by Sandy Taylor
My first thought was one of immense relief. Thank goodness he was going! But then I realised that it wouldn’t be right.
Ralph and Mary were husband and wife. They were having a baby. This was to be their new home. He had left work early to meet her here. He had bought her flowers. This was their life; they had to start living it.
‘No,’ I said. ‘No, you stay, Ralph. I’ll go.’
‘Dottie…’ they both said together.
I shook my head and did my best to smile. Both their faces were anxious. They were worried about me, and my feelings. I loved them both, I really did, but this was awful. I had to get away.
‘I’ve got things to do,’ I said. ‘I’m going to meet someone.’
‘Who?’
‘Sally,’ I said. I looked at the clock on the wall. ‘I’ll see myself out.’
‘Don’t go!’ Mary said, and I knew she was worried about herself as well as me. She didn’t want to be left in the flat with Ralph, on her own. She didn’t want to have to discuss the things they needed to talk about. She didn’t want to make plans with Ralph.
She would have to manage though. She would have to get used to him. That was one thing I couldn’t do for her.
I waved my fingers at them, and left the room, closing the door behind me.
I noticed the tiny little kitchen next to the living room. The other doors were open off the corridor too. There was a bathroom on one side, and an empty room which was the bedroom on the other. I knew it was the bedroom because there was a big dusty oblong on the carpet where a bed had used to stand. A double bed.
I opened the outer door and went back outside into the cold air.
As I walked away from the flats, I knew they were watching me. I imagined them standing side by side watching me go, and I wondered if they had found anything to say to one another yet, or whether they were holding hands. I listened to the sound of the soles of my feet on the wet pavement and I walked faster and faster and as soon as I was round the corner, out of sight, I started to run. I ran through the green, past the swings, I ran and I ran and the wind was in my face and my lungs were bursting. I knew I should stop but I kept on running.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
By the time I got to the park I could hardly breathe, so I sat down on the first bench I came to. I knew I shouldn’t have run like that. I put my hand in my pocket and took out my puffer, thank God I had it with me. I breathed the medicine down into my lungs and waited for it to work. I wanted to cry so badly it hurt, but there were people everywhere. How could life be going on as normal when all I wanted to do was die? I closed my eyes and swallowed on the lump in my throat that was threatening to choke me.
The only way I had been able to get through the pain of Mary and Ralph’s marriage was because I knew that they didn’t love each other. Somehow in my head that had made it okay. I don’t know what I had expected at the flat, but it wasn’t what I had just witnessed, but what the heck else could I have expected? That they would live in separate rooms and not speak to each other forever? What I had just seen at the flat were the beginnings of a life together. I had been the biggest fool. Mary and Ralph were married. They were going to have a baby. Ralph wasn’t mine any more and he never would be.
I looked up and saw a figure running across the park. It was Ralph. I started to get up but something made me stay.
‘I hoped you’d be here,’ he said. He was panting and trying to catch his breath.
‘I must be getting old.’
He sat down beside me, neither of us knew how to start talking, but talking was what we had to do. This was the first time that we had been together since everything had happened.
He was running his hands through his hair. ‘Sorry isn’t enough, is it?’
‘How could you have done that to me, Ralph? How could you?’
‘I could try to make excuses.’ He shook his head as if he was trying to clear it. ‘But nothing can excuse what I did to you. We were both drunk…’
There was anger boiling up inside me. ‘So drunk that you both forgot about me? Would you ever have confessed what you’d done if you hadn’t been found out? You had plenty of time to tell me, months, but you didn’t say a word. In fact, you had the nerve to ask me to marry you.’
‘I just knew that I wanted to marry you. I don't know what I was thinking.
‘I do. You had your bit of fun and you hoped that I would never find out about it. You both made a fool of me. The two people I am closest to in the whole world made a fool of me. Maybe you laughed about it together, maybe you did it again.’
‘No we didn’t, we didn’t. We were idiots, we felt ashamed and wretched, we could barely look at each other. We never did it again, I promise you we never. And we didn’t laugh behind your back, Dottie. I know what you must think about me now but we never meant to make a fool of you. We were the fools, not you. Never you.’
I looked into Ralph‘s eyes and I knew that he was telling me the truth. He wasn‘t a bad person. He just wasn’t the person I thought he was. I wanted to hate him, I needed to hate him, but I couldn‘t.
Tears were rolling down my face, ‘You broke my heart.’
‘And I broke my own.’
There was nothing more to say, talking hadn’t helped. I couldn’t change what had happened.
We sat in silence for what seemed forever. Couples were walking hand in hand through the park, kids were playing with toy boats on the lake. Life was going on, but mine had ended. Eventually Ralph got up. I looked at the boy I loved, as he stood staring down at me. He looked lost. I could have saved him, but instead I straightened my back and said, ‘Mary will be waiting for you.’
I closed my eyes, I didn’t want to watch him walk away.
I don’t know how long I sat on that bench, mourning what I had lost and then allowing myself to remember the wonderful but short time that Ralph and I had spent together, even managing to smile when I thought of our first date up on the Downs and the moment when Ralph asked me to be his girlfriend, and then his wife. I thanked God I hadn’t known then what was about to happen.
I felt different, better in a way, because I was now ready to let something go; I had to let it go. Maybe I had grown up a bit or maybe I had just accepted that it was time to go forward and to stop looking behind me.
I hadn’t really lied to Mary and Ralph when I said that I was meeting Sally. She and another couple of girls at work had been asking me to go out with them for ages but I had always said no. Tonight they were going into Hove and had asked me along. I said I’d think about it, even though I had no intention of going. I’d got it into my head that they were only asking because they felt sorry for me, but standing there in that flat with Mary and Ralph I realised I would have to make a life of my own now and it was going to have to be a life that didn’t revolve around Mary Pickles. She would always be my friend, but it was time to take a step back. If this really was a proper marriage then I had to let them get on with it. Once I had made that decision, it was like a ton of bricks had been lifted off my back.
I got up from the bench and walked across the road to the bus stop and I was soon sitting on the number six bus that would take me into Hove. I rested my forehead against the glass and watched the familiar roads go by; the houses with their yards and chimney pots, the boys on bicycles and the women queuing at the bus stops. Everything looked the same, but somehow it looked different. I was seeing it all through new eyes.
I didn’t go home first. If I went home I knew I wouldn’t go out again. Sally had said they were going to a cafe in George Street straight from work, I just hoped they hadn’t changed their minds. I felt quite nervous as I climbed down the steps of the bus, but also excited. I checked my appearance in the shop windows as I walked along George Street and I thought I looked quite nice.
The cafe was called the Ballerina. Its windows were all misted up, so I couldn’t see if the girls were inside. I stood there for a bit, not knowing whether or not to go in. I wasn’t u
sed to going places on my own. I felt like a baby just learning to walk. Several people walked past me and into the cafe and I was beginning to feel conspicuous. ‘For goodness’ sake, Dottie,’ I said to myself, ‘what’s the worst that can happen? So what if they’re not there? You just walk out again and get the bus back home, the world won’t end.’
I took a deep breath and opened the door. It was pretty packed inside with people sitting at tables. Two girls were dancing round their handbags. Johnny Remember Me was playing on the jukebox. There was a good deal of noise, the music and chatter. It was bright and cheerful with red cloths on the tables and fairy lights round the walls; in fact, it made our cafe look pretty dull. I spotted Sally, Kate and Liz straight away, they were sitting at one of the tables with a couple of boys. Sally looked up and saw me and she smiled.
‘Dottie! Hi!’ she said, beckoning me over. I walked across and sat down. Everyone smiled and raised their hands to greet me.
‘I was just saying to Kate I bet Dottie won’t come. And here you are.’
‘I nearly didn’t come in,’ I admitted. ‘I was standing outside for ages.’
Sally laughed. ‘You daft cow!’ she said.
‘I know,’ I said.
Sally put her hand on my forearm. ‘If you were worried, you should have said, we could have all come together.’
‘I kind of decided at the last minute.’
‘Well you’re here now,’ said Sally. ‘What do you think of it?’
‘I think it’s fab,’ I said, and I meant it. Already I was having fun. I’d missed that over the last few months.
‘This is Dave and Steve,’ said Sally. ‘They’re brothers.’
‘Hi. I’m Dottie.’
‘We haven’t seen you here before,’ said Steve.
‘I’ve never been here before,’ I said. ‘But I’ll definitely come again, it’s really nice.’
‘Steve and Dave work at Butlins,’ said Sally.
‘Bognor Regis,’ said Dave.
‘What do you do there?’
‘We’re redcoats,’ said Steve, smiling at me.
‘That’s how Cliff Richard started!’ I said.
‘That’s right,’ said Dave. ‘And if he can get discovered so can we.’
‘Do you sing then?’
‘We both do,’ said Steve.
‘And one day we’re going to be famous!’ said Dave.
‘In your dreams,’ Liz laughed.
Steve winked at me. ‘Oh ye of little faith,’ he said.
‘So what do you do in between seasons?’
‘Whatever we can get,’ said Steve. ‘We’re working in the arcade on the West Pier at the moment. That’s about the only sort of job we can get because we can only work till May when the season starts again.’
‘So not many places want to take us on,’ said Dave. ‘But the arcade’s okay. It’s great for pulling.’
‘Pulling what?’ I asked.
Dave put his head back and laughed. ‘Girls,’ he said.
‘Dave fancies himself as a bit of a ladies’ man,’ said Steve. He winked at me. I felt my cheeks grow hot. There was something nice about both boys, the way they talked like one person, the way they smiled and laughed. And they were nice-looking, both of them. Steve chewed a drinking straw and I felt his eyes on me.
‘Me and Kate are thinking of joining them next season,’ said Sally.
‘What, at Bognor?’
‘No, Minehead. That’s where they’re going next.’
I’d never heard of Minehead.
‘Where’s that?’ I asked.
‘It’s in Somerset,’ said Steve. Then he put on a funny accent like a farmer. ‘Where the cider apples grow!’
‘I can’t imagine living anywhere but where I live now,’ I said. ‘The farthest I’ve been in my whole life is Chessington Zoo and I went there with the school when I was ten.’
‘Then it’s time you lived a little,’ said Steve, smiling. He wagged his straw at me.
‘No,’ I said. ‘I couldn’t be a redcoat. I’m not any good at things like that.’
‘Have you tried?’ said Steve.
‘I got highly commended in a talent contest once,’ I said. ‘I sang The Merry Merry Pipes of Pan.’
Steve laughed, but it wasn’t in an unkind way, it was friendly.
‘There you are then,’ he said. ‘You can sing!’
‘I thought I could at the time, but I think I was deluding myself.’
‘The judges must have liked you.’
‘They probably felt sorry for me.’
I realised that Steve had moved his chair round so that he had his back to the others and it was just him and me talking to each other. Kate and Liz were up at the jukebox and Sally was laughing at something Dave had said.
‘Anyway there are other things you can do at Butlins, you don’t have to be a redcoat. Where do you work now?’
‘At Woollies.’
‘There are two big stores on the camp selling gifts and stuff. You could do that easily.’
I smiled. ‘I don’t think I’m brave enough for that,’ I said. ‘I know I couldn’t go on my own.’
‘Well I think Sally and Kate have almost made up their minds to go, they’ve sent for application forms. You could go with them. Think of the laughs you’d have! It’s great there, honestly, Dottie! Everyone’s on holiday so they’re all out to have a good time. Everyone takes the mickey out of everyone else, we’re all like one big team, all friends. And you have to come to some of the staff parties! They’re the best!’
‘It sounds brilliant,’ I said.
‘It is! And you get all your board and lodging, and you get paid on top of that!’
‘The thing is, I’m kind of needed here at the moment.’
His face fell. Then he shrugged and smiled.
‘Well, if you change your mind the season doesn’t start until May.’
I nodded.
‘I’ll think about it,’ I said, but I knew in my heart I couldn’t go away, not with Mary having the baby. And in that moment I realised that however much I wanted to move on, I knew that I couldn’t bear to be that far away from Ralph either.
‘Penny for them,’ said Steve.
‘Sorry?’
‘You look sad.’
‘Long story,’ I said.
I Remember You by Frank Ifield was playing on the jukebox; Sally and Dave were dancing to it.
‘Fancy giving it a go?’ asked Steve, holding out his hand to me.
‘Why not?’
I took his hand and we walked onto the little dance floor. It felt strange being in another boy’s arms. Steve was shorter than Ralph and I guess we fitted together pretty well. He didn’t smell the same as Ralph either but he smelt nice, kind of musky and sort of manly, not that I had much experience of what boys smelt like. Steve’s arms tightened around me and I let my head rest on his shoulder.
‘That’s nice,’ he whispered in my ear.
When the song finished, Steve kept hold of my hand and we walked back to the table. Sally winked at me and I smiled back at her. I was having a great time and I hadn’t expected to. Steve was nice. He wasn’t Ralph, but he was really nice. I had a warm feeling inside me. It was a feeling I wanted to hold on to for as long as possible.
‘Can I see you again, Dottie?’ he asked.
‘I’d like that,’ I said. And I meant it.
Mary’s Diary
Dear Diary,
Is it possible to get any fatter? When I look in the mirror I see someone I don’t recognise.
It’s awkward living with Ralph. He’s not unkind to me, but it’s obvious that he doesn’t want to be here with me anymore that I want to be here with him.
I hate sharing the bed with him. We sleep as far away from each other as we can.
This is the pits.
Mary Bennett (the elephant)
Aged eighteen.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
It was mid-December. The baby was due at
any time. Mary was so big it looked as if she was about to burst. She felt tired all the time, her ankles were swollen and she complained about her breasts hurting and stuff that I didn’t really want to know about. It was hard to explain, because Mary was my best friend, and I didn’t want to be anywhere else but with her, but it just wasn’t much fun anymore, and nothing she was doing seemed to have much to do with me. I supposed it would be different when the baby came along and she had more energy again. I honestly thought she would be happier then.
And then there was Ralph. I seemed to spend my life avoiding him. When I was at the flat I was continually worried that he would walk through the door.
I became even better friends with the girls at work and I went out with them every weekend and sometimes in the week. Christmas was not far off and everyone was enjoying the buzz. The shop windows were decorated and Woolworths was full of selection boxes of chocolates and fairy lights and tinsel. Christmas trees were leaning against the wall outside. The smell of pine reminded me of happier times when I was a child. Without noticing, I began to enjoy myself. I was beginning to feel a kind of freedom. I hadn’t stopped loving Ralph, that wasn’t going to happen overnight, and I still missed my old life with Mary dreadfully, but I’d stopped feeling anxious all the time. I laughed more. It was a kind of moving on, and although there was a part of me that wanted nothing more than to live on the edge of Ralph and Mary’s life, I knew that in the long run I would lose myself, and I wasn’t going to let that happen. I would find the strength from somewhere and I would make a life of my own.
I could tell that Mary didn’t like it very much that I was having a life that didn’t involve her at all, so although I was having a great time I played it down. When I was with Mary, I didn’t mention the boys, or how nice they were, and how we would spend hours in the arcade with them relentlessly teasing us and slipping us piles of pennies so that we could have extra goes on the machines. I didn’t mention the plastic mistletoe hung over every table in the cafe or my invitation to the Festive Frolic party night at the Regent ballroom. I didn’t say anything about that to Mary as she sat in the little flat, with her feet up to try to reduce the swelling and her hands resting on her belly, which was getting very round and which I found a bit frightening. It seemed strange, to me, that Mary’s body could change so dramatically without her really having anything to do with it. She was becoming a mother whether she liked it or not.