by Sandy Taylor
Mary’s Diary
Dear Diary,
Ralph is kind and patient with me, he doesn’t judge me. He is so gentle with Peggy. I lie on the couch and watch them together, her eyes light up when she hears his voice. I want to be a better mother, I even hope that one day I can be a better wife. I used to wonder what Dottie saw in him but now I understand. Ralph Bennett is a good man. Mum said that maybe in time we could learn to care about each other. He’s not Elton, I can’t feel the same way I feel about Elton, but we are friends and that’s a good start.
Yesterday was Christmas Day. The three of us spent it quietly on our own. It was nice. Ralph bought a pink rabbit for Peggy, she loved it. She held it up to her face and rubbed her nose in it, it made us laugh. Then Ralph gave me a parcel wrapped in red paper, it was tied up with a green satin bow. I tore it open, it was a sketch pad, a big block of good quality cartridge paper, better than anything I have ever had before, and a box of pencils, a rubber and a sharpener. I laid them all out on the living room floor. Ralph said it’s not Paris but it’s the best he could do. I truly loved him in that moment.
While Ralph is at work I sketch the baby. I have started to draw rough sketches of her sleeping, waking lying on her back or on her stomach, waving her little arms around. I am improving. I’ve done close-ups of her ears, her eyes, her darling little hands. I don’t show my drawings to anyone. I keep them hidden under my bed.
Did I tell you that Peggy’s eyes are the darkest blue? Did I tell you that her hair is the most beautiful shade of red? And did I tell you that I wouldn’t want it to be any other colour?
Tatty bye diary
Mary Bennett (artist extraordinaire)
Aged Eighteen
Chapter Thirty-One
Christmas came and went. It used to be my favourite time of the year but this year my heart just wasn’t in it. Aunty Brenda, Uncle Eddie and Carol came round as usual and in the evening Rita and Nigel came round for their tea. I joined in a game of charades and played Ludo with Dad, but inside I was wishing the day away. Steve bought me a big brown teddy bear and I bought him the latest Eddie Cochran LP. I didn’t go round to the flat, I just couldn’t bear to see Mary and Ralph playing happy families on that day. I waited until it was all over before I went round. One afternoon, having finished work at lunchtime, I stopped off at the shops and bought a present for Mary and Peggy. Peggy didn’t have any toys of her own, only second-hand things that Mary’s mother had given her, and most of those were boys’ toys. She was now two months old and I’d noticed that she had started to reach out for things, her chubby little fingers curling round my hair when I bent over her, and she was sucking the edge of her blanket. I decided on a soft pink rattle shaped like a teddy that chimed when you shook it. For Mary, I bought some magazines, a bag of sweets and a tube of lipstick. I hadn’t seen her wearing make-up since the baby had been born. I thought that might cheer her up.
When I reached the flats, I could hear Peggy crying from the bottom of the steps. I let myself in with the key hidden under the doormat and called Mary’s name but there was no answer. The baby was in the front room in her basket, she was screaming and her face was all red and sweaty. I picked her up. She was wet through and she reeked of urine. As soon as she was in my arms, she began to calm down; the screaming subsided into gulping sobs that made my heart ache.
‘Poor baby,’ I cooed, kissing the silky top of her head. ‘Poor little Peggy, don’t worry, Dottie’s here now. Mary?’ I called again but louder this time. Mary came out of the bedroom rubbing her eyes.
‘What?’ she asked.
‘Oh, Mary!’ I was angry and frustrated. ‘Didn’t you hear her?’
Mary yawned. ‘I was asleep.’
‘Peggy’s soaking wet. Don’t tell me you didn’t hear her crying!’
‘Well obviously I didn’t, did I?’ said Mary. ‘Give her to me I’ll change her.’
‘Are you sure you know how to?’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ she said, glaring at me.
‘You don’t do it very often, do you?’
‘You do it then,’ Mary said. ‘You’re right. You do it better.’
I felt bad then.
‘I‘m sorry Mary, I didn’t mean to say that. I don’t do it better than you. I was just…’
‘I only meant to lie down for a minute or two,’ said Mary. There was a sob in her voice. ‘I didn’t mean to go to sleep.’
‘No of course you didn’t. It’s all right,’ I said. ‘Don’t get upset. I’m here now.’
Mary sat on the sofa watching as I changed Peggy.
‘Who’s a nice clean girl now then?’ I said, tickling her under her chin. Peggy giggled so I tickled her again.
‘She likes you more than she likes me,’ said Mary.
‘Of course she doesn’t.’
‘She does,’ said Mary. Then she sort of stared at me before saying ‘You know she does.’
‘Mary, you have to stop being like this. I haven’t seen her for more than a week. She’s only smiling at me because I’m smiling at her. She just likes the attention. Here, why don’t you hold her?’
‘No,’ said Mary, pulling away from the baby I was holding up to her. Her baby. ‘It’s okay.’
She leaned back against the sofa and closed her eyes. She looked like a little girl, a frail sad little girl.
‘Have you been eating properly?’ I asked. ‘Because you look as if you’ve lost weight.’
Mary sighed and shook her head. ‘I don’t seem to have much of an appetite. I’m too tired to eat. I’m tired of everything.’
‘Perhaps you should see the doctor again,’ I said.
‘That’s what Ralph says.’
I always got a kind of hot feeling in my stomach when Mary referred to Ralph in that way, like they were a family, like they made decisions together. I knew I was being mean and jealous but I couldn’t help it.
I put a fresh sheet in Peggy’s basket and laid her down. I sat next to Mary on the sofa and took hold of her hand. It seemed even smaller than usual and it was cool.
‘I think Ralph’s right,’ I said.
‘He says he’ll make an appointment,’ said Mary. ‘If he could just give me a tonic or something to make me feel less tired then I’m sure I could look after Peggy better.’
‘Yes.’
‘I do try, Dottie, but everything I do just wears me out, so it’s easier to let Mum take over, or Ralph or you. I know what you all think of me, you think I’m a lazy cow and a bad mother.’
‘Of course we don’t,’ I said. But I knew there was part of me that did.
‘And do you know what, Dottie?’ she said. ‘I don’t care, because I’m too tired to care.’
‘I bought you a present,’ I said. I passed her the paper bag containing the lipstick. She took it out, took the lid off and pushed up the tube to look at the colour. It was a paleish peach that I knew would suit her. She looked at it for a moment, then put it down.
‘Don’t you like it?’ I asked.
‘It’s lovely. Thank you,’ she said, in a tone of voice that made me realise she would never wear the lipstick.
‘Shall I make you a sandwich?’
‘No thanks, I think I’ll just go back to bed for a bit now that you’re here. Perhaps you could take Peggy for a walk or something. She’s supposed to have fresh air. It’s supposed to be good for her.’
Mary walked over to the basket and looked down at the baby.
‘I’m sorry, little one,’ she said. ‘Sorry I’m so useless. Dottie should have been your mother. She’d have made a lot better job of it than me.’
I tried not to be irritated by that remark, really I did, but it annoyed me and it upset me and it hurt me. It wasn’t just the pathetic self-pity in Mary’s voice, when nobody had made her go out and sleep with Ralph, nobody had made her go and get pregnant. It wasn’t just that. Mary was right, I should have been Peggy’s mother. If anyone was going to have a baby with Ralph Bennett, it sh
ould have been me! And if it had been me, then I would have loved that baby with every inch of my being and I’d have looked after her and made sure she was always clean and dry and happy and I would never, never in a million years have gone to sleep and left her screaming with her bottom all sore from lying in a nappy soaked with her own wee. And if I had, which I never would have, I’d never have felt sorry for myself about it. Those were the unkind thoughts that were in my head, thoughts that I was ashamed of thinking.
I could hardly look at Mary.
I waited until she’d gone back into the bedroom and closed the door and then I picked Peggy up. Her eyes were beginning to droop. I gently traced the outline of her face with my finger, she was such a beautiful baby.
It was hard work bumping the pram from the front door of the flat down the steps, difficult for me and I was healthy and strong, impossible for someone as weak and tired as Mary. Once I’d got it to the bottom, I went back up to the flat and fetched Peggy. I tucked her in and set off. It was a bit windy but dry. I was wearing my navy duffle coat and green matching scarf and gloves that Aunty Brenda had made me for Christmas. Peggy stared out at me from a red fluffy bonnet; she looked warm and cosy.
We walked to the park where we sat on a bench overlooking the boating pool. There were people playing with motorised boats. They were crouched at the side of the water controlling the boats with little black boxes and the air was filled with the acrid smell of petrol. I put the hood of the pram up because I was worried about the fumes. People smiled at me as they walked past and sometimes they stopped to look in the pram to compliment Peggy on her bonniness and her beauty. I knew that they thought I was her mother and I didn’t do anything to put them right.
* * *
I stayed out with Peggy for hours. I didn’t see the point of taking her back to the flat, and if I’m honest, I didn’t think I could bear another session of misery with Mary. I’d brought a bottle with me, wrapped in a towel in the bottom of the pram, and although it wasn’t quite as warm as it should have been, Peggy didn’t seem to mind. I fed her at a table in one of the cafes and at the same time I had a frothy coffee and a Chelsea bun. One wall was covered in posters and there was one about a mother and baby group, it was being held in a local church hall. I asked the girl behind the counter for a pen and wrote down the number. I would give it to Mary. It might help her to meet other young mums. I felt increasingly annoyed by Mary. She hadn’t even tried to be a good mother. She hadn’t put any effort in at all. She’d just given up. There were times when I thought I would be a better mother to Peggy, that I would love her more than Mary did. There were times when I thought Mary wouldn’t care if Ralph, Peggy and me ran away together. There were even times when I wished that my best friend Mary Pickles would just disappear. Most of all I was worried about Peggy, and the fact that Mary hadn’t heard her crying even though I could hear her from outside.
It had started to rain, so, reluctantly, I headed back to the flat. I left the pram at the bottom of the steps, picked Peggy up all bundled in her blanket, and went up to the flat. Mrs Pickles was waiting at the door.
‘Oh thank God you’re back,’ she said. ‘I was worried sick.’
‘Mary asked me to take Peggy out for some fresh air,’ I said a bit defensively.
‘I know, dear, I know. But let me take her now.’
‘What’s wrong? Has something happened? Is Mary okay?’
‘No, Dottie, she’s not. I’m very worried about her, so I’m taking her and Peggy home with me.’
I followed Mrs Pickles into the front room. Mary was sitting on the couch, she looked even smaller and paler than she had when I’d left her. She had her coat on over her nightie. I sat down beside her and took her little hand, it felt kind of damp and clammy and there was a funny smell about her that I hadn’t smelt before. She didn’t smell like Mary. I thought she probably hadn’t had a proper bath for weeks. Her hair was lank and greasy and her skin was awful.
She did her best to smile. ‘Will you wait for Ralph to come home, Dottie, and let him know we’re at Mum’s? He shouldn’t be long.’
‘Of course I will.’
‘I don’t know what’s wrong with me, Dottie.’
‘Nothing’s wrong with you,’ I said cheerfully. ‘A few days with your Mum looking after you and you’ll be right as rain!’ It was the kind of thing everyone kept saying.
‘I’m scared.’
‘There’s nothing to be scared of,’ I said.
‘You will come over, won’t you?’ said Mary. ‘Once you’ve told Ralph?’
‘I can’t,’ I said, ‘I’m meeting some friends.’
‘Oh.’
Mary’s mum gave me an odd look but she didn’t say anything.
‘Maybe later?’ said Mary
‘I’ll try,’ I said.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Once Mary and her mum had left I started cleaning up the flat. I washed the dirty dishes that were stacked in the sink and got on my hands and knees to clean the kitchen floor. I scrubbed every inch of the bathroom. Then I went into the bedroom.
I picked up the unwashed clothes that Mary had simply dropped on the carpet. I tried not to, but I couldn’t help being disgusted by her slovenliness. There were soiled baby clothes as well as Mary’s dirty underwear and creased nighties on the carpet, and that was covered in a layer of hair and dust. She had spent so long in the bed that the sheets were dampish and musty, blooming with faint, pinky stains. They were still warm and had that same strange smell about them, a smell of sweat and unhappiness. I put the blankets and quilt in the corner and took off the sheets, balling them into the dirty linen pile I’d already made. I’d take the washing down the launderette later. It took me a while, but I heaved at the mattress until I managed to turn it, then I fetched some clean sheets from the airing cupboard in the bathroom. I remade the bed, smoothing the under sheet, taking care with the coversheet. Mum had taught Rita and me how to do hospital corners, because she said there was nothing nicer in life than a well-made bed.
I walked across to the window and opened it wide to let in some fresh air. It had stopped raining and everywhere smelt fresh and new. The flats backed directly onto the Downs. I leant on the window ledge and stared out at the hills. They were green and gentle, wrapped around Brighton like a giant pair of arms, protecting the city. Above the hills, white clouds were drifting lazily through a perfect blue sky.
Spring was just around the corner, but it wasn’t a spring I was looking forward to.
I remembered going up onto the Downs with Ralph for our first date. I remembered sitting beside him on the grass, and how his hand had felt when it first touched mine. I felt a tightening in my throat; I felt as if I couldn’t breathe and then I started to cry, great gulping noisy sobs that filled the flat; it felt as though every part of my body was crying, as if my eyes alone couldn’t hold all the tears that were threatening to choke me. I cried for me, for Mary, for Ralph, for what could have been and never would be. I didn’t know he was there until he spoke.
‘Don’t, Dottie,’ he said. ‘Please don’t.’
He had come into the room behind me and he was standing there now, just a few feet away from me. I thought of all the things we should have said and done together, the life we should have had, everything that I had lost, that had been taken from me.
His voice seemed to trigger something in me and I started screaming at him. ‘How could you do that, Ralph? How could you?’ and I found myself hitting out at him. He didn’t even try to defend himself; he just stood there looking helplessly at me.
‘Haven’t you got anything to say to me?’ I screamed.
‘I’m sorry,’ he mumbled, ‘I’m so sorry.’ He took a step towards me, held out his arms, tried to hold me, but I wouldn’t let him. I pushed him away as hard as I could. For a few moments we stood staring at one another, me panting and sobbing, him pale and subdued. I tried to contain my anger. I swallowed it down. I wiped my nose with the back of my hand.
>
‘Sorry isn’t good enough, Ralph,’ I said. ‘You’ve ruined everything. You slept with my best friend, for God’s sake. Do you really think I am going to settle for sorry?’
Ralph sat down on the newly made bed. He ran his hands through his hair till it stood up at odd angles. ‘I wish there was something I could say that would make you understand,’ he said, ‘but there isn’t, because I don’t understand it myself. I don’t understand how I could have done that to you, or to us.’
I sat down beside him. I held my hands between my knees. ‘You have to try, Ralph. I know there is nothing any of us can do to change things, but I need some answers, I want to know what happened.’
Ralph squeezed his eyes shut as if he was trying to remember that night. ‘Elton was flirting all night with Gemma,’ he said. ‘Mary was drinking everything she could lay her hands on. I was drinking as well, probably more than I would have done if you had been there. Towards the end of the evening I noticed that Mary was missing. I assumed she had gone home, but I thought I had better make sure, so I went looking for her. I eventually found her in a dressing room at the back of the stage. The bass player from Elton’s band was all over her so I told him to leave her alone, that she was drunk. We had a few words and then he went off. Then…’