by Jim Ladd
“Surely it’s against the pirate code to just make someone walk the plank?” he said desperately. “I mean, you don’t know why I’m here – I might have been trapped in that crate, or kidnapped or anything.”
“You’re right, it would be against the code,” said Pegg, leaning so close that Sam could smell what he’d had for breakfast. And his breakfast didn’t smell nice. “But the code is for pirates, and you ain’t a pirate.”
Comet pressed a button on the handle of his replacement cutlass and with a crack the edges of the sword glowed with bright laser power.
“But, but…” Sam stuttered as he edged away from the flaming sword.
Sam thought desperately. He had to let Comet know about the map, but he couldn’t tell him about it in front of the whole crew; the fewer people who knew about it the better. “Can we go somewhere and talk about this, Captain?” he asked.
“The only talking you’ll be doing, lad, is with this!” Comet replied, thrusting the sword at him.
Sam edged backwards on to the plank. He was suddenly very aware of the black nothingness all around him. The plank wobbled like a diving board, and Sam felt his knees go weak. Comet stood at the edge of the ship, his crew around him shouting, jeering and waving their fists.
Sam gulped. “I’ve got a proposal,” he said as firmly as he could.
“Oh really – and why would I be interested in that?” sneered Comet, waving his laser cutlass menacingly from side to side, and nearly dropping it overboard.
Sam shuffled towards Comet.
“You’re meant to go the other way!” Comet said in surprise, still waving his cutlass.
Sam slid close enough to whisper in Comet’s ear. “I know where Planet X is!” he hissed.
“Ha! Nice try – now time to say goodbye!”
“Wait!” Quickly Sam plucked the map from his pocket. “I do – look, I’ve got a map!”
Comet stepped out on to the plank with Sam and looked suspiciously at the scrap of cloth.
“My parents are scientists, and they’ve crash-landed there,” Sam explained. “They sent this to me in a homing beacon.”
Comet sidled up closer, flipped up his two eye patches and peered closer at the map with all three of his eyes.
“And that’s genuine, is it?” asked Comet in a conspiratorial whisper.
“Yes,” replied Sam. “Just think, with this you could be the pirate that finds Planet X. That would show Black-Hole Beard.”
“Pass it here,” said Comet.
“No!” Sam snatched it away. “If I did that, what’s to stop you from pushing me off the plank? If you want the map, I come along too.”
“Hmm – you drive a hard bargain.” Comet stroked his moustache.
“’Ere, Captain, is everything all right?” shouted one of the pirates from the deck.
Comet looked alarmed, as if he’d forgotten the crew were watching. Quickly, he flipped his eye patches back.
“OK, it’s a deal,” said Comet under his breath.
“Wait – how do I know I can trust you?” asked Sam.
“I swear on the pirate code!” Comet hissed.
“But I’m not a pirate, remember,” said Sam.
“You are now!” Comet spun round to face the crew. “Arr, me hearties,” he announced, pulling Sam down on to the deck next to him and putting his arm around him so that Sam’s face was smushed up into his armpit. “Your old captain has a kind heart and is an easy touch for a sob story. This snivellin’ wretch has lost his parents – much like your captain himself. So I’ve taken pity on the lad and made him our new cabin boy!”
A cheer erupted from the crew.
“But if he’s a lazy swab I’ll throw him to the quasar sharks!” shouted Comet to an even louder cheer.
“Now, we must give our new shipmate a proper pirate welcome – let’s break open the grum and do some bowling!”
And that got the loudest cheer of all.
Sam was woken the next morning by the snores of his fellow crew members. He could still taste last night’s grum. Sam had always wondered what grum was like, and he’d been quite surprised to find out that it was really just lemonade milkshake – very sweet and fizzy – and, as Captain Comet had told him, it was great for keeping away space scurvy.
If last night was anything to go by, space pirates certainly loved their space shanties. There had been at least thirty-seven verses of a “Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of Grum” and a full and noisy attempt at “Ninety-Nine Bottles of Grum on a Wall”. No wonder everyone was still asleep. Sam looked around at the swaying anti-gravity hammocks floating around him.
Suddenly a loud blast echoed around the ship. Immediately all the pirates stirred. With moans and grunts, they jumped out of their hammocks and started walking to the door.
“Is that a foghorn?” Sam asked the pirate nearest to him.
“Nah, that’s breakfast,” he replied, pulling his trousers over his peg leg.
“Barney’s meals always come with a warning,” joked another.
“Who’s Barney?” asked Sam.
“He’s the ship’s cook. Now, look lively or there’ll be none left.”
Sam followed the pirates to another low room. Inside was a long table with benches on either side. There were bowls laid out and the pirates were already tucking in. Sam found a space and sat down.
When he looked into his bowl, he wished he hadn’t bothered. It was filled with a lumpy sludge. To say it was grey would be insulting to that colour, which was a vivid and exciting shade compared to the disgusting mess in Sam’s bowl. A bubble of gas rose to the surface of the mess and burst with the sound of a wet fart. Then something moved inside it.
“Aargh! What was that?” shouted Sam.
The elderly pirate next to him laughed and the air whistled through the gaps in his teeth.
“That’ll be a weevil worm,” he said. “Occasionally they fall in the cooking pot. Not bad tasting, as it happens. Hey, lads – cabin boy’s got a weevil worm!”
The other pirates groaned with disappointment.
“Beginner’s luck,” one grumbled.
Sam didn’t feel too lucky. Or hungry.
“You can have it,” he said, pushing the bowl to the pirate.
“Arrr, thanks mate!” he replied before wolfing down the sludge, weevil worm and all.
Just then Captain Comet entered, wearing an even more elaborate outfit than yesterday. His long coat had even frillier sleeves, and the buckles on his boots shone so brightly it hurt your eyes to look at them.
“Ahoy, me hearties!” he announced. “Your brilliant captain has wonderful news!”
The chatter in the mess room died down as everyone turned to look at Captain Comet. Soon the only noise was the slurping of sludge.
“Last night,” Comet began, lowering his voice dramatically, “the ghost of Long John Starseeker appeared to me.” There was a gasp around the hall. “He spoke to me, one glorious captain to another, two brave buccaneers together—”
“Get on with it!” someone shouted.
Comet held his hands up for silence. “And he told me the way to Planet X!”
The whole mess hall erupted into cheers. Someone threw their breakfast in the air and grey sludge rained down like wet, sticky confetti.
“All right, you lazy sons of space slugs!” Comet shouted. “This is no time for sitting round gossiping like old women – we’ve treasure to find!”
The crew cheered, and bowls and spoons clattered down as pirates rushed to get up on the deck.
“Not you, Cabin Boy,” said Comet, putting a hand on Sam’s shoulder. In seconds the mess hall was empty, and Comet brought out the map.
“I thought Long John Starseeker had told you the way?” asked Sam innocently.
“Yes, well.” Comet looked flustered. “Pirates like a good tall tale, lad, and if you were a captain you’d know that.” He cleared his throat. “Anyway, thanks to the map I’ve managed to plot a course.”
“Ooh,
did Long John Starseeker give that to you?” came a voice from behind them. Captain Comet and Sam whipped round. Barney the Kraken was holding a stack of bowls in one of his tentacles, and using the others to clear the tables. He dropped the bowls with a clatter as he reached out a tentacle towards the map.
“Err, yes,” Comet blustered. “But keep it a secret, there’s a good lad, Barney. We don’t want every scoundrel aboard knowing about it.”
Barney mimed zipping his beak shut. “You can count on me, Captain!” he said proudly.
“Good.” Comet popped the map inside an empty bottle of grum for safe-keeping. “By my reckoning, it shouldn’t be too long before old Comet here is known as the greatest pirate to have ever sailed the Seven Suns!”
“Where have you been, you hopeless snark? This is no time for moon-watching,” shouted Pegg as Sam appeared on deck. “Get over here! And be sharp about it or you’ll find out what happened to the last cabin boy!”
Sam found the two-headed first mate really scary – well, half of the first mate, anyway. He hurried over as fast as he could.
“What did happen to the last cabin boy?” asked Sam nervously.
“Ah, well, ermm, he’s sort of indisposed,”
Legg muttered.
Pegg gave a sinister cackle. “Yeah,” he said. “Permanently indisposed.”
“Anyway,” said Legg, cutting in, “cabin boy is a wonderful job full of excitement and possibilities – so make the most of it!”
“Great – so what first?” asked Sam eagerly.
“Well, me hearty, you have the excitement and possibilities of cleaning the ship,” sneered Pegg, pushing a mop into Sam’s hand. “I want this deck to sparkle. Now, get cracking!”
Sam looked with dismay at the spaceship. If the Jolly Apollo had looked dirty from the side of the dock, then up close it was positively filthy. Dirt was ingrained in the deck and the only places where you couldn’t see the muck was where food had been spilled. And there were spacegull droppings everywhere. It was going to be a long morning.
Three hours later Sam was still cleaning. With a grunt he scraped the last bit of spacegull poo off the top of the crow’s nest. It was the worst job he had ever done in his life and he ached all over – but as he picked up the crow’s-nest telescope he couldn’t help grinning. A few short hours ago he was listening to Professor Argon droning on and now he was the cabin boy on a real-life pirate ship! Sam could barely believe it.
He had a great view from the crow’s nest, too. To his right was the fiery planet of Infernos. To his left the spiral arms of the distant galaxy Busella looked like a boomerang frozen in time, mid-spin. All around were countless other stars, planets and a ship – a spaceship!
“Ship ahoy!” Sam shouted, hoping that was the right thing to say.
“What type is it?” called Captain Comet from the deck.
“It’s big,” Sam replied, “and coming this way – fast. Hold on a moment…” Sam paused as he fumbled with the telescope, “… it’s the Gravity’s Revenge!”
The news sent the crew down below into a panic. “Hoist the main sails and ready the laser cannons!” shouted Comet. “No – lower the sails and engines full power! Oh my life, it’s Black-Hole Beard!”
The crew ran this way and that, bashing into each other and dropping stuff all over the deck – which other people then tripped over. While some of the pirates began hoisting the sails, others were trying to let them down. It was chaos. Sam scurried down from the crow’s nest to try and help.
“Don’t panic! Don’t panic!” cried Comet, clearly panicking himself. “Remember the pirate code! Ready the laser cannon and fire a shot wide of the Revenge to welcome a fellow pirate.”
BAZOOM!
The Gravity’s Revenge beat them to it – but their shot went tearing through the Apollo’s front mast, toppling half of it on to the deck.
“Well, that was a bit careless!” huffed Comet. “We only just fixed that.”
BAZOOM! BAZOOM! BAZOOM!
More shots from Revenge went zinging into the Jolly Apollo.
“I don’t think that was an accident, Captain!” shouted Sam.
Comet dived behind the main mast, his hat pulled down over his ears.
“Can we fight them off?” shouted Sam.
“Of course we can’t!” wailed Comet. “And with our foresail gone there’s no way we can outrun them.”
With a sickening crunch the Gravity’s Revenge smashed into the side of the Jolly Apollo. Black-Hole Beard’s pirates swarmed over the side like angry ants, shouting and cursing, cutlasses waving and space muskets firing. And at the head of them was Black-Hole Beard himself, his sharp laser cutlass glinting cruelly and his foul parrot, Baggot, squawking at his shoulder
The Apollo’s crew tried fighting back, sparks flying as laser cutlass hit laser cutlass, but it was hopeless – the crew of the Revenge outnumbered those of the Jolly Apollo and they were meaner and keener for the fight. In less than five minutes it was over. Black-Hole Beard had captured the Jolly Apollo.
Black-Hole Beard glared at the captured crew of the Jolly Apollo.
“Now, where’s that snivelling whelp you call a captain?” he bellowed.
“I’m here!” said Comet, stepping out from behind the mast and trying to stop his voice from shaking. “How dare you board my ship! It’s totally against the pirate code!”
“Squarrr!” screeched Baggot. “What a loser! What a loser!”
“I demand you and your filthy fleabag crew depart – immediately!” continued Comet, giving Baggot a dirty look.
“Now, now, Joseph, there’s no need to be like that,” said Black-Hole Beard in a wheedling voice. “It’s only a social call. It seems we’ve drunk all our grum, so we’ve decided to borrow some of yours. Of course, when I say ‘borrow’ I mean ‘take’; and when I say ‘some’ I mean ‘all’ – but you get the idea. Right, boys – empty the hold.”
“I demand you stop immediately or I’ll…”
“Or you’ll what?” growled Black-Hole Beard, glaring at Comet.
“Carrr! He’s got greasy locks and he wears smelly socks – it’s Comet, it’s Comet,” sang Baggot.
The crew of the Gravity’s Revenge cackled evilly, slapping each other on the back and shouting unpleasant curses.
Comet’s moustache drooped. Barney placed a reassuring tentacle on his shoulder.
“You may mock,” he said, “but you’ll be laughing on the other side of your faces when we find Planet X!”
The Revenge’s crew erupted into gales of laughter. “Oh, not this again,” cried Black-Hole Beard.
“As… if… you,” one pirate gasped, doubled over with laughter, “could find Planet X!”
“We will!” shouted Barney.
“Barney – shush now!” Comet hissed at him.
“Yeah, laugh away,” continued Barney.
“Shush!” Comet hissed again.
“But, Captain,” said Barney in a loud whisper. “We will! Now you’ve got that map showing exactly where it is.”
Suddenly everything was quiet, except for the sound of Comet slapping his hand to his face in despair.
“Uh-oh,” said Barney, stuffing a tentacle into his beak.
“Map, eh?” said Black-Hole Beard. “Why, thank you, Barney.” He turned to his grinning crew and waved his hand in the air. “Tear this ship apart, boys, and find that map!”
Sam looked at Captain Comet in despair. Surely he’d have found a safe hiding place? He must have a safe, or a treasure chest, or a loose floorboard that no one would ever look under…
“Got it!” one of Black-hold Beard’s crew shouted, holding up the grum bottle with the map in it. “It was in his sock drawer.”
Black-Hole Beard took it from him and laughed out loud. “A message in a bottle, me hearties,” he cried.
Sam stepped towards the front of the crowd. He had to get the map! As the crew of Gravity’s Revenge cheered, Sam saw his chance and lunged at Black-Hole Beard.
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br /> But as he jumped, a heavy hand landed on his shoulder. Then a lobster claw nipped round his waist and pulled him back.
“What are you doing? Let me go!” wailed Sam as Comet’s crew surrounded him, standing between him and Black-Hole Beard. Sam struggled desperately, but he was held too tight.
“Shhhhh,” whispered Legg as Black-Hole Beard turned in their direction, holding the bottle up high. Sam gulped as the evil pirate’s cold eyes stared right through him.
“Control your crew, Comet,” he snarled. “Or I’ll control them for you. Now, a map like this needs to be with some proper pirates, don’t ya think? I don’t be supposing you’ll do anything as stupid as trying to follow us, but as there’s no accounting for just how bone-headed you can be, I’ll take a few precautions. Scar! Crank!”
Two hideously ugly pirates leapt to attention.
“Make sure the Apollo’s engines are missing some vital parts,” instructed Black-Hole Beard.
“Aye aye, Cap’n!” they sneered. A couple of moments later they returned with some greasy bits of metal.
“Well done, lads – now chuck ’em overboard,” yelled Black-Hole Beard. “C’mon me hearties – we’ve treasure to find!”
Black-Hole Beard and his crew swept back to their ship, Baggot squawking a rude song about the Jolly Apollo and toilets. Gravity’s Revenge blasted off with a deafening roar and was gone.
The crew of the Jolly Apollo watched in silence as their enemies disappeared into the vastness of space.
“That’s that, then,” said Comet. Then, turning on his heel, he marched back to his cabin and slammed the door.
Sam turned to the pirates angrily. “My parents are stranded on Planet X,” he yelled. “That’s how I got the map. And now it’s gone and there’s no way I’ll ever be able to rescue them. Why did you stop me?”
“Because we prefer you alive,” replied Legg.