by Mia Kayla
I inched closer, noticing the slight tremor in her hands. It was the clue that she could soon turn manic. Her hysteria was building because she wasn’t able to locate my father’s pants that went with the shirt lying on the bed.
My forced calm evaporated as sweat beads formed at the back of my neck. Right before I reached for her, she whipped around.
“Here! I found it.” Her eyes were laced with excitement.
All I wanted to do was cry. “That’s great, Mom.” My heart tightened in my chest as I forced a pained smile on my face.
She strolled out of the closet to most likely set the pants against the shirt and tie, and I rubbed my fingers against my brow.
Keep it together.
I couldn’t go through this again. I couldn’t live through another bout of her depression. I didn’t think either of us would survive.
Dad’s dead, I wanted so desperately to tell her as she matched the clothing on the bed like a delighted child. But I kept my mouth shut. I knew those words would be her undoing.
Even though Dad had died when I was eighteen, it was at times like these, seeing her in this state, when the severe ache felt fresh all over again.
Past—Eighteen Years Old
The sun warmed my face as birds chirped in the background. Spring was in full swing, and everything was perfect—except for the silent sobs coming from my mother beside me as she held my father’s picture in her hand.
The sea of black congregated beside my father’s casket as they paid their respects. I should have been crying like everyone else, like my mother.
Wasn’t that what I was supposed to do as his only child? Wasn’t that how I should mourn my father’s death?
If I could force myself to cry, I would push the tears down my face. I wanted to feel sadness. I wanted to feel anything. I just wanted to feel.
Everyone else around me seemed to be affected, filled with such emotion, when I felt nothing, absolutely nothing. Even Jimmy, who hadn’t left my side, had tears pooling in the corners of his eyes.
All I could think was, Why? Why did this happen? Why now?
The more those questions rang in my head, the more I started to warm with irritation. I tightly gripped the wooden chair, my hands like a vise, watching everyone around me break down. My body tensed as I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs and cuss fate the hell out.
Why did you take my father from me? Why? Why?
I gritted my teeth as I dropped a rose on his casket. Then, I watched my father—the one who had called me princess, the one who was supposed to walk me down the aisle, the one who was supposed to spoil his grandkids, the one who should have lived a long and happy life—disappear into the ground.
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
A phrase said at funerals, which was true to its words. But I couldn’t believe those words. Not now, when my father had been so young with so many years still left to live.
No.
My heartbeat descended to a sluggish tempo as though I were quietly dying this unforgettable death, only my eyes were wide open as I witnessed it all.
I narrowed my eyes at his casket, knowing this image would forever be ingrained in my brain. I drew in slow, steady breaths as my body tensed at my new reality.
Hours later, I still remained, sitting stoic in my spot, as I blankly stared at the fresh patch of dirt. The questions continued to ring in my head. Everyone had already left, except for Jimmy and me.
“Boo?” Jimmy said, his voice soft and tender. When I didn’t glance up or respond, he reached for my hand, squeezing it tightly. “Boo, I’m…”
“Don’t say it, Jimmy. Don’t you dare say it. I swear to God, if you say you’re sorry, I’ll lose it.” I couldn’t hide the bitterness in my tone as I stared at the space where Dad’s casket was just a couple of hours ago. “Why do people even say they’re sorry? For what? Did they kill him?” I gritted my teeth and fisted my hands at my sides.
No, a stupid heart attack had killed him at forty-three.
I shook my head and glared at the patch of dirt in front of me. “Old people die from heart attacks. My dad wasn’t old. He was young and full of life.” I stood and stepped closer to the fresh patch of earth, digging my foot into the dirt.
My stomach rolled with nausea as I thought about my dad being under there. When I was younger, I had wished for healing powers, so I could cure the sick, give strength to the elderly, and blink away poverty. I’d sell my soul today if I could revive my father, pump blood back into his veins, reactivate his heart, and bring him back to life.
Jimmy stood next to me but stayed silent, only laying a gentle hand on my shoulder. It was there to comfort me, but I didn’t feel the heaviness of his hand against me. I couldn’t feel it. Emptiness engulfed me, inside and out.
There was a hollowness in my chest, a dull pain that I wished would go away.
“Why couldn’t God take someone else’s dad? A crappy dad. Why did it have to be mine? He was a good dad, the best dad. He was everyone’s dream dad.” My voice cracked when I’d meant for it to be stronger. I bit my cheek hard enough to pierce my skin, to keep the emotions at bay, and to prevent the tears that threatened to spill over.
I leaned over and rubbed the heel of my palm against my chest, pressing back a heavy pain, feeling out of breath. “He was supposed to walk me down the aisle.” The pain grew stronger. “H-he was supposed to bounce his grandkids on his kn-knee.”
Jimmy reached for my hand and interlocked our fingers. Feeling the heat of our palms pressed together, my restraint weakened, and the numbness disappeared. At any moment, the wall I’d built to protect myself would come crashing down.
If the tears started, I wouldn’t be able to stop.
His voice was so gentle. “It’s okay to cry, Boo.”
I bit my tongue to stem the tears from coming. “Why?” I whispered. “I didn’t get to tell him good-bye.” My free hand flew to my lips as a soft sob escaped my mouth. “I didn’t even get the chance to tell him that he was the best dad a girl could ever wish for.” I shook my head. “I didn’t even tell him I loved him one last time before he left.” My voice quivered as the walls I’d built up crumbled around me.
When Jimmy pulled me toward him, I didn’t resist. I fell into his arms as if he were my safety net. If he let go, I’d fall, crash, and plummet to the ground.
“Shh…it’s okay, Boo,” he said over and over again as he held me close. “It’s okay.”
The comfort of his touch broke me. I covered my eyes with both hands as the first of the tears began to fall, and I started sobbing into Jimmy’s chest as the grief swallowed me whole, taking me under where I couldn’t breathe. All I could taste was the salt from my tears. All I could smell was the fresh dirt from my father’s grave.
I didn’t know how long Jimmy held me, but when the tears dried up, I peered up at him.
He cupped my face with his palm, brushing an escaping tear with his thumb.
“I’m going to miss him.” My voice was barely a whisper.
“I know.” His voice was tender as his warmth surrounded me.
We stayed that way for a long time, just holding each other, until the sun started to set, and the pinks of the sky blended into blues.
“I’m going to take care of you now.” Jimmy’s hand trailed down my arm until his fingers reached for mine. He interlocked our fingers, brought my hand to his lips and kissed it. “I promise,” he said with a fierce protectiveness in his voice.
I glanced up, and something in Jimmy’s eyes gave me hope. Eventually, after some time, I would be okay.
Present Day
I PUSHED THOUGHTS OF MY parents to the back of my mind as Kelly tugged me through Neiman Marcus. We were on a mission.
After visiting my mother, I had called Kelly to ask her to take me shopping because I definitely needed a new dress for the after-party, one that would turn heads—particularly that of a buff football player with eyes that reminded me of chocolate kisses.
“Tonight, we’re going to transform you into a blonde bombshell.” She squeezed my hand as determination set firm in her eyes.
I didn’t think I was supposed to dress up just to shop, but I guessed I’d missed the memo as I watched skinny minis with their tight hugging designer jeans, high heels, and couture handbags swish past us.
“Where do we start? What does one wear to an after-party?” I asked, trying not to feel like a slob, as we walked through the store.
She took a step away from me, gave me a once-over, and then put her index finger to her lips. “Let’s see. What does one wear to a party where she’s trying to win over the man she’s madly in love with? Well, for starters, we need to get you noticed.” She grinned as if that were her specialty, and she pointed toward the escalator. “Upstairs. The less material, the better.” She pushed her way through the crowd.
I shook my head and laughed as I followed.
That was Kelly, always barreling through any place or situation.
I could learn from her.
We spent forever and a half trying on everything in the store. A huge pile of items had been flung around our dressing room. These past few hours had been a whirlwind of tugging on, sucking in, and zipping up every single dress, skirt, and top. And we hadn’t forgotten the matching accessories.
I bounced on my toes in excitement, laughing, as Kelly squeezed me into another designer dress.
“On holiday, you could definitely wear this, darlin’,” she said in her fake British accent.
She zipped up the sequined dress. The sequins sparkled against the light, the ruby-red color shining brighter than lights on a Christmas tree.
I shook my head and snickered at her goofiness. I hadn’t had any girlfriends growing up, and I’d never envied those with siblings. I liked being an only child. I was complete and content, and I had the best relationship with my parents. Plus, I always had Jimmy.
But there were still some things I couldn’t share with him because of the simple fact that he was a member of the opposite sex. Now, giggling hysterically in the fitting room, a small part of me thought that maybe I had missed out on the girlfriend experience.
“How about this?” Kelly asked, extending her arm that held a piece of black stretchy material.
I laughed again. “It looks like something you’d wipe a table with.”
“It’s a tube dress, honey, and it’s H to the O to the T, hot. Add one of those fancy-schmancy necklaces, and I think you’ll be good to go.” She set the piece of fabric on the already overloaded hook in the dressing room.
I gave the thing an amused frown. “I’m pretty sure that’s a top. Where’s the rest of it?”
She spread her arms. “This is it, girl, all of it.”
“Nuh-uh. It can’t be.” I snatched it off the hook and raised it to my chest. The material barely went to the top of my thighs. There was no way in hell this was a dress. “A long tube top maybe.” I grabbed the white tag dangling from the material and gaped at the price. “Holy hell, Kels. This is one expensive shirt. There has to be a bottom to this top for the price they’re charging.”
She snatched the material from my hands. “Oh, yeah, baby, this is it. You watch.”
I turned away when she started to shed down to her bare essentials.
“No need to be shy now. We got all the same lovely lady lumps,” she said with a wink.
I laughed and turned away when she started to strip down to her bare essentials.
When the rustling, snapping, and smacking of clothing stopped, Kelly tapped me on the shoulder. “Looky, looky.”
I turned to face her, and my hands flew to my mouth, a fit of laughter escaping my lips.
“Yeah, you know I look good, baby,” she sassed with an upward nod.
The black material cinched at her waist, exposing her bra and underwear, only covering her midsection. She strutted her stuff back and forth, stopping to place her hand on her hip as if she were walking the catwalk at Fashion Week in New York.
“I’m telling you, these hips don’t lie.” She slapped her bare hip and shimmied.
“Case closed. It’s a tube shirt.” I giggled, enjoying Kelly’s goofiness.
“I’m telling you, it’s not a shirt. I just have too much junk in my trunk to fit in it. Anyway, this is your dress.” Her eyebrows danced as she pointed to the piece of material she had on.
“No way.” I shook my head. No, no, no, no, no.
It wouldn’t happen. If I attempted to wear that dress and bent over, everyone would see what my mama had given me.
“Yes way.” Her eyes told me she meant business. “I already stretched it out for you. Undress, you’re trying this on.” She pulled the stretchy material over her thighs and chucked it my way, hitting me in the face.
I decided I would humor her as she turned around, giving me a second of privacy, even though she’d just strutted her stuff in front of me, half naked.
I stripped down and pulled the black fabric over my body. Not only was it as short as I’d known it would be, stopping five to six inches above my knee, but it also clung to me like Saran Wrap. The black material had a tinge of silvery shimmer that caught in the light. A few pleats gathered at my waist.
“Turn around.” I flipped my long blonde hair over my shoulder in an exaggerated motion, and then I placed my hand on my hip and walked around her, swaying my hips with a little sass.
“Holy hell.” Her eyes widened before she shook her head and grinned. She let out a low catcall whistle. “He’s going to piss himself. No doubt about it, that’s the dress.”
I stopped mid-strut, my sass diminishing, as my smile fell completely off my face. “Kels, I can’t wear this. I can barely move.” I yanked the edge of the skirt down, covering more of my thighs.
“Whatever. You’re moving now.” She shrugged like it was no big deal. “All we need are some killer heels and a necklace. You’ll be all set.”
“Um…negative. I have never and will never wear a dress like this.”
She could not be for real. I wouldn’t be able to wear underwear in a dress this tight.
With some force, Kelly squared my shoulders in front of the mirror. “This is your dress. Half the girls there will be vying for his attention, and I can guarantee, you’ll be the one getting it. You wanna get noticed?” Her no-nonsense tone made her sound like a coach. It was as if she were asking me if I wanted to win the big game this weekend.
And maybe I did. Maybe it was my turn to win something for a change.
I turned my head while facing the mirror, taking in my reflection at all angles, as my mind flickered to a few nights ago. I recalled Jimmy’s hungry eyes devouring the woman in front of him, and jealousy instantly filled my veins.
I needed to step up my game.
Exhaling, I met Kelly’s eyes in the mirror and gave her a shaky nod.
Okay, I can do this.
Kelly grinned, victorious. She slapped me on my behind, and I jumped.
“It’s about time, Miss Bliss.”
I bit the inside of my cheek, wishing I had her confidence. But for the first time, I was at least determined. Kelly was right. It was time I stepped up. It was time I let Jimmy see more than the girl he had grown up with, his best friend.
Maybe I could be the exception to his no-serious relationship rule. Maybe I would be the one to change his mind and convince him that happily ever afters happened when the two people who were right for each other were together.
My hands flattened against the pleats at my hips, and I smiled at her. “Let’s do this.”
“Woohoo!” She pumped her fists in the air and did a little dance, shaking her booty, as if we were in a club instead of the fitting room.
I let out a long breath as I took in my reflection one more time.
Jimmy was going to see me as a woman tonight. That was certain. Excitement bubbled up in my chest, making me nervous and giddy all at once.
I double- and triple-checked my makeup in the mir
ror, wiping the excess gloss that had overstepped its boundaries from the corner of my mouth. I assumed the women at these after-parties would be dressed to impress, and I needed to look the part. I’d debated on leaving my hair straight, but I thought better of it and rolled it into soft curls that cascaded down to the middle of my back.
I already had a fancy dress on, so why not go all the way?
When I heard the front door open, I checked myself one last time and tried to squash the nervous feeling bubbling in my chest. I took a calming breath before I stepped out into the living room.
Jimmy’s head was ducked into my fridge. Of course he was searching for some grub. His intense workout routine and diet had him inhaling food by the hour. I just shook my head, amused, as he rummaged through my fridge.
My eyes took in his broad shoulders that nicely filled out his light-gray button-down and his straight-cut dark jeans that hugged his too perfect ass.
Sometimes, I wish I were jeans—particularly now.
Before I could stop myself, I audibly sighed, and he swung around. My cheeks flushed at being caught ogling, and I forced a smile to cover it up.
“Hi,” I said, making my way toward him.
The look he gave me had my palms sweating. I staggered back and stopped in the middle of the living room. His eyes bulged out of his face, raking all of me in, from the blonde hair falling across my shoulders to the fitted black fabric clinging to my body to the four-inch heels I rocked.
For a second, I rendered him speechless.
Then, he let out a low catcall whistle as he approached. “Wow.”
A nervous laugh escaped my lips. He stalked forward and reached for my hand. He pulled me into a hug. It was our typical greeting, but the way his fingers dug into my waist and the way his head leaned into my neck as if he were breathing me in was not typical. My knees grew weak as my pulse increased because of his nearness. I felt unsteady from having him touch me like this.
His mouth moved until it was a centimeter below my ear. “You look beautiful.”
His breath tickled my neck, causing a fluttering in my stomach and goose bumps to appear on my shoulders, moving down my arm.