by Wendy Chen
Suzanne wrote back first:
I’m sorry you’re upset. Maybe this is what it took to realize you’re in love.
Kate just stared at that message for a few moments. And repeated the last few words to herself over and over. You’re in love. You’re in love. Was that what this was? This ache she felt? This couldn’t be. Love wasn’t supposed to make you feel like crap. Not at first, anyway. And they’d never even been a couple. How could she have fallen for someone if they’d never even been together?
But she hadn’t felt like crap before last night. All the fun they had together, how being with him was the best part of her day—had they been dating and she hadn’t even known it?
More messages came in, from Cassandra and Mia, both echoing Suzanne’s assessment. Kate hit reply all:
Do you think he’s going to come back?
Kate hit the refresh button repeatedly, waiting for their answers.
Cassandra was the first to reply:
He’s been trying to win you over for weeks. Maybe you need to reciprocate.
Suzanne followed shortly after:
He’s been pretty patient. It’s your move.
Kate sat back in her chair then and thought about all the things Adam had done for her since he arrived. It almost made her sick to her stomach, thinking how she had started taking him for granted, how she had come to almost resent his presence. Now she wanted nothing more than to see him. It wouldn’t be enough to just talk to him on the phone, she decided. If she loved him, if she really did love him, and she wasn’t exactly sure, then she needed to see him to know. And she needed to see him to know if he loved her back.
She clicked onto a travel website. She wasn’t going to do anything rash. It couldn’t hurt just to see what the schedules were like, she told herself. Her heart started beating faster when she saw there was a nonstop flight to San Francisco from LaGuardia. She’d have to drive an hour down to Palo Alto, but if she left now, she could make the flight. Her mouth felt dry, and she felt the heat rise to her face with anticipation. She was really going to do this? She took a glance at her calendar. There wasn’t anything scheduled that she couldn’t change. In a few clicks, her ticket was purchased—one way, no less. She’d figure everything out once she got there. Once she’d seen him, they would figure out the rest.
She started gathering her purse and buzzed her assistant. “I’m not feeling well. Cancel all my meetings for the rest of the day.” She paused and then said, “Tomorrow too.” It was true, Kate justified to herself. She did feel sick to her stomach.
There wasn’t any time for Kate to stop at home, so she grabbed a cab and headed straight to the airport. She kept checking her phone, but still no word from Adam. As she boarded the flight, she sent one last message to her girlfriends. On way to Palo Alto. Wish me luck.
Chapter 17
Kate had barely slept during the long flight. She could only replay, over and over in her mind, every evening she had spent with Adam. Had she mistaken their chemistry together for a long-term friendship? Then she remembered the night he had almost kissed her. Or she had almost kissed him. There was no mistaking the attraction at that moment, but she had misinterpreted it as solely physical, without any of the emotion she was feeling now. So here she was, in a rental car, behind the wheel for the first time in years, driving south on Route 101 to the last physical address she had for him. She had decided on the plane that she wouldn’t call him when she landed, that after coming all this way, she needed to see a genuine reaction when he saw her, not a reaction he could prepare for. She assumed that would tell her where they stood, that she would know her own feelings once she saw his.
There was a certain type of person that the West Coast was suited for, and Kate was not it. Too much driving, too much sun, too much color. She had taken off her black blazer, but was still in her black shift dress, as she cursed the bright California sunshine streaming through the windows. She now understood why no one wore black here, as she started to sweat in sixty-five degree weather. She didn’t even want to think about what driving was doing to her heels. She caught her reflection in the rearview mirror and frowned, realizing she had no hairbrush, no makeup, nothing to freshen up with before she saw him. No matter, she told herself, he’d seen her look worse. She pressed on the accelerator, feeling like she couldn’t get to Palo Alto fast enough.
Kate’s confidence started to lower when she realized the GPS directions were taking her toward beautiful tree-lined streets of large single-family homes with perfectly manicured lawns. The address she had must have been for the house he shared with Claudia. A few more turns and she would be there, at the house of his ex-fiancée, the woman who quite possibly had broken his heart not too long ago. Kate took a few deep breaths and kept driving. There was no turning back now, not after she had travelled so far. If Claudia was there, she would just introduce herself as an old friend of Adam’s, that’s all, and ask if she had his address. She could say she happened to be in town … or something. She tried to convince herself that Claudia would even be happy that some other woman was looking for Adam after she herself had discarded him. But she knew women well enough that they never enjoyed seeing an ex with someone else, no matter the circumstances. Even Linda made snide remarks about women her father was seen with around town.
The GPS announced that she had arrived at her destination, and Kate looked up to match the address to the beautiful, no, gorgeous house that she’d pulled up in front of. It looked newly built, with potted flowers on the porch and lights on inside that made it warm and inviting. The opposite of where she lived. There was even a palm tree on the lawn. A fucking palm tree. She was willing to bet there was a pool in the back, too. It all made sense, of course, since a warm home was all Adam had ever wanted while growing up.
Kate parked and let out one last groan of dread. She got out of the car and smoothed her dress with her palms, trying not to look like she just spent the past seven hours sitting in cramped spaces. She ran her fingers through her hair as she walked up the stone pathway, catching herself as one of her narrow heels wobbled along a stone edge. She didn’t even have the right shoes for this, she thought, as she rang the doorbell nervously.
Claudia was petite and brunette, with a short bob, wearing a periwinkle V-neck T-shirt and faded blue jeans. She was—cute. Nerdy, but cute. She was exactly what Kate would have imagined Adam’s fiancée to look like, if Kate had allowed her mind to wander that far. Kate felt ridiculous, standing on this woman’s doorstep, dressed as she was, and her words come out rushed and jumbled. She barely heard herself saying something like, “Looking for Adam … the only address I have … d’you know where he is?”
Claudia’s expression was confused—and no wonder; it wasn’t every day some Amazon woman showed up at your doorstep looking for your ex-fiancé. She called out behind her. “Ad? There’s someone here to see you.” Kate felt beads of perspiration form on her forehead that had nothing to do with the California sun. Oh my God, Adam is here? The call from Claudia the other night, his sudden departure. They must be reconciling. “Would you like to come in?” Kate realized Claudia was speaking to her and holding the door open wider.
“N-no,” Kate stammered. Before she could think of anything else to say, Adam was at the door. Standing with Claudia in the entryway of their home, they looked like they belonged together, matching faded jeans and all. Kate instinctively took a few steps backward, as if she could run back to the car and pretend she’d never rung their doorbell.
“Kate,” Adam said, clearly surprised, but not clearly pleased, the way Kate had envisioned their meeting. “What are you doing here?”
“This is Kate?” said Claudia, suddenly showing more anger than confusion. She crossed her arms over her chest and her eyes narrowed at Kate.
The way Claudia was looking her up and down triggered Kate’s defenses. “The one and only,” Kate responded with confidence she didn’t feel.
Adam stepped
down to the path in front of Kate, still in his bare feet. “You flew here to find me?” he asked. But Kate couldn’t stop looking at Claudia, how perfect she looked for Adam.
“This was a mistake,” Kate said softly. It came out as barely more than a whisper, but she knew Adam heard her as she turned to walk back toward the car, trying not to wobble from her nerves.
Adam started following her and she heard Claudia say, “As if the neighbors don’t have enough to gossip about.” Kate felt the back of her neck bristle then. Claudia resented this little intrusion on their idyllic suburban life, did she? Well, she may have won Adam, but Kate didn’t have to lose this battle lying down. She stopped and squared her shoulders and put on her best Bitchy New Yorker. She turned to Adam then, bewildered, handsome Adam, and kissed him on the mouth, hard and intending to be fast. But she held him there long enough for her to taste his lips and feel how soft they were, long enough to enjoy the feel of his tongue against hers. He responded, too—how could he not? She was used to men turning to putty in her arms. That had been her intention, hadn’t it? Let him see what he would miss? What she wasn’t used to was the torture it was to tear herself away from him, wanting to lose herself in these arms that had wrapped around her waist. She let herself enjoy him for a moment, to satisfy her curiosity about what he tasted like. Strawberries. Fresh-picked. She let herself pretend this was the kiss she’d flown across the country for, that he’d picked those strawberries for her and had snagged a few before she arrived. Her eyes stayed shut and her lips lingered against his, knowing it could be the last moment she had with him. She finally pulled away, with every ounce of self-control she could muster, knowing he wasn’t hers, was never hers.
She forced herself not to look at him, didn’t want to see his sympathy or pity. She looked directly at Claudia, satisfied to see the perfect little woman’s mouth agape. “I’m done. He’s all yours.” She climbed into the car and started the engine, even as she heard Adam asking her to wait.
Kate drove for nearly ten minutes before she pulled over, checking the rearview mirror even though she knew Adam couldn’t possibly have chased her down in his bare feet. That is, if he had even wanted to come after her. It was almost déjà vu, just like the last time she’d come to see him in Palo Alto, when they were freshmen in college. Only this time it was worse. Back then, they’d just been friends who had had a falling-out. Now? They were—what? Still just friends, and maybe not even that anymore.
She put her head against the steering wheel and tried to catch her breath. She’d gotten it all wrong. He hadn’t been falling for her after all. That night when he’d almost kissed her, it had just been a moment of weakness for him, a diversion from the real relationship that he’d been trying to get back to with Claudia. She squeezed her eyes shut and tried not to imagine them going back inside their cozy little house together, curled up on a comfy sofa, laughing at her. Poor Kate, who had dropped everything to fly all this way. Because she thought she had a chance with Adam? She thought she could break up their happy little home here in paradise? She had a childhood history with Adam, sure. But he and Claudia had romantic history, and years of it. They had—correction, have—a life together. She was shaking with humiliation, but even more, she was shaking from the heartbreak.
After a few minutes, Kate was composed enough to drive again, but she knew she wouldn’t make it all the way to San Francisco like this. So she decided to go to the closer San Jose airport, the very same one that he had dropped her off at all those years ago, the last time they had truly been friends.
The flight choices were slim, and none of them would take her directly home. Kate decided on one that went through Minneapolis, with a flight to New York in the morning. It wasn’t ideal, but at least she knew someone in Minneapolis, and most of all, it got her out of California now.
As Kate sat at the gate to wait to board her flight, she felt composed, in control once again. She called Elizabeth and told her she would be in town, and as expected, Elizabeth told her that she’d pick her up from the airport, that she’d love to have her.
Chapter 18
One of the things Kate had always loved about Elizabeth was her ability to take life at face value. And it was the same this evening when Elizabeth picked her. If she had noticed anything amiss about the situation, like the last-minute nature of this visit or the fact that Kate had no bags and only a purse, she didn’t let on. Kate offered an apology for the sudden drop-in, to which Elizabeth only replied, “Are you kidding? I got to come to the airport all by myself while Matt’s with the kids. I’d say we should stop for a manicure, but of course your nails are already immaculate!” Too bad her nails were just about the only thing about her that didn’t look worse for wear. She was completely exhausted and looked it. But slinking into the passenger seat of Elizabeth’s minivan during the ride to Elizabeth and Matt’s house, Kate already started to feel a bit better.
When they arrived at the house, a beautiful five-bedroom brick colonial that was the model of suburban swank, Kate immediately found herself in the middle of a small storm of kids. To Kate, kids fell into one of three age groups. Baby—wore diapers, often needed to be carried. Big Kid—not yet a dreadful teenager, old enough to self-entertain with some sort of handheld video game device. Little Kid—something in between Baby and Big. Elizabeth had one of each, all of whom had surrounded her, clamoring over one another to be heard. Big Kid was complaining that Little Kid got fingerprints on her Nintendo screen, Little Kid was saying Big Kid wasn’t sharing, and Baby was clad only in a diaper as she pulled on Elizabeth’s pants with a cry.
Elizabeth looked down at Baby and then at Kate. “You’d think after three kids, Matt would have learned how to dress them by now.” Kate just smiled. Even with the sarcasm she knew Elizabeth adored Matt and gave him a lot of credit for being as involved with the kids as his work allowed. And, of course, Matt came out to greet them just then, carrying baby clothes and wearing a pirate hat. He said hello to Kate with a kiss on the cheek and then cried “Ahoy, maties!” as he scooped up Little Kid in one arm and Baby in the other. Big Kid was told to get her homework done before bedtime.
Kate was left alone in the family room for a bit while Elizabeth and Matt got the kids settled in for the night. Two of the kids, anyway. Little Kid wearing Cookie Monster pajamas and one sock came over to where Kate was sitting on the couch. He stared at her for a moment, sipping a straw cup filled with milk in one hand and holding a hardcover picture book in the other. He awkwardly, but determinedly, climbed onto Kate’s lap. She was so startled that she just sat there. She didn’t help him up, but at least she didn’t push him away, as was her first instinct. He tapped the book with his index finger. “Read it,” he said and then snuggled in to lean back on her, still drinking his milk. Kate was at a loss, having never read a child a book before. So she did as she’d been instructed and read the book about dinosaurs. This isn’t soooo bad, she thought, but she was somewhat relieved to reach the end.
“Read it again,” Little Kid said, still not removing his mouth from his straw or even turning to look at her.
“Uhh, OK,” Kate responded. At the end of the story, Kate looked up and saw Elizabeth watching them from the stairs.
“OK, Justin,” Elizabeth said. “Story’s done, now go up to bed.”
Little Kid turned to Kate then and stared at her, as if trying to decide on something. Kate thought to herself that she’d never seen eyelashes that long or eyes so wide. She was suddenly worried that she’d disappointed him somehow. Should she have done goofy voices for him? He took his bottle out of his mouth and hugged her. She didn’t know what else to do other than hug back. Had she ever hugged anyone so tiny before? His little bones felt so fragile. She hoped she wasn’t squeezing him too hard because she suddenly realized that she needed this hug, had probably needed a hug for a while. She blinked back a tear, glad that Elizabeth was too far away to see her do it, glad that her face was behind his soft, curly hair tha
t smelled like baby shampoo. “Thank you,” he said cheerily and tucked his straw back in his mouth as he hopped off the couch with his book.
“You’re welcome,” Kate whispered, but he was already halfway up the stairs by the time she’d found her voice.
“Sorry, Kate,” Elizabeth said. “One more thing, and I’ll be right back down.”
“No problem,” Kate responded, glad that she was able to muster a normal tone. She was glad to be alone for a few more moments, to gather herself together. It had been a while since she had done the math, since Kate had long decided or convinced herself that it wasn’t necessary. Growing up, she had originally thought the math would work like this for her: Date in college, married by twenty-four, kid one by twenty-six, kid two by twenty-eight, kid three at thirty, with a career somehow along the way. While in college, she thought she would leave a little more time for establishing a job and playing the field: Date two years, married by twenty-eight, kid one by thirty, kid two by thirty-three. By the time she had hit twenty-eight, she was a rising star at her firm, and there wasn’t any one man she was particularly interested in. So she had decided she probably wouldn’t get married, that she didn’t want to get married. And since then, every time she heard about a heartbreaking divorce like Suzanne’s, she congratulated herself on making the right choice. What would the math be now? She didn’t allow herself to do the calculations. The arrangement with Alberto aside, she didn’t even have a man remotely in the picture, not with Adam gone.