LARK: You describe yourself as competitive?
BENNETT: No. I would describe myself as a winner. It’s just a fact of life. Ever since school.
LARK: You did well in school?
BENNETT: Too right. Fighting them off, I was. Had half the Sixth Form, and a couple of the younger teachers. The beginning of a great career.
LARK: And academically?
BENNETT: Rugby, football, basketball. Everything. Except cricket. That’s for poofs.
LARK: You don’t like, uh, homosexuals?
BENNETT: Show me a bloke who says he does and I’ll show you a poof. It’s not a natural thing, is it? Whatever they say these days. LARK: You’ve never been married?
BENNETT: I’ve been engaged a couple of times, if that’s what it takes to get the cork to pop.
LARK: It’s important that you be unattached, for the show. Do you have a girlfriend?
BENNETT: A couple, actually. But no one I can’t chuck if something tasty comes along.
LARK: You understand, then, that there’s a certain standard of, ah, wildness expected on shows like this.
BENNETT: I’ve seen my share. Holidays in the sun. Drunken tarts gagging for it. Is this like that?
LARK: There’s an element of that format, but there’s also a game aspect, a competitive streak. Physical competition.
BENNETT:Blind Date Meets Gladiators?
LARK: You might say that. You look as if you could look after yourself.
BENNETT: I’ve had my share of scrapes. I come out on top. By any means necessary, if you know what I mean and I think you do.
LARK: You work for an estate agent?
BENNETT: I work as an estate agent. It’s just what I do in the days. History is made at night.
LARK: Do you like your job?
BENNETT: I like helping people. Setting families on the road to home-ownership.
LARK: Really. Really?
BENNETT: Well, no. You’re sharp That’s what we’re supposed to say. I like the push and the commission. There are so many ways to make something work to your advantage. That side of it is fun, but there’s always a problem with the pillocks.
LARK: The pillocks?
BENNETT: Buyers, sellers, the lot of them. Pillocks. Always pulling out at the last minute, or screaming that they’ve been rooked, that they weren’t told something it was their business to find out. You know the sort. Pillocks.
CHISELHURST: Donger, do you find April attractive?
BENNETT: Phwoarr!
TREECE: Really, Tiny.
BENNETT: No, fair question. You look very good for your age, Miss Treece. April. Smart. Good clothes. I like that. Not like some of the shag-slags. Some women put on a suit and look dikey, but not you.
CHISELHURST: If Dr Wendel came at you in a pub with a knife, could you take him?
BENNETT: No offence, but yes.
WENDEL: You might be surprised.
BENNETT: Like I said, I’m a winner. If he had a knife and I didn’t, I’d bottle him. End of story. It’s not even that he’s older and smaller, but it’s that he hasn’t got the heart. Most people haven’t. Too squeamish.
CHISELHURST: Thank you, Harry ... ah, Donger. We’ll be in touch.
BENNETT: Have I passed? Is there anyone behind the mirror?
CHISELHURST: We have enjoyed this interview.
BENNETT: I’m in, aren’t I? I bloody knew it. You won’t regret this. You need me. I’m a natural for your show, what’s it called?
TREECE: Provisionally, It’s a Madhouse! It may change.
BENNETT:It’s a Madhouse!, yeah. I like that. Anything can happen in the next half hour. Anything.
CHISELHURST: April will show you out, ah, ‘Donger’.
BENNETT: Excellent. I’ll be back. Ka-poww!
* * * *
INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT, NO. 34.
APPLICANT: SHONA MURTAUGH, 24
FOR MYTHWRHN: Tiny Chiselhurst, Dr Vernon Wendel, Myra Lark, April Treece.
WENDEL: So, Shona...
MURTAUGH: [high-pitched giggles]
WENDEL: I beg your pardon?
MURTAUGH: ‘So, Shona’. Sounds funny like that, [high-pitched giggles] Are you all right? Look like you’ve swallowed a lemon, you do.
WENDEL: It’ll pass.
MURTAUGH: [high-pitched giggles]
[noise of glasses and bottles rattling on table]
WENDEL: I beg your pardon.
MURTAUGH: You’re funny, you are. You’ve got to have a laugh, haven’t you, though, [high-pitched giggles]
WENDEL: It’s not actually a physiological necessity, but there may be some psychological explanation.
MURTAUGH: You what? You talk mental, you do. [high-pitched giggles]
CHISELHURST: We were interested in your sexual history. MURTAUGH: [extremely high-pitched giggles] CHISELHURST: Well, Shona, we were. You seem to have been an unusually busy girl.
MURTAUGH: I just like...[high-pitched giggles] WENDEL: We’re not here to judge you.
MURTAUGH: Yes, you are. To see if I’m right for your show.
[noise of bracelets clattering]
WENDEL: Well, of course, in that sense, you’re right.
MURTAUGH: You should watch what you say. People might think you were taking liberties. People might not like that. People might not like that at all, thank you very much indeed. I should cocoa,
[thump on table]
WENDEL: I apologise.
MURTAUGH: So you should, so you should, [high-pitched giggles] I can’t help it. It’s your face. You look like a bearded collie. I think I’ll wet my knickers. I’m mad, me. You must think I’m dreadful. Sorry.
[faint grinding of teeth]
LARK: Others have noted the, ah, resemblance between Dr Wendel and a dog.
MURTAUGH: [high-pitched giggles] I’ll do myself an injury at this rate. You’re a funny mob, aren’t you? Not outright funny like Jim Davidson, but it’s the way you say things, all sly and clever but with hidden meanings. It’s all there, isn’t it? You must have enough cleverness to get to the moon in this room, eh? All to get to the bottom of me. It don’t seem right. I should be trying to get to the bottom of you.
TREECE: You’re not working at the moment.
MURTAUGH: I was sacked from my last place, at the DSS. Went from one side of the counter to the other. Something will come along. It always does. I’m good at getting jobs, not so good at keeping them, [high-pitched giggles] This is like a job interview, isn’t it?
WENDEL: There are similarities. But there are differences.
MURTAUGH: That sounds cryptic, [high-pitched giggles] So, do I get it?
CHISELHURST: You’re shortlisted, certainly.
MURTAUGH: [high-pitched giggles]
CHISELHURST: April will show you out.
MURTAUGH: Ta ta for now.
[noise of leaving]
TREECE: What was that girl on? Laughing gas?
LARK: Every time she went off, I felt it in my fillings. It’s quite extraordinary.
TREECE: All the dogs in the area have gone mad.
CHISELHURST: I think she’s a natural for It’s a Madhouse!.
TREECE: You can’t put Shona on television, Tiny. There’d be bomb threats.
CHISELHURST: Ape, that girl is a star. Her funeral will be bigger than Diana’s.
* * * *
EXTRACT FROM INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT, NO. 41.
APPLICANT: MARTIN LEIGH, 39
FOR MYTHWRHN: Tiny Chiselhurst, Dr Vernon Wendel, Myra Lark, April Treece.
LEIGH: Prison’s not so bad, once you’ve made your mark. You just have to let them know where you are on the totem pole. You pick out some old villain, some big nob from years ago who still thinks he’s got it, and you take him apart. Mark his face, put him in the infirmary, get the boot in. Then you take what was his, make it yours. Earn some respect. You can come out ahead, if you’ve got good currency. Fags and smack, mostly, but you can build an empire on a good source of chocolate.
TREECE: Yo
u have a lot of tattoos.
LEIGH: More than you can see. Turns you on, does it? All the birds like ink. And, inside, some of the fellers. You’d think it’d make a difference, but after a while...Well, one hole’s as good as another.
WENDEL: And so, how long were you a warder?
LEIGH: About five years. After the Paras and the SAS wouldn’t have me, it seemed a decent option. You wouldn’t think the Paras and the SAS would be soft, would you? I’ve had ex-Paras on my block and made them whine and beg. Shows you how much tests and interviews count for anything.
* * * *
EXTRACT FROM INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT, NO. 72.
APPLICANT: ANDREA D’ARBANVILLIERS-HOLMES, 19
FOR MYTHWRHN: Tiny Chiselhurst, Dr Vernon Wendel, Myra Lark, April Treece.
LARK: What are you looking for in a man, Andrea?
D’ARBANVILLIERS-HOLMES: Good shoes are a sign.
LARK: Of what?
D’ARBANVILLIERS-HOLMES: Status, you might call it. There are other giveaways. Like, if he has a good post code but only owns a flat. I mean, if he hasn’t got enough to buy a house by now, things are hardly likely to get better.
LARK: Do you believe in romance?
D’ARBANVILLIERS-HOLMES: Yes, of course. But it’s easy to come by, isn’t it. There are always blokes falling over their willies to get to you. After a while, you have to impose stricter criteria. It’s not money in and of itself, it’s the things that come with it.
LARK: Do you believe in marriage?
D’ARBANVILLIERS-HOLMES: Absolutely. That’s why I’m so careful about who I get married to. And about who I hop into bed with. It can’t be just anybody, you know.
TREECE: Andrea, why do you want to be on television?
D’ARBANVILLIERS-HOLMES: Well, it’s advertising, isn’t it? I hope to make an impression on the right people.
* * * *
EXTRACT FROM INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT, NO. 108.
APPLICANT: DONOVAN WYKE, 27
FOR MYTHWRHN: Tiny Chiselhurst, Dr Vernon Wendel, Myra Lark, April Treece.
WENDEL: I put it to you, Donovan, that you are a habitual fantasist, a chancer who drifts through life dreaming of the big scores but inevitably botches even the petty scams, a bloodsucker who has exploited and betrayed every human connection you have ever made, a man unable to understand even the concepts of honour and fidelity, a compulsive liar with no conscience about wild promises made and broken, a congenital screw-up who is lucky not to have been knifed in an alley or wound up living on the streets begging for spare change to feed your crack habit.
WYKE: Well, I suppose if you were being hardcore about it, but there are explanations.
CHISELHURST: Welcome to It’s a Madhouse!, Donny.
WYKE: You won’t regret this. I can promise you that.
* * * *
EXTRACT FROM INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT, NO. 125.
APPLICANT: PETRA KIDNER, 22
FOR MYTHWRHN: Tiny Chiselhurst, Dr Vernon Wendel, Myra Lark, April Treece.
KIDNER: There’s just something sexy about fire. I feel it in my clit, in my nipples, in the scar tissue on my inner thigh and upper back. I love everything about fire. The smoke, the flames, the heat, the crackle. Every month, I take off my eyebrows. See. The pain is there, a part of it, but very minor. I just like to see things burn.
LARK: Things?
KIDNER: Things, mostly. But there’s nothing like it, you know. The smell, the texture, the taste. Burning flesh. It gets to me. Does that make me weird? I’m not, you know. I like a cup of tea and Eastenders and always send my Mum a box of chocs on Mother’s Day. Some girls love one particular pop group or a particular type of bloke. With me, it’s different. It’s fire.
LARK: So what is your favourite pop song?
KIDNER: [laughs] What else? Jose Feliciano, ‘Come on Baby, Light My Fire’.
* * * *
EXTRACT FROM INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT NO. 128.
APPLICANT: JOSHUA BREW, 22
FOR MYTHWRHN: Tiny Chiselhurst, Dr Vernon Wendel, Myra Lark, April Treece.
CHISELHURST: You complained that we hadn’t responded to your entry form?
BREW: IT’S NOT RIGHT THAT PEOPLE SHOULD BE TREATED THAT WAY.
CHISELHURST: We explained that your form was lost in the post.
BREW: YES, I ACCEPT THAT NOW.
CHISELHURST: But when you phoned the duty officer, you made quite an impression. That’s a distinctive voice you’ve got there.
BREW: WHEN YOU’RE USED TO PREACHING THE WORD OF OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST AT HEATHEN POP FESTIVALS, YOU NEED A BIT OF LUNG POWER. I DO BREATHINGEXERCISES.
CHISELHURST: You’ll forgive me for saying this, but you don’t seem like the normal type of young person we’ve been seeing for this show.
BREW: JUST BECAUSE I’M A CHRISTIAN DOESN’T MEAN I DON’T LIKE A ‘GOOD TIME’ AS MUCH AS THE NEXT YOUTH. I OWN MANY CLIFF RICHARD COMPACT DISCS. I CAN JIVE WITH THE BEST OF THEM. SOME OF OUR CHRISTIAN YOUTH MOVEMENT EVENINGS ARE EVERY BIT AS WILD AS A RAVE. WE PLAY CHARADES AND DRINK CIDER.
TREECE: Kickin’.
BREW: OH YES. BUT MY MAIN INTEREST IS BATTLING THE DEVIL WHEREVER I FIND HISEVIL WORKS. I WON’T TOLERATE SATAN IN ANY OF HIS MANY FORMS. THAT I CAN GUARANTEE.
* * * *
MEMO
From: April Treece, production associate
To: Tiny Chiselhurst, producer/creator
Re:It’s a Madhouse!
Disaster! Donger Bennett, our prize plonker, the man we most want to see on It’s a Madhouse!, has found ‘true lurve’ and wants to back out. Apparently, there’s someone out there blind stupid enough to marry him. One Maxine Evenson, another estate agent. They’ll probably breed! It’s too horrible! We have a contract, we could sue, but that could lead to publicity, which might lead to Derek the Antichrist having us killed. NB: that last bit was a joke! Please advise.
* * * *
MEMO
From: Tiny Chiselhurst, producer/creator
To: April Treece, assistant producer
Re:It’s a Madhouse!
Make an appointment for a house viewing with Miss Evenson, and claim to be Donger’s last fiancée - I know that’s going to be disgusting for you, but maximum Brownie points are involved - with only her best interests at heart. Play her a snippet of the initial interview tape, to wit:
LARK: You’ve never been married?
BENNETT: I’ve been engaged a couple of times, if that’s what it takes to get the cork to pop.
Then present her with the background check dossier we assembled before offering him the contract. You might highlight in pink the more significant sentences. Tell her you had the dossier done when he proposed, like a survey before buying a house. If she’s another bloody estate agent, she’ll understand. If this is handled quickly, the crisis will fizzle. Trust me.
* * * *
MEMO
From: April Treece, co-associate producer
To: Tiny Chiselhurst, producer/creator
Re:It’s a Madhouse!
Maxine Evenson is out of Donger Bennett’s life, lucky girl. On my own initiative, I ordered Claire to call on the Donger for a follow-up interview, which means we owe her hazard pay. While fighting him off and, we trust, not lying back and thinking of television, she let him see suitably cropped and doctored photographs of Andrea Double-Barrel, Miss Giggly and Petra the Pyro. Donger is extremely keen to climb back into the Madhouse. It’s my hope he gets on especially well with Martin ‘Lockdown’ Leigh.
* * * *
PRODUCTION MEETING, NO. 54
PRESENT, for MYTHWRHN PRODUCTIONS: Tiny Chiselhurst (Producer), Phil Bender (Director), Barry Gatlin (Presenter), Constant Drache (Designer), April Treece (Production Assistant), Claire Bates (Researcher), Davinda Paquignet (Researcher).
PRESENT, for CLOUD 9 TELEVISION: Derek Leech (Supremo), Heather Wilding (Executive Expediter), Basil Quilbert (Security).
Dark Terrors 5 - The Gollancz Book of Horror - [Anthology] Page 36