“What do you want?” she said, as icily as possible.
“I need to talk to you. Please?”
“I have nothing to say to you.”
“I know,” he whined. “I get that, babe, I do. But I have some really important things to say to you. Ten minutes. Please? We can stay in the building.”
“No,” she said, but less firmly.
“Please, Marce?” Doug’s eyes were welling with actual tears. “I drove all the way from Austin today, just to talk to you. Please don’t tell me I can’t have ten minutes.”
She looked at Jake, whose face was set hard in an unreadable expression. “Whatever you want,” he said flatly.
“You’ve got five minutes,” she relented. “In the building.”
Jake exhaled next to her and she sensed his anger. Anger at Doug, clearly, but maybe at her, too. An ominous feeling rose in her stomach, and she considered changing her mind and slamming the door in the slimy bastard’s face right then. But how could she deny him five minutes when he had driven fifteen hours? Seeing him after so long, she was struck by her curiosity, and the absurd desire to run her fingers through his blonde curls again. She grabbed Jake’s grey hoodie off the hook next to the door and stepped out. “I’ll be right back,” she said. He pressed his lips together into a half smile and closed the door behind her.
She rounded on Doug. “What the hell are you doing here? How did you find me?”
“Easy, babe; don’t want any of your neighbors to call the police, do you?” He was grinning. Antagonizing her had always been a favorite pastime of his.
She scowled. “Stop calling me that. I’m not your babe. Speaking of that, how is your baby? And your wife? How’s the happy little family?”
His smile faded. “There is no baby. And Cathy and I are divorced. That’s what I came to tell you. It’s been final for a month now.”
“I’m...” she fumbled, stunned. “I guess I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. It’s for the best, and it’s a long story. I’ve been trying to find you for months. Figured out that you blocked my calls, eventually. I have a new number now, in case you’re interested.”
Marci glared at him wordlessly. Interested, she was not.
“Finally, I came across your engagement announcement a few weeks ago, and tracked down your man’s address.” Damn. They had been putting off that announcement for so long and finally caved to Kitty’s pleas for public recognition just before Thanksgiving. “Nice rock, by the way.” He pointed at her left hand, which she immediately shoved in the pocket of the hoodie.
“What do you want, Doug?”
“All business. Like always. You’re so serious, Marci,” he said, mocking her demanding tone. She did not smile. “Okay, I’ll be honest. I want you. I came here to explain everything and to talk to you and apologize. Because I really am sorry, Marce.”
She snorted.
“It’s true, and I know you don’t believe me, and I know I can’t explain everything to you in a dingy hallway with your boyfriend listening on the other side of the door.”
“He’s my fiancé,” she corrected.
“Fine. And if this is the only place I get to talk to you, I’ll tell you everything right here. But I’d rather us sit down, when we’re both calm and we can have a few minutes to ourselves. I got a room at the Hyatt downtown for a few days.”
“No, Doug,” she interrupted. “It’s over. I’m sorry about your marriage, but...”
“Believe me, you’re not as sorry about mine as I am about yours. But it’s not too late; you don’t have to do this...”
“It is too late!” She protested, louder than she intended. Her voice echoed in the hallway.
Doug sensed the opportunity and grabbed her hands. “Please don’t give up on everything we had, not now when we could actually be together, finally. After all we went through...I mean, can you look me in the eye and tell me that what you have with this guy is as passionate and amazing as what we had together?”
Her eyes were stinging with tears threatening to materialize. No, no, no, no.
“Please leave, Doug,” she said as firmly as she could, dropping his hands.
“Marci, don’t.”
“GO!” she yelled, and turned back into Jake’s unlocked apartment. She leaned against the other side of the door momentarily in the darkness, breathing hard and waiting to hear Doug’s exiting footsteps down the hall toward the elevator. At her feet, a torn slip of paper appeared under the door. The gas station receipt had five words scrawled hastily across the back, reminding her of the post-it notes he used to leave at her desk.
I am not giving up.
She wadded it and threw it in the bathroom trash can on her way back to the living room. The TV and all the lights were out, the space lighted only by the large strip of high windows across the back wall and the city lights beyond. Jake sat on the couch, staring at the sleeping TV. He had cleaned up the mess from dinner, she noticed.
“Hi,” she said softly. “I’m really sorry about that. I didn’t think he would know how to find me here.”
Jake’s voice was equally soft. “This is what you were running away from. Him.”
She felt ashamed of her weakness, ashamed that she’d been too afraid to tell Jake the truth in the beginning. There was only one way forward—the truth. “Yes.”
“He was married. I saw the white line on his finger.”
“Yes.”
“You loved him. You still do.”
“I did,” she acknowledged, and hesitated before going on. Could she lie and say she’d felt nothing when she saw Doug? That all her anger wasn’t based on some kind of feeling? Could she tell her best friend something that she wanted to be true, and hope it would be enough? No.
“Now,” she sighed, “I—I don’t know.”
“You don’t know,” he repeated. It sounded cold and awful coming back to her in his voice.
“But I don’t want him back; I do know that. I love you—I want to be with you.” She meant these words sincerely, but as she heard them, they sounded empty. She could hardly blame Jake for not turning to embrace her.
“This is why you don’t want to set a date for the wedding.”
“What?” She was genuinely surprised. In the last few months, Jake had brought up wedding dates twice—once while they were half-blitzed at a Georgia game and his mother kept not-so-subtly mentioning it, and another time just a couple of weeks ago when she’d had a terrible headache. Both times she had suggested they talk about it later, but she had not realized he had taken this to mean she didn’t want to set a date.
Then again, she realized, seeing the hurt on his face now, she had not brought the topic up again, either. A stack of bridal magazines next to her nightstand at Suzanne’s were gathering dust unopened, along with the navy blue wedding binder Nicole had helpfully provided her. Weren’t most brides really excited to make wedding plans? What was wrong with her?
She wanted to throw her arms around him and apologize for not being a good girlfriend, fiancée, whatever. She wanted to get out the calendar and offer to pick a date right now if that was what he wanted. Anything to fix this horrible silence. But nothing would come out. She felt helpless against the unbelievable turn this night had taken.
He was quiet for a long time, looking at something in the vicinity of the coffee table without seeming to see it. Finally he said, “I think I need some time to process this. It’s—it’s a lot to take.”
“But Jake, you knew I’d been seeing someone in Austin, right? You knew —”
“I guess I did, but...I don’t know. It’s different now, seeing him, and you...” His face contorted with emotion. “I can’t talk about this right now. Can you go to Suzanne’s tomorrow?”
“What are you saying? You don’t want me here?”
“I just need time.”
“Jake, I—”
“No. Marci. I have an early morning tomorrow.” He was back in control, his tone almost fatherly. “
You take the bed, and I’m going to stay out here.”
She reached out and put her hand on his knee, hoping he would turn to face her. He didn’t push her away, but he didn’t look at her either. She waited a few minutes without response, and then stood to go to his bedroom, where she lay awake for a long time listening to the silence in the apartment, feeling like an intruder. Even though she woke before 6:00 the next morning, when she stepped out of the bedroom he had already gone.
It was Friday morning and Marci had nowhere to be. Suzanne was at her retreat until Saturday afternoon, and Marci couldn’t face spending a long weekday at home in an empty apartment. She steered the car to the interstate and headed north toward her parents’ instead. Dad would be going into work late this morning. Nicole was in town for a baby shower/Christmas party her friends were throwing because she would no longer be able to travel by Christmas.
When she got home, her mother was in the middle of cooking breakfast while her father read the paper by the breakfast window, and a pajama-clad Nicole lounged in a cushioned patio chair she’d dragged out of storage and placed in the middle of the kitchen. She looked like a Titian painting with her big belly and her aristocratic recline. None of them seemed surprised to see Marci, even though it was a weekday morning and they hadn’t discussed her being there. I have got to get a real job, she thought.
Meanwhile, Nicky was complaining about the aches and pains of pregnancy, the demands of Ravi’s new job (which had seemed very reasonable a few weeks ago), and of course, Mrs. Argawal. The latest on that front was that she had sent a large package of baby items to their apartment—including some handmade blankets and clothes—but had addressed the box to Ravi only. She had turned down the invitation to the couples’ shower being thrown by their local friends and coworkers, and sent the box instead.
“Who does she think she is, sending that to him? Like he’s the one who’s been carrying this child for seven months! She even included soothing foot lotion. Is that supposed to be for him, too? Or is she only acknowledging that my feet and my uterus exist right now? I know she’s mad about the wedding and all, but it’s getting ridiculous! She won’t even give me a chance!”
Their mother flipped a couple of pancakes and clucked her tongue in agreement. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart. It makes me so mad, too, because I would give anything to be up there with you guys, to help you get ready and to babysit and everything. And here this awful woman could see you anytime she wants and she can’t get over her stupid pride.”
“I wish we had moved here instead,” Nicole whined. “Ravi could work for CNN and you guys could see Princess whenever you wanted.”
“That would be nice...” Mom said, but trailed off. Marci knew their mother would give her right arm to have both daughters and her granddaughter in the same city with her, but she had always worked really hard to respect their choices and tried never to pressure them. Marci had appreciated this when she was living in California and Texas. She could see now that it cost her mom quite a bit of effort to pull it off. “So, Marci, how are things with you?” she said brightly, changing the subject.
“Not so hot, actually,” she replied, and told them about Doug’s appearance and Jake’s response, minimizing the length and intensity of her relationship with Doug and leaving out entirely the fact that he’d been married and was now divorced.
“I’m surprised that someone who wasn’t even important enough to mention to your family would come track you down after all this time,” her mother said. She was great at not pressuring. Guilt was another issue altogether.
“That’s not really the point, Mom,” Nicole said, and Marci shot her a grateful look. “The thing is that Jake is being totally unreasonable. It’s not Marci’s fault this guy showed up on his doorstep.”
“Exactly. And what’s with him needing space? One minute he wants me to move in and set a wedding date, and the next minute, he’s kicking me out? Is this how he thinks our marriage would be? He’ll just send me to Suzanne or you guys whenever there’s a problem?” She had actually rehearsed this particular point in the car on the way over and was gratified at how grown-up and reasonable it sounded live.
“Why haven’t you set a wedding date, anyway?” Nicole said. Marci glared at her. “Right, right...not the point.”
“Breakfast is served, girls. Arthur, put the paper away.”
For several minutes, the four of them ate while Marci and Nicole traded complaints.
“I mean, he knew I had dated other people before him. I wouldn’t be mad at him if some girl showed up and tried to get him back.”
“She’s only met me once! How can you hate someone you have barely met?”
“It’s not like I’m still in love with Doug or anything.”
“Why would she send foot lotion, which is obviously for me, and not even have the guts to address it to me? What is she expecting, a thank-you note from no one?”
“I mean, I did have feelings for Doug, and I guess they’re not 100% gone, but doesn’t everyone have something like that in their past?”
“I told Ravi, I’ll be damned if she can come to the hospital when the baby is born. After all this, no way.”
“How am I supposed to commit to Jake with my whole heart, when he doesn’t even want to talk about this?”
Their mother offered encouraging nods and “mmm-hmms,” and the occasional “of course, honey.” After some time, she turned to her husband. “You’ve been quiet, sweetheart. What are you thinking?”
Their father chewed a bite of sausage thoughtfully and took a sip of coffee before answering her without looking at Marci or Nicole. “I’m thinking, Elaine, that I wonder how two such lovely and kind people as you and I have managed to raise two daughters so capable of utter selfishness.”
Silence. The three women stared at one another. Finally, Nicole punched him playfully in the arm. “Daddy, come on! This is serious.”
“I assure you, Nicole, I’m quite serious.”
“Arthur!”
“Well, you asked me what I was thinking.” He turned to face the younger sister. “Nicky, darling, I love you more than life, and I’ve always thought that you were an intelligent girl. But if you can’t see that poor woman is trying as best she can to reach out to you without giving up all her pride, then you are not as smart as I thought.”
Nicole attempted a protest, but he cut her off. “You’re a mother now.” He patted her protruding belly affectionately. “It’s time to learn how to be the bigger person. You go home on Sunday and call Ravi’s mom and thank her for the gifts. If she doesn’t answer, leave a message or write a note and try again next week. And when the time comes, you do the right thing and make sure she gets plenty of time with her grandbaby. No matter how painful it is for either of you in the beginning. Isn’t that what you always did with my mom, Elaine?”
Their mother looked genuinely surprised. They had never spoken aloud about this, but hearing it, Marci knew exactly what he meant. She had always sensed a tension between their Granny Jane and Mom, but had never heard her mother say an unkind word in the old lady’s direction.
“And you,” he said, turning to Marci. “Jake is a good guy. A good man. He’s been a friend to you for a decade. Don’t you think, instead of sitting here feeling sorry for yourself, that you owe him the truth about this other guy and your feelings for him, whatever the truth is? Marriage is not easy under any circumstances. Wouldn’t it be better to start with your whole heart?”
“But I don’t even know how I feel anymore,” Marci said weakly.
Her father grasped her hand in his. “I think that’s obvious, Marcella. But you owe it to yourself and to Jake to figure it out. Don’t you think? You know I love you, but you’ve always run away when things got hard or confusing. You got a C in that writing class and changed majors; you broke up with that guy Mike and moved to San Francisco...”
“Daddy!”
“Seriously, honey. You got a couple of rejection letters and quit subm
itting freelance articles. Now you know your mother and I support all your decisions, whatever you do, but when was the last time something in your life was worth fighting for?”
He wiped a tear from her cheek with his napkin. “You’re a good girl.” His familiar words rang in her head, the same thing he used to say to her when she was little and she did anything wrong. As a child it always brought her comfort, like her Daddy still believed in her even when she behaved badly. Today it made her feel ashamed. If her father knew all that she had done in the past year, would he still think she was a good girl? Would she still be worthy of his breakfast pep talk?
She thought about Jake turning away from her last night, and fresh tears welled in her eyes. Who had she become? She toyed with a half-eaten sausage link on her plate to avoid making eye contact with her family.
His speech over, their father stood abruptly and cheerfully announced he was leaving for the office. Fridays were his off day, technically, but he often went in to catch up on paperwork and sometimes to take his staff out for lunch. Kind father, kind boss.
The three women sat in silence for a while after he left. Finally, Nicole said, “He’s right. You aren’t being very fair to Jake.”
“What? What about you? You’re the one denying some poor woman contact with her grandchild!”
“Her grandchild isn’t even born yet! And she’s not sweet and wonderful and handsome, like Jake!”
“Handsome! I knew you had a crush on him; you always have!”
“I do not! Besides, if you care so much about him, where have you been the last decade?”
The last one stung. Marci was getting ready to fire back that Nicole looked fat, even for a pregnant woman, when their mother spoke up quietly.
“This is my fault,” she said, and both girls turned to look at her. “Nicky, sweetie, I’ve been letting you do this to Mrs. Argawal—I mean, not encouraging you to do the right thing, anyway—because I’m selfish. I didn’t realize until just now that the idea of you having another mother, another grandmother for this precious little one, how jealous I felt about that. And I didn’t even know it.”
The Marriage Pact Page 21