by BL Mute
I inhale a deep breath and set my bag of takeout on the island, trying to clear my thoughts. The same thoughts I’ve had over and over for the past three months.
It’s almost as if I like torturing myself with all of the what-ifs and the past. It’s all that consumes my mind anymore and does nothing but bring on the nightmares.
God… The nightmares…
I shake the thoughts away, yet again, before they can snowball in my mind.
The cabin Carl has set up isn’t too bad. It’s close to the border of the city, gives me privacy, and keeps me safe. It’s nothing spectacular like Teddy’s home—like my home—but it serves its purpose well.
Everything is modern on the inside. An open living area that melts into the small kitchen and dining room, all stainless-steel appliances, and two rooms tucked away on the far wall. A fireplace sits half in the kitchen and half in the living room, lighting up all of the dark leather and walnut wood furniture.
I pull out a barstool and sit, looking out the panoramic window that takes up almost the entire wall behind the main counter in the kitchen. Frost creeps up the glass, making everything look distorted outside. It’s cold out now, but not enough for snow. At least with the colder weather, I can wear baggy clothes now.
I drag my eyes from my skewed reflection to the bag of Chinese food on the counter. Since being in the cabin, I found the best hole-in-the-wall restaurant that has a little bit of everything. I find myself craving the sweet-and-sour chicken along with fried rice at least three times a week. Probably not the best for me, but it’s one of the only things that doesn’t make me sick.
I shove a piece of the chicken into my mouth, then look up. “Fuck!” I let out a scream as the glass now clearly displays the reflection of a man standing behind me.
Carl chuckles behind me as I turn around and glare at him. “You have to stop being so jumpy, Charlotte. I’m sure that ‘baby boy’ doesn’t like being shook up.”
I roll my eyes. “Stop calling it that. We don’t even know what it is yet.”
I know being mean to Carl will get me nowhere, but anger is just easier these days. If I cut off all other feelings, I won’t be hurt again.
“It?” He shakes his head. “I can’t call the baby an ‘it,’ and I’ll have you know I’m great with guessing gender. I have a feeling it’s a boy.”
I widen my eyes and cross my arms. “Oh yeah? How many pregnant women have you been around, and how many have you guessed right?”
He opens his mouth, then snaps it closed.
“That’s what I thought. If you insist on calling it anything, you can use Hale.” I pop another piece of chicken into my mouth since the other went flying and try to hide my smile.
“Hale? You’re giving it the Hale name?” He looks too shocked.
“Of course I am. Why wouldn’t I? And I thought we weren’t calling it an it,” I tease, hoping it will distract him from my question.
“I just thought after everything he did, you’d go with something else. Perhaps Welsh like your father.”
I shake my head. Carl never uses Teddy’s name anymore. I don’t know if it’s because he misses him too and it’s too painful, or if maybe he’s still ashamed of all he did to me. “I love—” I cut myself off and look to the ceiling, hoping like hell my hormones won’t get the best of me. “Loved. I loved him, Carl. Even after everything, I still loved him. This baby is his, and even though he isn’t here, that doesn’t magically change its paternity. Regardless of everything, this baby is a Hale.”
He nods, not pushing the subject further. I’m sure it’s in fear of having me completely break down. That’s happened a lot recently. Sometimes—most times really—I cry, and others… Others I’m not so nice. I may have thrown a thing or two and threatened to castrate him over food, but whatever. Hormones are a bitch.
I give him a tight smile, then open the container with my rice. As soon as the lid is out of the way, the aroma of eggs flutters to my nose and lands in the back of my throat.
“No, no, no,” I chant to myself.
“What’s the matter?” Carl asks, stepping closer to me.
Tears well in my eyes. “I told them no eggs in the fried rice, but I guess the new person they have didn’t mark it. I can’t eat this!” I hold up the container, trying my best to hold back my gags while holding my other hand over my mouth.
Fear covers his features. “Don’t worry. I’ll go back and get a replacement. Please don’t cry,” he pleads.
I want to laugh because I know he’s really scared of me getting upset over food, again, but I know if I move my hand, it’s over. So, I just nod instead.
As he hurries out the front door, I round the corner and throw the rice into the trash. Before I can make it back to my spot on the barstool, my phone rings. I let out a deep breath and fish it out of my purse, already knowing who it is.
After a quick glance to make sure my suspicion is right, I answer and bring it to my ear. “Hello, Lucas. Yes, I’m home, yes, I’m okay, yes, the baby is okay, and no, I haven’t heard anything about or from Cameron.”
One of the twins calls every day to check in. I’m not sure why considering I know they talk to Carl and he tells them all of the same things. Which is why I don’t give him any time to even say hello. I already know what he will ask.
I don’t want to drag the conversation out any further than we need to either. After Teddy’s funeral, if you can even call it that, we fell back into the same patterns. He would hold me, and I would cry. I tried to get through shit on my own, to really mourn and face the reality, but it was hard. Lucas was willing to help, but we both know where it will lead.
“I’m coming over in a few,” he responds.
Suddenly, my heart starts to beat faster. I may talk to him almost every day, but I haven’t seen him in a good week.
“Why? Is everything okay?” He stays silent for a beat, and it does nothing to help calm my anxiety.
Ever since I’ve been here, I’ve felt like a sitting duck. Cameron is nowhere to be found, and the boys haven’t let me do anything involving the family. I’ve literally just gone to doctor appointments and sat at home, being as useless as ever. It doesn’t help that there has been almost nothing from Emil too.
He finally breaks the silence. “Everything is fine. I just want to check in and really see you’re okay, maybe talk about a few things too.”
I sag against the counter and press my hand to my stomach, letting a flood of relief wash over me. “Okay,” I sigh. “I’ll see you soon.”
I stand in front of the door for a moment before turning the knob and walking inside. Charlie is slumped over the counter, scrolling on her phone, hiding what I really want to see.
“What have I told you about locking the door, Flower? Shit still isn’t safe.”
She rolls her eyes, then sets down her phone before rounding the counter. “Carl barely just left. It’s fine.”
I glance at Julius as he closes the door, then back to her. I can tell she’s trying to hide her figure in the oversized sweater she’s wearing, but I can still see the outline of her tiny bump when she pulls the fabric tight unintentionally, putting her hands on her sides. I know the sight of her stomach shouldn’t excite me, but it does.
Maybe I’m a sick fuck because I like to imagine the baby she is carrying is mine instead of the man who broke her. But oh well. When I go to hell, I’ll be in good company.
“It isn’t fine. What if it wasn’t us coming in here?”
She lets out a weak laugh, then reaches inside her bag on the counter quickly. When her hand comes out, the Kimber Teddy got her is gripped in her palm. She swiftly pulls the hammer back, letting the click sound out around us, then points it at me.
“If it wasn’t you, then I’d be prepared to shoot. Just because I’m pregnant and you won’t allow me to do anything doesn’t mean I’ve lost my abilities.” She slowly holds the hammer and pulls the trigger, uncocking the gun, then slips it back into her purse.
I
try to hide my smile, but it’s useless. I haven’t seen her seem so confident in weeks. It’s a welcomed change. “Still a badass, I get it.”
“When can I come home?” She wastes no time asking, completely ignoring the conversation at hand.
The question shouldn’t catch me off guard since she asks it almost every time I check in, but it does. Maybe it’s because I know why she wants to go home so badly. She wants to be close to Teddy in some way. Sleep in his bed, wear his clothes.
The thought makes my blood boil, so I try to push it away. “That’s what we came to talk about.” I shove my hands into my pockets and look at Julius, but he doesn’t speak. “We need a plan.”
“What kind of plan?” Charlie finally asks.
“Emil has been too quiet. I don’t know if he’s planning something or what, but I don’t like it. I know he’s pissed Desi is in jail, and I have a feeling he’s been lying low until he can retaliate.”
“We’ve had the chief keep an eye on the house. Hasn’t noted anything suspicious yet, so we could be wrong,” Julius adds, “but that’s a gamble we can’t take.”
“Exactly. We need to figure something out soon. Hopefully hit him before he can hit us,” I finish.
I glance behind her to the counter and notice an open takeout box, completely interrupting my train of thought. I walk beside her, brushing my arm against hers, then look closer at the box. It’s full of uneaten chicken.
“Have you eaten today?”
She turns to me and tips her head. “Breakfast and lunch. Thanks, Dad.” She salutes me sarcastically.
I ignore her sassy remark. “Dinner?”
“I got food, but they put eggs in the rice. Made me lose my appetite, but Carl is getting me a replacement now. I doubt I’ll even eat it though.” She waves her hand around like it’s no big deal.
“Here we fucking go,” Julius remarks under his breath. I liked him a lot more when he didn’t talk as much.
I give him a sharp look, then turn back to Charlie. I’ve always worried about her, always cared about her, but now that she’s carrying a child, I feel the need to protect her even more.
“Charlotte, you’re supposed to be eating more now that you’re in the second trimester.”
She huffs. “The doctor said I’m fine, Lucas. I’m gaining all the weight I should be, and the baby looks fine.”
“Well, I couldn’t give a fuck less what he says. Skipping a whole meal can’t be good for it.”
Her brows knit together as she crosses her arms over her chest. “I can’t force myself to eat if all it’s going to do is make me sick. Chill. You’re acting like you’re its fucking father or something.”
Her words slam into my head and bounce around, making their way to my chest, and I’m reminded of the one thing I hate the most. The woman I fucking love is pregnant by another man. Another man who didn’t deserve her in the first place.
But maybe I don’t deserve her either. I can’t even admit to her that I do fucking love her.
“Lucas, I—” she tries as soon as the words leave her mouth, but I cut her off.
“Let’s go eat and figure out the fucking plan.”
She inhales a deep breath and nods.
“I’m going to hang back and wait on Carl. I’ll give him a heads-up,” Julius says, walking to the couch and sitting down.
I roll my eyes. Ever since Teddy’s been gone, Julius has been extra pushy about me pursuing Charlie. I mean, I want to—fuck do I want to—but she just won’t give in. And maybe that’s for the best. How am I supposed to love her and give her everything she needs when she still isn’t over Teddy? I still have my own thoughts and emotions about Teddy. Ones that don’t involve sadness.
When he died, seeing him lying there stirred something in me. At the moment it hurt of course. I was watching a man who I admired and looked up to slowly slip away, but once the shock of everything calmed, I was reminded of who he really was and the things he’d done, and that’s just not something I can forgive.
Charlie needs someone to mourn with her, to bask in the good memories, and I can’t do that.
“Come on, Flower.” I sweep my hand in front of me toward the door and pray the car ride is silent. I don’t want to deal with anything more than what we have to.
Right as we pull up in front of the Mexican restaurant, Charlie finally breaks the silence. “We’re calling it Hale now, not it.”
I put the car in park and look at her. “What?”
“The baby,” she remarks, glancing to her stomach. “We’re calling it Hale.”
I try to hide the grimace on my face. I should be excited it will have my last name, but I know she isn’t doing it for me. She’s doing it for him. “Hale?”
She nods. “Yep. It is a Hale after all, so why not? Carl got tired of me calling it an ‘it,’ and I got tired of him calling it a boy.”
I scoff, doing my best to hide my annoyance. “Fair enough.”
I try to exit the car, but she grabs me by the bicep. “Why do you hate me, Lucas?” Her eyes are already threatening to spill with tears.
The past few months she’s been extra emotional, with good reason, but it’s times like this that I wish I didn’t have to walk on eggshells.
“I should be asking you why you hate me.” I grab her hand and set it in her lap.
She tips her head. “What are you talking about?”
“You’ve been nothing but cold toward me. You were perfectly fine cuddling up to me for the weeks following shit, but now you won’t even look me in the eye.”
I can tell something is on the tip of her tongue, something she’s been dying to say, but she won’t say it. Even with Teddy gone, it’s like he’s still controlling her in a way. “He gave us his blessing.”
“Not this conversation again. Why can’t we just be friends, Lucas?” She rubs her fingers over her temple.
I let out a laugh. “We aren’t friends, Charlie, and never have been.”
Her brows knit together, and her lips form a hard line. “What do you mean?”
She asks like she doesn’t already know the answer. “Friends don’t do what we did. They don’t kiss and wish for more, and they sure as hell don’t love each other the way…” I trail off.
I know if I say it out loud, I won’t be able to take it back, and even worse, I won’t be able to stop myself from wanting more than I already do.
“Friends don’t love each other like you love me,” I finally finish.
She shakes her head slowly. “You’re right. And friends don’t treat each other like shit either.” She unfastens her seat belt and gets out of the car in a rush, slamming the door behind her, but she never denies what I said.
“Fuck,” I mutter to myself.
I knew this would happen. As much as I try to be careful, it still isn’t enough. Charlie used to be like a lethal bomb. Ready to fight or even kill if you said the wrong thing. Now, she’s nothing but emotions. There is no telling if she’ll cry at something you say or want to cut your dick off. At this point, I guess her being mad is better than the crying. When she cries, it fucking kills me.
I step out of the car and put the keys in my pocket after locking the doors. When I make it inside, Charlie already has a table on the back wall with chips and salsa sitting in front of her and a huge glass of ice water.
I stroll over and pull out the chair next to her, wanting my back to the wall too, and not toward the door. Just in case. “I didn’t mean what I said in a bad way,” I say, settling beside her.
“Sure sounded that way,” she snaps.
I rub my temple. “Can we just talk about a plan? Forget everything else and just try and figure this shit out?”
“Whatever you want, Lucas.”
I’ve done really good over the last several months. I’ve kept my hands to myself for the most part, dotted my i’s and crossed my t’s when it comes to her, but everyone has a breaking point.
Reaching under the table, I grip her knee, then l
ean in close to her ear. “Now isn’t the time for this, Flower.”
Her back arches and her legs spread in response. It’s subtle if you aren’t paying attention, but I’m always paying attention. Even if she thinks she’s in control and won’t take that step—cross that line—I know the truth. She craves me, and if I wanted, I could have my way with her right here at this table, but I won’t do that. I want her to make the move.
I grip her knee harder, letting my nails dig into her leg, and inch my hand closer to her core, then let my knuckles brush her most sensitive spot. She inhales a sharp breath but doesn’t respond.
“That’s what I thought.” I straighten back up and pop a chip into my mouth when she doesn’t argue. “We need to handle Emil. Period. He’s a liability that I don’t trust.”
I glance at her for her opinion, but she stays silent as a waitress approaches. “Good evening, guys. What can I get started for you?” She is tall and dressed in the tightest thing she could find in her closet, no doubt. The brunette not so discreetly pulls her top just a little further down and rounds the table to stand next to me.
Instead of giving her the attention she wants, I stare at Charlie instead while I speak. “She’ll have the brisket taco with a side of frijoles—no cheese—and some lime wedges.”
“And what about you, darling?”
Charlie’s eyes catch mine for a moment, but she quickly looks back ahead of her. I grin. “Nothing but a death sentence if you don’t get the fuck out of here.” I can’t stand when women throw themselves at me. Maybe that’s why I like Charlie so much. She isn’t some easy whore. She’s a lady who makes me chase her. God do I hate fucking running though.
Her mouth gapes open, but she doesn’t say anything. She just scurries away.
“We need help though. I don’t think we can take him out alone.” I say, acting like I didn’t just do or say what I did.
Finally, she turns toward me. “What about the guy you all found? The one who was only giving David orders.” Her eyes have taken on a new gleam. They aren’t sad or angry. They’re hopeful.
I knew when we found the real cartel leader, we shouldn’t have told Charlie. I warned Julius and Carl both that there was a good chance she would want to go after him. But this is so much worse.