Breathe

  I think I turn slightly lesbian when I drink.

  Oh well.

  “Hey Trish,” I shout to her. At least I think that's what I shouted. I can't really tell thanks to the cosmos.

  She walks our way after delivering beverages to some hotties at the other end of the bar. “Hey girl. What are you up to tonight?”

  “Just hanging with my main man here and getting my drink on.” I pull Rafe closer to me and put my arms around his waist. She gives me an odd look. “This is Rafe, the best friend. Rafe this is Trish, the best bartender.” I start to giggle uncontrollably for no reason.

  Rafe leans over the bar and extends his hand. “Nice to meet you.”

  “You too.” Trish shakes his hand while giving him a not-so-subtle once over. Her eyes are screaming “I want to have sex with you on this bar”. If she only knew he drives a stick shift.

  My giggle fit increases.

  Brody is working behind the bar tonight, too. “Hey Grace. What's going on?”

  “Ya know. Drinking, flirting, drinking some more.”

  He gives me an awkward smile like he knows I probably shouldn't be here. “What are you having?”

  “Shots!” I shout at the top of my lungs grabbing the attention of the group of hotties Trish was previously tending to.

  Trish shoots a glance at me and then Rafe. He nods and she sets a round of shot glasses on the bar in front of us. She pours four shots of Jack Daniels Green Label. Good choice on her part. She pushes two over in front of Rafe and me, takes the third for herself and slides the fourth to Brody.

  “To Grace,” she says loudly as she lifts her glass to meet ours.

  Everyone around us shouts the same in unison. The four of us clink glasses and pour the liquid quickly down our throats. Slamming the shot glass upside down on the bar, I wince.

  Holy shit!

  It burns like hell. However, because of the previous amount of alcohol I have consumed already, the hurt is good.

  “Yee haw!” I shout at the top of my lungs throwing my arms in the air. I guess the whisky has turned me a little bit country.

  I hear a band start to bang out a song on the stage. The familiar voice sets me up straight. It's Olive! I didn't know she played here. Yay! I love her band. I glance back behind the bar and notice Brody staring up at her with a shit-eating grin splayed across his handsome face. Well, this could be interesting.

  Rafe pulls on my arms to get me back in line. I assume he doesn't want to have more attention on me than I already have. I don't care. Let them see. Let them take pictures. Let them write and blog about me.

  I. Don't. Care.

  Linc has pretty much left me. I don't feel safe anywhere. And now I may have some kind of stalker. I don't care what happens now. I just want to let go and be free.

  “Don't!” I yell to Rafe. I whip around and stomp away from him towards the dance floor, shedding my jacket and throwing it back at him on the way. I grab the first decent looking guy who isn't near or holding a girl and pull him with me. I throw my arms around his neck and start to move my hips against his. I feel his hands snake around my waist and pull me in closer. Looking up I see two familiar brown eyes gazing down that halt me still.

  “Please don't stop moving this way, Grace.”

  “Ryan?” I'm confused. “What are...why...” With my alcohol induced mind mush, I’m having a hard time comprehending why I just grabbed one of my closest friends and started grinding on him. “I didn't know it was you. What are you doing here?”

  “I could ask you the same thing.”

  “I'm...I just...I'm here with Rafe.”

  “Ah. I see. Where is he?” He looks around but brings his eyes back to me within seconds.

  I shrug my shoulders. “What are you doing here?” I tense for a moment. “Is Hayes here?”

  “No. I'm here with a few buddies.” I let out an awkward breath.

  “Seriously, Grace. What's going on? Why are you out obviously drinking too much and pulling random guys out to dirty dance with you?”

  “Nobody puts baby in a corner.” I giggle with a smile at my own witty movie reference. It quickly fades when realization hits me square in the face. I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t be doing this.

  “I...” I drop my arms and look away from him. “What am I doing? I think I need to go.” My head starts to spin a little as my breathing picks up speed.

  “Gracie.” He leans down to match my eye level. “It's me. You can talk to me about anything.”

  “I can't. I just...”

  “Let me take you home. I'll text Rafe and let him know I have you.”

  I nod. “Yeah. Okay.”

  Ryan takes his phone out of his pocket, presses a few buttons and shoves it back in to where he got it. His sport coat comes off and he drapes it around my shoulders. Pushing on the small of my back he led me to the front of the club and out the door. I faintly hear my name being yelled.

  TUCKED SAFELY AWAY in the comfort of my apartment with Ryan's familiar arms wrapped around me, I lay on the couch watching mindless TV trying hard to shake the spins from my massive alcohol consumption this evening. My phone was ringing with calls and buzzing with text so much that I had Ryan turn it off. I didn't want to talk to anyone or see anyone. I'm sure I'm acting like a spoiled little girl but that's how I want it right now. I want to not feel. I want to forget about things, especially Linc.

  Yawn.

  I want to sleep.

  “Getting tired now, Gracie?” Ryan asked while nuzzling his nose in my hair. We’re lying on the longer side of the couch together; him lying on his side and me on my side in front of him. We're covered by a thick fleece blanket.

  “Mmm...I think so,” I answer wiggling a bit to get more comfortable. I had changed into shorts and a tee before we settled in on the couch.

  “Wanna go into your room to sleep or stay out here?”

  “I don't want to move. I want to stay out here just like this.”

  Ryan let out a small moan before he kissed me on the temple. “Whatever you want, Gracie. But I have to say I'm glad it was me that you pulled out to the dance floor tonight.”

  My eyes fluttered open a bit. “Why is that?” I whispered.

  “Because I ended up here with you in my arms. I've been waiting to do this since high school, to hold you like this again.”

  Uh oh.

  “Ryan, I just need you to be my friend right now. I'm going through some stuff. I really need someone not involved in it to be with right now.”

  “Grace,” he growls, “I'm here for you. I always have been and always will be. You've been my girl since we were five years old. There's nothing I won't do for you. Nothing I haven't done for you.”

  Startled by his statement, I turn my head sideways to see his face when his lips come down to mine. I'm not sure if it's the emotions or the alcohol or simply the fact that he’s here with me saying these things, but I kiss him back. I leave my hands under the blanket but turn my body in his arms. His arms tighten around me as his lips knead mine. He’s a gentle kisser. His tongue comes out and slowly starts to stroke my closed lips. By instinct they part and he takes it upon himself to enter. As soon as mine reaches his I'm jolted by the sound of the door being pounded on.

  “Gracie, let me in.” More pounding. “Gracie it's me. Let me in.”

  I jump up from the couch without thinking and quickly run to the door, throwing it open.

  “God, Rafe. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I left you.” I pull him in and fall into his arms. I utter a tiny cry and tears started rolling down my cheeks.

  “Hey. It's okay. I've got you now. I've got you.” He strokes my hair with one hand and holds me tight with the other. “You can't just leave like that. I had no idea where you’d gone or who you were with.” He kisses my forehead. “How did you get here?”

  “I brought her home,” Ryan said from behind me, glaring at Rafe.

  Wait. Ryan said he would text Rafe to let him know the plan. What the hell?<
br />
  “Thanks man. I got it from here.” Rafe returned Ryan's glare with one of his own. Rafe will win every pissing contest there is to be had that involves me. Ryan knows this and backs down.

  I turn slightly to look at Ryan. He looks torn. He opens his mouth to say something but closes it immediately. Again, with Rafe here he knows his place is runner-up at best.

  “Thanks for bringing me home, Ryan. I appreciate it.” I show a small smile and turn away from him, pushing my head into Rafe's chest.

  Ryan lets out a deep breath. “Sure. I'll leave you two.” He grabs his sport coat from the closet and reaches for the doorknob. I turn to look at him as he turns to look at me. We stare at each other for a long second. “I'll see you around, Gracie.”

  Not knowing how to respond, I nod my head and bury my face into Rafe's chest again. I hear the door shut and it brings out more tears. I'm ashamed of what just happened. Ryan is an old friend and I think we've ruined that now. Rafe walks me to the bedroom, picks me up and lays me in the bed. Pulling the covers over me, he gives me a peck on the lips.

  “I'll be back in a minute, Gracie.”

  I nod as my eyes sleepily flutter shut.

  Oh, sweet darkness. Take it all away. I beg of you.

  I'M NOT SURE HOW LONG I’ve been sleeping. I feel the bed beside me cave in a bit and an arm reach around to cover me and pull me close. I scoot back a little more.

  “Hold me closer, Rafe,” I say sleepily with my eyes still closed. He obliges my request.

  A low voice responds, “Whatever you want.”

  Wait!

  A second after the light bulb goes off in my head, I'm being turned to face him. I blink my eyes a few times until they can stay open. I stare in confusion, not fully realizing who I’m looking at. Once my brain completely catches up with my eyes, they fly open wider and catch those blue beamers that I’ve fallen in love with staring straight at me. Straight into my soul.

  Linc is home.

  I still can’t breathe.

  Chapter Thirty

  “No.” I sit up and push on his chest. “No! No! No!” I scream shaking my head back and forth almost violently. I’m spinning again. I need to stop.

  “Grace, it's okay. I'm here,” Linc says calmly. He leans in and tries to kiss me. I push harder and roll away, falling off the side of the bed in the process.

  “No! You don't get to do that.” I can't even look at him as I lay flat on the floor, looking at the ceiling.

  He lets out a small laugh. “Grace.”

  “No.” I say firmly one more time while rising to stand. I point at him. “It's been three damn days with no word from you. You do not get to lay in this bed with me. You do not get to hold me. And you certainly do not get to kiss me.” I turn ungracefully on my heel and walk out the door.

  Walking quickly, I trip in the hallway but thankfully don't fall. Linc is hot on my tail. I enter the living room and see Rafe sitting quietly on the couch staring blankly at the unlit fireplace. He stands at attention when he sees me rushing in. I sprint to him and jump into his open arms knocking the two of us down onto the couch nearly landing on Duritz. My puppy jumps down and scampers off into the kitchen, almost like he can feel the tension in the room.

  “I can't do it. I can't see him right now. I want to but I can't,” I whisper into the crook of Rafe's neck.

  “Shhh,” he whispers back while stroking my hair. “Gracie, calm down. You're shaking. Calm down.”

  Hearing Linc move closer to us I squeeze Rafe tighter. I’m not letting go of this man. He’s currently my only lifeline to sanity and to halting a panic attack.

  “Grace,” Linc begs. “Baby, talk to me.”

  I don't move or make a sound. I'm barely even breathing.

  “Please,” he sounds strained. “Please look at me. Talk to me.”

  Finding strength from Rafe's hold, I respond still not removing my head from the crook of his neck. “I can't see you right now. I'm glad you're back, but I can't see you.”

  “Let me explain. Give me a chance to tell you-”

  “Tell me what exactly?” I finally lift my head and look at him.

  He doesn't answer. I'm not sure what kind of expression I have on my face, but he looks stunned.

  I pull back from Rafe but stay straddled in his lap. “Go ahead then. Tell me. I would love to hear about where you’ve been the last few days. What you were doing the last few days when I was being stalked and scared in the one place I should feel the safest. So, go ahead, Linc. Tell me.” I surprised myself, and probably Rafe too, by staying somewhat calm. “And while you're at it, you can also tell me who Rebecca is and why you were with her in Boston.”

  He takes a step closer and I instinctively lean forward and drop my forehead to Rafe's shoulder. He wraps his arms around me again.

  “Grace, please. Please just come here,” he pathetically begs again. “I need to feel you right now.

  Startling myself, I begin to cry as Linc takes another step forward, reaching out for me.

  “You don't get to touch her right now, Linc,” Rafe scolds as he rubs my back with one hand and lifts the other to stop Linc from coming any closer. “Not when she says no.”

  “I just...I need to...” He rubs both hands over his face. “Aw, hell.”

  He's defeated. I can hear it in his voice.

  I give in a little and look up. Our eyes meet and emotions start to stir inside me. Staring into those perfect eyes, I realize that I owe it not only to myself, but also to Linc to hear him out. I break the gaze and look at Rafe. Leaning into his ear I whisper so only he can hear, “I should hear him out.”

  “Are you sure? You don't need to do this right now. You can sleep on it tonight and think about it in the morning,” he quietly whispers back.

  “I'm sure. I'll be okay.” I pull back from Rafe and stand, still facing him. “You stay here. I'll let you know if I need you.”

  He lifts himself off the couch and stands beside me. We stare at each other for a quick second and he nods in understanding of what I want.

  You can do this, Grace.

  I turn to Linc and sigh. “Okay. Let's talk.” I shuffle past him and down the hall to the bedroom.

  Our bedroom.

  He follows.

  I shut the door after he enters and we both settle into separate chairs across the coffee table from one another. We stare, neither of us wanting to speak first. I'm not sure how much time has passed by us, but I'm not going to be the first to speak. This is all him. He begged me to let him talk. So, I'm sitting here staring at his beautiful face waiting for him to explain the last few days. He looks pained and tired. It’s three o'clock in the morning after all.

  My drunkenness is all but gone, however I'm sure I’ll have one hell of a hangover when I actually wake up from all this emotion and little sleep.

  “I'm sorry for being unavailable to you,” he says in a strained voice. “I should have been there. Really, I shouldn’t have let you go in the first place. I knew you would be safer here with me.”

  “But you weren't even here. You were in Boston.”

  “I would have stayed for you.”

  “You didn't,” I mumble.

  “Neither did you,” he bites back.

  Touché.

  That one stings a bit.

  “You know why I thought I had to leave. But I changed my mind and came back. You know where I’ve been the last three days. I, however, just found out today where you’ve been. Or what you’ve been doing.” He breaks our stare and lowers his head. “All I wanted to know was that you were okay and, maybe that you were thinking about me. I never stopped thinking about you.”

  He lifts his head back up and stares at me again. His eyes show a slight glimmer.

  “I never stop thinking about you. Ever. The reason I do what I do is for you. For us. You have to know that. The reason is always you.”

  Oh, swell. A bullshitter.

  “I don't know that.” I stand and start moving tow
ards the door. “I have something to show you. I'll be right back.”

  I go out into the kitchen and grab the envelope from the bar. Rafe is sound asleep on the couch. I take off his shoes, throw the fleece blanket over him and kiss his forehead. “I love you, Rafe.” He mumbles something in response and snuggles in with the blanket. I head back into the bedroom.

  Linc is still where I left him. He’s hunched over with his elbows on his knees and his forehead in his hands. He must be deep in thought because he hasn't acknowledged me being back in the room.

  “Linc?” I say softly.

  His head shoots up. What’s happened to him these last few days? He looks like he's aged in the time we've been apart. I have a not-so-good feeling turning in my tummy.

  Just breathe.

  I hand him the envelope and he takes it without hesitation. Leaning back in the chair he examines it by flipping it over a few times before opening the flap and pulling out the contents. I sit back down in my seat and watch him as he looks over the photos. His eyes go wide and he shakes his head. Noticing the note, he sets the photos in his lap and begins to read it. Moving the pile onto the small table, he leans forward putting his elbows on his knees again, still holding the note. He looks up at me briefly, then back down at the note and reads it again.

  After a long pause with him just staring at that damn piece of paper, he looks back at me.

  “Do you know who did this?”

  “No. Miles is working on it.”

  “Fuck. I should have been here.” He blows out a puff of air. “I should have been here,” he says again slamming the note on the table. He gets up from the chair. Kneeling in front of me, he lays his head in my lap wrapping his arms around my waist. “Forgive me, Grace. I know I'm a piece of shit, but please forgive me. “

  I want to touch him, but I don't. “I'm not sure what I’m supposed to be forgiving.”

  “Everything. Everything about my life.”

  “I think you need to tell me about Boston before I can do that. And Rebecca.”

  He lifts his head and stares at me with pleading eyes. He pushes back and sits on his heels.