Fuck. He was perfect. It was going to kill me to leave him. My fingers found the button of his jeans, “Where’s your mum?” I murmured.
“She’s at my Aunt Jean’s house.” He panted, “She’s staying over. We’ve got the place to ourselves.”
“Then I want you right here, right now.” I said as I unzipped his jeans and pushed them down to his knees. “Let me see your gorgeous cock.”
He smiled at me and pulled his cock out of his boxer shorts.
“Oh, yeah.” I groaned as I sank to my knees and nuzzled at his hardness, breathing in his beautiful musky scent before I took him deeply into my mouth.
He sighed above me and threaded his fingers in my hair, holding me in place as he gently started to thrust into my mouth. I loved it when he did this. He was always so respectful and gentle with me. It was utterly perfect.
I reached my hands around and started to tease his hole with my fingers. I loved fingering him and sucking him and the same time. It made him come a little quicker than when I didn’t, but he was always hard again within a few minutes and we could carry on all night...
“Gonna come, baby.” He warned.
I nodded, pulling him a little closer and sliding another finger inside him as I did so.
His whole body jerked as his orgasm hit him with force.
I swallowed down his delicious hot streams of come until he was completely spent and then sucked his slightly softening cock until he couldn’t take anymore, “Baby,” he whispered, “Stop.”
I pulled off him, “Are you okay?” I asked.
He nodded, “Better than okay.” He whispered, “How about you – can I suck you yet?”
I shook my head, “I was clean last week but since then...” I trailed off.
He frowned and clenched his fists. I knew he wasn’t angry with me. He was angry with Lenny for not protecting me well enough against my clients.
I’d been the entertainment at a party Lenny was throwing and I was basically the guys’ fuck toy for the night. Two or three of them had a go on me bareback so I’d gone to the clinic the next morning and I was on tablets to prevent HIV while I was waiting for the test results. I couldn’t risk Mason contracting anything.
“You should insist on condoms all of the fucking time.” He said, sounding really pissed off.
I nodded, “I know that.” I said, “And I do – but it was an unusual situation.” I really didn’t want to tell him what had gone down but I knew I would tell him everything. I always did. And he was always understanding. He was amazing...
“What happened?”
I started to tell him about it. I always felt better once I’d gotten it off my chest. It hadn’t been a terrible experience but it wasn’t really what I wanted to do for the rest of my life, either. The guys had been fun – most of them were young and they were just excited to be able to screw a young hot guy that was a sure thing. I was propositioned twice for a private party afterwards but I’d declined. It was safer to be fucked in front of them all than it was behind closed doors with just a couple of them.
“So they all watched?” Mason asked, a look of mild horror on his face.
I nodded, “Yeah,” I said, “It was basically a free-for-all. They were all sucking and fucking each other.”
He shook his head, “You really need to get out of that environment baby,” he murmured, stroking my hair and hugging me to him, “It’s really unhealthy.”
I nodded. It was unhealthy. I knew that. I hadn’t batted an eyelid when guys started to fuck each other on the sofa in front of their friends and acquaintances – and then when I was introduced as the entertainment, I was naked and joining in without a second thought. It was show time so I went into performance mode – performing well meant tips as well as the usual fee. Private parties paid really well and I was desperate to claw back as much money as possible since my stash had been stolen.
It was nothing like that with Mason. When I was with Mason, it was love motivating me. Not money.
He started kissing me and I melted into him. “I want to make love to you, Hendrix.” He murmured, “Is that okay?”
I nodded, “That sounds fantastic.” I whispered.
He took my hand and led me to his bedroom, “I want to make love to you the way you deserve – in a bed, by a man who loves you.”
My eyes filled with tears. “Mason.” I whispered, “I have to tell you something first.” I couldn’t let him do this only to break his heart in the morning...
“Tell me later,” he whispered back, “I just need to love you.”
*
I watched Mason sleep for a long time before I woke him up. He looked so beautiful when he slept. His dark hair always managed to fall across his forehead, making him look young and innocent. And he was quite innocent – very innocent in comparison to me, anyway...
I wished things were different. I wished I’d been born to different parents and that my life hadn’t turned out this way – but wishing was for dreamers and I was all about reality. Reality sucked but it was all I had and I had to make the best of things. I had to get away and I had to do it now, before I was sucked even deeper into the dark world I was currently inhabiting, with the occasional respite that reminded me of another reality that didn’t involved stripping for men and being used and abused on a daily basis.
Mason stirred and mumbled something in his sleep. I took a deep breath and reached out my hand to stroke his beautiful face. It was time to tell him that this was the last time we were going to see each other. It was killing me inside to tell him but I had to. I didn’t expect to be here this time tomorrow. I would be far away by then.
He blinked his eyes and looked at me. His smile was instant, “Good morning gorgeous.” He murmured, “Come here.”
I shook my head, “I can’t.” I said, trying to be strong, “I can’t do this anymore Mason.” I mumbled, trying to hold back tears. I’d never been one to cry. Even when Dad died and left me with my less than useless brother, I’d taken it on the chin. Life had never been easy but the phrase ‘shit happens’ seemed to have been invented just for me.
I reached for my shirt that I’d discarded happily the night before. I had to do this quickly or my resolve would most certainly crumble.
I’d done it again. I’d used him. Only I wasn’t really using him. I absolutely adored him. I wanted to be with him forever but I wasn’t worthy of him. I knew that even if he didn’t seem to have grasped it.
He was so trusting too. Not that I’d ever put him in danger. I’d insisted that we use condoms every time we were together. I wasn’t going to give him anything that I might have contracted through my work.
He frowned at me, giving me that worried look I was becoming far too familiar with, “What are you on about?” he asked.
“I’m leaving – now,” I said. I hadn’t even gotten around to telling him that my money had been stolen, “I’m out of here.”
“But I want to look after you, Hendrix.” He said grabbing my arm and making me look at him. “I’ll be leaving college soon. I’ll work harder. I’ll get some extra hours with my uncle in the garage and we’ll find our own place...”
It sounded so idyllic. Living together and finding a real job but it was just an impossible dream. As long as Lenny was around I was his puppet. I wasn’t strong enough to get away from him and his dopey sidekick brother Daryl. Daryl did everything he was told to do – he was bound to have been the one that had broken into my flat. I shook my head, “I’ll never be free of Lenny and you know it – the guy owns me.”
Mason’s mouth turned down at the corners and he shook his head, “He doesn’t own you,” he said firmly, “we’ll leave here – I’ve got savings – and you’ve got your stash. Uncle Joe said he’d lend us whatever we need. It’s all going to turn out okay – you’ll see. As long as I’m with you, I’ll live anywhere – you know that.”
I did know that and that was what was so damned painful about leaving him. “My money was stole
n, Mason. I don’t have a fucking penny to my name other than what I had on me, so I’m going with what I’ve got in my wallet and I’ll find work along the way. And I know you want to help me and I know you’re the best thing that ever happened to me – but everything won’t be okay, Mase. He’s never going to let me live my life – and they’ll only go after Joe if he tries to helps us out – and then they’ll ultimately find us – and I refuse to have you hurt because of me.” I was terrified of them tracking him down. Lenny wouldn’t think twice about killing Mason if he thought it would lead to finding me. Lenny was all about destroying lives. What we’d had was magical but it had to end. Now.
Mason, who had let me go while we talked grabbed my wrist again. “Don’t go doing anything stupid, baby.” He murmured. “Don’t give up on us. We’ll figure something out.”
I smiled at him and stroked my finger across his beautiful nose. He had freckles from working out in the sunshine all week and they were so adorable. I gazed at his face, trying my best to memorise every single one. “Always know that I really loved you. I really did.” My voice cracked.
Mason frowned, “Loved?” he asked, his voice rising a little with panic, “Past tense? What are you planning?”
I hadn’t meant to talk about him as if he was part of my past. I shrugged, trying to pretend that it wasn’t killing me, “I’ve got to get away from here – without you being involved.” I don’t think I can live without you, “I’ll call you when I’m safe.” I blurted out, knowing that I wouldn’t be able to break all contact. I wasn’t strong enough. I needed him. I loved him...
Mason flopped back against his pillows. He clearly didn’t believe me. “You don’t have to do this alone, babe.” He said softly, “I love you and I want to help you.”
Oh, God. This was torture, pure torture, “I know you do. But you can’t help me this time,” I gasped, “No one can.”
*
I got home. On the way there, I’d formed a bit of a plan in my head. If I was dead, Lenny couldn’t come after me anymore. I clearly wasn’t really thinking straight but I was heartbroken that I’d broken things off with Mason and frankly, I was torn between wanting to live and wanting to die. I thought it was the only way. I’d fake my own death, get out once it looked like enough blood had been spilt and then I’d be out of there... Well, that was exactly the way it went down – but it wasn’t the way I’d planned it all. In my plan of action I got away and called Mason a month later to join me in the South of France...
Sitting on my bedroom floor I gripped the knife in my right hand and took in a deep breath holding the knife against my left wrist. To be honest, this wasn’t the first time I’d thought about this. But I’d never thought it right through to the end.
It was a bit awkward being left-handed and having to perform the task with my right hand but I’d kind of got an idea that if it looked like someone else had done it.... I know, I know. It was a really stupid plan...
I gasped. Fuck. I’d totally cut deeper than I intended. God, that fucking burns. I looked at my arm in alarm. Holy fuck, that was bleeding a lot. I watched in fascinated horror as the blood started to seep through the fabric of my jeans. It was hot to begin with but it cooled really quickly and I started to shiver. I glanced at the floor. It was making quite a large puddle. Shit. This was kind of serious. At least the laminated wood floor would clean up pretty easily...
I heard thumping and at first I was confused. Was it my heart making its final beats of my life? I really didn’t know. My head was spinning and I wasn’t really with it anymore.
“You fucking little idiot.” Oh, God. It was Daryl.
Please. Just leave me to die... “No.” I murmured, “Don’t...” Don’t bother to save me. Just let me die. Let me go, let me be free...
“For fuck’s sake, Hendrix, what the fuck were you thinking of?” he asked, kneeling down in the blood and ripping a strip off his tee shirt. He grabbed my wrist and started to wrap it in the material. It burned even more than the knife had. “Stupid little fucker.” How could he be so calm? I was covered in blood and I could smell it – it was disgusting. I wanted to throw up. “Come on.” He said, slapping my face, “You’re not fucking dying on me. Not today anyway...”
Well, sucks to be you, Daryl, because that’s exactly what I’m gonna do... I closed my eyes and relished in the blackness of oblivion...
*
I opened my eyes and blinked. It was far too bright. Was I actually alive then? Shit. I really was... I could have sworn I’d gone...
So, where the hell was I then?
I groaned as I tried to sit up. Fuck. I felt like utter shit.... Squinting in the sunlight that was shining right in my eyes, I looked around. Didn’t this place have any fucking curtains? Oh. Holy shit – was this actually heaven? Fuck... totally thought I’d be going somewhere a little further south...
As I regained my focus, my heart sank. I was looking into the snake eyes of my cousin, Daryl. God, I fucking hated that wanker. He was every bit as odious as his older brother – more so really because he was a cowardly little fucker too.
He grinned nastily, “Nice to have you back.” he drawled, “Now are you gonna try explaining why you were trying to kill yourself?”
Well, it wasn’t really the plan but I wasn’t about to tell him anything. “That’s none of your fucking business.” I snapped. “And I want my fucking money back too.” I fucking knew it was Daryl who’d taken it. No one else knew about my penchant for making a secret hidey-hole in the bottom of my wardrobe but Daryl had found mine one time when he’d come round to our house before everyone died on me. He’d obviously checked that first when he broke into my flat and found my secret stash immediately. The sneaky bastard. Still, I guess I should have known better than to keep on using the same place to keep my special stuff. I should have known that Daryl wouldn’t forget.
And obviously, being a total sap, Daryl would do anything for Lenny – he was afraid of him and with good reason – fuck, we all were. Lenny was a vicious bastard when he was crossed.
Daryl shrugged, “Call it a loan.” He said with a grin, “Where the fuck did you amass all that money anyway?”
Fury shot through me. He knew exactly how and where I’d got it. He’d never once stepped in to stop his brother from exploiting me. I shrugged. What was the fucking point? If he did know, he was being deliberately obtuse because he was a homophobic twat – and if he didn’t know, then he was still a twat because he fucking should know what was going on under his nose. I wasn’t about to get my head ripped off for sleeping with men for money though. Let him stay in the dark about it. “This and that.” I said with a shrug.
Daryl scowled menacingly and cracked his knuckles, “Well, that’s not what I heard.” He said. Oh. Big surprise... “I heard that you’re some kind of cock-slut that fucks guys for money. Are you?”
I sighed. It was bound to get out sooner or later. Our community was small. “I needed the money to get out of here.” I muttered.
Daryl stared at me, his face showing his utter disgust at me, “But fucking men for money, dude – that’s fucking gross.” He paused, eyeing me curiously. I knew what was coming next. Daryl was so easy to read, “So are you actually gay or one of those gay-for-pay type of guys?”
Oh, for fuck’s sake, Daryl. Get a life. I shrugged, doing my best not to roll my eyes. I found myself wondering what difference it would make and decided to go for the truth – he’d find out anyway, sooner or later it would become obvious. “Well, obviously.” I said, a little sarcastically, “And there are worse ways of making money.”
Daryl shook his head, “No, mate.” He said with a snort, “There really aren’t.”
I thought about the way Callum had looked the last time I ever laid eyes on him and swallowed back the bile that rose up into my throat. There was. Drugs were far worse. They destroyed people. Giving a guy a blowjob for a tenner wasn’t the best thing in the world – but fuck, I wasn’t hurting anyone... “So why did
you bring me here?” I asked, looking around and wondering for the millionth time where the actual fuck I was. It certainly wasn’t Lenny’s place. “What’s the deal?”
Daryl grinned, “We’re gonna be fucking minted, mate – there’s a massive shipment coming in – we’ve just got to intercept it and we need all hands on deck.”
Oh, fuck. My blood ran cold. This was exactly why I’d wanted out of the family. I was so fucking sick of the double-crossing and the stealing and the general bad-living that went with it all. I just wanted to leave all of this happiness-draining lifestyle behind and make a new life far away from it all – with Mason. My heart ached for my sweet, loving, beautiful Mason who wouldn’t know a spliff from a bong and was going to be rich one day, but he’d be rich from earning his money honestly.
How Mason had ever been attracted to me in the first place was quite beyond me but even if I never saw him again – I was grateful for the few months I’d had him in my life... If nothing else, he’d shown me a better way of life than the one I’d been born to. He’d given me hope...
“Count me out, dude.” I said, “I made a deal with Lenny – I fuck the guys and he takes his commission. I don’t have anything to do with the drugs.”
Daryl shook his head, “Maybe he changed his mind, then.” He said with a grin, “Because he sent me to get you – and he didn’t mention nothing about you fucking no guys.” He chuckled.
I swallowed. Fuck. Lenny must have known something, “Then you’d better tell them I died.” I muttered.
A look of panic crossed Daryl’s face, “I can’t do that – Lenny’ll kill me if I say that – you know that as well as I do. I was sent to find you, dude.”
I shook my head and rolled my eyes. Fuck. I was never going to get away. “Fuck my life.” I muttered. I was never gonna be able to be my own man whilst ever Lenny was alive... “Right, then,” I said with a sigh, resigned to the fact that I wasn’t going to be able to get away from the gang for a while – and actually not feeling strong enough to fight anyway. “What do I have to do?”
Dangerous Love...: A Studs & Steel Novella Page 4