by Sara Wolf
“Theo doesn’t mind, either,” I say, smiling. “He’s very patient with me in that way.”
“Yeah? That’s good.”
I roll over on my belly, and look Ranik in the eye. He’s very close, his arm touching my waist. I can see his chest as it rises and falls with his breath.
“So, let’s get started, teacher.”
Ranik goes still for a long moment, then inhales and flips over on his belly, too.
“Pillow talk comes after fuckin’, obviously.”
“Obviously,” I agree.
“It’s mostly random, so like, I might talk about my childhood, or my work. Well, Theo will probably talk about those things. That’s standard for a typical white dude.”
“What would you talk about?”
Ranik smirks a lopsided, charming smirk. “With you? Shit, anything fun. Anything that’d make you laugh. Like, maybe my parrot story, or my ladder story, or the old man with seven hundred yams story.”
“Seven hundred yams?” My eyes widen.
“Oh yeah. He had ‘em all in his truck ready to sell at the farmer’s market down the road. He and his wife put them in there, and then he drives off. He sells all his yams, and he’s so excited to come home and tell his wife. He looks all over for her, but he can’t find her.”
I frown. Ranik leans in, and I can smell the aftershave on him and see the tiny gold flecks in his excited eyes, like stardust.
“So he calls the police, and they file a missing persons report. Months pass, and finally one day she just shows up at the door.”
“What?”
“Yeah! And the old guy says, honey, where were you? And the wife goes; you buried me in potatoes when we were loading! You sold me to Doc Grayson at the market, you idiot! And then he asks; Why didn’t you come home earlier? And she says; I had to wait for him to finish his bag of yams, first, you idiot!”
Ranik rolls with laughter. The joke is unfunny and sort of an inside joke among country folk, I assume, but his reaction is so absurdly amused I start laughing, too.
“So people just…tell each other jokes after sex?” I ask when we’ve calmed down. Ranik shrugs.
“The way I do it? Not usually. Not much time for talkin’. They leave pretty quick after, or kick me out.”
“That’s the exact opposite of what I’ve heard,” I say. “I hear you kick them out. In the rain.”
Ranik looks appalled. “What? That’s bullshit! I ain’t never kicked a lady out from my bed, especially not in the rain, I swear to you. Ask Trent, or any of ‘em. I’d never do that.”
I search his eyes, and realize he’s telling the truth.
“Rumors are vicious,” I surmise.
“The ones about you ain’t too pretty either.”
“Oh? Do tell.”
“S’not worth repeating,” He growls. “Besides, no one actually believes they’re true.”
“Why?”
“Because no one really knows you. Rumors are half-truths, you know? Spun by people who know you, who wanna hurt you. Nobody’s good friends with you, or, shit, even enemies, so they can’t make a decent rumor about you to save their life.”
“Charlotte’s my friend,” I defend. “But she’d never make a rumor about me.”
“Charlotte? With the curls?”
“Yes. We’ve known each other since middle school.”
“Trent and I’ve known each other since kindergarten,” Ranik nods. “S’good to have a friend from childhood like that. Means you ain’t all robot.”
I frown, and he backpedals.
“Shit, sorry Princess. Forgot you don’t like that name.”
I stare at the pillow, now damp with the indents of my wet hair.
“It was what my classmates used to call me,” I say slowly. “You talk like a robot. Why don’t you ask robot girl? Get robot girl in our group, she’ll do all the work. She’s got no feelings, like a robot. Heartless robot. Bitchy robot girl’.” I smile at Ranik. “In a way they were right, I suppose.”
“Right about what? That’s all bullshit. They were just jealous of your brains and poise. You got feelings. You ain’t heartless, neither.”
“I certainly haven’t been very nice to you.”
He shrugs. “I got lots of other girls to be nice to me.”
My stomach shrinks oddly at that, but I keep talking.
“You’ve been trying to teach me, and I’ve been so defensive. It must be hard to have me as a student. I think…I’m scared. I’m scared of not doing well at these lessons, and then of failing. I’m scared of losing my one chance with Theo, and I’ve been taking that out on you. I apologize.”
“I gotta apologize too,” He musses up his midnight hair. “For last night. Didn’t mean to drag you off the dance floor like that. Wasn’t very gentlemanly of me.”
“Implying you try to be gentlemanly all other times?” I smirk.
“O’course! I might be a cocky dumbass, but I ain’t a jerk. I hate jerks.”
“You weren’t a jerk. It was nice, to see your friends at the club.” There’s a beat, and I feel my face rise with a blush. “It was nice to dance with you - ”
I turn my head just in time for him to capture my lips with his own soft ones. It’s a timid, feather-light kiss – my very first. My eyes flutter shut and Ranik cups my cheek in his rough hand, brushing my jaw with his thumb. He’s so gentle. What feels like the static from a tesla coil runs under my skin and down into my spine. But it only lasts a second, because he pulls away quickly.
“L-Lesson,” His voice is strangled as he licks his lips. “That was a lesson. Shit, I didn’t even – fuck.”
He buries his face in his hands, body tensing with anger.
“What’s wrong? Was I that bad?” I ask. Green-gold eyes peer at me from over his arms, shame heavy in them.
“No, no, you were great! Shit, uh, I just mean - that was your first kiss. And I took it. I took it instead of Theo like you probably wanted. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry, I wasn’t thinkin’ and I just did it, I never think before I do stuff and I always fuck shit up like this!”
He sits up, pounding his fist into the pillow.
“Don’t be hard on yourself,” I put my hand on his shoulder. “I don’t put any particular stock in first kisses. I’ve always found it rather strange girls put so much emphasis on it. Besides, I would rather be experienced when I kiss Theo. I would much rather impress him than give him a lackluster first kiss.”
The shame lifts from him like a dark cloud, bit by bit. He straightens, face suddenly set and serious. His whole body stretches out on the bed, limbs long and taut like a reclining lion. His tattoos curl and uncurl on his tensing muscles.
“Right. So. Kissin’, okay? That was just a little kiss, not friendly, because friendly kisses are pecks on the cheek –” He quickly pecks me on the cheek to show me. “- but that wasn’t a full-on sex kiss neither. That was…somewhere in-between. A couple’s kiss, I guess you’d call it.”
“It felt very nice,” I smile. Ranik flushes, struggling to maintain his business-like façade.
“I’m real glad. Thought you’d hate me for it.”
“I can’t hate you for anything that’s a lesson,” I say carefully. “You’re teaching me, and example is a very good way to teach.”
“Soooo, I could kiss you again, right now, and you wouldn’t mind?”
“Yes. As long as it was instructional.”
Ranik’s smirk is suddenly devious and borderline evil. He leans in this time, looking at my lips with his face hovering inches in front of me. I can count every dark eyelash of his, every laugh-line. His breath is minty and hot, and the cord of his neck strains in an enticing way. His lips move in, and I move for them, but he pulls back and laughs softly.
“Ah ah ah, Princess. You can’t just dive in all gung-ho. Theo might get the wrong idea and think you’re demandin’ something.”
Ranik hovers near me, so close yet so far, and I squirm and frown, eager for the static
sensation again. Ranik just laughs more.
“Hah, you’re too cute when you pout like that.”
The word cute drops on my head like a bombshell, dazing me. Cute? No one has ever called me that, honestly and truly. Bitchy, yes. Stuck-up, yes. Frigid, yes. Cute? Never. But Ranik says it like he means it, this time. I lean forward faster than he can pull back, and lock my inexperienced lips with his. My teeth scrape his bottom lip and I think he’ll pull away, outraged, but the groan that escapes his mouth instead makes me braver. I bite just a little harder, and Ranik snarls and mashes his mouth on mine, all fire and passion as his tongue traces my lips and then forces its way inside, frantically memorizing my mouth.
“This…” He pants between kissing me. “Is a sex kiss.”
He’s suddenly on top of me, still kissing me, straddling me with his legs. His shadow looming over me only stokes the static ripples in my skin higher, the anticipation of something unknown yet impending building instinctually in my body. This is much better than simply thinking of Theo in my own bed. The pleasure is hotter, brighter, more real. My lips feel bruised when Ranik finally pulls away. His eyes roam up and down my body underneath him, hazel eyes glazed in that same way I saw on the boy in the club. But this glaze is a thousand times more intense, tinted with darkness, and filled with something like painful longing. Just when I think he’s going to lean in to kiss me again, he buries his head in my neck, sniffing. I can’t help the laugh that escapes me.
“Excuse me, Mr. Mason. Is this part of the lesson, too?”
“Sorry, s’just, you smell like me. My shampoo.”
“And you like it because you’re a narcissist?” I smirk.
“I like it because,” Ranik sighs happily in my ear. “Because the thought of leaving my smell on you –”
He chokes on the words, sitting up abruptly and rolling off me. He clears his throat as he stands from the bed, posture rigid. The sudden change in him - from languid ease to tense and tightly-wound - is startling, unnatural. Brutally forced.
“That’s it for today,” He says, oddly strangled. “You got to experience the innocent kiss, the couple’s kiss, and the sex kiss. That’s the difference between ‘em. Lesson over. Let’s get you home.”
A thorn of mysterious disappointment lodges in my side, but I quickly shake it out. This is no time for distraction or sentiment. I file away the newly acquired experience as Ranik walks with me to his car.
“When should I kiss Theo?” I ask as he pulls out of the parking lot. “Or should I wait for him to kiss me?”
“What do you want?” Ranik asks. “Most girls want guys to kiss them first.”
“I don’t care who does what first, as long as I get kissed.”
He laughs, the sound clear. “Practical as always.” He glances sideways at me. “So, you like kissin’ now or something?”
“Yes. It’s very interesting and fun and I’d like to do more of it. As soon as possible.”
“You can always call me. We’ll consider it extra lessons or somethin’. Extra credit.”
When we pull up to my dorm, Ranik helps me out of the car.
“Well, I’ll bring you my homework in the next coupla days. See you then?”
“Yes. Thank you for everything. The breakfast, the lessons - ”
The kiss. Kisses, plural. The many wonderful kisses.
It goes unsaid. There’s a strange tense quiet. Ranik shoves his hands in his pockets as he smiles crookedly.
“Hah, s’nothing. Just doing my job as your teacher, right?”
I nod and watch him go. He doesn’t get five steps past a distant tree before a girl with short auburn hair latches on to his arm, giggling. He slaps her butt, and she only giggles harder. Some foreign part of me is angry at the display, deeply, but that too I shake off. Ranik is simply Ranik first, and my teacher second. He will never not be a playboy. Just because we kissed today doesn’t mean he’s my boyfriend now. I scoff at the idea – Ranik? Someone’s boyfriend? Never. Boytoy, maybe, or boy-friend-with-benefits. But never an official boyfriend of anyone. Official boyfriend and Ranik are two opposite terms.
But still, despite the fact I know he has no obligation to me, the anger lingers. It only dispels when I go to the library and see Theo. He’s studying acoustic mathematics at a table, a serious look on his handsome face. My heart whispers fantasies instantly – Theo kissing me like Ranik did. I slide in the seat opposite with my own textbook nervously.
“Hi,” I say. Theo looks up and smiles.
“What’s up, Alice? Nice…wardrobe change.”
I look down at my skull shirt and ripped jean shorts, and flush.
“A friend leant me these. They’re only temporary.”
“Oh man, what are those?” He points to my gauze-wrapped hands, and I sheepishly shrug.
“I fell and skinned my hands.”
His face etches with worry. “Looks like they hurt. You’ve got to be more careful.”
I finger the bandages. His care and concern for me melts my insides. I take a deep breath and will all my courage up, demand it come forward as my eyes lock on his lips. I lean across the table -
“Who has to be more what?” A cheery voice breathlessly interrupts. I look up to see Grace, her dark hair in a ponytail and her hoodie bright purple with green clovers all over it.
“Hello,” I say. “I’m Alice.”
Grace beams at me. “I’m Grace. Oooh, what do you have there?” She peeks at my textbook title. “Depth Analysis of the Male Anatomy?”
“For my biology class,” I say quickly.
“Ah, the reproductive section, eh?” Theo smiles. “Get ready for the most hilarious quizzes of your life.”
“We’re not all super-immature, Theo,” Grace chides, then whispers to me. “But I totally drew a dick with a face on the extra credit question.”
I laugh. “I don’t think I’ve ever drawn a penis before.”
“Really?” Grace’s dark eyes go wide. “But you’ve seen one before, right?”
I shoot a helpless look at Theo and blush. “I –”
“Leave her alone, Grace,” Theo says patiently. She doesn’t.
“You mean you’ve really never seen a dick before?” Grace’s eyes light up. “Not even, like, a kid you babysat when you changed his diaper? Or what about your grandpa’s when he gets too old to keep his pants up anymore?”
“I’m not especially good with children,” I say. “And my grandparents were dead before I was born.”
“But, like,” Grace leans in and whispers. “Porn? There’s lots in porn.”
I blush harder. “I’ve never, um.”
“Oh my god,” Grace pulls back. “Wow. Wow that’s…that’s amazing! I’ve never met someone who –”
“C’mon, Grace. Leave her alone,” Theo says with more force. Grace frowns at him.
“I’m just curious! It’s a really amazing thing in this day and age!” She turns back to me and whispers again, eyes innocent. “So does that mean you’re a lesbian?”
“No,” I protest. “I’ve just been…occupied. For most of my teenage years.”
“So you could be a lesbian. You just don’t know yet.”
“I’m fairly certain I’m not,” I insist. Theo shoots me an apologetic look and stands, closing his book.
“Well, I better bounce,” he says. “The show won’t air itself tonight.”
“I’ll come with you!” Grace offers, then turns to me with a smile. “It was nice meeting you, Alice.”
I smile wanly. She obviously doesn’t know how much her words affected me. Perhaps she never knows. “It was a pleasure, Grace. Have a nice night.”
Theo hangs back as Grace skips ahead of him and out of the library. “I’m really sorry about that.”
“It’s fine,” I assure him. “I’m sure she didn’t mean any of it offensively.”
Theo smiles and puts a hand on my shoulder.
“You’re a good person, Alice. Anybody ever tell you that?”
/> “You’re the first.”
“Well, I should say it more often, then.”
The heat of his hand courses through me, spreading like a seed spreads roots into fertile soil. It warms my heart and my lungs and my blood. The urge to kiss him is still there, but all my courage is gone, sapped by the doubt from Grace’s words. Finally he pulls away, and with one last smile, leaves. I watch the two of them walk out of the library.
I take my textbook to a window seat overlooking the cherry trees behind the building. Grace is voraciously curious, and never hesitates to say what’s on her mind. Now that I’ve spoken with her, I feel like I know her better. I’d do well to say what’s on my mind more instead of holding it back and overanalyzing it to death. Not only would Theo like it, but it seems very liberating.
I pull out a pack of sticky notes and begin marking important pages. There’s much studying to be done.
After hours of work, I observe the sticky-noted book with a lofty satisfaction. I’ve crammed as many diagrams and medical analysi into my head as I can. All that’s left is the practical application.
I text Ranik on my way back to the dorm.
I’d like to learn about the penis next.
***
The text stops me in my tracks. Keri, walking next to me, stops too.
“Something wrong?” She chirps, her voice that weird too-sweet tone most girls get when they’re with dudes they barely know but wanna bang anyway. My eyes flicker from the text to her and back again.
Alice wants to learn about dicks.
I fight a groan as the stiffy I’d been workin’ so hard to hide from Alice pops right back up again with a vengeance. Kissing her, seeing her under me and smiling on my bed got me hard and hot as volcanic glass, but I managed to keep it outta her eagle-eyed notice. I’d jumped out of the car and sighed in relief when I saw Keri – a second-string varsity tennis player who slept with me at the beginning of the year. Keri’d be happy to help me with the hard-on from Alice’s lips. And her breasts through that thin skull t-shirt. And the smell of her hair –
Keri’s no Alice – dyed red hair instead of platinum blonde. Keri’s short and curvy where Alice is long and graceful. Keri’s GPA is miserable and she don’t got the wit or balls to fling an insult that’d hurt a fly, let alone a human being, but she’s friendly and smiley and most important she don’t mind sleeping with me, and second most important is she don’t care if I think about someone else while doin’ it.