In Your Honor

by Heidi Hutchinson

  “For days,” came the tight reply.

  Blake hung his head, bringing one hand up to rub the back of his neck. Of course she had. But he'd known that. He had tried convincing himself that she was happy to be rid of him. Because lying about the truth of it was the only thing that allowed him to live with the choice he had made that night.

  The older man took a seat on the step next to Blake and leaned his elbows on his knees, folding his hands together. Blake had no idea how old Triny was. Old enough. His long, rock and roll hair had streaks of gray in it, and he had kept it in a sleek ponytail for as long as Blake could remember. His blue eyes were crinkled at the sides, in a constant state of mischief, and his lean frame was still fit and strong. He wasn't tall, standing eye-level with Blake's even six feet, but Blake usually felt dwarfed by the man.

  “At first she was just mad, stomping around, calling you names. But when she realized you weren't coming at all...” He shook his head and sighed heavily as he recalled the events of that night.

  “She stood out in the road, screaming your name like a fool until she lost her voice. Then she took a sledge hammer to that old tractor that I used to have. Beat the shit out of it. I was scared she was gonna hurt herself. But you know Lucy, she'd spin like a storm cloud 'til she was exhausted.”

  Blake ground his teeth together. He had pictured something similar, but having it confirmed hurt like hell. He didn't want to know anymore. He wanted to get up, walk away, go back to pretending that she had handled it with class and stoicism. Things she was not known for. But he had to keep going. He had to face it all.

  “Every time you came back, she'd be hopeful for a few days. She'd talk about how it was going to be different this time, that your love could get through anything. Watching you break her heart over and over again, I really began to hate you.”

  Blake's eyes closed at Triny's declaration. He deserved that. He actually deserved worse. He sure as hell didn't deserve the calm explanation coming from the rock legend's lips.

  “You never had to see it. Never had to watch her fall apart and shatter.” Triny's words were forced. Strained. Blake suspected that if Triny had been a lesser man, he'd have already broken his jaw. “You never had to watch her cry until she couldn't cry anymore. Watch her blame herself for your idiot behavior.”

  “That's why I'm back. I'm trying to face all the things I haven't yet,” Blake said heavily. “I know I can never make up for what I've done.”

  “You have a lot more to face than what you've done to Lucy,” Triny reminded him gruffly.

  “I know,” Blake responded with a quiet sigh.

  Both men sat silently, letting the prairie wind blow across their still forms. Blake's mind was moving too quickly for him to keep up. He'd spent so much energy avoiding even simple thoughts about home, and now that his defenses were down, he was bombarded with every bad choice he'd ever made. Every person he'd wronged, every ill-conceived plan he'd devised. Lucy was a major part of it, but she was just the center of a shit storm he'd started the day he was born.

  “I know you think that she moved on with Frank...” Triny's voice cut through his thoughts. Blake inhaled at the mention of Lucy's fiancé. The thought of her marrying that guy still made his blood run cold. “But she never loved him. It was only solace. She was lonely, and Frank paid attention to her.” Triny's words sent Blake's head spinning. If she didn't love him, then why did she agree to marry him? Why had she defended him that night when Blake came to get her? She had seemed so... sure.

  “She had accepted the fact that this was her life now, and Frank offered stability,” Triny explained tightly, as if reading the questions in Blake's mind. “You'd been gone a long time again. She'd placed you in the same box as the rest of her dreams that she had decided were too farfetched to come true. It was an attempt at moving on. But that marriage was never gonna happen. I would have figured out a way to stop it before it did. The day she shot him was one of the best of my life.”

  Blake couldn't hold back his chuckle, and Triny joined him. The tension around them eased and Blake's laughter deepened as he pictured his sweet Lucy feigning innocence in the situation. “I wish I could've seen it.”

  “I hated that rat bastard way more than I hated you,” Triny confessed, his face more relaxed than before. The tightness gone, a lopsided smile taking place of the grim expression he had worn a few minutes prior.

  Blake looked at Lucy's father with respect and appreciation for the details he'd been able to provide instead of sending him on his way. “I'm so sorry, Triny,” Blake finally said, tasting bitterness in his mouth as he admitted his wrongdoing out loud. “I never deserved her love.”

  “Love isn't about deserving,” Triny countered. “If that were the case, none of us would be able to experience it. It's a gift greater than we can understand. It's simply our job to obey it.”

  Blake felt a burning in his chest in the place he suspected his heart resided. Triny's words held a truth that set fire to the frayed edges of his soul. And it briefly gave him hope.

  “You know...” Triny's voice suddenly grew thick. “Lucy's not the only one you ran out on.” Blake looked into the older man's eyes, now glossed over with tears.

  “Triny...” Blake didn't know what to say. It was true, they had been close. Triny had filled a void in Blake's life after his own dad had died. He had never stopped to consider that he'd hurt Triny as well when he'd left. Blake left a path of destruction wherever he went, it seemed. “I'm... I'm sorry.” The words sounded stupid and weak. Especially with the way Triny was looking at him, like he'd lost a son. “I can't make up for the things I've done, the people I've hurt.”

  “No, you can't,” Triny agreed, driving the knife deeper into Blake's gut. “But you were young and reckless... it's time to be a man now.”

  “What if I don't know how?” Blake's fears found a voice and he couldn't believe he'd said it out loud.

  “You do,” Triny answered simply. He cleared his throat and stood up, signaling the end of their conversation. He walked down the last couple of steps and turned towards Blake. “Keep going, Blake. You're on the right track.”

  ***

  Blake felt worse than when he had gotten up that morning. He knew that's not what Triny had intended, but it was hard for him to feel any other way. He was finally starting to understand the cold, hard truth of what his greedy stubbornness had created as he fled out of town.

  He drove over to the diner on autopilot. Every building, every stop sign, every friggin' landmark, activated a different memory. Some good, some bad. It was such a mixed-up mess in his head, he was getting frustrated. Some memories were crisp and clear while others were a foggy mix of reality and his own perception of what had happened.

  Mac made eye contact with him briefly as Blake scouted out his old booth in the back of the diner. It was empty so he slid into it, his fingers dragging under the table's edge and feeling the scratch marks of his and Lucy's names carved into the wood.

  He smiled to himself. That had been a good day.

  Mac came over and slapped a menu down on the table.

  “Hey, Mac.” Blake looked up at the scowl above him. He wondered if Mac would even serve him. He'd never really approved of his and Lucy's relationship. Or was that his perception clouding reality again?

  “What can I get you?” Mac asked curtly.

  “How about some waffles?” Blake involuntarily smiled. Waffles were Lucy's favorite. She'd always make him bring her to the diner for some late at night. Especially when she was feeling anxious.

  “Sure thing,” Mac muttered under his breath, and walked away.

  Blake leaned back in his seat and surveyed the lunchtime crowd. He recognized most of the patrons, but they either didn't see him or didn't remember him. He was okay with that. As he studied the aging faces, another wave of nostalgia washed over him. Just because he'd been gone didn't mean that time had stood still. It was a grim thought.

  He glanced out the window to hi
s left, seeing the hotel where he had rented a room for their prom night. Blake was suddenly overwhelmed with a crystal clear replay of the events leading up to that night.

  “So are we going to prom together or do you want to skip it?” Blake tossed the Coke bottle at the waste basket next to Lucy's desk from his perch on her window sill. She didn't look up from the paper she was trying to finish as it bounced off the edge and then hit her leg. “They're playing Rebel at the drive-in again this weekend if you want to see that instead.”

  “Tina Jacobson is telling everyone that you're taking her,” Lucy replied stiffly.

  “Tina Jacobson wishes,” Blake scoffed indignantly. “Can you believe she keeps calling the house? Mama threatened to whoop my ass for 'leading that poor girl on.'”

  “Maybe you should stop making out with her then,” Lucy retorted. Her face was still pointing at her homework and he couldn't read her expression, but he probably wouldn't like it. He didn't know she knew about that part. He tried to keep his dalliances from her knowledge. But this town was too small to get away with any kind of indiscretion; no one had secrets.

  Sighing in annoyance, he rolled his eyes up to the ceiling. “Whatever. I'm not taking her to prom.” He waited for her to respond, but the only sound was the scratch of her pencil on the paper. “C'mon, Lucky. Let's either go together or get drunk and go vandalize the water tower again.”

  He dropped his eyes to her hand that paused writing. She sat still. He knew what he was asking, did she? Last week they'd painted indecent words and images on the water tower and split a six-pack. Not their first time. But it felt different.

  He had almost kissed her that night. And for almost a week he'd been wrestling with his disappointment in not doing it. He had backed out with the fear of ruining their friendship forever if he crossed that line. But he couldn't get it out of his head. And he knew deep inside, it would take a lot more than a sloppy, ill-timed kiss to ruin what they had.

  “Ryan Carlson is taking me, so...”

  Aaand sucker punch. Blake frowned in an effort to fight off the queasy feeling in his stomach. “Ryan Carlson? Did you lose a bet or something?”

  “No. He asked me. I thought it sounded like a good idea.”

  Lucy didn't like Ryan Carlson. Did she? “That guy has slept with every girl in our class. He's the male equivalent of Tina Jacobson. Maybe those two should go together.” Blake crossed his arms over his chest, his frown deepening. “He's going to expect you to put out.”

  “I know.” She had gone back to writing. Like what she had just said didn't leave him with a sucking chest wound the size of Tulsa right through the middle of him.

  “What do you mean, you know?” His voice came out angrier than he intended. But seriously, what the hell? Lucy might not be Blake's girl, but she was sure as shit too good for Ryan Carlson! Here he was, thinking about trying to kiss her and maybe taking their friendship to a whole new level, and she was talking about giving it up to that jackwad?

  Lucy sighed and finally turned to face him. But it wasn't her usual face. It was like someone had borrowed her face and pushed it into a much braver expression than she was used to wearing. It was fake and not his Lucy at all. Then she said words with her voice that were clearly from someone else. “I think it's about time I lose my v-card, and Ryan is more than happy to take it off my hands.”

  Where was this coming from? Blake couldn't breathe. Or see. Or think. He tried to pull oxygen into his lungs without looking like he was gasping for life. But wasn't he?

  “No.”

  Her eyebrows went up at his one-word reply. “Excuse me?”

  “Oh, hell no.” Now that he'd said it once, he became more forceful in his delivery.

  “I don't remember asking for your permission.” She glowered at him and then went back to her paper.

  Blake realized through the din of his overreacting pulse rate that he was shaking. “You can't be serious. This is some sick joke, right?”

  “So you're allowed to go out with every slut-bag-ho that you can find, but I have a legitimate date and suddenly it's a sick joke.” Her words were dripping with scorn and he didn't understand what she was thinking. Nothing about this made sense.

  “Ryan Carlson is a scumbag. You're not going with him.”

  “Again, thanks for your opinion, but it's my decision to make.”

  “I won't allow it,” he said through clenched teeth.

  She whirled around, her face flushed. “You won't allow it? Are you kidding me?”

  “You're barely seventeen! This has got to be the single dumbest idea you have ever had!” He wanted to stand up and shake her, but he was so upset by the thoughts racing through him that he was afraid he wouldn't be able to keep his balance. So he sat stiffly in the window sill as she glared daggers at him. The age argument was grasping and he knew it. But he needed to buy time to get his head on right before he started saying things he couldn't take back.

  Her dark hair fell past her face as she ducked her head in embarrassment. This was territory they had never entered before. Not really. She had been more than vocal with her opinions on who he chose to date and what kind of character those girls tended to have. But no conversation had ever veered into including Lucy as being sexually active. She was off limits as far as Blake was concerned. To everyone. He'd spent a good deal of time making sure that the guys around them knew that too. It came as quite a surprise that Ryan Carlson had the balls to even attempt what Lucy was suggesting. The idea of that lowlife putting his hands on her was enough to make him see red.

  Blake had assumed, stupidly, that she was going to live and die a virgin. He had placed that part of her in a box in his head marked 'NEVER GONNA HAPPEN.'

  “I'll tell your daddy,” he threatened quietly. Again, trying to buy time.

  She raised her eyes to his and he could read her thoughts in an instant. She was beyond pissed. She was livid.

  She suddenly jumped up, giving him no time to react before she pushed him out the window. He landed on his back in the dirt with a thud and stared up at eyes that were filled with angry tears and something else he couldn't identify.

  “What's going on with you? Why are you acting like this?” he snapped as he scrambled to his feet quickly.

  “I realize this is a huge shock for you, but I like boys and I want to have sex. It's become nearly impossible for me to even have a conversation with a guy without the threat of you pummeling him into oblivion. If you want to tell my daddy, then go right ahead. Maybe we can all sit down and talk about it like grown-ups. Because whether you like it or not, Blake, it's going to happen eventually. So you better get on board real quick.” And she slammed the window down, locked it and closed the curtains.

  Blake stood there for several minutes slack-jawed before trudging to his bike. This didn't make sense. She didn't make sense.

  He couldn't understand why she was insisting on this thing with Ryan. Why couldn't she just go to prom with Blake and have a nice, safe time. The idea of her first time being with some nobody shredded his insides. What if he was mean to her? What if he hurt her? No, Blake couldn't let that happen.

  He left the bike parked where it was and stomped back to the house. The front door wasn't locked and he didn't bother knocking as Triny wasn't home. Blake strode purposefully to the back of the house, whipping open Lucy's bedroom door.

  She jumped in her chair, and his anger dissolved at the tears running down her face. He couldn't handle it when she cried. He dropped to his knees in front of her.

  “Why are you crying?” He wiped his thumbs over her cheeks as more tears spilled from her eyes.

  “Why do you have to be such a jerk, Blake?” she asked, shaking her head.

  He pulled her forward and she folded into his chest, sobbing quietly.

  “I'm sorry I'm a jerk. I don't mean to be.” He smoothed her hair down her back and kissed the top of her head. He couldn't buy any more time. It was now or never.

  He pulled back and looke
d into her dark brown eyes, eyes that he never got tired of looking at. He used both hands to cradle her face so she was looking directly at him. “It's gotta be me, Lucky. You can't go with anyone else.” Her eyes closed slowly and then reopened.

  “Blake, you can't keep me locked up forever,” she whispered. She didn't understand, he was going to have to explain it.

  “No. The reason I'm being crazy about this is because... I think it's obvious.” He searched her face, hoping she got it. “You're my girl, Lucky. You kind of always have been. I'm pretty sure I'm in love with you. If you're hell bent on being reckless, then be reckless with me.”

  A small smirk began to form in the corner of her mouth. “You're pretty sure, huh?”

  Blake grinned. “Fine, I'm in love with you. Are you happy now?”

  She took a deep breath, her tears drying up as excitement replaced her confusion. “What about what you said about high school love not being real love?”

  “That's for everyone else. You and I are different. We always have been.” He looked at her lips. Lips he had yet to kiss for the first time.

  “I love you, too,” she confessed simply. That was all it took. Blake ran a thumb over her bottom lip gently before capturing it with both of his. Her sharp intake of air caused his blood to ignite and he knew nothing would be the same again.

  That's the night he carved their names under the table.

  He was jolted out of his reverie as Mac placed the plate on the table in front of him.

  “What are you doing here?” Mac asked, brow furrowed in suspicion.

  “Trying to make myself a better person.” Blake's honesty was starting to shock him.

  Mac grunted, but something in his expression softened. He walked away, leaving Blake to eat in peace. Or what Blake could count as peace, considering his relentless thoughts.

  But he was determined to get through this. To face the truth head-on and not dive straight into the nearest bottle of whiskey.

  That summer, the first summer of them being together in all the ways that implied, was amazing. They ran like wild horses, completely oblivious to the surrounding world. Lucy had dubbed it the “Summer of Love” after her favorite song from a silly little band they had seen together when they'd traveled north for an impromptu adventure.