‘GO!’ I say it more firmly this time, more forcefully, holding my breath until I hear the click of my door closing behind his silent steps, before exhaling and crumbling into the nearest seat with an exhausted thud, and yet another bout of unwelcome and uncontrollable tears.
I feel like my heart is crumbling to dust.
Chapter 10
It has been days since Arrick left my room and I am barley functioning. I have moped around, either at home, until my mother’s pandering efforts have driven me mad, or at Emma, or Leilas, who are equally suffocating me. Jake is my only respite, with his shrugged off chill, and his ‘life’s too short’ attitude, he tends not to dwell on ‘matters’ with me and just lets me hang out. He’s keeping me sane, while everyone else is mothering me to insanity.
I am restless, listless, antsy and just need to let off some steam to feel normal for one night. Every part of my body is screaming to go out and get blind drunk and numb for a few hours, but I am stopping myself from going down that route again. I am really trying to behave, listening to my counsellor, whom I saw this morning for the first time again, and trying like crazy to keep my head above water.
My hearts bruised and in pain but I’m handling it. I know why I feel this way, and it’s making a difference to how I deal with it.
James, my therapist suggested keeping a journal to combat these feelings, suggested I take up a hobby or fitness regime to help with the urges to just drown my sorrows. He is fully on board with me taking some sewing classes in town that interest me, and maybe trying my hand at a seamstress course at the local evening college. He thinks a focus will help me move on in life, help me find my path and for once, my parents aren’t criticising my choice of following fashion studies. I think they realise it’s better than the life I have been living.
Arrick has tried to call me numerous times, I have no idea why he would even try. There is nothing he can say to fix this and I’m blanking his calls; talking to him will only make this harder to accept. He’s back in the city, news going on about his fight tonight against some well-known fighter that could really boost his career, and already, I have decided I am going to go to bed and ignore it, while everyone here gathers at Jake’s house to watch it on his ‘humongous’ ridiculous screen in his cinema room. The families always like to gather for ‘notable events’ like this. Huntsbergers and Carreros, the two halves of my life.
I told myself that I need to cut ties with him if I am ever going to get past this, have read enough ‘How to heal your heart’ articles in women’s magazine in the last few days to arm myself with every tool women use to get over a broken heart, and am fully committed to doing so. I want my life back, my sanity and some sense of control over things. I am on this path now, to make myself happier and I intend to do anything in my power to change how I have been existing.
All the usual suggestions have been noted; get a makeover, cut your hair, get a hobby. I have compiled a tick list, sighing at them as I did so, but willing to try anything to get out of this two-year funk which has driven me to this place. I’m being productive, taking matters into my own hands and trying to prove to myself that I can beat this. Treat it like a bump in the road, and distance myself emotionally from what ‘it’ is.
I have listed everything from, burn anything connected to him, to wiping him off your social media. I have put everything that reminds me of him in a box and given it to Emma, I don’t want to destroy the things he gave me over the years, but I know Emma will take care of them in case I ever feel able to have them back. And there is a lot, I never realised until now, just how often he used to buy me gifts, stuffed animals or little trinkets, or give me meaningful things, like birthday cards with whole paragraph messages inside; or the letters he sent me when he went to London for four whole weeks, and I told him I wanted postcards and ‘snail mail’ as well as texts and calls. He sent me pretty much a daily postcard with an attached breakdown of what he was doing on paper, in an envelope with whatever souvenir of his day he had found. I had café napkins, a bottle cap, a Big ben keyring, and other random things from that trip.
I’m staying off all social media completely, taking down my accounts for time out and hoping the break will help me sort my head out, instead of all out deleting him from everything; which would also mean removing thousands of pictures. It would also feel wrong to click unfriend or block on things he has always been a part of.
Emma is helping me the best she can, being positive and focused and the combined group of four children, between Leila and Emma, has been enough to exhaust me most afternoons. The twins, Noah and Wiley are only five, so between them, and Mia and Lucas, running around the yard, I have found a useful fitness regime. I have even watched little Adam, my brother Ben’s son, while his wife Grace was in town to see family. He is seven now, the absolute spitting image of Ben, and weirdly Lucas, they could pass as brothers, despite no actual blood link. Not that I’m surprised, my brother Ben, and Jake, are scarily similar and had once been best friends who looked almost like twins. All these babies have been a godsend the last few days.
I hate to admit it to myself, but being home, and surrounded once more by these people, is doing so much more for me than the last months with my so-called friends. Just the time to be at peace and not focus on anything except the kids and my family, is in its own way soothing me in ways that it never used too. I guess knowing where my pain has been coming from has changed my whole outlook and made it more manageable. Having that focus, having some sense, instead of free falling, has really helped me get back to how I used to be, focused and centred on more.
I’m watching Lucas build sand castles in his sand pit, while Mia hangs upside down on her monkey bars in the back yard, sun beating down and sewing a tester panel of stitches from a book I got from a local sewing shop. So far, I have managed to master six of the fancy stitches, and feeling majorly pleased with myself at my ability to get this so quickly.
‘Hey you.’ Jake scoots down on the grass beside me, wearing shorts that are not usually his thing and a loose T-shirt with some obscure band logo I have never heard of. He is obviously in casual mode and home for the day, Emma is taking a nap as her pregnancy progresses and wipes her out more. Jake is an attentive mate in life, he still takes care of her as though she is fragile glass and I find it endearing that he takes time off work as often as he can, to be a daddy and husband first. He used to be such a workaholic.
‘Hey.’ I smile back at him, hating the similarities today that I can see to his brother in that all too good-looking face. Every now and then I get a major pang, from something like this, a look or a mannerism from Jake, and Arrick flashes across my mind. I have to push it down deep and focus hard on something else.
‘You have been awfully quiet the last few days, no urges to go get shit faced and sleep in the bushes?’ Jake nudges me playfully and I mock scowl his way.
‘Remind me why I even like you?’ I raise an eyebrow his way and duck when he makes a play for a head lock. I push him away and point at the very sharp needle I am wielding and then motion that I will poke him in the eye if he keeps this up. He just grins and settles down again.
‘Because I rescued you, and you are eternally in my debt. Besides, you love me because I keep Emma happy, and as you love her the ‘mostest’, you love me too.’ Jake pushes my shoulder again, watching his son attempting to feed himself sand with a shudder.
‘Lucas… No sand in the mouth baby. Daddy knows it tastes like yuck, and it’s nasty.’ He motions for his son to lower the shovel and the little angelic face does as he is told, lifting a pacifier from beside him, sticking it in his mouth instead. Jake smiles proudly. Obviously smug with the parental control he has exerted over his child.
‘You know he buried that things minutes ago, right?’ I point out, Jake frowns and grimaces.
‘Don’t tell Emma I let our son eat sand again, she will string me up. It’s worse than the Play Doh thing.’ He turns his head to check on his eldest child an
d shoots to his feet when he realises she is nakedly streaking across the garden, her little pile of pink sparkly clothes and shoes, neatly piled under the monkey bars where she had been seconds before. I burst out laughing as I watch Jake tackle her into mid-air and haul her back to retrieve her clothes.
‘Takes after her daddy, I see.’ I giggle as Jake frowns, holding up pink underwear in an attempt to figure out which way they go on, while holding a wriggling naked child who is a little too old to be streaking.
‘Mia, how many times? Daddy doesn’t want the world to see you naked. It really worries me that this is your chosen mode of fashion.’ Jake is frowning while messing with the pile of clothes, plonking her down while he shoves her panties back on her legs and hauls them up. He makes swift action of dressing her back up, proving it isn’t the first time, and ends up with her shoes firmly tied on.
‘I like being naked daddy… I like the wind.’ She says sweetly and innocently up into his face, Jake just looks mortified and shakes his head at her; he frowns harder, something catching his eye over his daughter’s head and alerting him to something else.
‘Lucas NO… Put the sand down.’
I turn to see Lucas has the shovel in his mouth and a face literally covered in wet sand that hints most was in his mouth already. Jake sits back and sighs as his son attempts to spit it out down his t-shirt, Jake looks my way imploringly.
‘I don’t know how Emma does it! How she juggles these two, while being pregnant, they’re always into everything. I feel like she must have two sets of eyes and hands.’ Jake moves to scoop up his son, setting Mia free and reaching for wipes to clean the worst of his face. He’s given the nanny time to go sort the children’s rooms, and do whatever she does, when he decides to take control of babysitting duties.
‘Emma is a pretty amazing mom though, she just seems to be effortlessly good at it.’ I concur, smiling fondly at the mention of her.
Jake smiles, obvious pride crossing his face at the mention of his wife and I feel a little envious at the obvious love and devotion that comes over Jake whenever Emma is the focus. He still, even after five years married, dotes on her like a love-sick fool and can never keep his hands off her when they are together. I can’t help the fleeting moment of wonder that runs through my head if Arrick is like that with Natasha behind closed doors. I know publicly he seems cool with her, and they don’t do a whole lot of touchy feely public displays of affection, but I know he’s a sweetheart underneath that outward persona. Always so gentle with me, always held my hand wherever he took me, always attentive and adoring. It pains me a lot to even think about this, and I push it down harder than I normally do.
Jake deposits Lucas back down, past the sand pit, on top of his sit and ride, Mia is pushing a dolls pram around now and Lucas seems to follow her. Jake comes back to lounging on the grass, keeping eyes keenly trained on the pair of them. Body poised in stealth mode, in case he needs to jump up again.
‘You watching the fight tonight?’ Jake nudges me, to bring my attention back from picking at the stitch I just mucked up.
‘I dunno… I think I may go to bed early, I’ve been trying to fix my sleeping pattern back to something normal.’ I try to avoid his penetrative gaze. That all knowing eye of his.
‘Still avoiding my brother then?’
I don’t react, knowing fine Arrick talks to his brother constantly, they’re close as hell. Emma also tells Jake everything, and the last few days he has hinted more than once that he is fully aware of what’s going on. Jake likes to make it clear he is in the know, but he also likes people to come and talk to him when they’re ready. Unless it’s Emma of course, he hounds her like crazy if he thinks she’s not telling him something.
‘What else can I do? I’m trying to do what’s best for me right now.’ I look down once more, focusing on the sampler with its neat rows of black thread and pray Jake gets distracted by the kids once more. Not really wanting to have a love chat about his brother, while he’s sitting beside me acting all fatherly.
It’s plain weird.
‘I think it’s messed him up a little, if I’m being honest. I mean you two have always been close and now he can’t even talk to you. He sounds stressed and he asks how you are, like every day.’ Jake starts massacring the lawn absentmindedly, by pulling out clumps of grass and letting them fall in the breeze.
‘I don’t know what else to do Jake. I’ve never had to navigate anything like this before, and he needs to just give me space. I’m working and focusing on me right now. I don’t have head space for that mess.’ I sigh, looking up into the clear blue sky of another perfect day and shielding my eyes, looking for some sense of answer in the vast clearness.
‘If it helps, I think you’re doing the right thing. You both need some space to gain some perspective, and some time to just get used to not having each other in your life.’ Jake turns to his right and jumps to his feet suddenly, back in pursuit of the naked Mia and this time I can’t help but fall into fits of giggles. Breaking the tension.
‘For god’s sake Mia, your mother is going to end up tying you up if she catches you streaking again.’ I am poorless with laughter, as Jake tries like mad to coax his naked child from under the play chute where she has successfully managed to squeeze, and is refusing to come out. Her clothes are now a trail of discarded piles across the garden. Lucas is still on his little car, driving around and beeping the horn contentedly, and completely unconcerned that his sister loves being naked a little too much.
This one is going to be another Carrero wild child when she grows up.
‘Mia?’ Emma’s voice drifts across from the patio door, I look up to see Emma waddling our way in a long white dress that gives her a sort of earth Momma vibe, she is barefoot, hair loose and wild like always, and looks beautiful. Rested from her nap and back to face the world and her children.
Mia untangles herself and crawls out, caught by her father, who walks her back, holding her by one arm while retrieving her clothes. He moves close to Emma, leaning in to kiss her tenderly on the mouth, before sitting down on a chair, pulling Mia onto his lap and once again dressing his child. Emma shakes her head and quietly chides Mia out of my ear reach, so as not to embarrass her, the little girl is staring up wide eyed and on the verge of tears as her mommy gently asks her to stay dressed. Emma always did have more control over Jake’s offspring than he did, Mia is his ‘mini me’ and it is no surprise that Emma is able to handle both equally well.
She moves to a lounger near me and awkwardly tries to manoeuvre into it. Jake is fast on his feet, letting Mia go, while only half dressed, and helps his wife settle down into the chair, nuzzling her neck and whispering something to her, before fully letting her go. Emma’s face heats and she nudges him lightly in the ribs, eyes locked for an intense moment before he goes back to retrieving his child, and back to covering her up.
I look away from what was obviously another private moment between the love birds, with a pang of envy. Again, pushing Arrick out of my head.
‘I have no idea where she gets this urge to be a naturist.’ Emma smiles at me as the housekeeper appears with a tray of iced tea, and juice for the kids; Emma thanks her gently and nods for me to take one.
‘She’s Jake’s kid. I think the urge to be naked stems from being a Carrero.’ I giggle, reaching for a glass and taking a long drink. I can’t even say that’s not true for Arry. He is topless with just shorts for both training and fights, he likes to be that way when he goes anywhere hot and has no qualms about walking around at home in the same. He’s always been as comfy with his body as his brother, and obviously Mia too. Not that I can blame him, he certainly has a body worthy of ogling and his tattoo sleeve and upper chest artwork only enhance what is already pretty hot eye candy.
See, this is why it was easy to fall for him.
‘Hmmmm.’ Emma agrees, watching Jake bending over the top of Lucas as he fishes more sand out of his mouth, that he is still spitting up. It is obvious she is
more checking out his ass, than checking on his parenting skills, and I shake my head with a smile.
‘Or a child that likes to eat all forms of dirt.’ Emma smiles and giggles before taking a drink herself and settling back down.
‘Not long before you have a third, with an equally weird fetish huh?’ I nod at her bulging expanse of belly as Emma sighs.
‘I have four weeks to go, four more torturingly long weeks, before I get to hold this little bundle.’ She smooths her stomach, leaning back her head on the pillow and closes her eyes against the sun.
‘Do you know the sex?’ I enquire, stretching out my legs to sun them in my denim cut offs. Feeling lighter when she’s around, more attempts at carefree.
I am back to dressing like a pre-teen, in baggy tops and shorts, somehow my current fragile frame of mind has made me revert to comfort and casual. All my revealing and tight clubbing clothes have been put out for the trash man this morning, in another emotional bout of gutting out the past. I have tried to remove Arrick’s lecture from my head about dressing like a hooker and told myself I am not doing it for him.
Not entirely.
‘No, Jake likes the surprise, but deep down I think this is another girl. I just have a feeling and I wasn’t wrong with the other two.’ Emma takes another sip of her drink and lifts a shielding hand over her eyes as she watches her husband kick a ball around with Mia, trying to make sure she keeps her clothes on this time. I squint there way for a second, smiling at the picture they make and turn my attention back to Emma.
‘Names?’ I roll onto my stomach, enjoying the heat on the back of my legs and regarding Emma carefully.
‘Jake picked the last two, so this one’s all mine. I kind of like the name Ava, something just tells me this is a little Ava. It has a romantic sound to it.’ Emma beams down at her bump, which is now moving slightly, smoothing her hands over and going back to her previous resting position.
The Carrero Heart_Beginning_Arrick and Sophie Page 19