by Carrie Lomax
There was a long beat of silence as the group noticed him standing nearby.
“Hi, Trent. Is there something you need?” she asked evenly.
“You.”
Janelle’s eyes flared, and the smooth line of her jaw tilted upward as she spoke to her companions. “If you’ll excuse me.”
She turned to him with a determinedly placid expression. “Why are you here?”
“Same reason you are.”
“I’m not taking any pitch clients right now. I have my hands full,” she said.
“Good for you. Olivia says you’re forcing her to add staff.”
Janelle smiled, reluctantly, but with pride. “All her own fault. She’s great at identifying which opportunities are a good fit. I just manage the procurement process. It’s not so different from the warehouse, to be honest.”
Her grin faded as quickly as it had come. The tip of her tongue appeared briefly between her lips. “What are you working on these days?”
“A pitch,” he responded, a little grin creeping over his face.
Janie’s pretty face was so expressive, her eyes incapable of hiding the minutest flash of emotion. It was damn sexy. Especially to him. Trent had been dead inside until he’d met her, a fire nearly gone out. She’d poked him and breathed on the coals of his soul, forcing him back to life. Now he read wariness, but he’d counted on Janelle’s curiosity.
“A big pitch?” she asked, as if she couldn’t help herself.
“The biggest of my life.” Trent’s gaze never wavered. Janelle peered up at him, a foot and a half away, a distance too far to bridge.
“Good luck. I’d offer to help, but like I said, I’m booked. Besides, working with you usually ends…badly for me.”
Guilt. It gnawed at his bones. He was ash. Icarus falling from the sky, understanding his folly and his hubris too late, as he fell to earth. It was Trent’s story, tattooed in his flesh. He hadn’t meant to repeat it.
“I should go.” Janie made a show of checking her phone.
“I’ll walk you to your car.”
“Trent…” Janie pushed her hair back.
Here it comes. She’s gotten back together with the ex who can’t fuck her worth a damn.
“It’s not that I don’t want to see you, or talk to you, Trent. It’s just…You were right all along. A clean break is for the best. I apologize for pushing. For trying to make us into something we aren’t.”
She shouldered her bag and clicked away on those high heels he loved. Taking his half-mended heart with her.
Olivia was at his side in an instant. “Didn’t go well?”
Trent shook his head, despondent. “I don’t know what to say. I’m an asshole?”
“That’s a good start. Follow up with an ‘I love you even though I was a jerk’ and it should do the trick.”
“It won’t. This mess is going to take more than a sentence to fix.” Trent rubbed the back of his neck, stymied.
Olivia touched his arm, a friendly gesture. Comforting. One of those small mom-moments she doled out sparingly. “What were her exact words?”
Trent repeated them verbatim.
Olivia frowned. “Why are you standing here? Go after her.”
“She doesn’t want to talk.”
“No, Trent, she doesn’t want to get hurt. You made her feel like you didn’t care about her. If you’re serious about fixing this, go talk to her. You’ve got your work cut out for you. Make it good.”
Another small touch, on his back, and he was in motion.
Janelle had been caught waiting for the elevator. He caught sight of her disappearing inside and headed straight for the stairway, taking them two at a time. The exercise cleared his head.
Trent had pushed Janie away because he thought he couldn’t withstand another loss. It was true. He couldn’t. He needed her back. Now that she’d figured out what she wanted to do with her career, watching her take wing and soar was a thrill. Why couldn’t he have said that in the moment?
Because he’d been terrified her work would take her away from him. His fear had been magnified in the raw aftermath of letting her into his past. She’d pushed, because that’s what she did, but she’d been friendly and even kind with Penny. Whereas he’d been like a guard dog throttling itself on a chain toward her ex. Janie had compared him to a cave man, and it was an apt comparison. He’d behaved like one. No wonder she didn’t welcome him back with open arms. Trent knew he couldn’t force her to change her mind, but somehow, he had to get her to listen.
Trent’s feet pounded on the stairs, leaping the last four and crashing against the metal door. He was a little winded as he caught sight of Janie’s heels flashing out the sliding doors to the parking garage. Trent’s feet slowed. He stopped. The glass doors closed behind Janelle.
What if she listened, and said no?
* * *
“Oh, my god.”
That was fast.
Usually it took Crystal longer than five minutes to get anywhere near climax—a fact Janelle could’ve lived in peace without ever knowing. Moving in with Crystal had meant a hearing a regular loop of Trent and Penny’s stupid sex tape. Good thing this arrangement was only for the summer. Janelle was so ready for a long-term lease.
No more temporary rentals, she promised herself.
“Janelle! Come here. You have to see this.”
“Are you wearing clothes?” she shouted through the wall.
“Hold on. Okay. Come in.”
Janelle pushed open her roommate’s bedroom door. The laptop was hooked up to a larger screen. Featured prominently was Trent’s naked ass, covered by the credits to his sex tape with Penny.
“I’ve seen it before, Crys.” Janelle turned around, though her heart rate picked up at the sight of Trent’s perfect body. Misadventure though it had proved to be, she had zero regrets about the sex.
“Don’t go. I know you think it’s weird I watch your ex’s porn tape all the time, and maybe it is, but his dick is fucking godlike. I can’t believe you got to ride that for months. But that’s not why I called you in here.”
Crystal had to click several times to get the video going again. The sound of Trent’s voice was equal parts pain and longing for Janelle. She loved him. He didn’t love her. These things happened every day. It wasn’t a tragedy. A hollow ache filled her chest whenever she was reminded of him. Yet she stayed and listened.
“Eight years ago, I made this video. It was never meant to be seen publicly. Since you’re watching it, I hope you’ve enjoyed it, because your prurient interest supports the woman who starred in it, Bad Penny. But for me, this has been a tough past to shake.”
Janelle opened her eyes. Instead of Trent’s godlike cock plowing into a very happy Penny, the image was frozen in the background. Present-day Trent, fully clothed in a t-shirt and jeans, spoke directly to the camera.
“I thought this tape meant I could never have the woman I’d dreamed about. A woman who’s ambitious and intelligent, forgiving and generous. A woman like you, who’d want a family. I tried to protect this woman from myself, but all I did was hurt her. I once asked her, what if there’s no good or bad, only the things we desire and dare to ask for?”
He looked down. “I’m asking you for another chance. I don’t want a clean break. I want you to call me. You know who you are, and you know where to find me. I’m waiting for you. I love you. The rest of you…enjoy the show.”
Stunned, Janelle collapsed onto the edge of Crystal’s bed. If her mind hadn’t been blown all to pieces, she’d have wondered how recently the bedspread had been washed.
“You’ve got to see the comments. ‘Mason I’ll marry you and have your baby.’ A zillion phone numbers. A whole bunch of topless photos, and those are only the first page.” Crystal scrolled gleefully down.
“Did you know about this?”
“I had an inkling.”
“You didn’t say anything.”
Crystal shot her a glare over her shoulder. “
Of course I didn’t. I’d hoped Trent’s godlike dick would find me an acceptable substitute, but it wasn’t happening. And you didn’t get back together with Ben, either.”
Janelle released a shuddering sigh. “What the hell am I supposed to about this?”
Crystal handed over her unlocked phone. “Pick up the phone and call him, dummy.”
Janelle’s face reflected back at her. Black mirror. She tossed it onto the bedspread. “I can’t.”
Her friend shifted her weight until her legs dangled over the edge of the bed. Crystal sank to her knees, her oversized t-shirt hiked up around her thighs. She placed one hand on Janelle’s forehead.
“No fever. Are you insane?”
Janelle swatted away her hand. “Crys. Trent’s cut and run on me three times.”
“Three times?” Crystal’s hand dropped to meet the other one on Janelle’s knee.
“We met in Las Vegas, after the horror show that was my sugar daddy experience.”
Crystal winced. “I never thought you, of all people, would go for it. I mean, I knew you were curious enough to email me about it, but I figured you’d finally decided to stop mooning over Ben. I’d have warned you away from it if I’d thought you were serious.”
Janelle examined her nails. There was a chip on her right index fingernail. Easily fixed. “It probably wouldn’t have changed anything. I was determined to make an ass out of myself.”
“But it led you to Trent. Why didn’t you two stay together after Las Vegas?”
“He told me it was best if we made a clean break, because he could never give me what I wanted.”
“What did he think you wanted?”
“Respectability. The kind of life Ben would’ve given me. Quiet. Unambitious. Happy and settled. It’s what I said I wanted, but it’s not true. Not anymore. Maybe it never was.”
Crystal’s voice was soft with compassion. “I always thought you tried to be something you weren’t to be with him. Honestly, I didn’t always like you in college, but you’re different now.”
“What does that mean?” Janelle demanded. Curiosity softened her outrage.
Crystal exmined her nails. “You’re more authentic now. Before, it was like you tried to be someone you weren’t because Ben likes a certain kind of girl. He’s got a boner for the princess type, and it was never you no matter how hard you pretended it was. Which is why I ask, what do you want, now?”
Janelle swallowed. “I want to crush this consulting business. I want to make millions or die trying. I love it, even the crazy, boring parts. The thrill of the chase gets me thinking in a thousand new ways. I love hunting new business.”
“Then go do it, and don’t fuck around with Trent. He’s not going to be lonely.” Crystal flicked her hair over her shoulder.
Janelle flopped backward onto the bed, too mixed-up to care about hygiene. “I still want a family, and a house in the suburbs and a dog. I want that with Trent. But he told me outright that he doesn’t want a wife with a career. He gets both. It’s not right to ask me to choose between the two. Like Ben did, if I’m being honest.”
“Hey. Janie. You’re overthinking it. Trent’s looking for a girlfriend, not offering a ring on bended knee.” Crystal patted her leg and headed for the bathroom. “I’m going to go finish what I was planning to do before Trent’s surprise announcement. I plan to use up all the hot water. Go call your man. Tell him what you just told me. Don’t go easy on him.”
Janelle retreated to her own room, hands shaking as she picked up her phone. She set it face down on the desk.
Later. She’d call after her work was done. Maybe. Just because he’d decided to stop running from his past didn’t mean he saw a future for them. It made more sense to give Trent what he’d wanted from the start: a clean break.
19
Janelle wore her favorite lace shirt to the office the next day. This time, she paired it with a sheer lining to keep it safe for work, and ankle-length silk trousers with flats for easy commuting. It still felt edgy and fun to wear fashionable clothing at the office, after years of dressing in shapeless tops to avoid too much attention—not that her strategy had worked.
Working as a consultant gave her a certain degree of latitude. Her contract was up in two weeks. Olivia wasn’t going to fire her for mildly risqué fashion.
She was, however, about to make an announcement. All thirty-five employees were gathered in a conference room with the company logo that Janelle had had redesigned by Alyssa spinning on an animated loop. A few were in wheelchairs, and when she looked carefully Janelle spotted several more with missing limbs.
And then there was Trent, dressed in a crisp button-down shirt that defied sweaty July-in-Virginia weather, and freshly shaved. On the rare moments when their gazes brushed, she jerked away, willing the warm zing of longing away.
Not calling Trent had been the right thing to do. She wasn’t ignoring him. He’d made a plea to everyone who watched his porn video. Not to her. He hadn’t wanted to move in together, after they’d already been living together for two months. What more did she need to know?
She’d said I love you, repeatedly, and all she’d gotten in response was a shrug. Or a kiss and spectacular sex, which was no small consolation prize. Still, she was holding out for more. If it took another three years to mend this heartbreak, so be it.
At the front of the room, Olivia clapped her hands. The room hushed. “Team. Welcome and thank you for joining us over the lunch hour. Food is waiting for us in the hallway as soon as I finish speaking, so I’ll talk fast. You’ve all been working hard these past few months, thanks to Janelle Carlisle’s outstanding work in business development. She’s knocked it out of the park and we’re feeling it. So today, I’m making your jobs easier.”
A whoop and applause. “Some of you know Mace, owner at TMS, our partner for more complex security projects. As of today, he is out of a job. I’ve acquired TMS and his team of five talented developers and project managers.” The screen behind her flicked to headshots of Priya, Chaitu, and the rest of the TMS employees. “Let’s give them a warm welcome. You’ll also see Mace from time to time, because he’ll be consulting on high-level projects. Any questions?” Olivia paused for effect. The only response was more clapping. “Great. We’ll start with a celebratory toast, and then let’s eat!”
The team began pouring prosecco and non-alcoholic cider into clear plastic cups. Janelle’s fingertips wrapped around the cool fake crystal to raise it, but she didn’t drink. Watching Trent put a lump in her throat she could hardly breathe around, much less swallow.
He shook a few hands and came to lean against the counter next to her. Janelle inhaled. The familiar odor of his soap set off a bomb of longing in her chest. Her eyes went hot and itchy, and her chest squeezed tight.
“Why’d you sell?” Janelle kept her words succinct to prevent her voice from cracking.
Trent glanced sideways, and she dropped her gaze, unable to meet his. Two short, calming breaths helped. A little. For a moment.
“I never wanted to run a business. Managing people, growth strategies, that’s all Olivia’s skill set. I’ve decided to specialize. Olivia will run the business, and I’ll focus on security consulting for high-end clients, like the New York job. It frees me up to pursue what I really want.”
“Which is what, Trent?” Janelle’s heart beat like it was going to explode. The wine shook, so she set it down, untouched.
“You, Janie.”
She swallowed at last, trying to keep her emotions in check before they erupted all over Olivia’s party. Straightening, Janelle turned on her heel and headed for her desk. “You have a weird way of showing it, Trent.”
She grabbed her bag off her chair and strode toward the stairwell. The door flew open so fast behind her that it nearly whacked her heel. Janelle’s heart pumped in her throat.
He’s coming for you.
She didn’t know whether to be angry or happy. If he didn’t back off, Trent was going to ge
t the brunt of all her loneliness, all her sadness, all her fear and hope from the past few weeks in one unfiltered gush. Janelle picked up the pace, hating herself for running away. Hating him for not listening when she’d still had enough control to talk about how she felt without yelling.
Great. They were going to have this fight in the middle of her office. Since they were clearly going to have it out, the best course of action was to get as far away from her colleagues as possible, before she couldn’t hold back anymore.
“Did you get my message?” he demanded.
“Which one?” Walking helped release some of the tension electrifying her body. She strode past the elevators and headed for the stairway. Trent had no trouble keeping pace.
“Any of them.”
“All of them. I got all of them, okay?”
“You saw the video?”
“Yes. That one too.” Janelle leapt down the last two steps and landed with a skid. Her teeth snapped shut on impact. “Crystal made sure of it. Which I bet you knew she’d do.”
“It was the only way I could get to you. I wish I hadn’t made it—”
Janelle stopped on the landing. Trent bumped into her raised fist. Extending one finger, she poked him in the chest. “I have never cared about the damn video. It’s permanent advertising for your godlike dick. The video is all your hang up, not mine.”
“Godlike dick, huh?” A smirk crooked up the corner of his mouth.
Janelle deliberately tamed her hand before she smacked him. He knew exactly how to push her natural inclination for drama to the limits. If it weren’t for Trent, she might never have learned how to leash it.
“Crystal’s words, not mine. She’s your biggest fan. You know how many times I’ve had to hear it through the walls this summer?”
“Glad my advertising worked on you.” Trent’s cockiness grated against her one remaining nerve.
Janelle glared. “Congratulations. Now go find a fresh victim. Crystal’s extremely interested, in case you hadn’t noticed.”