Take A Look At Me Now

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Take A Look At Me Now Page 22

by Miranda Dickinson


  ‘Please don’t.’ I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to stand there while he tried to dig himself out of this. Max had lied to me twice already: I couldn’t trust him again. ‘I just have one question.’

  He was breathing heavily, his grey eyes wide and full of regret. ‘Ask me anything and I’ll tell you the truth.’

  ‘Eva’s mother – do you love her?’

  He appeared to be stunned by the question, staring at me for a moment before he replied. ‘Shanti is the mother of my kid – of course I love her …’

  That was all I needed to hear. Whatever I thought was happening with Max Rossi ended now. Without replying, I turned and hurried back inside.

  I knew he was following me but I didn’t look back. Pushing the door into the hall I walked up to Lizzie and Eva, my emotions held at bay by the finest of threads.

  ‘Give me a hug, you.’ I knelt down and hugged Eva for the last time. Stroking her face I willed my tears to hold back until she had gone. ‘I’ll keep asking Lizzie how you’re getting on,’ I promised. ‘I’m so glad to have met you.’

  ‘Will you do something for me when you get back to England?’ she asked.

  I could see Max moving through the parents towards us. I didn’t want to curtail my time with Eva but I couldn’t face another showdown. ‘Of course I will, darling. What do you want me to do?’

  Eva’s mournful expression was almost too much to bear. ‘Will you feed the birds? Like the bird lady does?’

  ‘Yes, I will.’

  She frowned. ‘Promise?’

  ‘I promise.’ I stood as Max reached us. ‘And now you’d better go with your dad. Goodbye, Eva.’

  ‘Bye, Mary Poppins.’

  I had to look away as they left, aware of my cousin’s concerned expression in my peripheral vision.

  ‘Nell – I’m so, so sorry. I had no idea …’

  ‘Can we just go, please?’

  Lizzie nodded. ‘Of course we can. Let’s get our stuff.’

  Poppy, Miguel, Sam and Astrid took my tears as parting sadness, patting my back and wishing me well as Lizzie led me quickly out of the school hall. Instead of waiting for the Muni bus she flagged down a taxi, which sped us back to The Haight.

  I remember very little about the journey – I was too hurt, angry and upset to be aware of anything else. Lizzie helped me up the stairs and into her apartment, leaving me dazed and completely numb on the sofa as she hurried into the kitchen to make a pot of tea. I closed my eyes and rested my head against the back of the sofa.

  Lizzie’s hand on my shoulder made me look up. ‘Nell honey, I’ve brought you tea – I know that’s really lame but I had to do something.’

  I accepted the mug. ‘Thanks.’

  My cousin sat next to me. ‘I don’t know what to say. I’ve worked with Eva and Shanti for three years but I honestly had no idea Max was her father. He’s never visited before. It’s only ever been Shanti or her mother. Oh Nell, if I’d realised …’

  ‘It’s OK. You couldn’t have known. I just can’t believe he lied to me about something so important.’

  Lizzie squeezed my shoulder. ‘He didn’t lie to you exactly. I know it feels like he did, but having a child – it can be a difficult thing to talk about at the start of a relationship. I know a lot of the S-O-S Club parents have said that to me …’

  ‘He said he loves Shanti.’

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘Precisely.’ I nodded. ‘So that’s it.’

  ‘What about your date with him tonight?’

  I gave a hollow laugh. ‘I think my “date” might be busy looking after his daughter because his partner’s mother is in hospital.’

  Lizzie observed me for a while, selecting her words with great care. ‘Nell, I’m so sorry. And it’s your last night, too. Life has really awful timing sometimes.’

  My whole body ached. I was angry that I’d wasted so much of my precious San Francisco time on someone it turned out I didn’t know at all.

  ‘Let’s stay in tonight, Liz – just me and you. We haven’t spent enough time together recently and tomorrow I’m going home. Let’s order pizza and talk rubbish and remember the embarrassing things we used to get up to as kids. And let’s not talk any more about Max. That holiday fling is officially over.’

  Lizzie’s smile was strangely sad. ‘Of course we can stay in. We’ll make your last night a great one.’

  From: [email protected]

  To: [email protected]

  Subject: I’m coming home

  Hey Vix

  It’s my last night in San Francisco. My eight weeks are done and I fly home tomorrow. It seems like a long time since I left and I’m looking forward to seeing you. I’m going to bore you to death with photos, I hope you know, so brace yourself.

  I’ll be sad to leave this place, especially The Haight. My emotions are all over the place and I’m really torn about coming home. I can’t go into details yet, but Max isn’t in the picture anymore. I’ll explain when I get back but something happened today that ended it and that’s all I’m going to say. I’m fine, just feeling a bit of a fool for thinking it could be something more than it was.

  My plane arrives back at Heathrow in the early hours of Saturday morning. I’ll probably need a couple of days to get over the jetlag but I’ll call you as soon as I can.

  I’m going to spend my last night with Lizzie and a large pizza. I’ll miss her so much! We’re watching a Ryan Gosling film in your honour. (Lizzie’s a bit of a fan too.)

  Don’t worry about replying. By the time you get to read this I’ll probably be thirty-seven thousand feet above the Atlantic heading home. I’ll see you soon!

  Love ya

  Nell xxx

  ‘Email sent?’ Lizzie asked as I rejoined her in the living room.

  ‘Yep. Last one. In a couple of days I’ll be chatting with Vix and emailing you.’ Emotion gripped my throat. ‘I’m really going to miss you.’

  Lizzie hugged me. ‘Oh gosh, don’t start that or you’ll set me off again. I’ll miss you too. But we’ll email and call. And I’m planning to come back in December for Christmas so I’ll see you then.’

  On this late June evening, December seemed an awfully long way off. ‘You make sure you do.’

  ‘Just think, you might even be running your own diner by then!’

  My cousin’s faith in me was touching, even if fatally unrealistic. ‘Maybe.’

  ‘Oh, that reminds me – Annie said she might drop in this evening to say goodbye. She called while you were emailing Vicky. I think she’s going to miss having an intern.’

  After a pizza that defeated both our valiant attempts to vanquish it, Lizzie opened a bottle of red wine. Just as we were getting into The Ides of March, the door entry intercom buzzed and a minute later, Lizzie welcomed Annie in.

  ‘I hope you’ll forgive the intrusion,’ she said, nodding at the TV. ‘I couldn’t say everything I wanted to at the diner this morning. I wanted to thank you for all your hard work and make sure you know I’m only a phone call away.’

  ‘Glass of wine?’ Lizzie offered.

  ‘I won’t say no. So, what are your plans when you’re home, Nell?’

  ‘I’m not sure. I’m going to look into starting my own business, maybe take a business course or just test the waters and see what might be possible. Thank you so much for letting me be a part of your business. It’s been a real privilege.’

  Annie clinked her wine glass against mine. ‘Mutual, kid. You’re a natural. Place won’t be the same without you.’

  ‘That’s very kind, but all I did was …’

  ‘No. I mean it. Watching you has made me remember all that passion I had for the business when I started out.’ She took a long, slow sip of wine. ‘Gave me some perspective and I appreciate that. So, when do you fly?’

  ‘Tomorrow morning at eleven,’ I replied. ‘I’m not looking forward to leaving to be honest with you.’

  ‘Maybe you’ll come back for a
visit,’ Lizzie offered. ‘You know you’re always welcome. And everything will be waiting here for you, just as you remember it – apart from …’

  I lifted my hand to stop her before she started to worry about what she had said. ‘I know.’

  ‘Apart from Annie’s.’

  Lizzie and I stared at Annie. ‘Sorry?’

  Annie shrugged. ‘Like I said, I’ve gotten perspective lately. I love my work, but it’s work for a young woman. I’m sixty-two years old, I’ve been working my whole life in that place. And I think now it’s time for a change.’

  I looked at Lizzie and back at Annie. She couldn’t be serious, could she? Annie Legado was her diner. She was the lifeblood of the place.

  ‘What kind of change?’ Lizzie asked.

  ‘Maybe I’ll sell.’

  Sell … The word hung ominously in the air between us.

  ‘But what about your customers?’ Lizzie asked. ‘Where will they go?’

  Annie chuckled. ‘They’ll find somewhere. When I first started there was one diner between here and Alamo Square. Today every corner has somewhere to eat. It’s a young person’s game now and everybody thinks they want a slice of the pie – present company excepted, naturally. My sister’s boy Mario has been keen to buy the place for years now. I think maybe it’s time.’

  This was hard to take in, but the peace in Annie’s expression made me remember that this was her decision, not ours. ‘And what will you do, Annie?’

  ‘I’ll begin by getting up at eight a.m. instead of four. Maybe I’ll read a paper, maybe I’ll stroll along Haight Street to get a cup of coffee from Ced. I might take a vacation. And then, who knows?’ She stared at the dwindling liquid in her glass. ‘I want to enjoy my life before I’m too old. You made me realise that, kid. I see the passion in you, that determination to make the most of your life. You’ll succeed because you want it so much. This time I want to succeed at something new.’

  ‘Wow. I can’t imagine The Haight without you,’ Lizzie said.

  Annie gave a throaty laugh and held out her glass for more wine. ‘Relax, kid, it’s not like I’m dying. It’ll be months before anything happens, trust me. My family’s love of litigation means Mario will want every detail checked before he agrees to anything. It just gives me time to plan. And I won’t be leaving The Haight. I grew up here, this is my home. Hey, maybe I’ll finally get around to those piano lessons we talked about.’

  ‘I’d love to teach you.’

  ‘Maybe you will. Although I should warn you I’m not the easiest student.’ She smiled at us both. ‘Lose the long faces, please! Now remember, Nell, I want to hear everything you do when you get home. I think the future has a lot of good things for both of us.’

  When Annie had gone, Lizzie and I sat silently, taking it in. And I realised something: that all this week I had been expecting the city to remain as I’d experienced it, unchanging, frozen in time to make me feel better about leaving it. But San Francisco was a city that needed to change, evolve, move on – and my selfish need for nostalgia couldn’t prevent it. And I’d changed. I’d rediscovered my dream and was leaving the city determined to make it happen – however long it took.

  A loud buzz from the door intercom startled both of us and Lizzie went to answer it.

  ‘Hello?’

  A too-familiar voice crackled through the intercom speaker. ‘Lizzie, it’s Max. I need to talk to Nell.’

  Lizzie turned to me but I was shaking my head violently. ‘I don’t think that’s a good idea, Max. She’s very upset.’

  A sigh cut through the static. ‘I know she’s hurt. I know I’m to blame. But if she could just listen I can explain it all …’

  I didn’t want to hear anything more from him. Even the sound of his voice tore at my heart. Slowly, fighting tears that threatened to overwhelm me, I stood and walked over to Lizzie’s side. Confused, she stepped back as I pressed my finger to the intercom speaker button.

  ‘Max …’

  ‘Nell …’ I could hear the hope in his voice and I hated it.

  ‘I don’t want to see you again.’

  ‘Please, Nell – please come down and talk to me.’

  ‘There’s no point, Max. Go home.’

  ‘Not until I see you.’

  Lizzie touched my arm. ‘I’ll go down and speak to him.’ Without waiting for my reply, she went out of the door.

  I stared at the intercom, my hand hovering over the button. There were so many things I wanted to say, so many answers I needed. But I was tired, bruised and desperate to hold on to my few remaining hours in San Francisco. Max didn’t deserve to demand anything. He had lied to me and that cancelled everything that had gone before it. I didn’t want to spend my final hours in the city that had claimed my heart engaging in a pointless battle with a man who had no right to it. Heart decimated, my hand dropped away from the intercom and I let go of my final chance to speak to Max Rossi.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  Time to go home

  All too soon, morning arrived. I’d slept in fits and starts, the crushing remembrance of Max and the nearness of my impending departure tumbling upon me, moments after waking. I had been so confident of what lay ahead of me but now as I prepared to leave the reality scared me. I was going home to no money, no job and the unresolved mess with Aidan – how was I going to deal with it all? Even the dream of my own business now loomed up like a towering mountain. There was so much to do and I didn’t feel ready to tackle any of it. After discovering such certainty during the last eight weeks, the uncertainty of the future seemed too much to deal with.

  Lizzie made breakfast while I packed, but neither of us were hungry.

  ‘It didn’t occur to me how hard this was going to be,’ she said, tears falling as she reached for the Kleenex box. ‘I think I should bring this – we’re both going to need it!’

  There were tears in my eyes too – for more than one reason. ‘Look at us: we’re pathetic. We’ll see each other again in a couple of months.’

  ‘We will. Of course we will.’

  I gazed around the familiar surroundings of my San Francisco home. ‘I just don’t want to leave.’

  ‘I don’t want you to go either. But you have the next great chapter of your life about to start, Nell Sullivan. And I’m going to be cheering you with every new page you write.’

  The Departures hall of Terminal 2 at San Francisco International airport was far more impressive than the Arrivals gate had been. A multi-arched steel framed ceiling studded with a line of purple glass arced overhead, row upon row of deserted grey check-in desks standing sentry-like beneath. Now that I was wheeling my suitcase back across the glossy tiled floor it seemed no time since I’d arrived. From the large window I could see the blue hills in the distance, willing me to return to Haight and Lizzie and everything that had been part of my life.

  Lizzie’s eyes were puffed red as I checked in my suitcase.

  ‘Do you have everything you need for your flight?’

  ‘I think so. Except for you and the whole of San Francisco.’

  My cousin gave a loud sob and buried her face in a new tissue from the box in her bag. ‘I’m sorry, Nell. I’m such a wuss.’ She sniffed and grinned through her tears. ‘You’ll let me know when you’re home safely, won’t you?’

  ‘Of course I will. I’ve had the best time, Liz. Honestly, everything about this trip has been amazing.’

  ‘Even Max?’

  It hurt to hear his name. ‘Even that. I wouldn’t have chosen the way it ended but I thought about it a lot last night and I think it’s a good thing it did.’

  Lizzie wasn’t convinced. ‘You do?’

  ‘Yes,’ I replied firmly. ‘Look at it realistically, what chance did we have? I think I got carried away with the romance of being far from home. I’m glad I didn’t tell him I loved him because now I’m wondering if I did. It was good for what it was – a holiday fling. But now I know he lied to me – well, that will stop me feeling like I’v
e left him behind.’

  Lizzie hugged me. ‘Right. I’m going to go before I flood the place.’

  ‘Probably a good idea. Thank you – for everything.’

  ‘You know you’re always welcome back, Nell. And I’ll call you next week, OK?’

  With over two hours until my flight was due to depart I browsed the stores, trying to keep my mind occupied. I bought a book for the journey although I felt so wrung out I suspected I might just sleep most of the way home. A rack of postcards caused my heart to contract: bright sunny views of the city I’d fallen in love with. In the middle of the rack was a photo of Haight-Ashbury, taken a few feet away from Annie’s. Feeling like I was staring at a picture of home, I bought it and a beautiful image of the Golden Gate Bridge with the Marin County Hills behind, tucking them safely into the pages of my book.

  When the time finally came for me to board my flight I took one last look through the wide window by the flight gate out at the blue hills sparkling in the sun beyond the airport tarmac. The next time I was on the ground would be five thousand miles away …

  Now that I was on my way home, I wanted to focus on what lay ahead. I was looking forward to seeing Vicky again, especially as our frequent email exchanges had made her very much a part of everything I had experienced during the last eight weeks. And I had Annie’s notebook full of ideas, advice, sketches and to-do lists to consider. I was returning home determined to pursue my dream – and I had San Francisco to thank for it.

  Ten and a half hours later, at Paris Charles de Gaulle airport, I received a text message that brought a smile despite my weariness:

  Looking forward to seeing you Nelliegirl! Call us from Paris – don’t worry about the time. Lots of love Dad xx

  I quickly called home.

  ‘Hello, weary traveller!’ Dad exclaimed, and tears filled my eyes at the familiarity of his voice. ‘What time do you get in?’

  ‘My flight arrives at Heathrow at five thirty. I’ll catch the tube home.’

  ‘Nonsense, we’re coming to get you. Your mum’s just warming up the Volvo.’

  I smiled into my mobile. ‘That would be lovely.’

 

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