“What do you want?” I asked tiredly, not even trying to conceal my terror. For a long moment there was no answer, just the sound of his ragged breathing. Every time I tried to move his breathing stopped, as if he was anticipating my disobedience.
“You do not want to do that,” He said, finally breaking the silence.
“I’m not going to turn around,” I defended awkwardly trying to stay as still as possible.
“Not that Isaac. I meant the journal.” I heard him take a step closer, “You really don’t want to pick that up.” He took another step closer and put his hand on my shoulder. My muscles tightened and my already dehydrated mouth went dry.
“But… I have to know.” I felt uncouth and tiny, like a pitiful child. His grip on my shoulder tightened.
“You think you want to remember,” He sighed then continued, “But sometimes the truth isn’t worth the trouble.” His voice sounded sad and weary.
This time I was the one who sighed. I looked up to the ceiling and its low-wattage yellow light. The fan was lazily spinning and loosely rocking about. “I don’t want to know, I need to know.”
He chuckled that deep velvet laughter and his hand dropped to his side. “I’ve warned you over and over and over again.” He kicked angrily at what sounded like a trashcan. “I asked you to question yourself and your memories.” He came behind me again, each footstep echoing around the room and then replaced his hand on my shoulder. I just stared at a poster on the wall, trying not to scream. “I even stooped so low as to try and terrorize you, to scare you out of here and away from the answers you want so badly.” He squeezed my shoulder, harder than last time and put his face next to mine. His breath was hot on my ear.
“You wouldn’t understand, you don’t even know who I am!” I all but whimpered out, trying sound bigger than I was.
He chuckled in my ear, “You’ve got it all wrong Isaac. I know you better than anyone else.” Squeezing my shoulders, I winced from the aching pressure. “And the reason I know, is because I am you.”
My stomach dropped and I turned around unhurriedly. No one was behind me. The room was as empty and quiet as it had always been. I leered at the trash can, it was lying on its side. “I really am going mad, aren’t I?” I questioned myself. Moving over to the notebook, I stared at it defiantly. Something deep inside my soul told me it was alive, that it wasn’t normal. I bent down, about to pick it up when pale hands grabbed my forearms. My head jerked up and I saw that pale double, that pallid demon staring me down with his cold, piercing eyes. He looked angry and his grip was unrelenting. I felt suddenly cold and empty. “This is my last warning, you pitiful child!” He said without moving his lips. “You really don’t want to know the ending to this story. You won’t survive its climax.” He said again, lips unmoving. I tugged my body to the side, breaking free from his grip and in the blink of an eye, he was gone.
I don’t care what that bastard said, he didn’t faze me in the least. He has been torturing my whole life and out of nowhere he tries to stop me? Lies, it’s nothing but lies with him and without them he dies. I grabbed the journal, opened it cautiously and began to read. My entire body became warm as I waited for that lasso to yank me into the past. But I looked down at the journal and it began to melt. It was dripping down my arms and within a millisecond it jolted to life. I let out a small whimper as it twisted and crawled up my arms and around my body. At first it tightened around my arms, constricting my movements. My eyes darted around the room, panic-stricken as its grip grew tighter and tighter. Was he right? Did I make the wrong choice? I couldn’t breathe, I didn’t know what to do. “All I want to know is the truth!” I started to scream. “The truth! The truth! The truth!” I screamed over and over again until my voice went hoarse. I opened my mouth to yell again and the inky, black goo wrapped tighter around my body and the forced its way into my mouth. I gagged and retched as I felt it fill my throat and crawl into my stomach. My world went black. I was blind and trapped in darkness. Choking, trying to breathe, this tar-like creature crushed my body and filled my every orifice. I was losing consciousness. This was the end. I was fading away into that whirlwind of screaming men, woman and children. My body relaxed as I dwindled into nothingness. I gave up and stopped fighting, just letting it all fade away.
Journal Entry Twenty Five
With a gasp of air, I awoke. My lungs burned with oxygen and my heart raced with life. I was on my feet, standing in the lobby right at the front door. There were two shadows behind the glass that was inset in the egress. The doorbell was ringing, echoing off the walls of the dimly lit entryway. My brain finally caught with me as I mindlessly stared at my surroundings, jaw hanging open. I was in the past again, right where I left off before the journal had flung me back into my room. My hand was on the doorknob, the bells were chiming and Molly waiting for me, anticipating my over-exuberant greetings. I quickly opened the door and standing there was my beautiful, green eyed smiling Molly. Without hesitating I hugged her, teary eyed and overwhelmed by the sight of her. “Hi Isaac!” She said gently, patting me on the back. “It’s good to see you too.” She continued as I looked up to see a dark skinned man smiling back at me, his teeth impossibly white.
I took a step back, surprised by this mystery guest. Molly smiled widely and stood by his side. She straightened out her pretty blue sundress and looked up at me happily, “Zac, this is Davis. We met in Brazil about six months ago.” He reached out to shake my hand yet I was so confused. I politely shook his strangely smooth hand and welcomed him. “I’ve heard so much about you. I’m glad I can finally put a face to the name,” He said with a slight accent.
“Pl-please come in,” I stuttered, stepping to the side. Davis walked in and complimented me on my beautiful house.
I looked at Molly confused. “I’ll explain once we meet up with the others,” She said, her cheeks were blushed and she seemed to almost skip as I led them to the party.
Before we even got into the kitchen I could hear Senter laughing drunkenly. I could smell a mixture of cigarette smoke and weed. “Your friends know how to party,” Davis said playfully. I smiled half-haphazardly and walked into the kitchen.
“Here’s the guest of honor!” Senter shouted with a slur before coughing harshly and passed a blunt to Hanna.
Molly smirked, looked at Senter and said, “Well, it looks like you didn’t waste any time getting the party started without me!”
The whole room burst into laughter. “Wow! It didn’t take you guys long to find the party favors,” I joked, grabbing the joint from Hanna. Taking a long drag, I held it in for a few moments before coughing out a cloud of smoke. My throat felt singed and I winced at the pain.
“That is some sinister pot Isaac. Where did you get it from?” Asked Vince beaming widely, his booming voice carrying for miles.
“If I tell you, are you going to arrest me?” I countered jokingly trying to change the subject. So distracted by Davis, I could barely focus on the pointless banter of the murmuring party.
“No worries Zac, I’m not a cop anymore! I won’t bust you!” He said loudly, pulling Rosanna close and hugged her. She smiled happily and kissed his cheek.
“That’s what they all say, Vince,” I teased and everyone giggled. Molly made her rounds saying 'hi' to old friends and introducing Davis.
“Wow, the last time I saw you two, you were barely old enough to drink,” Molly said greeting Josie and Hanna. Giggling, they all hugged and complimented each other’s dresses. Davis wandered off to get him and Molly a drink. He ended up getting cornered by Senter who was practically in awe of the guy. Still I was so befuddled by Davis. I couldn’t tell if Molly and Davis were dating or just friends. They didn’t seem to hug or touch but I couldn’t believe they were a couple. I was taken-a-back and baffled but I refused to let it get to me. There were still had hopes for her big announcement, so I chose to stay hopeful.
Everyone seemed to love Davis and his wild, funny, exciting stories. Everyone but me. To m
e, he was a phony and a fake. I didn’t know if it was the alcohol, the pot or my petty jealousy but I didn’t like him. And Molly was so happy. She was gleeful to see her old friends and exuberant to see Davis getting along with them all. She walked over to me, high on the excitement of the night and hugged me. “Thanks for this Isaac. It means a lot to me,” She kissed me on the cheek and my heart raced. I knew she was going to tell me her big surprise soon, I could feel it. My heart was thumping in my chest and excitement was coursing through my veins.
She grasped my arm and pulled me into the hallway. Looking lovingly into my eyes, she broke my heart. “I’m so glad you met Davis. He is such a great guy-” That sentence made my heart sink yet she definitely wasn’t finished yet. “Izzy, Davis proposed to me a few weeks ago. He got a job here in America and we’re getting married!” She hopped up and down, then hugged me violently. I was so glad she couldn’t see my face while I was in her arms. “I know it’s a bit fast and I know everyone will probably think he’s just marrying me to get a green card but I don’t care!” She said after she finished hugging me. Her face was red from excitement. “I wanted to tell you first because I wouldn’t have even met him if it wasn’t for you supporting my all of my trips.” I hugged her gently and lethargically trying to keep it together. Time almost stopped for me. Everything was happening so fast but my world was slowly shattering to pieces. I watched her walk into the kitchen and stand by Davis. Not too long after that moment, she gathered everyone together and made her big announcement public. I had to hear her say it again but it was worse the second time around. Everyone was clapping and cheering. She was getting hugged and kissed. Then as Davis smiled brightly, everyone did the same to him.
I knew it had been too good to be true. Still I wanted to be with her so badly. I’ve always wanted to be with her and it wasn’t fair. Davis was a great guy? Wasn’t I a great guy? Didn’t I give her the money to travel, to chase her dreams? Wasn’t I the one who got her through college? None of this was fair at all. I could see why I erased this memory, why I had been protecting myself for all these years. This was just as bad as when she gave me the friend-zone speech all those years ago. Still I shrugged off my heartbreak, looked Molly in the eyes and told her I was happy for her. She hugged me and when I turned around to lick my wounds the tiny, loud party blurred around me.
Journal Entry Twenty Six
Light seemed to stream past me, it was dizzying. I heard laughter and playful yelling, even the splash of water. The craziness around me subsided and suddenly I was sitting by the pool. I looked around the scene, to patio and statue garden. Hours had seemingly passed by in an instant. Everyone was drunk and high, including me. As I sat in melancholy with my naked feet in the pool, I watched everyone party happily. Davis and Molly were flirting obnoxiously in the statue garden. Hanna, Josie, Vince, Rosanna, Amy and James were all playing or lounging in the pool. The only person missing was Senter. He got a little too drunk, a little too high too and passed out in the living room. Though he was always a competitive drinker, in the end he always loses.
Amy swam up to me, her face was blushed and red from drinking. “What’s wrong Izzy?” She asked, furrowing her brow. I knew the answer but I didn’t want to say it out loud. If I said it out loud, it would be final. It would destroy my already sullen composure. I’ve always kept my love for Molly secret and silent. “Well?” Amy pressed on. Her hand moved up to my thigh leaving a dark wet spot on my jeans. I looked at James who was talking to Rosanna and Josie. If he knew Amy was flirting with me, he would lose his mind.
“I’m just a bit melancholy,” I smiled gently. Amy smiled back and bit her lip.
“Why so sad?” She teased, her cheeks even more red. She was beautiful, I had to admit, though she was slurring her words heavily. Amy really was the only girl besides Molly that could make my heart thump like this. Perhaps though it was the booze, weed and heartache.
“I am sad,” I said pausing for effect as I brushed her wet hair from her face. “Because I know after this party, I probably won’t see you guys for a while. I’m melancholy because this party has to end.”
Amy seemed to frown for a moment. “Isaac, I know why you are really sad,” She said matter-of-factly looking over at Molly. “It’s because of Davis.” Pulling herself out of the water, she sat next to me. We sat for a moment, just looking at each other. It was for a bit longer than I wanted. “Zac, I know you love her. That’s why anything between you and me would fail.” She kissed my cheek and put her mouth to my ear. “But we can forget about that for tonight.” As she spoke she started to rub my inner thigh. “I can help you forget about her. I can make it all go away,” She whispered into my ear softly and then started to kiss my neck. I didn’t know what to do, Amy was beautiful and I can’t deny that there was chemistry between us but all I could think about was Molly and her engagement.
Luckily, James called out for Amy before I could stutter an answer. She kept kissing my neck, ignoring her brother. He couldn’t see us behind the rocks that supported the waterfall. “Hey Amy!” James called out loudly again, sounding almost as drunk as his sister. You could hear a hint of urgency in his voice.
Amy soon sighed and pulled away from me, quivering slightly. “Sorry Izzy,” She said, her eyes filled with disappointment and frustration. “You know how he gets,” Amy mumbled, leaving. I could see how annoyed she was by the way she walked away. Secretly however, I was glad he called for her. I crawled off the edge of the pool and went to the patio avoiding James’s glare as he whispered into Amy’s ear. Their relationship had always creeped me out, yet ultimately it was James who gave me the heebie-jeebies.
I was way too drunk and needed water. My mouth was so dry and I could feel a headache edging through my temples. I tripped my way to the sun-room door and tumbled inside. Again, the world around me smeared out of sight. It made me feel sick and my drunken wooziness made it worse. I couldn’t tell up from down and I refused to open my eyes. I just wanted it to pass.
I felt myself sink into something soft but I refused to open my eyes because of my dazed queasiness. There were soft conversations from the couples around me. Vince and Rosanna whispered sweet nothings to each other, while Amy was telling James about her breakthroughs at work. Josie and Hanna were showering one another with adulation and tiny, secretive kisses. And finally Molly and Davis were both talking about their wedding.
Hearing about their damned wedding made me feel even sicker. I didn’t want to open my eye, to see how happy they all were. It revolted me, sending jealous shivers up my spine. Images of their wedding kept popping up in my mind. Her perfect dress. His perfect smile. And their friends and family would shower them with adoration. Then there would be Molly and Davis’s perfect, beautiful dance. Everybody would be watching them twirl around lovingly. They would all be envious of her gorgeousness and their love. Everyone except for me. I would be sitting at the bar drinking myself to death. Her betrothal was my suicide. I’ve spent so many years pining for her and staying single only for this to happen. Their perfect wedding was supposed to be our perfect wedding.
My eyes flickered open when Molly started giggling. Probably from something the amazing Davis said. I looked around the living room hazily and saw everyone lounging on furniture, except for Senter, as he was passed out on the floor, quietly snoring. “I’m sorry did we wake you Izzy?” Molly questioned with concern.
I forced a fake smile on my face and started to shake my head, “No, it’s fine. I was just feeling dizzy so I was just resting my eyes.” She smiled her picture perfect smile and went back to whispering in Davis’s ear. That smile was a drug to me. No matter how apprehensive I got with her, that smile washed my anger away. Yes, I was jealous. Of course I felt contemptuous towards Davis, towards anyone who was happy and in love. In the end nothing could make me feel better about their engagement. It felt so final, like after they were wedded I would cease exist. She wouldn’t need me anymore, especially if they had children. I would just politely
fade away from her life. Only their yearly family Christmas cards would come to remind me of what we could have had. I couldn’t let myself disappear like that. I had to do something, anything.
I stared at Davis’s flawless white teeth contrasting against his skin, as he grinned. I deserved to be with Molly just as much as he did, if not more. I’ve always been there for her. I was the shoulder to cry on, the one who was always there when she called, when she needed something. I was always there to hear her drama, there to nurse her after some asshole broke her heart or took advantage of her. And it's just like I’ll do after Davis breaks her heart. He would probably cheat on her or abuse her or run off after the first kid. I felt like it was my responsibility to protect her. She needed me more than she knew. If I could just tell her how I felt, maybe I could change her mind.
I was feeling drunk and sick. My mind was wandering on what-ifs and could-be’s, though I knew she would turn me down. It would be just like when we were in college. The more I thought about Molly the shittier I felt. Feverishly, I composed speeches meant just for her but a sober part of me kept cooing me into submission. I needed to get away from Molly and Davis. My world was violently twisting out of control and my stomach was lurching.
I shot up out of my chair and ran down the hallway. My environs were tilting and foggy and awful. I could hear someone calling my name but all I could do was focus on getting to the bathroom. Propping myself on the wall, I crawled up the stairs, gagging the whole way up. The moment I got upstairs and into the bathroom I vomited into the sink. I slid down weakly, my back to the cabinets and started crying. I let it all out, the marriage, Davis, my loneliness, it all cascaded out of me.
I just sat there sobbing miserably into my arms. My nerves were shot and my body was shaking. I couldn’t live like this anymore, living with a trivial, school yard secret that ate at me. I had refused to tell anyone before because I felt like I didn’t deserve her, that I didn’t deserve to be happy. She needed to know how I felt though even if I could never see or be with her again. I hoisted myself up, muscles aching and I looked at the sad man in the mirror. I looked awful and feeble but at least my wooziness was gone. “You have to tell her,” I whispered, trying to summon up the courage to say what needed to be said. The bathroom was quiet and the party was miles away. Cleaning myself up, I washed out my mouth and took several deep breaths. I was finally going to shed my secret and live a life I’ve been wasting.
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