by Zoey Kinsman
Tears burned hot on my face. There it was. He could have anyone.
“Yes, I know the great Paul Wickham can have whomever he wants, so just go do that, okay? Spare us both the pain. If you’re going to go, then go now.” The sobs were mournful. I turned from him. But, he turned me back to him and I realized I couldn’t disguise my pain anymore.
Seeing my distress, he was calmer now. “Where is this coming from? I need to understand what’s going on.”
He reached for me, but I backed away. I felt too vulnerable.
“Please let me in. I don’t know what I’ve done wrong. How can I fix it if I don’t even know what is wrong? You’re shutting me out, but why?” He stood on that one spot and waited for the answer he felt entitled to, for the information he needed. He was looking for some kind of rationale, but there was none here.
“It’s like this,” I mumbled through my tears. “You’re going to leave anyways. It’s just a matter of time. I know you’ve said that you want something real, but the reality for me is that I couldn’t handle it. If I invest emotionally and you end up leaving, it’ll break me.” I looked up at him for his acknowledgment that he understood. “Please Paul, spare me. You’ll be okay, but I won’t. You are a good man. You don’t want that for me, right?”
I went to reach for him again, but he went and sat down in one of the chairs in front of my desk instead.
“I’m totally stunned. I don’t know what to say…” Then there was a knock at the door, and it was Trish with the coffees. My face was smeared by tears. He went and opened the door a crack and took the coffees from her.
“We’re in a bit of heated discussion about the memoir. Thanks, Trish.” Then he closed the door again and looked right at me, the stare searing my soul.
“No, you don’t get off that easy. It takes work to make a relationship work. Life’s a gamble, Anne. You know this. So you have to decide if I’m worth the gamble or not. I thought we had something really special happening here. But if I’m wrong, just tell me and I’ll be gone. I promised to not hurt you. Do you want me to put it in writing?”
We both laughed at that comment. As I tried to pass him to reach my own chair, he finally reached back for me and I found myself all curled up in his lap with my arms wrapped around his neck. His hands went under my skirt, massaging my legs and whispering little loving endearments in my ear.
“Don’t be sad, my beauty. Please, my love, don’t be scared. Let love find its way for us, my beauty, my one.” Then he wiped away the last tears that my fear had set free. He had reassured me for now.
We froze for a few moments, transfixed on each other. Breaking the spell, I let him know, “I am only good with you.” Our mouths met again in sweet reunification. Surrender to him was too easy. My body went limp in his arms. There was no more debating him. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe my life is a gamble, and you are the best chance I am willing to take. But if you break me, I promise to never forgive you. You’ve been forewarned, Mr. Wickham.” My arms went around his neck tighter. His were around my middle as he drew me as close as two humans could be without consuming each other.
“Will you come after me,” he teased, “if I disappoint you?”
“You could never disappoint me. Hurt me maybe, but not disappoint. No, I would never come after you. Instead, I think I would just freeze you out. There would never be a way back in. It’s my modus operandi. It’s how I survive.”
“Wow, that’s cruel. I like to think that I would forgive you anything, even hurt or betrayal.”
“Don’t be naïve, Paul. There is no return from either. I’ve lived it, remember?”
“I’ve lived it, too, and you should remember that as well.”
Perhaps I had met my match.
“So, Anne…listen…I’m going to ask you to please never do that to me again. You cut me to my core when you talk about leaving me when we’ve only just begun.”
“So you’re not going? You’re sure?” I asked that kind of sheepishly, but there were never enough reassurances with a man that “could have any woman he wanted.”
“No, neither one of us is going anywhere. Better together.”
“Better together…it’s a deal.” I gave him my hand to shake on it, and he put it between his legs.
“Look what you do to me, woman…it’s that damn boner problem. I can’t handle you sitting on me anymore. We better get up and go for lunch before I take you right here.”
Quickly, I moved off his lap. “I must look awful right now with all my make-up smudged and my skirt hiked up.”
“You look beautiful to me. So precious, so vulnerable, and all mine.”
My smile in his direction was so bright, it lit up his face. That face that I was falling in love with, that person who stood before me that I wanted near me for always. The thoughts made me shiver in fear again, but then his hand extended itself to me and I knew all would be good with the world.
Wearing my sunglasses now to cover up my swollen eyes, we exited the office together. Not touching, but together.
“Trish, we’re going for lunch now. If you need me, just text me.”
“Do you know when you’ll be back?”
“No, I’m not sure how long it’ll take.”
With that we were out the door, the door that he opened for me.
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Trish’s bewilderment. She was trying to figure out what was going on, but just couldn’t put the puzzle pieces together. If I hadn’t cried so much, I might have had the energy to laugh. We kept walking till we got to his car. I climbed in and we took off.
“Where are we going?”
“It’s a little place over the water that I wanted to show you.”
“Nice, I’m looking forward to it.”
Sitting back, I let him take the lead and relaxed till we arrived at the restaurant.
“Come, I’ve reserved us a table. I hope you like it.”
It was a small intimate spot overlooking the water, with simple tables covered with plain white cloths. The air wafted warm and inviting against our skin and remedied all that had wounded us. That summer breeze transformed our battle-weary souls back to renewed and ready to journey forward.
He ordered platters of fresh seafood and vegetables, and we devoured them with gusto. His choices were perfect, and the food was mighty tasty. It came with a home-baked baguette and butter that were scrumptious with the white wine selection.
“You really know how to feed a girl. This is amazing. Probably one of the best meals I’ve had.”
“I’m glad you like this place. We can come here whenever you want.” His hand skimmed over mine, and the sensations felt electric. He knew it. “Later, my beauty. Later I will take all of you and give you all of me.”
“I would like that very much.” My fingers danced along his hand and up his arm.
“You need to stop that.” He laughed robustly and then stared right at me to emphasize his point.
I pulled my hand back unwillingly but out of necessity…the boner problem was resurfacing.
“So, let’s talk about tonight. Are you ready to discuss the event?”
I buttered up another slice of that thick, luscious bread, and as I was about to take my first bite, I motioned that he should go on and let me know his thoughts.
“Well, I want you with me tonight. It’s that simple.”
“But it really isn’t, and you know that. Have you run it by your PR team or your agent?”
“It doesn’t matter what they say, because they know I’ll do what I want anyways.”
“It matters to me. I don’t want any harm to come to you in any fashion. The magazines can be brutal, the production companies always want to have a say, and agents want to make their money off you and only keep you if they can do that. So Paul, honestly, I’m not asking you to sacrifice what you’ve worked so hard for just to be with me.”
“I don’t think it would come to that. And even if it did, it’s my choice, my choic
e how to spend my life.”
“No, you’re wrong, because I could never live with myself if I knew I took anything away from you. You need to speak to your team. This is what I have been trying to tell you.”
“Anne, I am not letting you go for anything. I don’t care.”
“But you should. You should care. I care. So, damn it, please get an opinion on how it will affect your career. Okay?”
“I did get an opinion.”
Pausing for a moment to absorb the shock that he did indeed worry and want to know, my hands went to my side, holding on tight to the seat of the chair, bracing myself.
“And?”
“They say you should stay in the shadows for now and during my next hiatus, I introduce you slowly.”
He looked down into his plate now for some kind of refuge from my probing eyes.
“What did you tell them?”
He looked up and at me. “I told them no. I told them that it was my life and I’d live it how I wanted. My agent said it could hurt my chance of getting other roles after Viceroy. I don’t see how it could if the acting is good, but he said Hollywood is fickle.”
“So, I will stay in the shadows. That’s it. It’s done. Remember, better together. That’s all that matters.”
“Anne—” He wanted to fight me on it.
“No, I told you I would not be the reason your career suffers. If you blow your career, let it fall on the acting but not on me.”
“Well, I kind of worked out a compromise if you’re open to hearing my ideas.”
“Sure, hit me. I’m always open to you.” My grin was wide. He chuckled.
“My idea is that you come to the events with me, but just don’t walk the red carpets with me. This way, I still have you by my side.”
“That way, you still look single and available.”
“Yes, that would be the appearance. But I am yours and you are mine. It’s just appearances.”
“I need to think about it. I’m not sure…how about I skip tonight and just let me think about it some more?”
“I’m good with that as long as you agree to come to the next one on Friday night.”
“Paul!”
“I’m serious. You think it out, but you’ll see that it makes no big difference as long as we are together. You’ll get what you want, which is to preserve my career, and I’ll get what I want, which is to have you near.”
“So maybe my ‘memoir’ story is not so bad after all. That would explain my attendance at all the events. I’m documenting your life! See, it’s really brilliant.” He could see how pleased I was with myself.
“You are brilliant, my beauty. I mean, I don’t really care about optics as long as you are near.”
We finished up our meal and he drove me back to work. It was close to three o’clock now, and there was much still to do for both of us.
Sitting in front of my office building, he began, “I have to run to the gym now and then get ready for tonight. I should be finished by around eleven. Would you be okay with me slipping in next to you tonight? I don’t want to lose too much time away from you. I do have a key, remember?”
“I would like that. I might be sleeping when you get in, but it’ll be wonderful to wake up next to you.”
“We’re going to be good, because we work out in days what it takes people years to recognize.”
I nodded in agreement at his profound wisdom.
He drew me into him once more for one last kiss. He drew me into that intoxicating musky heaven of his that enthralled me. Almost lost once more, we stopped, knowing that one minute more and we would be gone.
“Later.”
“Later.”
Chapter 6
He did come back, but later than he’d predicted. His body, tired from another kind of performance, crawled into bed next to mine and then scooped me into his arms. Breathing in deeply all the air surrounding us, the distinct scent of his cologne, strong alcoholic spirits, and tobacco mixed together. They were pungent aromas that spoke of a time and space. Somewhere he had gone without me, yet something he had done many times before. I briefly wondered what it was like for him. His hold on me comforted, and I fell fast asleep again in his arms.
When the morning broke, I was first to arise. He appeared deep in restful slumber.
“Sleep…sleep, precious prince…sleep.”
Not hearing me, he lay in my bed fast asleep. I kissed him lovingly and ever so softly so as not to awaken him, then made ready for the day.
It was a day like any other, but I wondered about him. His beautiful sentiments and thoughts illuminated my thinking. I couldn’t stop thinking about him and had to keep refocusing my mind on work.
At around eleven in the morning, he texted me a love note. I sent heart emojis back to acknowledge I felt the same. Then he let me know his day’s activities and that he would come for me at seven. He didn’t have to let me know what he was doing, but it felt good knowing that he wanted to share.
At three he texted again to ask me to pack a change of clothing and a bathing suit, with big heart eyes emoji at the end.
I didn’t ask questions, knowing that yesterday had been filled with just too many. We needed the break to just be free of probing.
I wrote back that I would obey his command. He wrote back that the thought of me obeying any command was turning him on, so he’d best be going for now. He signed off with several kisses. I sent one back.
My day went by so fast, and the anticipation of just being with him was exhilarating, like a Jaguar on idle. It was the joy of expectation pulling at my heart.
Of course my days were also becoming peppered with Paul Wickham questions by Trish. I didn’t know how long I could keep the ruse up. But I got better at it as each hour passed.
For now, I was taking one day at a time. Each day with him proved to be a new beginning, full of possibility, full of love and different experience. The mystical kind of wonderment that made me stand back in awe was back from the dead, alive and well. There was a kind of magic stirring that only love could bring, that made our souls, our lives, resound with meaning.
* * * *
With bag in hand as asked, I was ready when he picked me up right at seven o’clock.
“So where are we off to tonight, kind sir?”
“My place. We’ll do take-out and then go for a swim.”
“Good stuff…so how was last night?”
“It was the usual bullshit…fake smiles and interviews and intrusive questions. I’ve become good at navigating my way around it. The food was good, and the booze was top shelf, though, so that was a plus. Some of these events have the crappiest of crap.” We laughed at that.
“It’s all about budget. Yeah, I smelled that top shelve stuff on your breath last night.”
“Yeah, I took a cab to your place and home. I knew I was going to be drinking to pass the time there without you.”
“You could have just talked to people. You really are so funny, Paul.”
“Who should I talk to? The women that want to fuck me or the bullshit press looking for a scoop?”
“The press is fine. They promote you. They make you look good or bad, if that’s what you want. They’re just doing their job. We all have a job.”
“You’re probably right, because I really wouldn’t want their job, having to almost prostitute yourself for a bit of something new to write about.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“Well, whether an interviewer likes you or not, they have to make something work with you so it looks good in the media. They could think you’re the biggest prick, but they will schmooze you all up in your face to get what they need. You know, I do play an asshole with them. It’s amazing that they still take an interest in me.”
“It’s because you are on a hit show, you look good, and you actually are a good actor.”
“Is that a back-handed compliment?”
“No, it’s a sincere, heartfelt one. You are all of thos
e things, but yeah, I’ve seen how you can be a dick. I saw it at Comic Con.”
“Really?”
There was a touch of swagger in my voice now. “Yeah, and I’ll tell you the only dick I want to be seeing from you is the one between your legs, thank you very much.”
“Well, maybe I should just pull the car over now and show you how big of a dick I am.”
“Trust me, honey, I know.” I burst out laughing along with him.
When we got to his place, he had already brought in the take-out and Stella had set everything up nicely for us. More casual now, we sat to eat and chat. He did veggie burgers with the fixings, sweet potato fries, and salads…very balanced.
“So, how was your day?”
“Well, when I got up and out of your place, headed home, showered, and went to the gym…the usual stuff. I did, though, go in to pick up my first script for the next season. I haven’t had an opportunity to look at it yet. Decided it was time to also start reaching out to some friends in the cast and production to keep in touch. So, most of the day was killed, although I did relish the thought of being your precious prince again tonight.” He said all this while casually munching away on his greens.
Ugh, so he had heard me. My face must have blushed red again, because he was quick to add, “I was really touched. It affirmed my own feelings for you, my beauty.”
“Why do you always call me that? I’m curious.”
“Are you curious or looking to pick my brains once more?” His wink in my direction was subtle and cute.
“No silly, I mean it.”
“Well, to me, you are the most beautiful woman I have ever met, inside and out…it’s actually very simple.”
“But how can you say that in all honesty?”
“Because it’s the truth! I don’t get you. Are you challenging my truth? See, it’s when you question my sincerity and integrity that I get really mad.”
“Now, I’m not challenging anything, calm yourself.” I laughed to ease the tension. “I guess I just don’t see myself the way you see me, and maybe I need to respect that.”