by Mia Kayla
I closed my eyes and let his mouth light a fire in me I’d never experienced. Both our breaths became labored as he continued to taste, flick, and take me with his lips. I moaned again into his mouth, every nerve in my body tingling with sensation.
His kiss was addictive, electrifying, igniting my body, encompassing my mind, and touching my soul. I couldn’t get enough, and even though he was wasted out of his mind, there was no turning back. I was doomed. I would never feel this kind of connection with anyone else. Never. Jimmy was everything for me. He was my only. He was it.
His lips moved to the crook of my neck, and my hands roamed through his hair. I didn’t know what I was doing. My body just reacted. The sensations that he was causing from his touch were driving me insane, taking me over the edge.
When his mouth returned to mine, I thought I was going to lose it. I was ready to tear my clothes off, shed my panties, and beg for him to take me.
“I want you so bad,” he murmured between kisses. “Never wanted anyone more.”
I hesitated for a second, wondering if I should stop and push him away because he thought I was someone else. But I didn’t want to, and in this moment, I wasn’t thinking. I couldn’t think. My brain was mush, my hormones were raging, and years and years of unrequited feelings had completely overtaken me. I didn’t want him to stop as I felt the tingling spread to my center.
But when one of his hands moved to my bottom, I slowed my kisses. I was scared all of a sudden. As much as I wanted this, we really couldn’t.
He pushed his hardness between my legs and rocked into me. I didn’t want him to take me like this, but my body was smoldering like a horny teenager. When his kisses intensified, his fingers moved to the waistband of my jeans, and he undid the first button.
I froze, frightened at the progression of our make-out session. “Jimmy,” I exhaled softly as I tried to calm my stammering pulse.
“Mmm…need you,” he murmured, eyes still closed.
I loved him, but I didn’t want him like this—here and totally wasted, not even fully aware that it was even me. I didn’t want my first time to happen like this.
“Jimmy,” I tried to protest, but my voice was soft as a whisper. My hands gripping his arms were failing me.
His lips moved to the crook of my neck again as his fingers continued to the second and last button of my jeans.
“Jimmy,” I whimpered as I tried to press him away from me. Awareness of where I was and what we were about to do was all rushing to the surface, covering me in a layer of guilt.
Finally, he listened. At least, I thought he had. I loved this boy beyond comprehension, but he wasn’t even aware that it was me he was kissing.
His lips stopped moving against mine, and he dropped his head against my shoulder. He was dead weight, so heavy against my body that I wasn’t able to breathe, let alone move.
All of a sudden, I heard him softly snoring against my neck. His breath tickled my skin when he exhaled.
“Jimmy,” I said, using both hands to shove his shoulders. “Jimmy. Get off. I…can’t…breathe.”
I tried to wiggle out from underneath him, but he weighed as much as a dead bear, motionless on top of me. “Jimmy!” I yelled.
I tried to buck him off with my stomach, but that was an epic fail. I pinched his sides, but his skin was too taut. Of freaking course. If I wasn’t momentarily being crushed, I would have rolled my eyes.
There wasn’t an inch of skin that I could grab hold off. The thought of lying here all night in discomfort had me shoving at his chest over and over again with both hands.
“Off. Off. Off me, Jimmy!”
Just when I thought my efforts were all for nothing, he turned over and flipped on his back with a big thump.
“Thank God,” I exhaled, relief washing over me. Then, I was immediately reminded of everything that had just happened, everything we had done.
And what we’d almost done.
I touched my lips where his lips had been a moment ago, and I smiled. Even if he hadn’t known it was me, I couldn’t find it in me to feel any pain. All I felt was elation. Jimmy had kissed me, and it wasn’t just any kiss or a peck-on-the-cheek kiss. I’d had a full-on make-out session with Jimmy Brason.
That stupid grin stayed on my face as I stared up at his dingy ceiling, reliving everywhere he had touched me, everything he’d said.
And I didn’t get an ounce of sleep that night.
The next morning, I lay in bed, watching the most beautiful man alive sleep soundly beside me. His lips parted slightly, and his eyelashes fluttered every time he exhaled.
Morning light filtered through the room, highlighting the streaks of light brown against the dark locks on his head. I could lay like this forever, next to this man, watching him sleep, like the true stalker I was.
Finally, Jimmy stirred beside me, awaking from his slumber. “Holy hell. I feel like someone took a jackhammer and plunged it in my brain.” He rubbed his eyes with the backs of his palm. “I feel like shit.” His voice was low, hoarse.
I knew he was in hangover central.
He was most likely dehydrated, so I swung my knees over the side of the bed, reaching for the water bottle in the small fridge he’d doubled as a nightstand.
I twisted the top open and sat up beside him. “Can you sit up? You need to hydrate.”
He let out a jagged long sigh as if every muscle in his body ached and it hurt to even move. “I’ve never had that much to drink before.”
“That’s good.” I chuckled. “I was worried it was your norm now.”
He propped himself up with his elbows to take a sip of water but dropped back onto the mattress after giving me the water bottle. “Damn, I’m dying. Help me, Boo.”
I’d bet that jackhammer in his head was going to town. He looked like he was in pain, and still, he was the cutest thing ever.
Of course, I silently muttered. Guys always got away with that stuff. I bet I looked like crap.
“Jimmy, just rest.”
I put the water on the fridge and tried to assist him. Slowly, he pulled himself up to a sitting position. I reached for the water again, knelt beside him, and placed the drink next to his lips.
He squinted at me through the light and took a sip. “Boo, why the hell did you let me drink that much? I thought you loved me.”
He looked so helpless. All I wanted to do was grab his face and ram my mouth against his like we’d done last night. But this time, he’d be awake.
I bit my lip to stifle the temptation and gave him a small smile instead. “I tried, but you wouldn’t listen. You just kept going and going, like the drinking Energizer Bunny.”
He tried to grin but winced. “My head hurts, my body aches, and I need a good wash. I smell like fucking dog shit.”
“Uh-huh.” I wrinkled my nose at him.
He glanced around the room. “How did we get up here? Did Doug carry me up?”
I frowned at him, my heartbeat starting to quicken. “Uh…don’t you remember what happened last night?”
What if he does? Oh God.
“I remember kicking Stewart’s ass and me doing that keg stand.” He rubbed the top of his head. “Then, I totally blacked out. Did I miss something?”
I blanched and fell silent. If he remembered what had happened, it would change everything. And I wasn’t sure if I was ready for that, ready to give up my friend if he didn’t feel the same as me. The idea of it almost had me in a panic.
“N-n-no,” I stuttered, swallowing hard. My face heated, still feeling the press of his lips against mine, and I let out a shaky long sigh.
His eyebrows pulled in. “Are you not telling me something? Did I run around the quad naked? Or do some other stupid shit?”
I nervously bit my lip and shook my head. A part of me wanted to blurt out that we’d made out, hot and heavy style, and see what his reaction would be. But the bigger part of me was a plain old coward.
I forced a smile and a more even tone
as I said, “No, you came up here after that keg stand, and you were knocked out.”
He seemed to buy it this time. “Okay,” he sighed, sliding back down and resting his head against the pillow. “Sorry about last night, Boo. I didn’t expect to get that wasted.” He turned to his side, leaning closer to me. “I had the craziest dream though.”
The way he was looking at me made my cheeks flush. It was as if he knew what had happened, what had passed between us.
I widened my eyes at him, like a doe-eyed deer, playing dumb. My heart pitter-pattered loudly at the cages of my chest as sweat formed at the back of my neck. “What was it about?” I tried to ignore the increase in my pulse as I held my breath.
“Nothing in particular. Just a dream I have often.” His eyes locked with mine. Then, he muttered, almost to himself, “Sometimes, a guy can only dream.” He exhaled heavily as if that statement had cost him a lot.
My breath caught. I wanted to know about his dream, what he was talking about, but I couldn’t bring myself to ask. Once again, I chickened out as I remained silent, only nodding in answer.
“I think I just need to sleep,” he said miserably. “Sleep and a long hot shower.”
Yes, I thought to myself, and I need a long cold one.
Present Day
WALKING INTO THE LIBRARY, I pressed End on Evan’s call—again. I wasn’t one to be mean, but I also didn’t like confrontation. He’d already left a voice mail a few days ago, and I hadn’t returned his call. I thought he’d get the hint. I had promised Jimmy that I wouldn’t see him again. And when we promised, we never took it lightly. A pinky swear was as serious as taking the oath under the stand and swearing on the Bible.
When he didn’t leave another voice mail, I let out a long sigh of relief. I could say I never got the first message, but the second…well, that would be hard to lie about.
I waved to Kelly across the room as I made my way toward our usual spot in the library. “Hi, Kels.” I dropped my book bag on the long wooden table.
Her lips pinched together as she tapped her pencil in a frantic rhythm against her book. “Oh, Bliss, I’m so gonna fail Legal Stats. I’m dying over here.” She scrunched her face in an exaggerated pretend ugly cry face. “And when I fail, I’ll get kicked out of law school and go bankrupt because I’ll have no way of paying back my loans. I suck.”
“It’ll be okay,” I encouraged with a chuckle, patting her shoulder. “No one’s getting kicked out. I won’t let that happen.” I reached for my book inside my bag and plopped down on the seat next to her. As I opened my book, my phone flashed Evan’s name again, vibrating on the table.
Dang it.
“Are you going to get that?” Kelly raised a questioning eyebrow.
“Nope.” I reached for my notebook and pen to begin our lesson.
Her eyes narrowed as she glanced at Evan’s name. “You said you had fun with him the other night.”
“I just don’t want to lead him on,” I explained. I opened my notebook and tore my eyes from hers to indicate the end of that conversation as the phone continued to flash on the table.
Her response was to reach for my phone.
My eyes widened. “Kels!” My loud voice had heads turning toward us, and I ducked in embarrassment.
“Hey, Evan,” Kelly cooed quietly. “This is Kelly, Bliss’s friend. Yeah, sure. She’s right here.”
I shot her a look as she extended her arm and handed me my phone.
“Hi.” I lowered my voice and angled away from Kelly.
“Hey, did I catch you at a bad time?” Excitement oozed from his tone..
My heart rate plummeted as I formulated a plan in my head to let him down easy. “Kind of,” I murmured. “We’re studying.”
“Okay, this’ll be quick. The Phantom of the Opera will be in Chicago next week. You mentioned you like the theater the other night, so I wanted to know if you would like to go.” He sounded so hopeful.
I grimaced in response as my stomach rolled.
It was flattering that he had remembered our conversation from just a week ago. Still, I had promised Jimmy. “Um…well, you see, Evan…I—”
He cut me off before I could shut him down, “I thought the other night went great, didn’t you?”
I could feel Kelly burning a hole in the side of my face.
“One sec.” I stood and as I strolled toward the exit and glanced back, I caught Kelly’s disappointment on her face.
Once outside, the crisp air touched my skin. “Sorry. Where were we?” I said.
My eyes focused on the vibrant green leaves swishing against the branches. Birds chirped in the background as children on their bikes passed me by.
“Well, did you have fun with me?” he pressed.
“What?” I couldn’t remember what we’d been talking about.
“Was it a figment of my imagination, or was Bliss Carrington having a good time the other night? I think I made you laugh, even snort a couple of times.”
“Bliss Carrington does not snort,” I sassed. I played anxiously with the end of my shirt. “Yeah, I had fun,” I admitted. Then, I let out a soft sigh. “But…I’m just busy—”
“Did Jimmy say something to you?” he asked, his voice immediately harder than it was a second ago.
I had to strain my ears to hear him because I thought I’d heard him wrong. Why would he automatically jump to the conclusion that this had anything to do with Jimmy?
I frowned at the tree a few feet away from me. “This has nothing to do with Jimmy.” It was sort of a lie because it did have to do with Jimmy, but I didn’t care. “It’s just…I don’t want to lead you on.”
“Listen”—he sighed—“I really enjoyed our date the other night. I know you like the theater, and I don’t need an answer right now. Just think about it, okay?” I chewed on my lower lip as he continued, “I’m buying the tickets, and I’ll call you in a couple of days. If you don’t want to go, I’ll take my sister. She’s a big theater fan.”
“Evan,” I protested, knowing full well this wasn’t going to go anywhere. Even though I had promised Jimmy, this was ultimately my decision, my choice, and I just didn’t have those feelings for Evan.
“Bliss, I don’t want an answer right now.” Suddenly, I heard a smile in his voice. “And about Jimmy—I know he’s your best friend, and if we go on another date, I’ll have to deal with him. If that’s what’s stopping you from saying yes, I’ll talk to him.”
“Evan—”
“I’ll call you in a couple of days,” he replied quickly.
“Okay,” I said, tugging at the edge of my shirt. “Bye.”
I hung up and stared at the picture of Jimmy and me on my background. We were barely ten years old in it. He had just won the football championship for our district, the traveling team he played for. His hair clung to his forehead from sweat, and his bare arms and uniform were covered in mud.
Even at a young age, the contrast between us was evident. He had been playing in the mud, and there I was, next to him, all prim and proper with my pigtails. He had the goofiest grin on his face. I remembered that day so vividly. He was smiling like he’d won the lotto, and the first thing he had done was run up and give me a muddy, sweaty hug.
I should have told Evan no already. I’d only be leading him on when my heart wasn’t in it. I’d given away my heart a long time ago, not by choice and not by default. Just by being himself, Jimmy Brason had swooped me up lightning fast.
With a groan, I trudged back into the library to Kelly.
“Sorry. Where were we?” I flipped open my Legal Stats book and bit my lower lip, mentally cursing myself for not being upfront with Evan.
Kelly shut my book and turned her whole body to face me. “So, are you going on a second date?”
“No.” I pressed my nose into my book to avoid her stare.
“Do you want to be that old cat lady?” she asked point-blank.
“What?” I felt a small smile creep up my face. Cats? Sa
dly though, I was getting close to that, wasn’t I? “Of course not.”
“Well then, you gotta date.” She spread her arms as if proving her point.
“I just don’t have the time,” I argued with another weak excuse. Maybe if I repeated it enough times, I’d believe it.
She rubbed at her brow and scrunched up her nose, annoyance written all over her face. “Bliss, you have all the time in the world. You’re twenty-three, and you’ve never had a boyfriend. I get the whole mother thing through undergrad, but now, it’s time to start living your life.”
My mind flickered to thoughts of my mother. I pictured her during her darkest times, crying as I held her, watching her sleep to ensure she was okay, and bringing her food in bed.
“Hey.” Kelly snapped her fingers in front of me, breaking me from my daze.
“Sorry.” I blinked, bringing myself back to the present.
Kelly sighed. “I know what you’re waiting for, but if you ask me—which you’re not, but I’m going to tell you anyway—you need to lay it all out there. Tell Jimmy you’re in love with him.”
“No way!” My voice cut through the silence.
The group of students next to us shot us dirty looks.
“Why not?” She made a face, jutting out her chin like she truly couldn’t understand what the big deal was.
I lowered my voice. “Because it would change everything. We’ve been best friends for seventeen years, and if I tell him now…” My eyes dropped to the table. “I mean, what’s the point? He doesn’t feel the same way. He’s sworn off relationships.” Admitting it out loud was like pouring ice-cold water on my head, forcing me to face the stark cold truth.
Jimmy’s distorted view of love and his insistence that love ruins people rang over and over in my head. It was like a punching bag to the face, screeching, Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!
Kelly’s eyes turned compassionate. “How do you know?”
“I just know.” I let out a slow heavy sigh as my chin dipped down, my eyes focusing back on the table.
Not to mention, I simply wasn’t Jimmy’s type. I could never be Clarisse or any of the other gorgeous leggy girls he’d been pictured with. Even though Jimmy would tell me time and time again not to believe the media or the rag mags, I had seen the girls he’d been linked to. I knew his type, and I was not it.