by Kate Stacy
“And apart from his work...you had no idea who he was?” Cannon asks.
“None. In case you haven’t noticed, your boy doesn’t have much presence online. The shop may have social media accounts, hell both shops have them, but that only showcases the ink. I knew his name. Anyone worth a damn in the tattoo world knows the name Adam Pierce, but I’d never seen a picture of him.” He pops a fry into his mouth.
“Damn,” Cannon says. “This is some Lifetime drama level shit.”
“You watch many Lifetime movies, Cannon?” I quip.
“Shut the fuck up,” he laughs out, throwing an onion ring at me.
I bite into my burger with a smile.
It’s been one hell of a day, but I can’t complain.
We talk and bullshit until the sun goes down and the streetlights come on.
By the time we leave the shop and go our separate ways for the night, it feels like I’ve known Felix my whole life.
It’s not until I get home, strip down, and climb in bed that I realize I haven’t thought of Presley all night. Once Felix showed up, all thoughts of her fled my mind and I didn’t think about her once.
It takes no time at all for thoughts of her to come flooding back.
Rubbing my chest to relieve the ache, I wonder how she’s doing.
And I wonder how long I have to wait to have her back in my life.
THIRTY-FOUR
Presley
“Think about it for a few days and we’ll talk about it more next time.”
I nod. “Thanks Audra.”
“There’s nothing to thank me for, Presley. You’re doing all the work. I’ll talk to you again Wednesday.”
“Bye,” I say, clicking to end the call.
I close the lid to my laptop and settle back onto the couch.
I have an ongoing appointment for a video call with Audra every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I’ve been “seeing” her for the last month, ever since I last harmed myself. Intending to keep my promise to Holden, I sought her out the morning after and have kept every appointment since. I know how much she helped Madalyn after everything she went through, so I was hopeful that she’d be able to help me too.
Contacting her was the right choice.
I want to get better and Audra has been helping make the necessary changes in my life to allow it to happen. The first few appointments were just me pouring my heart out. She listened as I told her everything I had already told my brother, but I gave her every minute detail. We talked at length about my childhood, particularly the teenage years. She helped me get to the root of my problems and I’ve been making progress to rid myself of the negativity that plagues me as a result.
Case in point.
Comparing myself to my sisters.
I always hated that no one saw me as my own person, but the truth is...even I couldn’t separate myself from them. How can I expect others to see me when I always stick to the shadows? I spent years wondering why I felt so plain when my sisters seemed larger than life. I stuck them on this pedestal, but they didn’t ask for it. Feeling invisible. Feeling less than. It had nothing to do with them and everything to do with me. I just hate that it took so long for me to figure it out.
After a great deal of soul searching and an ocean’s worth of tears shed, I finally realized one important thing…
It’s true what they say. You are your own worst enemy.
According to Audra, I’ve been making great strides toward bettering myself.
I’ve gotten better about opening up about my feelings. I’ve been so much more willing to talk about my problems instead of holding them back.
I may be doing all the work, but I still have so much to thank her for.
She’s been so open and accepting.
With her help, I’ve been able to pinpoint my triggers. She taught me a variety of coping mechanisms and I’ve found a couple new ones that seem to be working for me.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed and my anxiety or emotions start to get the best of me, I write. In the last month, I’ve filled almost an entire journal with pain I would have otherwise taken out on myself. I tried journaling when I was still in school, but it didn’t work then. I can’t explain why it helps now when it didn’t before, but it doesn’t really matter.
Despite writing, the urge to cut has still taken hold of me several times since the last time.
I didn’t need Audra to tell me that cutting can be a difficult pattern to break. I’ve been there before, and I know how hard it was the first time.
At Audra’s suggestion, I wear a rubber band around my wrist for the times when writing just doesn’t cut it. Emotional healing is a lifelong process and sometimes, writing doesn’t rid me of the urge fast enough. For those times, I snap the rubber band around my wrist. It’s meant to mimic the sensation I feel when I cut. It’s not the same, but it does help. My goal is to eventually not need the substitute, but for now it helps me by providing immediate relief in a way that doesn’t hurt me.
I’m a work in progress, and I’m perfectly content with that.
I’m in a much better headspace than I was a month ago.
It makes all the difference in the world.
Luna jumps into my lap, pressing her paws into my thigh. The wounds there have healed, but the area is still tender. When I slid the blade across my skin, I was already so far gone, totally out of control. I ended up cutting too deep. Not deep enough to need stitches, but deep enough to make a significant difference in the time it took to heal.
At the time, I thought I was only hurting myself.
I know now I was wrong.
The wounds in my flesh weren’t the only ones left behind that night.
I created new scars for myself and left lasting scars on the two men who mean the most to me.
I’ve had a difficult time getting over that.
Unfortunately, I’ll have to look at these scars for a long time. I still plan on covering them with another gorgeous work of art, but I have to wait. I couldn’t call him and ask, so I did my research on tattooing over scars. The most common result said it’s best to wait twelve to eighteen months before trying to tattoo over scar tissue. I can’t even use wanting a tattoo as an excuse to drop by Three Kings. It’s my own damn fault.
I haven’t seen Adam in a month.
I can’t count the number of times I’ve picked up my phone to call him, wanting nothing more than to hear his voice.
It would have been easy to make the call.
If there’s one thing I learned about Adam in our time together, it’s that he has a white knight complex. I think that subconsciously, he knew how troubled I was. I think he saw my scars and wanted to be the one to fix me.
He did, for a time.
But it was a temporary fix to a permanent problem.
I miss him.
I saw a quote on Instagram the other day that said, “I only miss you when I’m breathing,” and it spoke to me. Those words hit me soul deep.
Four weeks without him has felt like a lifetime, but I needed to take the time to work on myself before I could tackle things between him and I.
I’m almost there. Almost.
Cuddling up with Luna, I check my notifications on Instagram and see that Tara tagged me in a couple posts. I smile when I see some of the pictures from my latest session with her. It was another boudoir-type shoot, but I was bare naked the entire time. The photos are done in a silhouette style and they’re fantastic. A little mysterious and a whole lot sexy. I never imagined they’d come out this good.
And to think...I almost deleted my account.
I almost let the haters win.
But almost doesn’t count.
I love modeling and Instagram is the perfect platform to share that love.
I still get comments and DMs from people who are rude as fuck, but it’s easier to let it all roll off my back now.
I started the account because I want
ed to be seen.
I kept it because I finally see myself.
Audra’s been an amazing influence on me. She helped me realize what I should have known all along, the same thing that Derrick tried to tell me—all the followers in the world don’t mean shit.
They don’t really “see” me.
Not like Adam did.
They don’t know me. They see what I choose to let them see, no more, no less. They see what’s on the surface, but don’t come close to touching what’s underneath.
Not like Adam.
My relationship with him went deep, soul deep.
It could have been amazing.
If only I loved myself as much as I loved him.
I’m almost there.
Almost.
THIRTY-FIVE
Adam
Sun. Sand. Surf.
A day at the beach is like balm to the soul.
If there’s one thing I’ve missed about living in Florida, it’s living close to the beach.
It’s been more than a year since I’ve had my feet in the sand. I missed it more than I realized. I’ll have to make it a point to find time to visit North Carolina’s beaches after we go home.
I look up from the sketch I’m working on to find Noah flirting with a couple cute college-age girls. I know damn well he’s enjoying himself, he has been all week. He sees me looking and waves me over, but I shake my head and go back to drawing. Not only do those girls look barely legal, I have no interest in anyone else. I still only have eyes for one girl.
I still haven’t managed to finish the design I’ve been working on for months, but I’m getting closer to matching the picture with what I see in my mind. I thought it was meant for Presley, but the reason I’ve struggled so much is because it’s not hers. The design is meant to be ours.
Two crowns.
His and hers.
King and Queen.
When I finish, I’m going to have Cannon ink it on my chest, right near my heart.
In the place where Presley belongs.
It doesn’t matter that it’s been a month since we’ve talked.
Or that I haven’t laid eyes on her in weeks.
She’s a permanent part of me.
I have faith that we’ll be together again when the time is right.
Noah drops down in the sand beside me. He sits with me in silence, knowing I’m stuck in my head.
It’s not like it’s hard to tell. I’ve been lost more often than not lately. It’s been a constant struggle to heed Holden’s advice and give Presley time. Hell, the entire last month has been one struggle after another. I’ve had to resist the urge to insert myself into her life and do whatever it takes to make everything better for her. It would have never worked but knowing that didn’t stop me from wanting it anyway.
I took every word Holden said to heart.
As much as I want to protect Presley, I can’t. She needs to be strong enough to stand on her own. One day she’ll be ready. When that day comes, I’ll be the first in line to stay by her side. Not to hold her up, but to help her balance if she stumbles.
Working on myself has been even harder.
How in the hell am I supposed to get over abandonment issues that go all the way back to childhood? Since even before I can remember?
Everyone leaves.
In some way, shape, or form, it’s been a common, ongoing theme in my life.
My biological father abandoned me before I was even born.
The man I thought was my father left.
My mother took her own life.
And my little sister turned to drugs, which eventually stole her life.
It’s a lot of loss for one person to handle, especially trying to handle it all on my own, so I asked for help. Holden gave me the name of a therapist and I’ve been talking to her a couple times a week. She’s not local, but phone calls work just as well and are more comfortable for me. It’s been a bit odd to talk to a stranger, but I can’t deny that it’s made a difference.
Audra has helped me realize that rather than put so much importance on the people who have left, I should turn my focus to those who haven’t. The people who stay are the people who matter. That’s not to say that my mom and my sister aren’t important, or that they don’t matter. They do. But they’re gone and I needed to truly accept that.
Letting go hasn’t been easy, but I’m starting to finally feel at peace with the things I can’t change.
This trip has helped.
I was starting to go stir crazy in Blackwood.
Being so close to Presley, yet so far away...it was enough to drive me insane. Guess I wasn’t only driving myself insane since Cannon suggested making the trip down here. As soon as he voiced the suggestion, I knew it would be good to get away and I cleared my schedule to make it happen.
I asked Noah and Felix to join me.
Noah jumped on the invitation, saying it gave him a good excuse to take a much-needed vacation.
Felix chose to stay behind. His dad’s been having some health problems, so he didn’t feel comfortable going so far in case his parents needed him for anything.
I’m not mad about it. There will be other trips and other chances for the three of us to spend time together. I just thought it would be a good opportunity to bond with my brothers, a chance to get to know each other better without the entire town of Blackwood watching our every move.
Rumors are already flying in the few weeks that Felix has been in town. Some of the stories floating around are completely ridiculous, but we don’t pay them any mind. People are gonna talk. Par for the course in such a small town.
Felix is settling in and helping Cannon run Three Kings in my absence.
Noah and I made the trip to Tampa and we’ve been relaxing and having a good time. I took him by my other shop, Castle, and introduced him to the crew there. I was happy to catch up with my old crew, and even happier to see how well things are running without me or Cannon at the helm.
Noah leans in, peeking over my shoulder to see the full design. He lets out a low whistle.
“Your artistic talent had to have come from your mom, because I damn sure can’t draw like you do.” He laughs. “I can’t draw a stick figure to save my life.”
“You’re probably right, considering Felix has the natural talent, too. He might even be better than me, but I’ll never admit to saying that.”
“You wanna design something for me? I’ve been wanting to get something new.”
“Yeah, man. I’ll even give you a family discount,” I tell him, bumping his shoulder with mine. “We’ll figure out schedules once we get back and set something up when we’re both free.”
“Sounds good. Speaking of getting back...we still heading home tomorrow?”
I sigh, setting my sketchbook down. I pull my knees to my chest and rest my arms on top of them. Looking out across the horizon, I realize that something inside of me has settled.
“Yeah. As much as I’m enjoying our impromptu vacation, I’m ready to go home.”
“You gonna go after your girl?”
Laying my head on my arm, I turn it to the side and look at my not-so-little brother. “I don’t know, man. Haven’t come to a decision about that yet.”
He arches an eyebrow. “You giving up?”
“Fuck no,” I spit. “Not a chance in hell. I’m just...not sure if she’s ready. Not even sure if I’m ready.”
Noah nods, understanding my predicament. He’s one of the few people who know the entire story about what went down between me and Presley. Ryan and Cannon both know, but I needed to talk to someone who really knows Presley. Noah was the clear choice. Helps that he’s a good listener. Perks of having a bartender for a younger brother. Free therapy.
“I know that I fucked up. I know the precise moment when everything went wrong. I shouldn’t have pushed her away and I wanted to fix it, but the damage was already done.” I focus my gaze
back on the ocean, mind calming as I watch the waves crash against the shore. “I’ve had too much time to think for the last month.”
“I know what that’s like.”
I nod, knowing he does.
“For a long time...it felt like something was missing from my life. I thought that finding the truth about my blood—finding people who share the same genetics—would fill that empty space. Something was definitely missing, but it wasn’t family like I thought. Even before you, I had family. Cannon and Ryan. They may not be blood, but they’re family in all the ways that matter.”
“Family isn’t always blood.”
“Right,” I agree. “Saw Deacon tattoo a quote on some girl a couple weeks back. It said, ‘Blood doesn’t make family. Love does.’ I saw that and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Love. Love was the thing I was missing. Not familial love, but love in the romantic sense.”
I roll my eyes, shaking my head at how simple it seems now that I’ve figured it all out.
“Presley.”
“Yep, Presley. It was always her. I fuckin’ love her, brother. I’ve known for a while, but I wasn’t ready for it. I wasn’t ready for her. She walked into my life and fit perfectly without even trying. I fell hard and fast and there wasn’t a damn thing I could have done to stop it from happening. Now that I don’t have her...I feel that loss on a soul deep level. I don’t want to continue living my life without her.”
“So you made your decision then? You’re gonna go after her when we get home?”
“Actually...I think I’m gonna let her come to me.”
THIRTY-SIX
Presley
Three Kings.
The place where it all began.
I open the door and step inside, but no one’s there to greet me.
“Hello?” I call out, not wanting to overstep any boundaries. It’s been too long since I’ve talked to Adam, and I have no clue what to expect when I do. I came here with nothing more than a hope and a prayer.