Forever x
He gave that to me not long after my sixteenth birthday, in a card about being best friends. He doesn’t understand why I am giving it to him now obviously, judging by the frown on his face and the questioning look he throws me.
‘Call it a retraction, you can have forever back. I no longer hold you to it!’ I pout, slamming the drawer closed aggressively and move to the bed to close the boxes I have left there without looking at him. I ignore him watching me, can feel that hazel focus on my every movement as god knows what goes through his head.
I can tell by the way he’s holding the picture and just regarding me silently that he’s letting it go. He knows I’m still pissed and acting out, and he’s leaving me to simmer and calm down, when he probably thinks he will get more sense out of me. That may have worked for teen me, when pissed about something dumb or childish, but this right here. He can go jump out the window after his flowers for all I care.
‘I’ll start taking these to the car. Bring down the lighter stuff but leave the heavy stuff for me.’ Arrick moves away, throwing me another unreadable look, deciding to let me stew and not make this worse, and then just makes his way downstairs; after lifting the biggest box from the bed.
I bite on my lip, curbing the urge to cry at how this feels right now. Hating that we’re fighting, but hating more that even after kissing me like he did, he still can’t figure out what he wants. My heart is dying, I just want him to love me the way I love him, and this is killing me inside
I notice he’s propped my picture back on the small unit by the door when he exited, standing there like some sort of weird symbol or answer maybe.
I have no idea what to even make about that at all, turning away from it as though it isn’t even there at all.
Chapter 20
I have finally unpacked the clothes I want to keep handy into Arrick’s spare room wardrobe, every other box is piled neatly in the corner as I know with the speed the Carreros get things done, I should have an apartment sooner than later. I am looking forward to having my own space. I know, if last night is anything to go by, staying here is going to get harder as time passes. The sooner I move out and get some distance, some real step up in my life, this show on the road, so to speak, the sooner I will feel better.
The drive home was strained, mostly silent, and Arrick hasn’t even tried to talk me out of my mood. He left me be to look at the scenery and listen to the radio. Four hours of music and heavy silence, with only the odd conversation about food when he stopped to get us a drive through. I have literally lost all will to even try today and he is doing what he does best. Lost in his head, mulling over god knows what and presenting that cool façade to the world as though he hasn’t a god damn care. It makes me feel like punching him in the throat.
I’m hurt and angry, and I just want to shake him until he realises he loves only me, whether it’s true or not. This is starting to slowly drive me insane and I find myself wishing he had never said anything at all about his feelings to me, wishing I was back to never knowing that he cared at all. I wonder if I should have stuck to the plan of cutting him off, and keeping him out, because I know it would be less agony than this dangling on a thread thing he has me doing now. This isn’t how true love is supposed to be, he is supposed to realise he loves me, and only me, and throw everything else aside to be with me.
Why did I have to fall in love with a guy who over thinks, over analyses and cares too much about everyone and everything, to just go with his gut? Why did I have to fall for the one guy who is not an actual asshole, and won’t just do what he wants selfishly, when other people are involved?
‘Dinner is here.’ Arrick ducks his head into my room, looks at me expressionlessly with no hint of anything in his tone at all. We have only been conversing when needed since we got here too, and we’re going through some sort of passive aggressive standoff. He seems as uninterested in resolving this as I am. Tired of the atmosphere and pretty much left me to unpack while he did whatever it is he does in his study, when he disappears in there.
I don’t respond, just drop the makeup bag I’m holding on the bed and follow him out to his open plan lounge. Unaware he even ordered dinner for us and surprised that it’s this late already, the growing dimness of the skyline alerts me to the fact it’s late evening and my day has passed in a blur of driving, silence and pissed off’ness.
He’s set up the food on the dining table at the far wall by his long wide windows, sun is setting in that little corner and the smell of food alerts me to how starving I really am. Stomach grumbling and taking over the aching weight inside of me to give it some respite.
I can’t help thawing a little when I see the familiar red and white takeaway boxes from my favourite Chinese, Arrick normally orders from one on the east side, religiously, but I always claimed that this one was hands down superior. I catch that quick glance my way as I run a finger over the carton nearest, tracing the logo emblazoned there with a little melting of my feisty resolve and sit down opposite him to eat.
There is a choice of things I normally order from the menu, my favourites, all of them in fact. Even things he always refuses to order, simply because he can’t stand the smell of them. He’s really thought about this, even though it’s just food, and I start to unload a selection to my plate with the chopsticks, smiling a little, even though I still want to stay mad as hell at him. He knows how to get under my skin, small glances and that little smug half smile that he knows I have noticed all his attention to what I like. An Arrick peace offering, because flowers were obviously not going to be repeated, and he knows I would never toss food out a window. I feel myself break into a small smile and shake my head, not meeting his eyes that I can clearly feel on me as I stuff food into my mouth ravenously.
‘Still pissed at me?’ Arrick nudges my foot under the table with his, cutely playful and still being coy. I can see his face without looking up, see him watching me with that half smile and dimples on show and just sigh, acting nonchalant and pulling coolness out of my acting hat.
‘Maybe.’ I answer flatly, digging into my food heartily with the hunger of a starved child. Not ready to let him away this easily, just on principle, because I think he should be made to suffer for a little longer. That kiss had been special, amazing, and his willingness to dismiss how it felt and act like it was nothing, is still getting to me on major levels.
Arrick sighs and starts to dig into his food too, looking at me under those perfect almost straight eyebrows of his, that soft hazel glance that could pretty much melt icebergs. If they had him on the titanic then I am pretty sure it would have avoided all disaster on the strength of that look alone.
We’re interrupted by his buzzer. Arrick checks his watch and frowns, obviously not expecting anyone, getting up slowly to walk out of the dining area to go answer it. He has this intercom thing which disables access to his floor via the elevator if he wants privacy. To get up they have to use the front desk, and call up for him to accept it, or if you have a key card and his passcode, then you can get up without buzzing. Whoever it is, clearly has no access card.
I carry on eating, Arrick gets so many people popping by; from mates, like his best friend Nathan, to his fight manager, and sometimes Jake, or even Daniel; it could be anyone, so I don’t even acknowledge when I hear him buzz whoever it is in. I carry on eating, starved and loving my little selection of favourites, all the while hating him a little bit less. I am one of those girls who get decidedly grumpy when she’s hungry and food can solve most of lives problems.
Arrick comes back and hovers at the side of the table for a moment, I glance up, wondering what he’s doing and realise he looks stressed and is staring at me oddly. No longer confident and smug, he looks unsure, nervous, and toiling with verbalising something.
‘What is it?’ I ask him blatantly, he’s weirding me out by the way he’s sort of anxiously hovering beside me, he suddenly crouches down on his haunches, so he can get more level with me a
nd takes my hand in a creepily, serious, way. Making me even more suspicious of what he’s doing.
‘I need you to be good, just for once Sophie. I need you to behave, and just not throw your dummy out, for like one night. Even if you’re still pissed at me.’ He frowns at me and I just look at him like he’s gone nuts. Frowning intently at his face and questioning him with my eyes.
‘What?’ I screw up my face and pull my hand away, wondering what the hell he’s on. Arrick hesitates, takes a deep breath and blows it out slowly, like he is about to tell me my dog got run over, or something equally heart wrenching.
‘Natasha is here. She wants to collect some things and to talk. I just need you to not react.’ He looks at me pleadingly and I feel that heavy pit of weight hit me in the gut. I glare at him and go back to my plate. Throwing off his look, head down and acting like I don’t give a shit.
‘I’m staying right here to eat. I’m not moving from this room, if you want to talk then take her elsewhere.’ I snap petulantly and just make to keep on lifting food with my chopsticks. I hear him take a deep breath. He puts his knees on the ground and straightens up on them, so his head is more on my level. I can feel his apprehension coming off him in droves and it only makes me feel pricklier.
‘Promise me you will try and behave, that you will try and be nice for once. Remember she’s hurting too.’ Arrick is staring at me steadily, I can feel his gaze burning into the side of my face and I turn on him aggressively, temper snapping at the way he is pussy footing around her coming, her feelings; yet lately he hasn’t given a shit about my fucking feelings in all of this.
‘Why don’t you just come out and say it huh? Sophie please do not mention the fact that you’re the reason I broke up with her, and have kissed you twice!’ I snap, picking up my plate and slide past him briskly so that I almost knock him off his legs. I sashay across the floor to the kitchen, to the fridge, yank open the door and pull out a bottle of water without looking his way. Balancing my plate in one hand and acting like the impulsive angry nightmare I used to be.
‘Sophie?’ He seems to be following me again, but the noise of the elevator pinging turns us both around as the light above the door slowly shows it getting to this floor. Like a warning bell of her arrival, how appropriate. Arrick narrows his gaze on me, I can pretty much see the pulse beating in his throat as he tries to curb his reaction right now.
‘Better go run along and welcome your girlfriend in… I think I’ll take the couch and watch a movie!’ I snap at him and drag myself, and the items in my hands with me to the couch in the middle of the room. Walking like a catty hoe and giving zero fucks right now about him, or her. I see him tense his jaw when he throws a look my way, as he walks towards the foyer, furrowing those brows and takes a second of hesitation before talking across the room at me.
‘Don’t make this worse for her. I’m trying…. Just please…. For once in your life. Think about someone else’s feelings.’ Arrick’s words sting me to the core; I snap my mouth shut and look away, tears burn my eyes and I push them down harshly. Hating that he can’t see why I would even be upset about any of this, considering the fact he told me he feels something for me and then proceeded to kiss me like I mattered last night.
Am I just supposed to pretend everything is still the same.
I won’t let either of them see me upset, I dig my heels in, bite down the hurt and drag on that perfect mask of indifference. He wanders off the last few feet to greet the opening doors and I feel myself stiffen inside. I try to relax, try to make this look natural as I can, sitting here with my food. I channel hop to find something to watch, laying my water on the table and pull over a cushion for my lap to cradle my plate.
I hear Natasha’s voice in the foyer with his, greetings and mumbling small talk. I refuse to look their way, even though my heart is hammering in my chest and just focus on the start music to the movie I randomly clicked on. I don’t want to see them embrace. Kiss or whatever, he must be gone in the head to think this is anything but abnormal.
‘Hi Sophie. You look nice today.’ Natasha’s silky sweet putrid voice sets my teeth on edge, I turn her way with a fake smile and catch Arrick giving me eye signals and frowns over her head as he stands behind her. I have to kill the urge to glare at him.
‘Thanks, you too!’ I try for sincere and just sound bored, seeing him give me another scalding look and dismiss it.
Fuck off Arrick.
‘I hope you don’t mind me showing up like this while you two are obviously eating, I just needed some of my things, and I hoped to have a little time with Arrick.’ She still seems to be talking at me, despite my making good at pretending I am engrossed in the TV while stuffing chow Mein in my mouth in a half-hearted way, not caring anymore if I am hungry; it has all turned to cardboard in my mouth anyway. My insides are doing some sort of ‘cha cha’ and my temper has all but set up camp on my heart.
Arrick takes her coat and lays it over the nearby armchair, and her bag too, so I get the impression she is staying, and avoids looking at me anymore.
Not that this is awkward in any way of course, why would he think it would be? Clearly missed the whole love triangle thing he has going on.
‘Nothing to do with me.’ I lift an eyebrow her way with another fake smile and continue trying to will her to get the hell away from me. I feel her watching me and can’t help but notice the weird expression she seems to have on her face, all strangely doe eyed and blinky, and smiling at me with a painfully shy vibe. I look at her questioningly with raised brows, annoyance hitting me in the gut.
‘Sorry, I know I’m staring.’ She giggles nervously and seems to blush.
‘It’s just, I love your new look, so very sophisticated and your make up is gorgeous. Maybe you could give me some tips with mine before I leave. You just look so pulled together.’ I almost blanche at her, screwing up my face, but she’s already looking towards the kitchen behind me for no apparent reason. I glance down at my fitted dress, it’s another Louis Vuitton I picked up with Camilla, tailored knee length shift dress, dark purple and sleeveless and a little bit modest if I am being honest. My hair still being dark means I have stuck with this style and the makeup.
‘Drink?’ Arrick cuts in and it’s only now I realise he’s in the kitchen suddenly, must have hightailed it and is holding up wine, hence why she’s been staring adoringly that way. Arrick rarely drinks the stuff, and only keeps it for social visits. I guess he suddenly feels he needs one right now and Natasha looks equally surprised at his suggestion, I guess I am too. It’s not like him to hit the booze when his life is crumbling before his eyes.
Oh wait… That’s probably because his life has never unravelled at his feet like mine did, because he is in far too much calm control to ever let that happen. Right?
At least she’s no longer trying to become my soul sister and asking me for fashion tips.
For the love of god.
‘Ummm, sure.’ She giggles nervously, and it’s only now I release she’s more dressed up than normal and definitely wearing more make up. A peek at her shoes tells me she didn’t just happen to pop by on the off chance to see him, and is wearing something high and sexy that even I would approve of. She planned on coming here, dolled up and doe eyed, to try and talk him into taking her back. I feel my nerves fray, temper on edge and look her over one more time disapprovingly. Her dress is more fitted than what she normally goes for, less flower and plainer, like something I would wear. A belt, finally, to cinch that tiny waist of hers and her make up is maybe smoky eyed, only applied lightly, with a serious bout of plumping lipstick in rose. Definitely hustling for sex, or a reunion, and I just want to use my chopstick to poke her in the face.
‘Maybe we should take it through to the study, just me and you.’ He looks at her pointedly, a serious tone to his voice, but for some crazy reason Natasha seems to have levitated towards me even more. She seems to have some sort of girl hard on and is practically dry humping the couch beside me.
It is starting to freak me the fuck out, and a glance his way shows only a normal looking, if slightly hyper, Arrick popping over the bottle.
This is too weird for me.
‘I thought we could all, you know the three of us, sit for a while. I know we don’t really get on that well Sophie and I figured maybe it’s time we tried.’ She gives me more bunny eyes and I narrow mine suspiciously, wondering what the hell her game is. Natasha has always tried to be besties with me, it’s like a never ending sad pathetic act she pulls, in an attempt to get on Arry’s good side, but never to the extent of tonight. The urge to respond with ‘Why?’ is slapped down with Arrick hopping over the back of the couch beside me so he lands close enough to sit on me and scares the absolute shit out of me. He throws me a warning look and plonks the wine and glasses he is carrying on the table.
‘Plenty of food, maybe we should pick another movie though, right?… Eat and then take it elsewhere?’ He seems to be having some sort of mental breakdown, eyeing me oddly, some hidden message that I totally miss. Actually, it feels like I am in the twilight zone, and stuck between two people acting like complete freaks, if this is some sort of coercion into a threesome lifestyle then I will literally kick him in the balls.
Because of where Arrick has chosen to fly and land, Natasha has no choice but to sit at the other side of me, so I am literally sandwiched between them with no say in how this is turning out what so ever. Awkward is an understatement and if Arrick is trying to act like everything is innocent and above board right now, with me being here, then he’s literally painting a huge red arrow above his head that says ‘GUILTY’ on top of him in neon letters.
Natasha seems disappointed that he’s sat so far away and starts preening and posing herself on the end of the couch like some sad romance heroin; Arrick seems intent on fitting as much booze in the three glasses as he can physically pour, without spilling over, and I just carefully slide my plate of food onto the coffee table in an attempt to get ready to run from this bizarre scenario.
The Carrero Heart_Beginning_Arrick and Sophie Page 31