by Sara Wolf
"Friendly reminder," I bounce on my toes. "This is for that pretty manhunk you want so much. Also, you said you wanted to learn about dicks. So.”
She reaches in and pulls out the flesh-colored dildo, and quirks a brow at me. "What is this?"
"Oh, c'mon princess, it's a fake penis. A dildo. Don't tell me you ain't seen a penis before. With your looks, I'm sure some creeper in a trenchcoat has flashed you before. Sidenote: Do you have the name and address of said creeper, and do you know if he enjoys bein’ stabbed?"
"I know what it is," She snaps. "I've taken AP biology and I'm currently taking anthropology. I've studied the diagrams and cross sections of male genitalia thoroughly."
"Oh have you?" I smirk. "Because you're holding that thing like it's a hand grenade, not the beloved wang of Sir Theo the Golden."
"What I meant was; why bring this to me?"
"It was the plainest one I could find. Be grateful. There was a diamond-studded one I was seriously considerin’ for a bit."
"Ranik," she sighs. I throw up my hands.
"Fine, fine! I bought this because I figured you could use the practice."
"Practice," She deadpans.
"Fuckin' practice," I sit on the bed beside her. "It's not gonna always be about sexy lingerie, or pillow talk about nuclear reactors or whatever it is that turns you nerds on."
Alice stares at the dildo, then looks up at me, and with a deadly serious face, says;
"I'm not going to use this."
A tinglin’ thrill runs through me, my mind working overtime as it pictures her on the bed, splayed out and sweaty and happily taking advantage of the humble rod. For the millionth time I mentally hose the sleaze out of my head and force myself to focus.
"No, look, this ain't for you to use. Or, shit, if you want it after this, fucking keep it. Consider it a Christmas ass bonus. But honestly, the textured ones are a lot -"
"Just tell me what I'm supposed to do with this," she says.
"So, you wanna learn about the penis. Fine. That’s a whole other ballgame from datin’, though. Sex is like…shit. Sex is the ocean, and dating is the sky. Two totally different things, okay?”
“They both contain fluid entities,” She muses. “Air and water.”
“Ayyyy,” I double finger-gun point at her. Her face remains blank. “Get it? Fluid entities?”
“What?”
“Uh, nevermind. Anyway, I’m real glad you asked about sex stuff, because now we’re finally getting into my area of expertise. We're starting with the basics," I say. "Handjobs. May I?"
I take the dildo from her and hold it firmly at the base. The silicon paintjob glints pathetically.
"So you're gonna pretend this is Theo’s dick, okay? You've somehow managed to get it out from his pants and his underwear, which, lemme tell ya, is a fucking hassle. You're better off just pullin’ his pants and boxers straight off. Shit, I take that back. He definitely wears tighty-whities. Those are way harder."
"Why?" She tilts her head.
"Well, there's no slit. At least with boxers, there's a slit you can pull the dick out of. Tighty-whities, you gotta just yank down."
"Yanking seems extremely unsexy."
I chuckle. "No shit. You gotta be suave about it, or you'll ruin the mood. Or don't be suave. Ruin the mood. Hopefully that'll get a laugh out of him, and you can laugh together about it. But I fuckin’ doubt it. He's got a stick up his ass the size of the Empire State building, and you don't know how to have fun."
I instantly regret saying that as Alice's face darkens, and not in the imperious queenly way it usually does when she's pissed. This is a softer darkenin’, a sadder darkenin’. My chest tightens and it's suddenly hard to breathe.
"Shit, no, I didn't mean that, Alice. You're fine. It's not, like, your fault. You've just had a miserable fuckin’ life, okay?"
"It wasn't miserable," She draws herself up, that ice-queen mask quickly reforming. "Just because it was less 'fun' compared to your wild party life doesn't mean it didn't have merit. Just because I didn't drink and copulate my way through high school doesn't mean I didn't laugh. I had fun. Sometimes."
"Studyin’ all night until you passed out? Volunteering for every science and math fair and never once gettin’ dressed up to go to prom, or, shit, just have a night in for yourself? Your folks only showed affection when you got good grades, so you spent your whole life tryna impress them so they'd give you a damn hug -"
“You don't know what you're talking about. You're here to teach me to seduce Theo, not to psychoanalyze me. So start teaching."
She shuts down so fast I can practically feel her icy armor blowin’ its cold-ass breath at me. She just wants me for my experience. And I keep forgetting that, gettin’ it mixed up with the fact she might want me as a person. As a friend. But I'm not a person to her. I'm a teacher. A resource. I'm just another textbook to add to her bank of knowledge, even though I could be so much more. I could show her. I could show her how to have fun. How to enjoy life, instead of muscling through it with a closed-off heart.
Alice clears her throat, voice business-like and crisp. "You were discussing men's underwear."
I struggle to be as detached and professional as her, even with my chest aching. I shake my head. Why the fuck should I ache over this ice princess who's using me and gonna throw me away when she’s done with me?
"Yeah. So, handjobs. Nothin’ fancy. They'll get Theo excited, but they won't make him cum. Or, they might. And if that's the case, he's probably an over-sensitive virgin, which is theo-retically still possible. Get it?"
She ignores the joke, peering at the dildo closer. "So what you're saying is, handjobs are for foreplay."
"Well, yeah. Mostly they let a guy know you're interested. Rubbin’ your hand on a dude's crotch is the scientifically best way to get his attention."
Alice smirks. "Scientifically proven? Or just time-tested?"
"A little bit of both." I put my hand around the dildo. "Alright, so this is a gay thing that risks my carefully built manly reputation, but I'm doin’ it just for you, so you understand exactly what to do."
"What homoerotics go on in this room, stay in this room."
I roll my eyes and grip the dildo. "The shaft’s where the action is. A lot of girls think the head is the best thing to go for, but it's sensitive. Too much stimulation can result in, uh, early cumming. Or it could just start feelin’ irritating. Either way, you should focus on the shaft and only visit the head sometimes."
"Right." She nods, jotting notes down notes in her phone.
"Look," I grab her writing hand. "Enough, okay? This is a hands-on lesson. Pun totally intended."
"But -" She glances at the notes.
"I know they make you feel safe. I know they...I know notes mean a shitload to you. But right now, I need you to be here, with me, concentratin’ on what I'm doing. That's seriously the best way to learn."
She perks up at the word 'learn', and drops her pen, focusing on me. "Okay. I'm listening."
Her gaze is laser-like as I explain the different techniques - straight jackin’, the twist, the two-finger. It's a little uncomfortable, and when I pass the dildo over to her so she can try, she jacks it twice and a laugh bubbles up from her. I go still.
"Wait - did you just - was that an actual laugh?"
She watches her hand go up and down and starts laughing again, the sound clear as springwater.
"It-It's just...so silly. The thing looks so...so silly!"
I look at the pathetic silicon dick and start laughing, too.
"It looks like a damn worm," I say.
"Like a hairless whale," She clutches at her chest to catch her breath. "Or the posterior end of the medulla oblongata."
I laugh even harder at her nerd-ass comparison. The dorm room fills with the sound, the late afternoon sunlight slantin’ through the window. It plays with her blonde hair, turning it to molten honey. A few strands stick out from her bun, the hairdo loose from a day's worth of
walkin’. It would be so easy to reach up and pull it out, to see it flowing around her shoulders freely. The wind picks up and blows her scent at me - no fancy perfume, just clean soap and a hint of rose. Her laughter fades faster than I can commit it to memory. It’s so much better than a photo, though. It’s a moment in time of her, and I have it all to myself. She catches me starin’ and looks away quickly.
"I apologize," She says. "I'm distracting from the lesson. It won't happen again."
"S’all good. Distracting ain't all bad."
"It is," Alice insists. "You have places to be, with people who are more interesting and fun than me. Being here is boring for you, I know that. So. It would be best to finish this lesson quickly and efficiently, so that you can go."
Something in my lungs twists painfully. "It's okay to take it slow."
Alice frowns, doubt clearly written on her face. I nudge her on the forehead with the forgotten dildo.
"I'm not bored by you, idiot. I like teachin’ you."
Her doubt melts, and blushing embarrassment takes it place. I can't believe this shit – Alice is blushing in front of me. She’s done it a couple times, but this is different – all over and bright. The hard-ass, take-no-prisoners 4.2 GPA girl of iron and thorns is blushin’, her cheeks pink and sweet. But then something in her changes - the blush fades, her eyes lose their spark, and she becomes all business again.
"I don't feel as though I'm learning effectively."
"Yeah?" I scratch the back of my head. "I've never been good at this teachin’ shit -"
"No, it's not your teaching methods," She interrupts. "You are passable. It's the...equipment." She motions at the dildo in my hand. "It's hard to know if I'm doing it right, simply because there's no response mechanism. Learning is dependent on positive reinforcement, and if it doesn't respond, I have no way of knowing if what I do is right. It's not very reassuring."
"Well, your hand movements look right," I say.
"But do you know for sure they're right?"
"Nope."
She sighs. "So even if approach Theo, I might mess up."
"Yeah, but, shit. You might succeed, too."
"I can't afford to take that chance. Not even once. Theo is...too valuable to risk." She shoots me a look. "He's the first boy I've ever felt this way about. I thought I was dysfunctional, or perhaps a lesbian. I went for years without ever once feeling struck by love. But then I met him and I understood. I finally understood what all those songs were about, all those poems by Keats and Hemingway. He opened my eyes."
I ignore the sinking in my stomach. "Sounds like he's fuck-off important to you."
"Yes. So I have to be nothing less than perfect. I have to be as practiced and poised as I can be. There can be no mistakes."
"That sounds like a bunch of shitty pressure you're puttin’ on yourself, there."
"Pressure is the one thing I'm used to." Alice corrects. "I can handle pressure. I sought you out to teach me how to handle the rest."
There's a weird, tense quiet, and then we both blurt words at once.
"I think I can -"
"You wouldn't mind if -"
"Sorry, go ahead," I say. Alice shakes her head.
"I was hoping you wouldn't mind being a live test subject. For practice. And only this once."
I'm careful to keep my eyes from bulgin’ out of my skull. Alice? Asking permission to give me a handjob?
"Look, Princess, I've had lots of girls -"
"I know!" She interrupts. "I know that very well. Which is why I believe you'll do exceptionally as a test subject. I am inexperienced, and it will be extremely lackluster. It will be so bad, it'll allow you to maintain a clear head, so that you can guide me and offer pointers while I experiment."
"I think you underestimate yourself, and the power of the female hand. It ain't matter how bad you are, I'm still gonna react."
"But you will react clearly! That's so much better than a lifeless plastic thing. I'll be able to gauge your reactions and adjust appropriately."
I squint at her, even as my half-mast pushes insistently against my jeans. "But what about you?"
"What about me?"
"You're alright with...with me being the first...to..."
"But you're not really," She says quickly. "It's just practice. For Theo. And I think it will be educational."
I roll my eyes, but before I can get up and walk out, she scoots over on the bed and puts her hand on my thigh. Her stormy blue-gray eyes are alive with that spark again, her fingers pressing curious circles into my jeans. Every drunk frat-boy on campus would kill to be in this position - on a bed with Alice Wells, the late sun lighting her hair with honey and her eyes with the sort of passionate fire she only reserves for fucking studyin’, or test-taking. Learning. Learnin’ is what she loves, and it's obvious in the way she's eagerly touching me.
"N-No," I say, strained and hoarse. "Don't paw at it. Open your hand and rub it up and down -"
I suck in a breath as her palm runs over me, soft at first, then hard. She looks at her hands working, then up at me.
"Aha, the friction it produces is what stimulates the skin. That makes much more sense."
I groan and push her away by the shoulders. "Alice, fucking - just stop. Just fuckin’ stop."
"Did I do something wrong?" She tilts her head.
"No, but - damnit, woman," I snarl. "I'm not Theo. He's the one you care about."
She tilts her head the other way, like a curious bird. The innocence in the motion just makes me burn hotter and harder.
"I know. But you're my teacher. You have to teach me." She looks down at my crotch. "Besides, it doesn't make much sense to use a plastic imitation when we have the real thing right here. Live tests versus laboratory tests are considerably more lucrative in terms of supportive control data."
I lean back against the wall and bang my head on it, trying to clear the shitty static fuzz of lust. I need to leave. I need to go. Nothing good is gonna come out of this. This will just fuck me up. But why? Why do I think it'll fuck me up? Is it because I want her? Everyone with a dick wants her. I'm not special. Theo's the only one she cares about. It's not like I need girls to care about me to jack me off. Hailey fondled me at the concert last night while I fingered her, and she has a boyfriend. Last week it was Kelsie, blowing me behind the cherry tree by the sciences building, and shit, she has a girlfriend. I'm no stranger to careless dick shenanigans with people who don't genuinely feel for me. So why is this bothering me so fuckin’ much?
"I don't want you to do something you'll regret, Princess," I finally say. I feel the tug of my zipper too late - when it's already down, and she's pulling at the hem of my jeans.
"I appreciate your concern, but I never regret learning, Ranik," She frowns, an almost-pout. "I know it won't be the best on your end, but I thank you for your sacrifice."
I can't tell if she's teasin’ me or not, and I don't care, because the second her slender fingers work their way through my boxers and find me, every protest in my brain blanks to white noise. Her fingertips are cool, her nails barely-there and delicious smooth against my skin. She pulls me out, straight and hard enough to cut glass, and her eyes grow wide.
"Oh. I had no idea it gets that big."
I give her a feverish smirk. "T-That's just me. Some guys are smaller. I'm sure Theo will be tiny - Ah!" I cut off as she wraps her hand around the base and squeezes.
"No more bragging from you," She sighs loftily. I watch her self-satisfied smile blossom as she jerks me, tight and strong. A moan tries to jump out but I swallow it.
"W-What are you so fuckin’ - " I hiss as she plays her fingers across my tip, white-hot threads of pleasure pulling me under. " - so fucking sm-smug about?"
"Smug? No, I’m just pleased. You're a much better learning tool," She says, her other hand snaking out. She grips me with both, and squeezes gently. When I don't react, she leans in and blows cool air on my tip. My traitor hips give a sharp jerk, and her sweet pink l
ips hover there.
"Hey, a-ah, hold on, mouth stuff ain't on the menu -"
"Too much friction with no lubrication is dangerous. Every physics major knows that," Alice retorts.
"Princess, listen to me, I'm bein’ serious, if you - fuck!"
She runs her soft tongue from my base to the head, leaving a thin trail of wet heat. Every inch of me wants to stay on that bed and let her do whatever she wants until I cum on her, in her, but something clear and sharp cuts through that shit and pulls me back from the edge. I bolt up off the bed, stuffin’ myself back in and zipping my jeans quickly.
"What the f-fuck are you doing?" I pant. Alice's cheeks are flushed.
"I was...I was learning. Why did you stop? Was it not going well?"
"Do you have any fuckin’ idea - any fuckin’ idea what that shit means? You're jumping way ahead -"
"I was curious! And I didn't want you to be in pain, from the dry friction -"
"Why would you care if I'm in pain?" I snap. "I'm just a learnin’ tool to you."
Alice looks shocked, and it slowly turns to confusion.
"I thought...I thought that's what we agreed on. You would teach me, and I would do your work. We'd use each other. It's a fair trade."
I ball my fist and resist the urge to slam it into the wall. "It's not fair. It's not fuckin’ fair when you go and do something batshit like that."
"How is it batshit? Don’t many other girls do the same thing to you? Is it batshit when they do it?"
My stomach curdles. "No, that's fucking normal!"
"Then why, when I do it for the sake of learning, it's somehow batshit? Why am I different to you? Just treat me like another girl. I just want to learn, and I'll be able to, if you treat me like them!"
"You're not like them, you fucking idiot!" I shout. "Stop tryna be like them! Stop tryna be anyone but your fuckin’ self for this Theo asshole! He's not gonna like you if you try so fuckin’ hard to be someone you ain’t!"
Alice goes quiet, flush dimming and her imperial face cooling into an unbreakable glacier. I let out a frustrated growl and spin on my heel, slamming the dorm door behind me. I've never walked faster or been more pissed off in my life, and I have no fucking clue why. All I know is when I get back to the apartment, I ignore the greetin’s of Trent and Miranda, storm into my room and lean against the door to finish myself off, thinking of Alice's perfect fuckin’ mouth the entire time.