After Alex Died

by Madison, Dakota

  I stopped and turned to see Cameron standing a few inches from me. I instinctively took a few steps back to put some distance between us.

  “What are you doing?” he asked.

  The question struck me as odd. “What do you mean?” I replied.

  “Are you walking back to the dorms by yourself?” He seemed to have genuine concern in his voice.

  I made a point of looking to my left, then to my right, then I glanced behind me. “Yup, all by myself.” I turned away from him and started walking until he grabbed my elbow.

  “Wait,” Cameron ordered.

  I spun around again and glared at him. “What part of don’t touch me didn’t you get?”

  He let go of my arm but he held my gaze. “I don’t think it’s safe for you to walk by yourself.”

  There was so much I wanted to say. So much venom I wanted to spew. But I was too tired and Cameron actually looked so vulnerable. So, I just crossed my arms over my chest and waited.

  “I can walk you home,” he offered.

  “I’m not some charity case.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “I noticed your beautiful blonde friends didn’t show up, so you’ve got nothing better to do than to walk the poor lonely girl home.”

  He shook his head. “You’re really messed up.”

  Rage swept through me. “That tends to happen when you find your brother hanging dead in his bedroom closet.”

  Cameron cringed and he nervously gnawed on his top lip. “I didn’t mean to say that.”

  “But you’re the king of saying shitty things, aren’t you?”

  He gulped. “Can I just walk you home, please? You don’t even have to talk to me. I’ll walk a few steps behind you if you want. I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

  “Fine, whatever.” I was too tired to argue anymore. All I wanted was to get home and get to bed.

  I turned and started walking. Cameron stayed by my side and we walked in silence until we got back to our rooms.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said as he unlocked his door.

  “See you tomorrow,” I replied.

  Just before Cameron went into his room, I said, “Thanks for walking me home. You didn’t have to do that.”

  I thought I saw the tiniest hint of a smile cross his face but just as quickly, it was gone. “There’s still a lot I have to do.”

  Before I could respond, he was already in his room.

  Moving In

  Move-in day was absolute chaos. I found it difficult to believe that the six high school students assigned to our group could create such pandemonium but somehow they did. Luckily, each student was assigned to a single room because there were already conflicts that I was sure would escalate and having a place for each of them to have a time-out suddenly felt like a wonderful option.

  Cameron and I were assigned three guys and three girls: Lyle, Ryan, Hunter, Grace, Savannah, and Destiny. They had all just completed their junior year of high school but most of them looked much older than high school students and it was a little intimidating.

  Dr. Jones told us that some of the kids wouldn’t have parents dropping them off, which was kind of sad. Lyle had his older sister move him in. She couldn’t have been more than a few years older than me but she looked tired and worn down. Lyle was a big guy, probably already close to six feet and easily 240 pounds. I’m not sure why I was surprised but it caught me off guard when I noticed that he was wearing a Human Rights Campaign bracelet. Then I noticed his sister was wearing one, too. It made me wonder if Lyle was gay. Just as I was about to speak with Lyle’s sister, Destiny’s mother caught my attention.

  “I want to thank you for providing Destiny with the opportunity,” she said. She was a beautiful Asian woman who looked to be in her mid-thirties. Someone could have easily mistaken her for an actress or model, if she had been wearing nicer clothes. The outfits that she and Destiny were wearing had seen better days.

  “It’s my pleasure,” I said, even though I didn’t have anything to do with actually giving her the opportunity to participate in the program. I guess I already felt some ownership of the program in a way, even though it was technically still my first week on the job. The morning had been so stressful, it felt like it had been three weeks long.

  Destiny’s mother continued. “Please let me know right away if Destiny causes you any difficulty.”

  “I will. Thank you.”

  Before I could say another word to Destiny’s mother, I heard a scream. My eyes darted up and down the hallway for the source of the shout.

  Ryan and Hunter were playing catch with something black and furry and it looked like Destiny was trying to grab whatever it was from them while Grace and Savannah looked on and laughed.

  I hurried over to the group but Cameron beat me to them.

  “What’s going on here?” Cameron asked as he grabbed the black, furry thing in mid-air. I stood next to him and we both looked down at a pathetic looking teddy bear. The poor thing looked like it had been slept with for years. Its fur was matted in some places while in other places the poor thing had bald spots where the fur had completely worn away.

  “It’s mine,” Destiny stated reaching her hand out for the bear. She looked panic-stricken. Cameron seemed to sense the desperation in her tone and demeanor because he immediately surrendered the bear to her.

  Destiny pulled the bear into her small frame and hugged it. She didn’t seem to be much taller than five feet and weighed probably ninety pounds. She was dressed in all black, which I could relate to, but instead of going on the wild side with her hair coloring like I did, hers was jet black. She was also heavy on the eye makeup like me, or like I was until Sofia gave me a make-over. I kind of liked the new look, so I kept it—at least the makeup part. Looking at Destiny was like looking into a smaller Asian version of myself when I was a senior in high school.

  “We don’t take other people’s belongings,” Cameron announced. “Got it?”

  A few heads nodded and there were a few grunts as the kids scattered. They were going to in for a real surprise when they came face-to-face with Dr. Jones. I could hardly wait.

  The rest of the morning was relatively quiet, as the kids went into their rooms to unpack. I took the opportunity to take a quick break in my room. After being a loner for so long I already missed my alone time.

  I only had a few minutes of solitude before there was a knock on the door. I expected it to be one of the kids in need of something so I was surprised to see it was Cameron.

  “What do you want?” I asked.

  When I saw his face fall, I immediately regretted my tone. “Do you want to come in?” I offered.

  He looked unsure so I added, “Or we can talk in the hallway?”

  “I’ll come in,” he said finally.

  I took a few steps away from the door so he could enter. He put his hands in the front pockets of his jeans and rolled on his heels. “I thought you might want to talk about our initial impressions of the kids and maybe lay some ground rules for them.”

  “I have a feeling Dr. Jones will lay out some pretty strict rules for them to follow,” I replied.

  “Yeah, you’re probably right.”

  He continued rocking on his heels. He seemed to be uncomfortable.

  “Would you like to sit down?” I pointed to the chair that was next to the desk.

  Cameron made his way to the chair and sat. The chair wasn’t large enough to accommodate his height, so he looked like a fifth grader trying to squeeze onto a first grader’s chair. I took a seat on my bed and faced him.

  Cameron glanced over at Alex’s photo that was sitting on the shelf above my desk. He stared at it for a few moments and I wondered what he was thinking. When he finally looked back at me his eyes were wet and it looked like he was blinking back tears. That caught me off guard. I gulped and tried to maintain my composure. I wanted to stay on task. I wanted to talk with Cameron about the kids we were charged with overseeing
. I had no intention of talking to him about Alex.

  “So, who do you want to start with?” I asked.

  It seemed to take him a moment to realize that I was talking about the kids. “Oh, um,” he muttered. “How about Destiny?”

  “That bear seemed very important to her. Almost like a security blanket.”

  Cameron nodded. “What is it with girls wearing all black?”

  I glared at him for a long moment until he finally realized his mistake.

  “I didn’t mean—I’m not—I just…” He rubbed his temple nervously. “How do I always manage to say the stupidest things when I’m around you?”

  I wanted to say: you’ve said some pretty stupid things even when you weren’t around me but I decided to let it go.

  “I can only speak for myself but I wear black because it’s a reflection of how I feel most of the time.”

  He nodded and we both looked at each other. I had never taken a really good look at Cameron. Probably because I was so disgusted by the very thought of him. But in the nearly two years since Alex died, Cameron had matured. He was no longer the popular high school jock and he wasn’t the bully I had known either. He was different. Part of me hated the fact that he had changed because I wanted him to remain someone I could hate. I didn’t want him to be a human being with dimensions and shades of gray. I wanted everything to be black and white. I wanted him to still be the stereotypical jock I could use as a target for my anger and someone I could blame for Alex’s death.

  “What about when you don’t feel that way?” he asked. “Dark, I mean. Do you have a pink top hiding somewhere in your closet? Maybe a green dress that you sneak around in once in a while?”

  I didn’t think it was possible but Cameron Connelly actually made me smile.

  “No, I don’t have anything in my closet that isn’t black but I’m not opposed to the idea, just so you know.”

  Cameron gave me a slight grin. “Good to know.”

  “So, if we’re done talking about my clothing choices, maybe we can get back to the kids?”

  He nodded. “I think Ryan and Hunter are going to be a handful. They have trouble written all over them.”

  “Hmm, do they remind you of anyone, perhaps?”

  He frowned.

  “Oh, come on. They look like popular jocks.”

  Now he raised a finger. “I thought we’d already established that looks can be deceiving.”

  I folded my arms across my chest. “Care to make a wager on that?”

  “No, you’re probably right.”

  “I say those two boys are football players. And I say Grace and Savannah are cheerleaders.”

  “So what about Lyle?” Cameron asked.

  I had a feeling Lyle was gay but I didn’t want to express that to Cameron. I was suddenly uncomfortable. Everything that Cameron and his friends had said and done to my brother ran through my mind like a never-ending play-loop. I wanted so badly for that play-loop to stop but it never did.

  I glanced over at the clock. “It’s getting late. We have to get the kids rounded up and over to Meriam Hall for their Welcome session.”

  “Okay,” Cameron said as he rose from the chair. He seemed a little confused or maybe taken off guard by my sudden change of direction. “Maybe we can talk more later?”

  “Sure,” I agreed as the two of us headed out of my room.

  ***

  I stared into the sea of young faces staring back at me. All of the program participants were seated in the classroom and all of the counselors were standing in front of the class with Dr. Jones.

  Several of the kids looked eager, maybe too eager, a few others looked scared to death. Was it only two years ago that I was in their shoes? It didn’t seem possible that I was ever that young and innocent. The summer before my senior year of high school, I had felt like I had the whole world ahead of me and my future was bright. Then, a few months later, everything changed. After Alex died my world turned black and clouded by the dark fog of death that still hadn’t completely lifted.

  Two years was a long time to be in a state of depression.

  Dr. Jones stepped up to the podium and began what I was sure was a rehearsed speech. She was animated and tough. She told the kids how important it was to get an education. That most people without a degree couldn’t hope for more than minimum wage jobs. She talked about the state of the economy and how in a post-industrial world, only the educated could get ahead. If I hadn’t already been in school, her speech would have motivated me to attend college.

  “The College Bound Program is a bridge,” Dr. Jones stated. “It’s a bridge that will take you from where you are to where you want to be. It’s an opportunity to develop the skills and foundation for success in college and beyond.”

  Dr. Jones made a point of looking several students in the eye. I could see them quickly turn away from her gaze. She was tough and they all looked intimidated.

  “The College Bound Program isn’t going to be easy but it will be rewarding. Nothing worth having is ever easy and the biggest challenges in life usually bring the biggest rewards.”

  When I snuck a quick glance at Cameron, he was staring at me. Why? Why wasn’t he looking at Dr. Jones or the kids or the cute blonde counselors? Why was he looking at me? The corners of his mouth upturned ever-so-slightly and I quickly looked away. When I glanced at Sofia, she was giving me a strange look. She raised an eyebrow and I just shrugged. I knew she was going to ask what had happened between me and Cameron and eventually I would have to tell her the whole sordid story.

  Dr. Jones continued with her opening speech and the kids seemed to be hanging on her every word. She had that way with people. If she hadn’t become a university program administrator, she would have made a fantastic politician.

  “And now for the rules,” Dr. Jones said.

  I heard a few moans and several kids rolled their eyes.

  “No eye rolling.” Dr. Jones looked directly at one of the offenders, a small girl who immediately started squirming in her seat.

  “No moans, groans or exaggerated sighs. Keep your opinions to yourself unless you’re asked a direct question and then I expected a direct answer, such as Yes, Dr. Jones.”

  This time Dr. Jones’s eyes fell on Ryan and Hunter. I could see she was already sizing up the pair. I was glad to see the boys nod in agreement and Dr. Jones moved on.

  “Your packets contain a list of Unforgiveable Infractions. That means if you’re caught engaging in any of the activities on the list, you will be immediately expelled from the program, no questions asked. You are all under the age of 18. You are not adults and you are under our care. We take our role as guardians of your safety and well-being very seriously. Is that understood?”

  A dead silence overtook the auditorium as the kids stared at Dr. Jones in terror. A few of the kids in the front row seemed to be visibly shaking.

  “Is that understood?” Dr. Jones repeated.

  Nothing. They all looked at her wide-eyed, seemingly afraid to make a mistake and say or do the wrong thing.

  “When I ask a question, I expect a response. In this case, Yes, Dr. Jones would be an appropriate response.”

  Dr. Jones scanned the group. “So, I’ll try again. Is that understood?”

  “Yes, Dr. Jones,” the kids all replied in unison.

  “You’ve all been assigned two counselors, one male and one female. I expect you to treat your counselors with the same level of obedience and respect with which you treat me. Is that understood?”

  “Yes, Dr. Jones,” the kids replied again. They were quickly getting the hang of it.

  “On Monday, you’ll begin your classes. They are designed to prepare you for the rigors of college-level writing, quantitative analysis, critical thinking and research. The classes run from 9 a.m. to 3 p.m. with a break for lunch. You’re expected to study in the afternoon until dinner break and then the evenings are devoted to socialization and appropriate leisure activities. You have a list of app
roved activities in your packet. We have planned cultural activities every weekend and you are required to participate, no exceptions.”

  Dr. Jones told us we weren’t required to attend classes with our group but it was recommended because we were expected to serve as tutors if the students had difficulty. In order to be selected for the College Bound program, a student had to be in the top or his or her class, they had to be from an economically disadvantaged background and they had to be first-generation in college, meaning neither of their parents had a college degree.

  The program was extremely competitive. Most of the kids who completed the College Bound Program were accepted into elite universities. I didn’t know how much I could help them if they needed tutoring. I always did well in school but I certainly wasn’t at the top of my class like these kids. I still wanted to attend the classes, though, if only for my own education. I always liked school and loved to learn.

  ***

  The kids spent Saturday afternoon engaging in more orientation training with Dr. Jones, while the counselors set up the cafeteria for the Welcome Party. We had a budget of only two hundred dollars, and that included pizzas and soda, so we had to be creative with the decorations. We handmade some welcome banners and got streamers and balloons.

  I noticed that Renee and Rachel went right over to Cameron to “help” him decorate his banner but it was more like fawning all over him. Not that I cared.

  I worked on some smaller signs while Sofia and Antonio tried to hang the banner we had made. When I saw they were struggling, I hurried over to grab the center, which was flopping but ran right into Cameron, who had hurried to help them at the same time.

  “I’ve got it,” we both stated as our bodies collided and I could feel Cameron grab me before I fell on my ass.

  The banner fell to the ground as both Sofia and Antonio tried to come to my rescue.

  “Are you okay?” I heard Sofia say in my still dazed state.

  “I’m so sorry,” Cameron said. “I was so focused on the banner, I didn’t see you until it was too late.”