by Mia Kayla
I let out a long sigh. “Jimmy, I can take care of myself.” I propped up against the pillows and placed my chin against my knees.
“I know,” he replied. He sounded like he was in pain. “But I’m supposed to take care of you, Boo. It’s in my DNA. I can’t not worry about you. It’s who I am.”
I thought of our distance, his possible girlfriend, and about the boy who could never be mine. Maybe it was time I put my foot down—for real this time. “Well, maybe you need to stop playing that role.” My voice came out soft but firm. “I can handle this on my own.”
I heard him huff heavily over the phone, and I just knew my answer was not what he’d expected. I knew him so well that I could predict what he was going to say next.
There was another long pause and then a frustrated growl. “I don’t want you dating him.”
Yep, it was exactly the reaction I’d expected.
I shoved the covers off. I was already irritated at the conversation that was going nowhere. “Jimmy,” I started as I headed to the kitchen to make myself a cup of coffee.
“No, Boo,” he interrupted. “Listen, I know you think I’m being overprotective, but this goes above my beef with Evan. He has a reputation, okay? He’s not settling-down material. I’m not saying you can’t date, Boo. I’m saying I’m not going to allow you to date him.”
I pulled a cup from the overhead cupboard and rested the phone between my shoulder and my chin. I slowly poured a cup of coffee that was already made. My coffee machine was programmed to brew at eight every morning.
“Allow me?” I finally said, letting that earlier anger return. “What the hell is that? Jimmy, you’re not my keeper, and he didn’t even try anything.” I could hear the defensiveness in my tone.
But it was true. Evan hadn’t even attempted a kiss good night. I couldn’t believe I’d thought that Evan was going to take me to a dark alley and have his way with me. My assumptions about Evan had been all wrong.
“Actually, he was the perfect gentleman.” I didn’t say it to upset Jimmy. It was the truth. Either way, I could already picture Jimmy gritting his teeth, trying to crush his cell with his one hand.
“I know his tactics. He’s trying to play nice because he wants to get in your pants!” he snapped. “I’m going to kill him.”
I wondered if Jimmy realized that he’d just admitted to playing this same game with other girls. Hearing him say that stung even though I already knew it.
“Calm down!” I yelled even though I was anything but calm. “Nothing happened. Plus, he’s grown up, Jimmy. I don’t think he’s that same guy anymore.”
As if he hadn’t heard what I just said, he continued ranting, “You gotta be a guy to think like a guy. You’re so naive, Bliss.”
I had to pull the phone from my ear at the harshness in his voice. How had he gone from his sad, sullen mood when I answered the phone to this?
“You’re not seeing him again.” His harsh voice indicated finality.
“Excuse me?” I said, one hand on my hip. Oh, no. Did he just bark an order, telling me who I can’t date?
“You’re not seeing him again,” he repeated in an even but still deadly tone.
I bit my tongue before I said something I would regret, before this turned into a full-blown fight where we wouldn’t talk for days. I couldn’t even remember the last time we’d fought.
I heard him exhale deeply, and I listened to his heavy breathing. Neither of us said a word. Maybe he didn’t want to fight with me either. Maybe he was finally getting a handle on his anger. Maybe he was finally realizing that he wasn’t going to win this.
He was the first to break the silence. “Please,” he said softly, his anger gone again. “I’m saying please here, Boo. He’s not right for you.”
“Who’s the right guy for me then?” I asked, my voice full of emotion. I knew who that right guy was.
You’re the right guy for me, Jimmy. I want you to be the right guy for me. Maybe I could telepathically imprint that into his brain.
“Not him,” he insisted, sounding like he was in pain. “I’ll go to jail if he breaks your heart, and I know guys like him. He will.”
I chewed on the inside of my cheek.
“Boo, you can have any guy,” he said with such conviction as though he believed it was true.
“I don’t see anyone falling over me. No one’s exactly busting down my door,” I said somewhat bitterly.
I was fine in my own skin. I couldn’t help but compare myself with the girls I always saw pictured with Jimmy in the magazines. Maybe it was because I’d wished for so long that he’d look at me the way he looked at them.
“Because you don’t go out, Boo,” he argued. “You don’t put yourself out there.”
“I’m busy.” It was a weak excuse, and he knew it. “Fine. Okay. Where do you expect me to find these guys?”
He paused for a few seconds, probably thinking for a perfect answer. Then, he finally said, “Church.” He chuckled once as if he were a genius for even thinking it.
I wanted to be angry because he was being such a butthead, but I couldn’t hold the laughter in. “Church?”
His absurd solution began to lighten my mood. Of course that would be Jimmy’s answer. I shook my head.
“Yeah, go to church and find yourself a good boy,” he said, a grin now in his voice.
“Jimmy”—I was still chuckling—“every guy in my former youth group is married.”
He let out a low laugh, and my insides relaxed. The tightness in my chest from our almost fight disappeared.
His voice went soft again as he said, “Boo, trust me on this one. I don’t like arguing with you, and I wouldn’t be such an asshole if I believed he was right for you. Please, Boo.”
Well, at least he’s admitting it, I thought with a little humor.
The tenderness in his voice warmed me, catching me off guard and once again stupidly causing me to hope.
“Promise me you won’t see him again.”
I sighed. I didn’t know if Evan was worth the fight. “Okay,” I replied, leaning against the kitchen counter.
“Thank God,” Jimmy breathed.
I heard a big thud in the background. I pictured him leaning against a wall and then sliding down in relief.
“Don’t sound too relieved there, buddy.” I reached for my cup and felt the cool coffee mug against my fingertips.
“Evan should be the one who is relieved,” he mumbled under his breath. “Otherwise, I was personally gonna go kick his ass.”
I shook my head as a small smile played on my lips. Jimmy, my champion.
“Anyway, since that’s settled”—the playfulness returned to his voice—“I can’t wait to celebrate those, uh…birthing classes. Four more days—not like anyone’s counting.”
“Oh, joy,” I replied sarcastically.
I wanted to tell him that I was the one counting—counting down the days until I would see him again.
Present Day
I HAD BEEN SO BUSY with school that the next week flew by.
Before I knew it, it was Saturday, and Jimmy was back in town. For once, we were not staying in, which was what we’d typically done for my birthing classes.
Jimmy insisted we go to dinner just this one time because it was my golden birthday. I was turning twenty-three on the twenty-third of July. Because he wouldn’t relent and he used his cute Jimmy ways with the pretend pout and the puppy dog eyes that were such a contradiction to his massive self, I decided to humor him just for tonight.
We were having pizza at Genie’s Pizza. Deep-dish pizza was Chicago’s staple food and the meal that Jimmy and I had preferred on weekends as children—and even now, well into adulthood. The aroma of tomato sauce and spices filled the air while the Italian music played in the background.
The waitress surveyed Jimmy as she took his menu. He pulled his cap lower, covering his eyes, and then rested his elbows on the table. It seemed odd, him wearing a baseball cap with a button-
down shirt. But knowing Jimmy, he’d rather look silly than draw attention his way.
“Thanks,” he said to her, not bothering to look up.
“No problem.” There was a lilt in her voice.
I wondered if that were her way of flirting with him or if she really spoke that way.
I was sure she was ogling him, most likely wondering where she’d seen him before or maybe she was just checking him out—period.
As I sat back, my eyes took in the elaborately painted scenes of greenery and flowers on the walls. I wished I were home in my PJs instead of in the flowery pastel-pink skirt and silk sleeveless tank. Jimmy had asked that I dress up on my special day.
Jimmy tipped his hat lower just in case. He hated getting noticed. He’d requested a booth in the back for that very reason.
In New York, it was a different story. It was harder to stay under the radar since he was plastered on every Nike or Tag Heuer billboard. Still, even here in Chicago, football fans tended to recognize him in an instant.
The waitress placed our appetizers in front of us and as we quietly sat there, I remembered a question that had been itching at the back of my mind, but I had wanted to wait until I saw him in person.
I swallowed and took a deep breath. “So…I’ve seen a lot of buzz about you and a certain swimsuit model lately.” My mouth couldn’t even say her name out loud.
He angled his head in my direction.
I rushed to say, “I know you don’t like to talk about it, but if you’re dating, I’d like…I’d like for you to bring your girlfriend around.” My heart sank as soon as those words had left my mouth. There was a direct correlation between the tightness in my chest and the thought of them being together. “So…are you and Clarisse dating?” I gripped the napkin in my lap, feeling almost sick to my stomach, as I waited for him to answer.
He let out a low laugh. “Why is it that all the hype around me is tied to that girl? No one cares that the start of the season is coming. There’s no buzz, nothing, on our team nabbing Jason Gibson. My publicist loves this crap, but it annoys the shit out of me.” He looked at me directly then, entirely serious. “To answer your question, no, I’m not dating her.” Then, his forehead pinched together, and he let out an exaggerated sigh as though he’d been asked this question many times before.
I wanted to believe him as I reminded myself of Jimmy’s eternal motto for staying single for life. But, somehow, with her, I couldn’t. “You can tell me,” I insisted weakly. Then, I amended, “I mean…when you do get serious with someone, I want to meet her.” I wondered if he’d heard the quiver in my voice.
It was inevitable that he would find that girl one day, and my heart constricted at the thought. But maybe if I prepared myself now, it wouldn’t hurt so much. Maybe?
Vulnerability and sadness showed in his eyes. I wondered how my question could trigger such emotion.
“If there is ever anyone serious, I’ll let you know. But there won’t be. You know me, Boo. I’m gonna be single for life. It’s just not in the cards for me.”
His voice trailed off on his last sentence, and I had to strain my ears to hear him.
My hand inched forward to touch him as I always did when I wanted to comfort him. His eyes dropped to the table, and I rested my palm on top of his to lighten his mood.
I ducked my head to get in his line of sight and grinned. “Cards schmards,” I joked, playfully jiggling his hand. “You deal your own cards in life. You’re never going to end up like him—ever.”
Jimmy’s eyes locked with mine, something deep and emotional filtering through them. I held my breath, feeling my whole body warm, as my smile slowly left my face.
He was the first to look away, and he pulled away from my grasp, breaking our connection. He shook his head as his eyes narrowed, “The media is dragging out this thing with Clarisse. Problem is, I bet she’s enjoying her second in the spotlight. She just loves playing this shit up.” Annoyance leaked into his tone.
I mustered up all the courage I had and again placed my hand on top of his on the table, wanting to be near him. Touching him never used to be this hard. I’d never hesitated before. It tingled where we touched.
“I’m just saying,” I started, “if there is anyone, I want to meet her.” I choked back all the feelings rising within me. If he did have a girl, now or in the future, I wouldn’t want him to keep secrets from me. “She’ll be a lucky one. That’s for sure.”
I sensed a heaviness in him that mirrored mine, but I couldn’t place the reason for it.
“There’s no one, Boo.” He sounded so sad. “I’m not settling down material.” He let out a breath, and that sadness disappeared. “Anyway, I don’t want to talk about this anymore. Did you visit your mom this week?”
He was changing the subject again, a tactic I knew so well, which was fine. I didn’t think I could talk about his dating life anymore.
He pulled his hand away and leaned back in his chair. My fingers suddenly felt cold.
I sat straighter in my seat. “Yeah. Actually, I saw her last weekend before we went to the party. She was in one of her moods.” I reached for a piece of garlic bread and took a bite over my plate. Crumbs of garlic and Parmesan cheese spilled onto my plate. “She was dressed up like she was going on a date, and she had all of Dad’s clothes out of the closet, like she was waiting for him.”
“No.” Shock emanated on Jimmy’s face.
“Yeah,” I sighed. “I really hope I don’t have to take her to that shrink again. I thought we were over that, but I don’t want her to relapse.” Just saying it out loud had me slumping against the table, fatigued by the thought. I didn’t know if I could survive another stint of my mother’s depression.
Jimmy shook his head. “Boo, I don’t think that’s normal.”
“I know.” I stared at the garlic bread in front of me. “I kept asking her over and over if she was okay, and then she finally admitted that she just missed Dad. She said she’s fine.” I shrugged, feeling down. Was she fine? I set the rest of my greasy garlic bread on my plate. “I mean, I wouldn’t have left if she wasn’t all right. You think I should call her?” I bit my lip, searching his face for an answer.
“Hey.” He leaned in, resting his hand over mine on the table, warming my fingers again. “None of that now, okay?”
“I know. I just keep thinking…it’s been five years. When is she going to start packing his stuff? Everything is still in the same place before he died. I just feel like I should be home.”
“You need to live your life,” he said firmly, ducking his head to meet my eyes. “Boo, we’ve discussed this. You already gave up Brown for her.”
I had, but sacrifices were a part of life. “I just feel…I don’t know.” I scrunched my eyebrows together. “Guilty. I feel guilty for leaving her.” I thought of my mom, all alone at home and missing my dad. I was internalizing it too much, stuck in my head, but I couldn’t help it. If anything ever happened to her—
“You’re still close to home,” he reasoned. “But you’re twenty-three, Boo. I wasn’t gonna let you rot in that house. It was time for you to move out.”
Jimmy’s words brought me back to when he had flown in the day before I’d signed my lease to my apartment. He’d done that just to make sure I wouldn’t back out.
Past—First Year of Law School
I climbed a flight of stairs with another heavy box in my hands. I heard Jimmy’s thunderous steps behind me, and I moved myself flush against the wall, so he could pass. He could barely see over the stack of boxes in his arms, but he gave me a wink on his way up.
It was his fifth time up the stairs while it was only my second. He was lightning fast with the strength of Hercules, which only reminded me that I really did need to work out.
I walked into my new apartment and dropped the box of clothes on the floor. My eyes took in the mess of bins and containers all holding my belongings.
Jimmy stepped in front of me, smiling with beads of sweat on hi
s forehead. I didn’t know how he was still standing. My legs were about to give out from exhaustion. I plopped down on one of my plastic bins and let out a sigh.
“Come on, let’s go.” He bounced on the balls of his feet as if he enjoyed this workout called moving.
“I told you we should’ve hired movers,” I grumbled, pushing back a clump of hair clinging to my neck.
The heat index was eighty-five degrees this summer afternoon. I wanted to strip naked and move, but I wanted him to offer to do it first.
“Movers?” he scoffed. He lifted an arm and barely flexed, his biceps bulging. “Have you seen these guns?” He raised an eyebrow in feigned disbelief, like he was Mr. Muscleman himself.
He kept posing until I let out a carefree laugh and shook my head.
“Sure, Jimmy,” I said nonchalantly. I acted like his muscles were no big deal even though I felt my heart pumping faster as I pictured running my hands over them. It was too bad only one percent of the total population had a physique that perfect.
He touched the tip of my nose and then stomped toward the door. “I’ll get the rest. You just sit here, princess, and unpack or whatever.” He winked again, and then he was gone.
I lay back and chuckled softly. Movers wouldn’t have been this fun. That was for sure.
When Jimmy dropped the last of my belongings on the floor, I sighed, taking it all in. There was a kitchen, bedroom, and living area all squeezed into six hundred square feet. I pressed a hand on my stomach, forcing my insides to relax.
This is what I wanted. I repeated that mantra in my head as I started to unpack dishes before placing them in the overhead cupboard.
Thoughts of my mother, all alone at home, jumped into my brain, and for a moment, I forgot what I was supposed to be doing. I paused and stared blankly at the light-colored wooden cabinets.
Jimmy was folding the cardboard boxes and stacking them in a pile for recycling.
“Hey,” I called out.
He turned to me and perked up, most likely because of the melancholy look on my face.
“Do you…” I swallowed. “Do you think she’ll be okay?”