by Dee C. May
“What?” I snapped before I could stop myself.
She carefully outlined her lips then colored inside the lines, still not looking my way. “I know you hate talking about this, but it’s like you sainted her the moment she died. She doesn’t deserve that—and neither do you.”
“I can’t talk about this. You don’t know—”
“I know it’s time you remember that she wasn’t perfect, Wyn. She screwed you after freshman year. She was your friend, but she chose to go live with Missy and Amanda, leaving you high and dry. You were floundering sophomore year, for roommates and for friends. Great for me and Annie, yes, but it wasn’t the kind of thing a friend does. And I know you missed her, missed that close friendship you thought was mutual.”
“Yes, well, ditching and—” I paused, searching for words.
“—and cheating are two different things,” Julia finished. I stared at her speechless. “I knew it was something like that eating away at you. You could have told me. I don’t care if you screw the entire soccer team. I don’t advise it, but I would still love you. You’re my friend.” She pushed her hair back behind her ears and then pulled it forward again. “You forgave her for all she did. Why can’t you forgive yourself?”
I couldn’t wrap my head around what Julia was saying. “What do you mean? What did I have to forgive her for?”
“Wynter,” she chided, “everyone knew he liked you first, liked you more, but she swept in and stole him. We all saw it happen except you. Personally, I don’t think he’s worth the time from anyone, but that’s not my point.”
“I never thought of it like that.”
“Of course you didn’t. You just went on pretending it didn’t happen, just like you pretended she didn’t ditch you. You were a good friend, not perfect, but then neither was she. She was only human, Wynter. And so are you. Give yourself a fucking break.”
My throat closed up.
Julia grabbed a tissue and dabbed at the edges of my eyes. She smiled encouragingly. “Dude, don’t cry. Your mascara will run.” I half laughed and grabbed another tissue, blowing my nose.
Julia adjusted her straps and abruptly changed the subject. “Do you think he’ll show up?”
The tightness in my chest slowly eased. I shrugged, trying to sound casual. “I don’t know. Maybe.”
She appraised my dress and grinned. “He’d be an idiot not to.”
I fought to think of an excuse for Beck. “Well, you know he’s big into me being with my friends and doing the college thing while I can.”
Brian appeared in the open doorway, and I sighed with relief, glad for the distraction.
“Hello handsome,” I complimented. He did, too, dressed in a navy suit that showed off his wide shoulders and dark hair. He beamed as he inspected Julia’s chiffon dress, his eyes lingering on its spaghetti straps and her cleavage.
“Why, thank you, Webster.” He had taken to calling me that recently. It was his dog’s name. I raised my eyebrows. “I already told you. It’s a compliment in the highest order. You look like him—all big eyes and sad and weepy—and I love him to death.”
Julia shook her head, smiling as she searched around for her shawl. “It’s true. He does love that dog. He lets him in bed with us whenever we’re there.”
“All right,” I agreed, producing her shawl off my unfolded clothes pile. “If I find out you’re making fun of me, I’ll be pissed.”
Brian laughed. “I’m too scared of your English friend to do that.”
He offered an arm to each of us. Julia draped her shawl over her shoulders as I grabbed the door behind us.
“Fifty dollars says he makes it.” Julia gave me a sideways glance.
“We’ll see,” I answered, hoping she was right.
I had gotten dressed tonight thinking only of him. I wanted Beck to see me in this dress. I wanted even more for him to take me home and take it off.
Chapter Forty-Six
Beck—Senior Formal
“Are you going?” Quinn asked, leaning over to top off my glass. I dragged on my cigarette. Not a usual smoker, every now and then I enjoyed it with a scotch. The last few weeks had been the best in years. Spending time with Wynter filled me with an ease and contentment I had only read about. For once, the ghosts I carried with me were silent.
“No,” I answered quietly, shaking the cubes in my glass and thinking of the dress she had bought from a boutique downtown. Sheer, almost-silver, it was a change from her standard black. I could only imagine what she would look like in it. She had asked me to go, repeatedly, and I wanted to—more than anything—but I had promised myself since that night she had come back that I would not forget our differences.
“For the record, I think you’re crazy not to go.” Quinn volunteered.
“You would.”
“I’m going to ignore that. I just can’t figure out why you won’t go. She asked, for one, and, two, she’s going to look hot and, three, it sounds like a great party.”
“She needs to spend time with her friends, not with me. I don’t want her to forget her real life.”
“I’m sure when some guy’s feeling up her legs through that dress, her real life will be quite clear to her. And you’re the one that could be doing it but won’t. You’d rather send her to the wolves with some dumb young university guy.”
“If that’s what she wants, then that’s okay,” I lied, stifling the urge to throw my scotch down and drive a hundred miles an hour to campus to see if Quinn was right.
“Oh, fuck that. And, just to clarify, she wants you. But for some incredibly stupid, morally backward thinking, you won’t.”
“You don’t know that.”
“To hell I don’t. I have eyes and ears.”
“Leave it alone, Quinn.” I could see him shaking his head, but he didn’t bring it up again. I had promised myself I would wait for her call, if she called, but—after two hours with Quinn and several scotches—my resolve wavered, and I found us on I-95 headed toward campus as fast as I could legally go without getting arrested. Quinn seemed entirely enthusiastic about our road trip, overly so, and I decided to give words to the idea that had been percolating in my head for weeks now.
“Are you after Julia?” I asked.
He turned his blazing blue eyes in my direction. “How long you been working on that one? Did you go to Intel for your information soldier?”
I ignored his rant, knowing it was aimed at distracting me. “I thought it was Annie at first, but I was wrong.”
He twisted his head a bit, grinning as he did so. “Maybe I do like Julia, but that doesn’t make you Sherlock Holmes just because you figured it out. I haven’t been hiding it. She makes me laugh. Nothing wrong with that.”
“Nothing wrong, except for Sara.”
“Don’t jump to conclusions. Julia and I … we have a good time together. We have the same sense of humor, something Sara’s missing.” I couldn’t argue with him there as I visualized Sara’s beautiful but scowling face. “Anyway, Julia has a boyfriend, who will most likely be there tonight, and I have Sara. You don’t walk away from a relationship because someone else makes you laugh. You just enjoy the laughter and leave it at that. Besides, our little outings are going to be over soon now that they’re graduating. Have you thought of that? What are you going to do then?”
I hung my hand outside the window, feeling the wind whip through my fingers, and thought of what he had just said. I shook my head. I had no idea where I was headed. I listened to Quinn singing along to a Rolling Stones song for a few bars before asking the question that had really been bothering me. “Do you really think some guy is going to be feeling up her legs?”
His laughter bellowed out of his chest and got lost in the wind.
Chapter Forty-Seven
Wynter—Altercation
The music pulsed from the speakers, and the floor shook with the bass. The performing arts center had been transformed to resemble a sea motif with large cardboard cutouts of mer
maids, fish, and crabs. Deep blue balloons and streamers festooned the rafters and draped off the circular stairs that wound up to the floors above where the art galleries were open to display students’ works and host food and cocktail stations. The night was wearing down, and most were breaking off into couples and leaving.
From the second level, I could see Annie, Hailey, and Sophie on the dance floor below. It was hard to imagine college was almost over, graduation only days away. I bumped into Julia looking at Annie’s artwork in a gallery near the stairs. Annie had been working diligently on her oil landscapes all year, and they were really impressive.
The gallery emptied as we meandered from painting to painting, joking about what we thought may have inspired the different scenes. Jason caught us by the back door leading to the outdoor balcony. I’d kept my distance since that horrible weekend, avoiding any contact with him. I’d even changed seats in history. Jason had done the same, not even mentioning my move in class. I saw him around campus with Leslie, but I no longer cared. Sometimes, I caught him looking at me, but I never let on. Screw him. I had nothing to say.
“Hey, Wynter.” He smiled, all cocky, making me wonder how many beers he’d had. He definitely looked buzzed. Thankfully, Julia was with me.
“Hey.” I stepped back casually, trying to put some distance between us.
“Nice dress.” There was something about his tone that instantly made me wish I was in a floor-length turtleneck.
“Uh, thanks.” I turned to head to the door, but he caught my arm.
“Where are you going? I haven’t talked to you in weeks.”
“We’re going to dance,” Julia interrupted. I looked down at his fingers and back up at him. I wanted to rip my arm from his grip. That weekend had stripped me clean. He’d shattered my self-confidence, my trust in myself, and any feelings I’d had for him. Beck had been right about hitting bottom, and it was only recently I’d felt like I was coming back up. I stared at his fingers wrapped close to my wrist, images of that last night together still in my mind. My pulse raced.
“I think—” I started, but stopped when another hand, amazingly strong, gripped Jason’s and slowly peeled his fingers away.
“I believe she would like you to remove your hand.” Beck stood beside me, his face calm, but his eyes flashed angry. Jason looked as surprised as I felt, neither of us having heard him approach. Beck held onto Jason’s hand. I wondered if he intended to crush it to dust. I knew he could. Jason pulled back, and Beck reluctantly let go.
They stared at each other a full minute, then Jason half laughed, his voice shaking. “Well, old man, I’d love to trade stories—” he cast a dismissive look my way “—but I’m done here.” Beck hadn’t stopped staring at him, hadn’t even blinked.
“Well, I think we have some things to talk about,” Beck answered, his voice barely above a whisper. And then in one motion, so quick that Jason couldn’t react, Beck threw him towards the balcony door. In that moment, I saw the military soldier he was and the flicker of his uncontrollable anger. I stared after them, shocked until I remembered Julia next to me. I turned, my mind whirling with how to explain this, when my heel caught on the floor, rolling my ankle.
Quinn caught me before I toppled over. “Hey there, love, steady now.” I rubbed my ankle and tilted my head slightly toward Julia, breathing in deep to slow my pulse. Quinn glanced at Julia who kept looking between us and the door.
“He works out a lot.” Quinn explained.
“Seriously?” She rolled her eyes at him.
“Absolutely” He nodded his head surveying us both. “You girls look great.” He grinned and Julia smiled back, her face relaxing. I could tell she had questions but thankfully she let it go.
Beck came back through the door alone.
“Did you throw him off?” I asked. I flexed my foot trying out my ankle. It seemed okay. He glanced at Julia, who was now engrossed in trading barbs with Quinn.
“No,” he answered and then, more adamantly, his voice tinged with horror as if shocked by my question, “of course not.” He winked at me.
“That’s not nice,” I scolded.
He widened his eyes in fake surprise. “What’s not nice?”
“Whatever you’re thinking. I can see it in your smile.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about. Besides, whatever I did or didn’t do, I’m sure he deserved it.”
“Yes.” Then, sounding ridiculously like my mom, I added, “but two wrongs don’t make it right.” Beck looked at Quinn and Julia in disbelief as we headed toward the stairs.
“I know. Her logic is a little screwy sometimes,” Julia commented. Beck didn’t reply, just shook his head again.
“You girls want to round up your posse and get some food?” Quinn asked as we reached the bottom of the stairs. Julia nodded in reply, taking my arm and directing us toward Hailey and Sophie on the dance floor.
When we got a few feet away from Beck and Quinn, she leaned over to me and whispered, “He’s like your knight in shining armor.” I laughed loudly, embarrassed. I peeked back, but Beck was wrapped in a conversation with Annie, who had pounced on him as soon as we left the stairs. Hopefully he didn’t hear.
Chapter Forty-Eight
Beck—Hiding
I lingered behind as the girls climbed out at the diner, laughing and talking among themselves. Apparently, Hailey had a run in with the guy she liked and was recounting the story in vast detail. I couldn’t keep track, though. My attention stayed riveted on Wynter, who looked absolutely beautiful in that dress. It shimmered, giving her a glow, and her shoes, barely made up of anything but the skinny heels and some straps, only accentuated her legs all the more. In the Jeep, I couldn’t help staring at how the ends of the dress fell around her on the seat, her legs shiny, silky, and stretching forever. I kept picturing them wrapped around me. It had taken considerable effort not to drive the car off the road.
I hadn’t allowed myself to feel anything more than friendship since the weekend in the woods and her discovery of what I was. I felt lucky she had come back to me at all. I told myself I was content to spend time with her, to smell her scent on my clothes after she left, to spend our nights hanging out. I had embarked on a pursuit of her under false reasons, looking for answers, looking for our connection. Then my interest had morphed into something far greater. But our differences hadn’t changed. I had to be satisfied with less. Yet, watching her walk into the diner, knowing that in a few days things would change, I wanted to grab her and press her lithe body into mine, , run my hand up under those swirling layers and meld my lips to hers.
I thought of what Julia had said about my being her knight and almost laughed aloud. I wondered if all knights had a desire to violate their damsels as I did.
Quinn waited for me. “Everything okay?” He eyed me suspiciously.
“Absolutely,” I lied, grabbing the door from him.
“Tenacious little bastard, isn’t he? He looked fairly surprised, though.”
“Bloody hell. Don’t get me started. I wanted to throw him off. And that’s the nice version.” He laughed in answer, pulling up a chair next to Julia.
The girls were in rare form, recounting the past four years as they devoured plates of eggs and home fries. Wynter kept glancing at me; each time it was like a tiny bolt of lightning. I felt guilty and selfish, sitting at the table enjoying their company, insanely attracted to someone I couldn’t have. But, for the first time in a while, I felt alive. Being around Wynter and her friends filled me and made me hope.
Wynter invited me up when we got back. I followed her wordlessly, waiting on her bed as she scooped up her clothes and exited to the bathroom to change. She returned in cut-off jean shorts and a pink t-shirt.
“You look beautiful.”
She laughed. “Now? In this crummy t-shirt and shorts, you think I look good?”
“Yes. That dress is fantastic, believe me, but I like you this way, natural and casual, just as much.”
Instead, I did the next thing that came naturally. I retreated. “I’m going away for a while,” I said, glancing out the window as I spoke the words. My chest felt incredibly tight.
She leaned back, unable to hide her surprise. “What?”
“I’m going away, for business. To London,” I explained. “I’ll be back before the summer’s over,” I lied, making it up as quickly as the words tumbled out of my mouth. I didn’t want to stay and wait for the inevitable change that would happen once she graduated. I was never good at facing uncertainty. Besides, I needed to check in with Baxter face to face, see if I could get any information out of him.
“But you’re coming back?”
“Yes. I’m leaving day after tomorrow, but I’ll only be gone a few weeks.”
“I’ll have graduated by then. I’ll be home on Long Island,” she said tentatively, playing with the tab on her soda can, twisting it back and forth. Here was the opening I needed to exit her life. She got up, moving toward the other side of the small room but staring at me as she did so. The shorts, with their dangling frayed edge, seemed to end right after her ass, leaving just enough to imagination. My desire overrode my concerns and the obvious opportunity presented by her graduation.
“Well, I can come there and visit,” I volunteered. I could see her chest rise and fall in a deep breath.
“Okay. I’ll give you my parents’ address.” She grabbed her phone, typing me an email, I assumed.
“You want to take a walk?” I suggested. I was always better outside, away from the bed that seemed to accentuate the one thing I wanted and simultaneously couldn’t have. She took a swallow of soda and grabbed her flip-flops.