"Cassandra."
"I think if I want to take a second job, you should let me. It would be good experience for me to spend some time on a sailboat."
"You don't know how to sail," Mom said, her voice tense.
"I'll learn."
"The answer is 'no,'" Mom said. I'd hit a nerve, one that I knew was an easy target.
"If you weren't so afraid of the water..."
"Cassandra. No."
We sat in awkward silence. Aunt Lucy stared at the clouds overhead and Addie kicked her legs back and forth in her chair.
I'd gambled and lost. "May I please go for a walk?" I asked, standing, my heart pounding against my chest.
"Of course," Mom said. "You go right ahead."
I pushed my metal chair back, legs scraping across the deck.
Aunt Lucy looked confused. "If you girls need some time to yourselves…"
"No," Mom said, raising her hand to stop Aunt Lucy from standing. "You go ahead, Cassandra. We'll be right here. Take your time, sweetheart." She smiled at me and I could tell she felt badly about our fight, but I was furious at her for not giving me what I wanted.
I took the deck stairs down to the yard, walked out the gate and followed the road to the beach. There's an old tear-down house on the water. Some couple in California bought the lot, but they've been working on the plans for their dream house for years, which means their house sits abandoned with a dock in front of it and an empty boathouse. It's a little like having my own private beach. I sat on a piece of driftwood and inhaled the salty air, trying to calm my racing heart. I was so angry at myself for screwing up the conversation with Mom. In a single day, our entire family had changed.
I walked back to the house the long way, not up the main road, but in the greenbelt between the houses that Addie and I called the Forgotten Woods. When we were little we’d played in there for hours building forts, and biking over the bumpy trails. It’d been a while since I’d walked beneath the canopy of trees with nothing to worry about but coming home before sunset. Those were the days before boyfriends and lies.
One week before, my only problem had been a broken heart. A beautifully uncomplicated and non-scary broken heart. I was shocked to realize I was nostalgic for that feeling.
I reached the edge of the woods and stared at our house. I needed to make a decision. I'd asked Mom for permission to see RD and she'd said "no." Which meant if I wanted to see RD, it would be in secret. Seeing RD meant I would have to lie.
Chapter 15
RD called me a few days later after dinner. The moment I heard his voice I knew what I was going to do.
"You got some time tonight?" he asked. I could hear halyards in the background and imagined him walking up and down the dock, the sound of the waves softly lapping against the pilings.
"Yes,” I said, stepping into the dining room and walking toward the window. Mom, Aunt Lucy and Addie were in the kitchen behind me. I heard Addie's steady chatter and the sound of water running as Aunt Lucy rinsed dishes. We'd just finished clearing the table and Addie wanted to make ice cream sundaes for dessert.
"Great." I could hear the smile in his voice. "I need to head to the mainland this weekend and I thought it would be good to do some work on the back railing before I take off."
"Yeah, I can be there in, like, thirty minutes," I said, chewing on my finger.
"Awesome."
RD hung up and I stood at the window, staring outside. How was I going to get out of the house?
In the kitchen, Addie sat at the counter with a bowl of chocolate ice cream in front of her. She had a dish of strawberries, a can of whipped cream, cookies and gummy bears on the counter, as well. Aunt Lucy sat beside her, placing the gummy bears on the ice cream as if she were decorating a cake.
"We'll call it 'gummy mountain,'" Aunt Lucy said, as Mom watched, smiling. She stood with her back to the sink. The whole scene made me want to scream. Addie was never allowed to make monster desserts like that before. I felt like it was another sign that Mom wasn't Mom. I wanted to run out the front door.
"You okay, Cass?" Mom asked. "You look sick." She must have misinterpreted my expression and, suddenly, Mom herself was the one who opened my escape hatch.
"Yeah, I think I'm coming down with something."
"No dessert?" Aunt Lucy said, squirting enough whipped cream on "gummy mountain" to smother the poor bears.
"No. I think I need sleep. It's been a long week." I looked directly at Mom. I knew she couldn't push me too hard after the last few days.
"Wanna stay up and watch a movie with me?" Addie interrupted.
"I'm too tired, Addie."
"But it's a really good one, Cassie. It's that western vampire movie."
I shot a look at Mom. "I thought Mom said you couldn't watch that one because it's super violent?" Coco Puffs, chocolate ice cream, vampire westerns. I may have been plotting my escape out of the house, but I could still be annoyed by my sister's new privileges.
Mom shrugged. "It's just a movie, Cass."
"Right, just a movie," I sighed.
Mom grabbed my hand as I walked away. "Cassandra, you rest. I love you, darling."
I almost felt guilty. Almost.
I went upstairs and I waited. I lay down on my big purple quilt, the one Mom had made for me when I was in first grade, and I stared at the ceiling above my bed. I listened until I heard the sound of dishes in the kitchen stop and the hum of the television. Addie's vampire cowboy movie was good and noisy. It was much less likely anyone would hear me leave. Then I lifted the window next to my bed, and climbed outside onto the roof scooting toward the fireplace. My tennis shoes gripping the cracks in the uneven bricks, I slithered down the side of the house. I'd been doing this since I was ten, but usually I was going to meet Priya at the dock, not run to the harbor to meet a guy I barely knew. I never even stopped to consider that maybe I was making a mistake.
I hit the ground and ran. In ten minutes I'd be at the marina and, with any luck, no one would even know I was gone. I didn't want to be caught, I didn't intend to be caught but, as mom always said, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
In the marina parking lot, I saw RD's car parked by the gate. Bill had strung colored lights through the fence making it look like Christmas in summertime. I opened the gate and headed toward Kismet. The smell of salt water and fresh cut grass filled the air. The clanking halyards and the soft lapping of the waves on the sides of the boats seemed too peaceful, a calm before a storm. Ahead of me on the dock, RD had set up a work light so he could see Kismet at night. Suddenly, I wondered how long RD wanted to work on the boat. I hadn't asked any questions and I knew the longer I was out of the house, the more likely it was I would get caught. Maybe I wasn't cut out for this. I thought about calling RD and telling him I couldn’t work when I turned and ran right into him.
"What's up, stranger?" He smiled and laughed. "You have awesome timing."
"I do?" Heart pounding and smile shaking, I managed to answer.
"Yeah, otherwise I would have to explain to myself why I just drove to Safeway and bought these all for myself." He held up a bag of marshmallows. "I'm too tired to work. I was going to call you and cancel."
"That's okay. I can go," I said, halfway between relieved and disappointed.
"Don't be stupid," he said. "Wanna roast marshmallows?"
I had an "out," a way to go back home without disappointing RD, but I already felt better just seeing him. I wanted to sit with him by a fire. I wanted to be anywhere but back in my house. "Yeah, I love marshmallows."
RD had a small red barbeque attached to the back rail of the boat. I sat on the bench, hugging my bandaged knees as he poured lighter fluid on the coals. The smell of fuel was thick in the air.
"So, when I was a kid," he said, stirring the red coals, "I loved roasting these things. My Dad was not as into it but for me, I didn't think summer started until we roasted marshmallows. So, let’s say hello to summer.” He grinned. “How wa
s your Aunt Lucy?" He handed me a stick and placed the marshmallow bag on the bench beside me.
"She's okay."
"Is she going to live with you, help you with your mom?" We both scooted closer to the barbeque. The sky had turned dark. Stars glittered overhead as I slowly rotated my marshmallow, trying to keep it an even gold without setting it on fire.
"I guess," I said, adding under my breath, "I don't even know her. She wasn't around when I was growing up."
RD's marshmallow caught on fire. He blew it out and then ate it before leaning back in his seat to listen to me.
"Mom and Aunt Lucy had a big fight after my dad died." I looked at RD to see if he was going to interrupt me and ask me how or when, but he didn't. "Mom is a free spirit, you know. She had the restaurant and she grew her own vegetables and she was talking about feeding cows hormones and stuff that you hear about on the news all the time now, way before anyone else was."
"She sounds pretty smart." He smiled. "Another marshmallow?"
It's hard not to feel a little bit happy roasting marshmallows on the back of a sailboat. RD was so easy to talk to. He told me all about growing up in Florida, how he'd been a surfer and learned to sail. When he started at the University of Washington, he had a basketball scholarship, but then his dad died. "Luckily, he didn't live to see me totally fuck up everything."
"It's just a sport, isn't it?"
"I fucked up more than that."
RD reached beneath the bench and pulling out a cooler he took out a beer. "You want one?" I must have blanched. "Seriously, my bad. I keep forgetting how young you are, seriously.”
"It's no big deal," I said, wanting to be cool. I'd been drunk before. Well, only once. Priya and I got drunk at her house working up the nerve to crash a "clique" party. We'd both been so freaked out about how we felt that we ended up watching movies in her basement and never left the house. And we both puked. The next day, I felt like I'd eaten cotton and the smell of beer made me dry heave. It wasn't exactly what I'd call a total success.
But RD held the brown bottle in the air. Moisture glimmered off its sides. I remembered the warm feeling I'd had drinking the beer at Priya's house. Feeling a little numb sounded okay to me. "Actually, I'd love one," I said.
He looked hesitant. "This is a bad idea."
"I don't think I care right now."
"Fair enough." He uncapped the bottle and handed it to me. The glass felt wet and cold against my hand. I took a swig and tried not to cringe.
"Pretty good," I said, trying to pretend I knew something about it. Honestly, it tasted kind of bitter, but I made myself take big gulps.
RD looked over his shoulder. "If anyone walks by, you drop that, okay?"
"Got it." I took another swig. The bubbles hurt my throat when I swallowed too fast and I could feel the cool liquid hitting my stomach. I hadn't eaten much dinner and, already, I felt warm and tingly. This was going right to my head and I liked how free it made me feel. I felt brave. "I don't have anyone to talk to but you," I said.
"Still not talking to the best friend?"
"No," I took another swig. "I could call someone else, but I don't want to. I don't want to explain anything. I just can't do it."
"I'm sorry this is so hard on you, Cass," he said, his voice low. "I wish I could fix it. I can tell you that someday everything will be all right again. You've got a good head on your shoulders."
I finished my beer and set it on the deck.
"I'm not that good," I said, feeling reckless. "Can I have another beer?"
He hesitated.
"Please?"
He handed me one. "You didn't drive here."
"No, I walked."
"Okay," he said. "So what have you done that's been so bad? Besides drinking these two beers."
"Well." I looked at the sky overhead, stars sparkling faintly against the fading blue of the day. "I've... I've..." I could not think of a single rebellious thing. I could tell him I'd snuck out, but then he’d know I didn’t have permission to work on the boat. "I’ve done nothing. Absolutely nothing wrong ever. Never. Ever. Maybe I am good," I laughed. "Good and boring."
"Do not underestimate 'good.'"
"So what do you do?" I asked. "When you're not here."
"I'm a TA at the UW while I finish up my degree." He leaned back in his chair. "I’m majoring in Economics because that's what my father wanted me to do."
“You wanted to do something else?”
“Yeah, maybe art, something creative. The truth is I don’t even know.”
I flushed, thinking of the sketch he’d left in the restaurant. I kept the drawing folded up in my jewelry box. I took a swig of my beer. “You definitely need a do-over. So you can figure things out." I said, remembering our conversation sailing. My head felt like I was swimming; the rocking of the boat felt deeper and wider and I wanted to reach across the boat and touch RD. I knew I could be exactly what he needed.
"Yeah,” he smiled. “I still like that. I like hanging out with you, Cassie.”
"Me, too."
And we sat like that, with those words between us, and I wondered if I should tell him that Mom said I couldn't help him on the boat, that she needed me in the restaurant, but I couldn't. I was so afraid if he knew anything about the lies I told to be with him, he would send me home. This had to stay secret or it would end.
I took deep breaths and stared at my marshmallow above the burning coals. The edges puffed up turning it a soft gold. It was perfect. The most perfect marshmallow I’d ever seen. I ate it slowly letting the crisp sugary sweetness melt in my mouth.
"It's getting late,” RD said, standing. “I'll drive you home. You got breath mints?"
"No. Why?" I covered my mouth horrified I might have bad breath.
"Rookie," he said, pulling a tin out of his pocket and handing me a round white mint. "You gotta have mints to cover your tracks. Come on. I'm parked right in the lot. You'll be even later if you walk."
My head felt foggy from the beer and my mouth tasted sweet and felt sticky from the marshmallows. I felt hot inside as I climbed into RD’s car.
"Thank you for talking to me, RD," I said as we drove along the winding road toward home. "I want to do everything right with you."
"You what?"
"I mean on the boat. I want to do things right on the boat." I had to concentrate on my voice. My mouth didn't feel like it belonged to me. I think I was drunk. I couldn't believe the things I wanted him to do to me. I imagined him turning off the engine and pushing me back against the seat, his legs pressed up against mine, the weight of his body next to me. I wanted to feel his lips. Were they soft or firm? I wanted to know what it would feel like to have his tongue inside my mouth. Being with RD, I felt reckless and beautiful. Not broken and rejected, standing on the edge of a sadness so deep that I thought I might drown if I took one false step.
"This is close enough, I think," he said. He pulled over to the gravel side of the road where we’d parked before. "I'll walk you part way."
"Okay." I got out of the car and pointed down the path into the Forgotten Woods. "This way."
The air had chilled, but I felt like it helped clear my head. Or maybe it was just being next to RD, hearing his footsteps right behind mine. I'd snuck out. I'd made it home. RD was with me.
"All right. I guess this is 'good night,'" RD said. We stopped underneath a tall pine tree that a neighbor had decorated with sparkling white lights. I'd always imagined there was magic in these woods. Standing next to RD, I believed it was true.
Mom calls beer "fool's courage." And she's probably right because I took a step forward and hugged RD. I buried my face in his chest and felt his chin fall onto the top of my head. His arms wrapped around me and I felt him pull me tight and run his hands up and down my back.
"Cassandra," he said, saying my full name. "You're sweet. You know that?"
I pushed against him wanting to get closer. I felt this roaring rush of adrenaline move through my whole body an
d a shaking deep in my core. I had reached out and touched him. And look what I had done. He was touching me back. It was amazing. I felt powerful, like he really needed me. Only me.
"Cassandra, this isn't the kind of thing I can do." But, still, he held me tighter. "I'm not supposed to do this…"
"Do what?" I whispered and looked up at him.
RD leaned in closer and kissed me. Standing beneath those sparkling lights, I felt as though I'd stepped into a magic and forbidden world. I knew I wasn't supposed to kiss him back, making the feeling even more dangerous. RD kissed me hard, his tongue parting my lips and going deep inside my mouth. His hands dug into my back and he pushed my body up against the trunk of that sparkling tree. I could smell the green of the branches and feel his body against mine. His mouth felt so hot I wanted to disappear into the heat and escape the cool night air.
He took a breath and stepped away. He laughed, pulling a stray pine needle out of my hair. "Wow," he said.
"Wow."
"That is so not what we are supposed to do, but seriously, wow."
He leaned down and kissed me again, but gentler this time. Since the first day I'd seen him on the water sailing toward me, the feeling that he was searching for me had led me here. I believed all of it when his lips pressed against mine. If anyone had told me that this was wrong, that someone his age shouldn't say these things to a girl like me, I would have told them that they were mistaken. They had to be wrong because this was the only thing in my life that had ever felt right.
Suddenly, a light flashed brilliantly around us. I blinked, wondering why I was seeing spots and then it happened again.
"Oh, my God. That was a camera," I said. Someone had just taken our picture.
Chapter 16
"Who would be out in the woods taking pictures?" RD asked. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and looked into the shadows.
"Oh, you'd be surprised," I said, looking around for Addie. It was hard to see through the spots in my eyes. I knew that RD was wondering the same thing. Had we been caught? A twig broke as someone moved along the path in front of us. It's amazing how a shock like that makes your brain sober up. I felt totally alert. The groggy, warm feeling of before vanished.
Lie to Me (an OddRocket title) Page 9