at me and it made me feel very uncomfortable.
“You look different,” he said.
I wondered if that was good or bad but I didn’t ask. I really didn’t want to engage in conversation with Cameron any more than necessary.
“I like the belt.” He made a movement to touch the end of the scarf, where it was tied, but I backed away before he could.
“Don’t touch me,” I warned. I continued to retreat until my back was against the bar.
Embarrassment seemed to wash over his face. “I didn’t mean to—I—um—I don’t know what I mean.”
“What do you want, Cameron?”
He bit his bottom lip as if he was thinking about it. Then he just shook his head. “I don’t know,” he whispered. I wasn’t sure if he was actually saying the words to me or to himself.
“I’m going to dance,” I declared. I wasn’t sure I even wanted to dance but I knew I wanted to get away from Cameron.
I gulped down the water I ordered then threw the small plastic bottle in the recycle bin. I hurried back onto the dance floor where I joined Sofia and Antonio. They were now both drenched with sweat but still going
strong. The two of them really seemed to like to dance and they both had great moves.
I tried to get lost in the music again but it was so hard with Cameron’s words running through my ,head. You look different. I want to apologize. For everything. He made me so angry and confused.
When another slow song came on, I quickly exited the dance floor. I pulled the cell phone out of my pocket and glanced at the time. I couldn’t believe it was nearly eleven. I suddenly felt exhausted.
After the song ended Sofia and Antonio joined me near the bar.
“Do you want anything?” Antonio asked.
I shook my head. “No, I think I’m going to get going.”
“No way!” Antonio declared. “It’s still early. It’s not even midnight.”
“The kids are moving in tomorrow,” I reminded him.
He gave a dismissive wave. “Not until ten.”
“You two can stay. But I’m tired.”
Sofia shook her head. “You are not walking back to the dorm by yourself. No way.”
“I’ll be fine,” I assured her. “I’ve lived here for the past year, remember.”
I didn’t want to tell her that as many times as I’d walked back and forth from campus to the off-campus retail area, I had never actually walked there after dark by myself.
Sofia raised an eyebrow. “Are you sure?”
“I’m sure,” I lied. I was anything but sure. “You two have fun.”
Sofia gave me a quick hug. “See you tomorrow.”
“Bright and early,” I added.
As Sofia and Antonio headed back on to the dance floor, I took a deep breath and headed towards the exit. I knew it was probably really stupid to walk back to the other side of campus by myself in the dark but I was going to do it anyway. I didn’t want to be a burden on anyone, especially two people who actually could be the first two real friends I’d had in what felt like forever.
As I stepped outside I got a chill, even though it was still hot and humid. Then I realized the reason for the chill—footsteps echoed behind me. Panic gripped me until I heard a voice say, “Dee Dee, wait!”
After Alex Died Page 3