“What did Dr. Jones say about it?” I asked.
“She wants us to do a presentation today.”
“Today?” I nearly screamed. I shook my head. “There’s no way I can talk about it today.”
“Why not?”
“I just can’t.” I stood and tried to leave but Cameron grabbed my elbow.
“Don’t go,” he said.
“Then don’t make me talk about things I don’t want to talk about.”
“But we have an opportunity to make an impact on these kids. So they don’t have to go through what we’ve gone through.”
“And just what have you gone through?” I demanded incredulous.
Cameron’s eyes narrowed. “My life was completely and totally ruined.”
“At least you have a life,” I scoffed. “My brother is dead.”
“And how long are you going to be someone who defines her life by someone else’s death?”
I could feel my blood boil and my face grow hot. I noticed Antonio had stopped eating and was staring at me. Sofia’s eyes were fixed on Cameron. Both of their mouths were gaping.
“You’re a real asshole,” I shot back as quietly as I could considering how angry I was. I didn’t want to break Dr. Jones’s rule of no profanity. I felt like slapping him but I didn’t want to make too much of a display in front of the kids who had slowly filled up the cafeteria while we were talking. “I don’t know why you even bother to talk to me,” I spat. “You seem to think I’m stuck on Alex’s suicide. Why don’t you just leave me alone and let me define myself by his death?”
He shook his head. “I won’t let you.”
“I don’t need your permission and I don’t need your blessing.” I threw his words right back at him.
He let out one stiff laugh. “But you obviously can use my support.”
“I don’t want anything from you,” I hissed.
“You don’t have to be this way.” Cameron gave me a pleading look. “I remember what you were like before—um—before any of this happened.”
“You mean before Alex hung himself. Say it. I want you to say it.”
Cameron averted my gaze and set his jaw. “Before Alex killed himself.” His words were cold, devoid of emotion.
“Look at me,” I demanded.
When Cameron’s eyes met mine, I could see they were wet. “You were so young, and beautiful, and innocent,” he whispered. “I feel like I stole that from you.”
Now I was the one to let out a stiff laugh. “You stole a lot more than that.”
“I wish I could do or say something, anything, to take away your pain but I know I can’t and I’m sorry for that.”
“Save your pity, Cameron,” I muttered as I started away.
“Let her go,” I heard Antonio say as I headed toward the exit.
***
I guess Cameron decided against his bullying lecture because it didn’t happen on Monday. Cameron kept his distance from me and I was glad for the reprieve. Whatever Sofia was thinking when she thought of the two of us together was completely insane. Now, we were so far apart, I wondered how it would be possible to even work together. I thought we’d probably have to communicate only when necessary.
I took a long walk after dinner to clear my head. I ran into Sofia and Antonio coming back from the gym and they walked with me for a while.
“That’s some pretty heavy shit between you and Cameron,” Antonio said.
“That’s one way to describe it,” I replied.
“I’m sorry you lost your brother.”
“Me, too.”
“I lost my brother, too,” Antonio admitted and it surprised me.
“What happened, if you don’t mind me asking?”
“Nah, I don’t mind. He was older. He joined the Army right out of high school. He died in Iraq.”
“That must have been hard on your family.”
Antonio nodded. “Yeah, especially my mom. He was the first born son. She was always so proud of him.”
“I’m sorry you lost your brother.”
“Me, too,” Antonio said.
The three of us walked in silence the rest of the way back to the dorm.
***
By Friday night I was exhausted. I think the rest of the counselors were, too, because no one even mentioned going out to the club. We had an early start on Saturday morning because we were taking the kids on a trip to the Thomas Edison Home and Laboratory. I always liked science and technology and was excited about seeing the place where some important inventions were developed. I wasn’t sure how the kids would respond to the trip but I hoped they’d enjoy it.
A charter bus was waiting for us bright and early Saturday morning. I managed to gather my group and get them out to the bus a little early with no help from Cameron. I had no idea where he was, which actually worried me a little bit. I hadn’t seen him since dinner on Friday when he sat with Renee and Rachel. I don’t know if it made me more hurt or angry, which made me even angrier.
Dr. Jones was already waiting outside the bus with a clipboard and whistle. She was dressed in all white, white polo shirt, white capris and little white Sketchers. She even had on a white sun visor. She always looked perfect in every way and I admired her for that. I had more of a just-rolled-out-of-bed and barely-put-together look going for me.
“Good morning, Dee Dee,” Dr. Jones said in her usual spunky tone.
“Good morning, Dr. Jones. Wonderful day for a trip to Edison’s home.”
“That it is,” she said with a smile. The she glanced around. “Where’s your partner?”
I gulped. I didn’t want Cameron to get in trouble but I honestly had no idea where he was. “He should be here shortly,” I said, which wasn’t a lie exactly. He was supposed to show up soon. He’d better if he wanted to keep his job.
The other counselors and their kids all streamed over and took places on the bus. It was organized chaos as everyone tried to find places that made them happy. As I glanced around I noticed that Renee and Rachel were also missing. Tommy and Max had brought their groups to the bus on their own. My stomach sank when I thought about why Renee, Rachel and Cameron might all be late.
Dr. Jones blew her whistle and all eyes were immediately pointed in her direction. “Thank you all for participating in our cultural activity this week, which is a visit to the Edison Home and Laboratory. I’ve asked Dr. Mayfield to join us today and he has graciously agreed to be our guest host. He’s an expert in historical engineering and just happened to write a book about Thomas Edison’s inventions. Please give a hand for Dr. Mayfield.”
Dr. Jones motioned to a gray-haired man, who looked to be in his late 60s, seated in the front row with her.
As the kids applauded and cheered, I glanced out my window for any sign of Cameron and I could feel myself starting to get anxious. But why? Did I really care if Cameron was late? I knew I could handle the six kids on my own if I had to, and I knew I could always join my group with Antonio and Sofia’s. The three of us could easily oversee twelve kids.
Maybe I was worried about Cameron getting fired, and that pissed me off. Why should I care? If he was gone I wouldn’t have to worry about standing in front of all the kids and talking about my brother. I wouldn’t have to be constantly reminded about his death whenever I saw Cameron. Part of me wondered if it might be a good thing for him to get fired but another part of me knew I would miss him. That was the part of me that scared me to death.
Before I could think about it any further, Cameron hurried onto the bus. His shirt was rumpled like he’d slept in it and his hair was messier than usual. His eyes were puffy and had dark rings around them. He scanned the bus then slipped into the seat next to me.
Seconds later Rachel and Renee hurried onto the bus. At least they had on fresh clothes and had put their hair in ponytails. They were both wearing dark sunglasses, probably to hide puffy and dark eyes like Cameron’s.
“Nice of the three of you to join us,” Dr. Jones stated
as she made a point of looking at her watch. “With 30 seconds to spare. I’m not sure what the cause of your tardiness is but I trust it won’t happen again.”
“Yes, Dr. Jones,” the three of them muttered in unison.
“The drive to the Edison home will take about an hour. Please keep the conversation and noise level to a minimum.”
“Yes, Dr. Jones,” everyone replied as the bus driver closed the door and pulled away.
“What happened to you?” I whispered angrily to Cameron.
He rubbed his temples. “I was out a little too late.”
“You think?” I shot back. “I had to cover for you.”
He shook his head. “You don’t have to do anything for me. I’m a big boy. I can take care of myself.”
“I can see that. I guess Rachel and Renee took good care of you. Maybe too good.”
Cameron looked like he was going to say something else but then just stopped. He shook his head. “You think I’m an a-hole anyway. What difference does it make?”
“Since when do you care what I think?”
“What makes you think I don’t care?”
Did he really care about what I thought of him? It was a question I hadn’t truly considered. I had just made assumptions based on past experiences. Things had obviously changed a lot since then.
“Can we at least agree to do our jobs?” I asked. “It’s not fair that I had to get everyone ready and on the bus by myself.”
“You’re right. I apologize for being late and putting you in a precarious position with Dr. Jones.”
“Just don’t do it again.”
He grabbed his sunglasses from his front pocket and put them on. “If I remember how I feel right now, there won’t be a repeat performance, believe me.”
I elbowed him in the shoulder.
“Ouch, what did you do that for?” he protested.
“No napping.”
“Okay, fine. No napping. You’re like a mini Dr. Jones.”
That made me smile. He might have thought it was a jab but I considered it a compliment.
The drive to the Thomas Edison National Historic Park seemed quick but that may have been because I was excited to get there. I knew it was kind of dorky but I was really into history and science. On the drive there Dr. Mayfield told us a little bit about Edison and his inventions, as well as the infamous feud he had with Nicola Tesla. Alex always had a thing for science and he liked interesting inventions. He would have loved seeing Edison’s Laboratory, although he’d always said he liked Tesla better. Maybe it was because Tesla was an underdog and never appreciated in his time. I think that’s how Alex had felt too.
Half of our large group went on a tour of Edison’s Laboratory while the other half toured Edison’s Glenmont Estate. The girls in our group voted to see the mansion first and they were quite persuasive, so we joined the Estate tour group first.
As we walked through the 29-room Queen Anne Victorian style mansion, the kids seemed to be in awe, at least the girls and Lyle were. I wasn’t sure about Ryan and Hunter, who were cracking jokes and goofing around.
While a tour guide explained some of the unique construction features of the home, Cameron pulled me aside and whispered, “Are you still mad at me?”
“I wasn’t mad,” I replied. “More like disappointed.”
He sighed. “I think that’s worse.”
“We really should pay attention to the tour guide,” I admonished. “Remember, we’re supposed to be setting a good example for the kids.”
“Yes, Ma’am,” Cameron said as he gave me a wide grin. It took every ounce of willpower I had not to smile back. But I didn’t want to give him the impression that he was actually getting to me, even if he was.
The kids in our group were surprisingly engaged when we made our way to the laboratory. Even the troublemakers, Ryan and Hunter, seemed to enjoy seeing the historic lab and learning about Edison’s innovations and inventions.
Despite actually enjoying myself for the first time in a long time, I still felt a twinge of sadness that I was there and Alex wasn’t. I wondered if I would always feel that way—whenever I had an experience that I knew Alex would never have—would I always feel sad that he was gone?
“What’s wrong?” Cameron whispered to me as we headed toward to buses for the drive back to the dorms.
“Nothing,” I said, although it felt like a lie.
“I can see something’s wrong,” he insisted. “It’s etched on your face.”
I heaved a sigh. “Just missing Alex.”
Cameron nodded but he didn’t comment. What could he say?
“I just wonder if I’ll always feel this way—like something’s missing because Alex isn’t here.”
“I don’t know,” he admitted. “But I don’t think so. I think you can get to a point where you miss Alex but don’t feel like something’s missing. Does that make sense?”
“Yeah, it does.”
“Glad I could help,” he offered.
I didn’t think I’d ever see the day when I’d be able to say that Cameron Connelly did something to help me but I guess that day had arrived.
I wasn’t sure how I felt about it, though.
Week Two
“Are you ready yet?” Cameron asked as he sat down at the lunch table with me. Antonio had decided to take Sofia to Subway for lunch rather than having to endure the cafeteria food again. Since it was free for me to eat as a counselor in the program, I planned on eating every meal in the cafeteria regardless of how edible—or inedible—it appeared to be.
“Ready for what?” I asked, even though I had an idea what he meant: the speech to the kids about bullying.
He raised an eyebrow. “Seriously?”
I sighed. “No, I’m not ready yet.”
“Well, you’d better get ready.”
My eyes narrowed. “You are not planning to do what I think you’re planning to do.”
“I am.”
“Please don’t.”
Cameron turned to face me. “Look at me.”
I put my fork down and looked into Cameron’s eyes. “Happy?”
“I haven’t been happy in a long time but that’s another issue. We’re talking about making you happy.”
That caught me off guard. I didn’t expect Cameron to say he wasn’t happy. And why did he care whether or not I was happy?
“Exactly how is talking about Alex’s death to a room full of kids going to make me happy?”
“Your life has to be about more than Alex’s death. I don’t think you’ve given yourself permission to let him go. I think this could be a first step.”
“And what are you, some kind of psychologist? Do you think you’re my grief counselor or something?”
“Probably the or something fits.”
“And why should I trust you?”
“You’re already at the bottom anyway. You pretty much have nothing to lose.”
He had a point. I had to give him credit for making some good points.
“Okay,” I agreed finally. “I’ll do it. But if it makes things worse, it’s your fault.”
“It already is, isn’t it? Don’t you already blame me for Alex’s death?”
I nodded.
He shrugged. “Well, then you probably couldn’t hate me anymore than you already do anyway.”
“I don’t hate you,” I admitted, and was just as surprised as he was when the words came out of my mouth.
“That’s a step in the right direction then.”
“And exactly what direction is that?” I asked.
“I already told you. I’m taking you down the road to your happiness.”
The road to my happiness? What did he mean by that?
He continued. “And I’m taking you down that road, even if I have to take you kicking and screaming.”
“Why am I so important to you all of a sudden?”
“All of a sudden?” He let out a single laugh. “Is that what you think?”
> “If we hadn’t ended up as counselors in this program I doubt you would have ever given me a second thought.”
Our eyes met and I was suddenly extremely uncomfortable. A small part of me felt attracted to Cameron. I tried to bury that feeling deep inside but it kept rearing its ugly head.
“I don’t believe in coincidences.” Cameron continued staring at me and his gaze grew intense. “There’s a reason we ended up here together. I think you and I both know that.”
“Are you talking about some kind of karma or something like that?”
“Yeah, something like that. I want you to know that there hasn’t been a day that’s gone by in the last two years that I haven’t thought about both you and Alex.”
I found it hard to believe. The Cameron I knew was a selfish prick who didn’t care about anyone but himself. The person sitting beside me was not the Cameron I knew. Or at least the one I thought I knew. I was so confused.
I rose. “I’ve got to get going. I need to brush my teeth before the afternoon classes start.”
“We’re all meeting in the auditorium.”
I gulped. That meant it was go time. I had to get ready to face one of my biggest fears.
***
I could feel my heartbeat quicken as I entered the auditorium. The kids were talking and messing around as they waited for the class to begin. The other counselors, with the exception of Cameron, were also seated in the audience with the kids. Cameron was standing at the podium with Dr. Jones.
When Cameron saw me walk in, he winked at me. I didn’t know whether to slap him or hug him. Therein was the problem.
Dr. Jones waved her arms to get everyone’s attention. “Quiet everyone. We have a special presentation today. Cameron is going to talk to you about bullying and how it impacted his life.”
“Who would bully him?” one of the kids cracked and the other kids laughed.
“Enough,” Dr. Jones reprimanded. “I expect you to give Cameron your attention and utmost respect.”
After Alex Died Page 6